Jesus, this incredible album is only 94th?? Another reason why
94 Noname: Telefone
95 SIA: This is Acting
I don’t really believe in the existence of ‘guilty pleasures’
-6
Well, that’s not strictly true: if your ‘pleasure’ is forcibly removing the kneecaps of Somalian traffic wardens and leaving them to harden in the sun before burning holes in them with cigarettes and wearing them as gaudily ostentatious oversized hooped earrings, then, yeah, you should probably be considered guilty
-8
96 De La Soul: And the Anonymous Nobody
The Do La Las are one of the most important artists of the last 100 years
+60
97 Modern Baseball: Holy Ghosts
As a pastime that insists on referring to itself as a sport (or even a pastime) baseball is an unrepentant abortion of enjoyment
-25
98 Garbage: Strange Little Birds
OK, this has really pissed me off: look at the cover of their debut album:
Now look at the cover of ‘Wee Dirty Birdies’:
Nice symmetry, no?
+3
99 Prince Rama: Xtreme Now
My mood goes in waves, see?
+5
Mid way through 2016, which feels like roughly seventeen ice ages ago, I felt positive and excited enough to collate what were my top 13 (or something) <you should probably just check this, it looks shamefully lazy otherwise- Ed> songs of the year so far as a tantalising preview of the majesty of Necessary Evil 2016 that would arrive at the year’s end
+3
Now, close to eighteen months later, and far too late to be of any relevance or usefulness, I’m finally naming my albums of the year after my mood hitting rock bottom around Christmas 2016 and never again quite scaling those heights since. My whole life is a fucking shambles
-9
The waves of me mood were high and mighty in June (or July, or possibly August) 2016 <again, it would be really simple to check, it was probably the last post you made on your blog- Ed>, crashing loudly and majestically against the shore of my self-belief, and I wanted other people to know how good I felt! I feel that when my waves are high I am a markedly better person.
+6
Back then, many beards ago, I felt like I had life sorted out, felt like I knew who I was and what I was meant to be doing. I felt happy
+7
I was moist and ripe for Prince Rama <hmmm, less creepy phrasing, perhaps? Also: doesn’t really make sense- Ed>, and so felt confident in naming Bahia, the ludicrously upbeat opening track of the ludicrously upbeat ‘Xtreme Now’ (starts with an ‘x’, very futuristic +1), as my 7th or 8th or 12th <I mean, this is starting to look really unprofessional now- Ed> favourite song of the year
+5
Bahia is the greatest example of the album’s modus operandi: shiny happy music for shiny happy people, and way back in 2016 I was ready to drink it in! +3
‘Modus operandi’ is a Latin phrase literally translating as ‘modelled on Oprah’, as Empower Tibirius believed that all methodology should be steered toward appearing on the Oprah Winfrey show
+1
No, not that Oprah Winfrey, that wouldn’t make much sense, would it? Like, a Roman one…
-8
However, one of the strange byproducts of my see-sawing moods is that when my waves are pathetically low I seem to spend much of my time obsessively analysing everything I said and did when my waves were high, and almost entirely convincing myself that I should be utterly, cripplingly ashamed of the person I am when I’m happy, like my subconscious is trying to warn me against ever enjoying life ever again. It’s fucking awful…
-24
I get not dissimilar feelings listening to ‘Xtreme Now’ now… ‘Xtreme’ now… ‘Xtreme Now’ now now now…
-12
These days, when I listen to ‘Xtreme Now’, I get similar emotions: the cracks are easy to spot, the imperfections all too prevalent
-5
All too often to glum ears it can sound cheap and rushed, and if you aren’t enamoured with the record’s charisma then it can sound laughably amateur in places
-4
Ocassionally I worry whether it solely exists in my record collection now as a sad monument to how good I used to feel…
-15
But, then I see a picture of Prince Rama:
Really, so we’re getting Prince Points (easily a score of 7 for this album bee tea double you) and a ‘Prince Approves’ award?? Isn’t that a little bit overkill <ouch, too soon- Ed>
I can’t stay mad at you, Pri-Ram 🙂 🙂 🙂
+5
Also: Shitopia! Loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooool!!
