35 Ital Tek: Hollowed

It has been said that Ital Tek is ‘the sound of Brexit’, which I’m not sure I agree with, but it offers me a good opportunity to waffle on about it

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For some reason, I thought that Ital Tek was European- perhaps it was the funny sounding name, and the desolate yet achingly beautiful soundscapes that always sound a little Scandinavian to me- so I was planning to introduce this wonderful album as the sound of the EU. The bastard’s actually from Brighton, so I had to make a late change

 

If your immediate response to Brexit is that it was simply racist, then you yourself are part of the reason for it

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38 Iggy Pop: Post-Pop Depression

In our culture, the highest and most revered and idolised people are the ones who were rock stars in the 60s and 70s

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If you want to avoid the profoundly dull and unoriginal complaints that are sure to follow any time you kick a stranger in the arse on a crowded train platform, simply tell him* that you used to play bass guitar for an early incarnation of the Moody Blues and watch him* immediately start praising how effortlessly cool you are, and bore on at length at how dull today’s music is in comparison while he* picks your foot up and forcibly inserts it into his* rectum to apologise

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*It generally only works on men, seemingly because as a gender they seem to be far more pathetically infatuated with a fictitious rock past they may not have even lived through

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Do you know what works for women instead? Fucking ponies

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40 Anderson Paak: Malibu

In a strange way, whenever you listen to Malibu you’re always a little disappointed…

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I met up with an old friend recently who I’ve not seen for literally a donkey’s years

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who I obviously won’t name, because even if the chance of him reading this are slim I’m a great believer in data protection, so let’s just call him ‘J Theakston’…

No, that’s too obvious, let’s call him ‘Jamie T’…

No, not that Jamie T, who did one amazing song ten years ago and is still crapping out songs not fit to lick the sweat off Sheila’s boots to this day, a different Jamie T

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42 Alicia Keys: HERE

Don’t you hate it when people ask you what ‘kind of music’ you like?

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It’s awful to think that some people (most people??) only like a certain genre or style, which the question covertly supports

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HERE

Be very wary of people who quickly answer the question with a definitive variety of music, increasing your wariness exponentially the more specific the genre they name. If they say they like ‘dance’, ‘classical’ or ‘indie’ music, then they are merely extremely boring people who only really interact with music when they want to escape all ties to consciousness, relax in their study while planning further expansions of their plantation, or just want to really magnify their dullness, respectively

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However, if they get more detailed, and say they only like metal music made by Brummies without the full collection of fingers, or rock music containing no more than three chords made by two men in denim jackets with mullets, or by a band from Glastonbury with a strongly simian frontman singing songs about touching things, then they’re absolutely thinking of a specific artist and a specific time when they first heard their music and are cursed to spend the rest of their life searching in vain for that specific moment in their life when they were last happy

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