+1
That song starts almost exactly like Crystal Ball too. So, y’know, there’s that…
Metacritic: +68
I mean… Yeah, come on… I mean… Yeah…
Length 37 minutes +9
Best Lyric: ‘And keep your money, I got my own/Keep a bigger smile on my face being alone’ +1
Is the last song just the first track but played on Ukulele? No -1
Total 73
I’m pretty convinced I’m not doing the maths correctly…
Pics stolen from:
http://animalnewyork.com/2012/prince-rama-needs-your-help-to-make-psych-opera/
http://www.wrestlingnewsworld.com/chris-jericho-explains-coming-list/
http://www.dogbreedplus.com/dog_names/black_dog_names.htm
Lot of pictures on this one, aye?
100 Kaitlyn Aurelia Smith: EARS
Top 100! This list is starting to feel a little more sensible
+5
Ears!
+3
Ears! Everyone’s got one/two and they’re all full of shit/earwax
+5
What do you call a dog with no ears? Terrible!
+3
Why have elephants got big ears? Elephants do many different things with their big ears. One thing is that they can cool themselves down when they are hot. The blood flowing through the ears is close to the outside of the elephant body, and heat can be released as they flap them about. Some scientists also think that the big ears may funnel sound into their inner ear for better hearing. Elephants can also use their big ears to make threats. When they spread them out wide, elephants look even bigger than they already are, and they can use this posture to threaten other elephants or other animals!!!
+3
A rabbit walks into a bar, barman says why the long ears!!
+2
‘EARS’ (+1 for enforced capitalisation, which can only mean that it actually stands for Elephants Are Really Stupid. Which you’d have to be, really, to be threatened by the size of someone’s ears. Although that might explain why everyone is terrified of Channing Tatum) is an absolutely lovely sounding record, first rate electronica and a bonefide treat for the ears. Ha! Like the name is!
+4
Adventures in sonics always get you
7 Prince Points
Yes, this has been an especially lackadaisical critique, but I have long grown accustomed to the fact that nobody reads my writing, but I’ve found it’s the best non-pharmaceutical method to tackle my crippling depression, and anyway I feel it is the best way to ensure utter artistic integrity, But I’m still a Snowflake Cluck and deep down it hurts that not even my closest friends and family members bother reading this
-13
However, one person I know for sure has read some of this is the number 117 entrant Damian Lazarus! As he Tweeted this almost immediately after I posted the review:
-12
Ouch. I was going to start a fight with him, pointing out how I made clear in my review how I actually paid money forhis garbage record, and that not only had I contributed more money to his art than roughly 99.6% of his Twitter followers but I emphasised in my review how he’s been responsible in the past for some of the greatest dance music ever, yet all I get is mocked for my Twitter followers. I was going to even explain the reason why I have next to no followers!
-18
But, no, I just ‘liked’ and re-Tweeted in an attempt to look too cool to be offended at an artist I’ve supported throughout his career lashing out at me because I said I didn’t love his last album. I’ll just never buy any of his shit records ever again
-7
It wasn’t even a terrible review! Imagine if Pixies read that one from 2015!
-6
Metacritic: +82
Length 38 minutes +8
Is the last song just the first track but played on Ukulele? No -1
Total 71
Pics stolen from
101 Kevin Gates: Isiah
My contacts in the hip hop community
warn me that ‘Kevin Gates; is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to uninspiring anf unmemorable rap names
-2
I have been reliably informed that the days of exciting nom de plumes such as Old Dirty Bastard, Tyler the Creator, Slap-de-Wit the Immortal Instigator and Watch My Dicky Leg are over
-4
‘Nom de plume’ in French literally translates as ‘the name of plumage’, as it is common for Gallic birds to have separate names for when they are fully-feathered, as Napoleon thought it obscene that ‘le disgustient pink merdes’ be attributed the same name when they are all naked and disgusting. For example, a plucked chicken body, the like of which you’re likely to buy in Le Tesco, is called ‘poulet’, while the proper, fully feathered beauty that you’re likely to decapitate to test urban legends down at the local farm is referred to as ‘ooh la la! Les pompe poulet de cheeky cheeky plume plume!’
+3
My contacts in the hip hop community assure me that I shall really notice the sea change in 2017, where I’ll see new releases by ‘Geoff Turnbull’, ‘Paul Johnson’ and ‘Stuart’. Remember Stuart? Well he’s dedicated four tracks to you on his debut rap album, maybe now you’ll give him the time of day? He knows that he’ll never replace your real Dad, but your Mother loves Stuart very much, and Christmas is going to be a lot easier this year if you at least acknowledge his presence
-3
Kevin Gates isn’t even his real name! It’s like me releasing my dope debut mixtape as Alexander Furnkwith
-2
My rap name would be Rhyme Minister. Rhyme Minister Yeah! Rhyme Minister Ho Need Yeah!
+3
It’ll be a Tony Blair reference, yes, because say what you will about his politics and the blood of half a million people on his hands, he once did that hilarious Catherine Tate bit for Comic Relief, so he’s obviously a top geezer
+5
See? Not bothered
Perhaps the greatest strength of Mr Gates’s (is it, like, a Bill Gates reference? Because that’s just… just…) debut album proper is how much of a fully realised solo offering: almost completely free of the endless guest spots that can far too often clutter and saturate rap albums, and with every hook and chorus coming exclusively through Gates
+7
And ‘Isiah’ is a procession of top quality hooks, hooks you could hang Mussolini off,
hooks you could pester Peter Pan with, a real ‘hard hook story’, it’s an album done very much ‘by the hook’, it’s like the Farrelly Brothers film ‘Hook On You’, or the Happy Mondays song Wrote for Hook…
…by hook or by crook….
…
…
…like when Kurt Angle comes out…
and all the crowd start chanting…
…
…
…’you hook’…
…
…
…OK, I’m done…
+3
It’s just a shame that such a singular demonstration of Gates’s indisputable talents couldn’t have perhaps strayed a little from standard well crafted hip-hop, and no matter how fantastic its heights are, the lack of anything unique and unusual can make the record’s already testing length seem to especially drag
-7
‘She got me like Michael/Jackson, Jordan, it don’t matter to me’. See, that distinction really would matter to me…
-8
Bollocks… https://twitter.com/jamesknightbad
-5
A small but pleasant pronunciation +5
Also, I don’t know why, but I was very impressed by the correct apostrophe usege in the title of Thought I Heard (Bread Winners’ Anthem)
+1
As further tribute to Prince
I think points should be awarded for any artistic license taken with spelling (not grammer though, that shit’s biblical!!), so Kevin has to be applauded for Kno One. Is it meant to be ‘know one’, as in ‘I used to know one chap who refused to acknowledge the existence of Macedonia’, or ‘no-one’, as in ‘no-one has ever been to Macedonia, so why are we putting so much trust into so called ‘experts’?’? Either way, it’s equally wrong and so equally right
+5
‘You the only one that my dick could get hard for/I’m confused, what the fuck you want my heart for?’ That line has to be worth a good
8 Prince Points
Metacritic: +81
Ah, come on now….
Length 63 minutes –17
Best Lyric: ‘Bad motherfucker, God complex/Motivate your ass, call me Malcolm X’ +1
Is the last song just the first track but played on Ukulele? No -1
Total 70
Pics stolen from:
https://intl.target.com/p/kevin-gates-islah/-/A-50489578
https://www.usbornebooksathome.co.uk/catalogue/catalogue.aspx?cat=1&area=ED&subcat=EDD&id=7608
https://www.petful.com/grooming/why-do-cats-lick-each-other/
102 Kaytranada: 99.9%
Maybe I’m part of the 0.1%
but there’s something strangely unfulfilling about Kay-Kay’s debut album ‘proper’
-2
(by ‘debut album proper’ I of course mean that every release thus far by the disgustingly young Quebecer has been scandalously improper)
+3
You might perhaps put this down to individual tastes, but if you look at the subjective, scientifically verified scores the album gets, then it just so happens that my own opinion happens to chime with verifiable fact on this occasion
+5
Every song on ‘99.9%’ is at the very least extremely good, and the general sound is so velvet smooth that I actually spend most of my evenings gently rubbing it against my genitals to best experience its soft goodness
+3
But, perhaps, therein lies the main problem: the album is just far too smooth, too silky sounding, too perfect
-12
It’s a technical wonder, and chiselled down to a perfect sphere of gorgeous sound, but in its search for absolute integrity has left it sounding ever so featureless and non-distinct, when I feel the truly great albums risk more ridicule and benefit greatly from their jeopardy when it comes off
-5
Adventures in sonics always get you
7 Prince Points
‘99.9%’ is a great album, but it was always going to be a great album, and never seems to have the bravery to strive for the next level
-3
Metacritic: +81
Ah, come on now….
Length 59 minutes –13
Best Lyric: ‘Me and my ladies sip my D’USSÉ cup/I don’t give a fuck, chucking my deuces up/Suck on my balls, pause, I had enough’ +1
Is the last song just the first track but played on Ukulele? No -1
Total 69
Pics stolen from:
https://www.residentadvisor.net/reviews/18996
103 Lady Gaga: Joanne
The Ga has managed to avoid me thus far. When she first arrived and was at her successful and cultural highpoint, I was in my mid 20s and so obviously far too cool to really like her, and she was just far too big a deal to like ironically, as my overwhelming snarky self-satisfaction would have been lost in the midst of all those pathetic genuine fans
-4
Plus…
…
…
…she was a bit crap, wasn’t she? I mean, come on
-13
She was an absolutely brilliant pop star, exhibiting shades of both Bowie’s artistic mindedness and Prince’s
delight in using both sexuality and fashion to subvert and offend, and the world needs pop stars who are willing to shock the order by stroking their genitals across the dead body of Kermit the Frog while projectile vomiting raw meet <I can’t find the incident to which you are referring, can you please clarify?- Ed>
+5
Oh, and for prior services to fashion Googoo gets
8 Prince Points
But, yeah, songs like the dull electronica of Poker Face or the shameless pandering of Born This way were always several shades less interesting and experimental than the person from whence they came
-3
So, maybe I’m too late, and the Gagoo I discover is producing significantly better music, but the terms of the agreement she made with God unfortunately means she is now about 12.5% as interesting as she used to be
-9
That atrocious lyric is slightly redeemed by the chorus though, which is the inaugural recipient of my
award, which awards a singer finding new and exciting way to work their mouth around a lyric:
Metacritic: +67
Length 45 minutes +1
Number of AMAZING songs: 1 (+10)
Best Lyric: ‘She’s stacking money, money everywhere she goes/You know, pesos out of Mexico/De uno, commas and them decimals/She don’t gotta give it up, she professional’ +1
Is the last song just the first track but played on Ukulele? No -1
Total 66
Images stolen from:
http://gagadaily.com/forums/topic/243627-has-gaga-ever-lip-synced/
http://www.animalplanet.com/pets/healthy-pets/what-does-it-mean-when-your-cat-licks-you/
http://www.wwe.com/superstars/razor-ramon/razor-ramon-photos#fid-26074025
http://gagadaily.com/forums/topic/201964-joanne-album-cover-meltdowns-go-in-here/?page=3
