Bumpin’ that bumpin’ that bumpin’ that…
Yeah, we’re back, so fuck me I guess?
The 16th year end Necessary Evil list of the year’s objectively and scientifically proven greatest music is a notable event for a few reasons. Firstly, it will be the first time I’ll be writing a list of year’s best bops and slaps that played out to a full twelve months of genocide. Like, the whole year. When I wrote last year’s list, it was only to the backdrop of a tiny bit of genocide that covered the last couple of months of the year. And who really pays attention in those winter months? Too busy thinking about Christmas, right? A couple of years back, for example, my housemate Darren engaged in the systematic and targeted slaughter of more than two dozen woman and children in those early December weeks, and I just didn’t notice because I spent the whole time trying to untangle the Christmas lights. Don’t worry, it happens, I get it.
But this year? Nah, mate, it was just nonstop, fully automated genocide. All year. You ever have those moments of silence that wash over you when you’re in the house alone? When suddenly there’s no TV, no music, no wind outside and no cars driving by, and things become so silent that you can actually hear the fridge buzz? Well, that’s 2024. We can make as much noise as we want, Skibidi squeal with laughter at JoJo Siwa so loud that it drowns out any ability to hear, think, or reflect. But at some point, that noise always has to die down, and you’ll be left with nothing but that buzzing fridge in the background. Easy to ignore for periods if you choose to, but never stopping. Just buzzing on. That constant hum of genocide while we’re all just supposed to get on with our lives.
OK, that’s the last time I’ll mention Palestine on this list. Except, obviously, it isn’t. That wouldn’t just be like trying to write a review of the play Abraham Lincoln was watching when he was shot, it’d be like trying to write a review of that play while a giant elephant was not only in the room, but sitting on my chest, crushing my ribs and slowly squeezing air out of my esophagus. While also killing 67 children a day on average. Bad elephant! Naughty elephant! Oh someone shot the president? I mean… good… but there are actually more pressing matters here. Literally ‘pressing’. The elephant is ‘pressing’ the life from my body. And it’s de-pressing me. Word play, kids, look it up some time.
Plus there will be politics, rants, Communism and all the stuff you’ve grown to love.
It will also be the second Necessary Evil to take place after a Donald Trump election win. The last time was 2016, which was quite handily won by Beyoncé. Are the two things related? Well, they’re both committed liberals who are obsessed with identity politics, so who knows?! Well, ‘Yoncé also has a 2024 album that will feature on the countdown sometime over the next month or so. It’s a country album. With Dolly Parton and Willie Nelson. Beyoncé does a cover of Jolene. I know, the album sounds fucking awful on paper, but let’s hold back on any critical evaluations just now, OK? Other previous winners that will feature on NE24 include 2019’s Nick Cave (while we’re on the subject of Israel!), The Manics (2014) will obviously make an appearance, and the phenom that is 070 Shake – after already being the first artist to win the award twice (2020 & 2022) – is aiming for an extra unprecedented hat trick with their third album. And then there’s Alan Sparhawk, who created two of the greatest albums of the 21st century with Low – finishing first in 2021 – before that group was sadly halved by the death of their wife Mimi Parker in 2021. He’s got a solo album, which will probably be some miserable fey indie bollocks, right?
This list also won’t shy away from the reasons behind Trump’s victory. It was Chappell Roan’s fault after they didn’t endorse Kamala “As a Young Girl I Dreamed of Being a Young Business” Harris. Nice one, Roan, because of you the red team won! After Charli XCX tried so hard as well. Ah well, both of these 2024 pop idols make the list. And I’ll also talk about – while Trump will unarguable be bad for American people – might he be… better… for the rest of the world…? Y’know… all us people…?
NE24 is also notable as only the fourth list ever to be published under a Labour government, and the first Labour list since 2009. Now, if I didn’t tell you that you might not have noticed, as this list won’t seem any different from previous lists published under a Tory government. You might think it’s exactly the fucking same, I’m just as fucking angry, this list doesn’t seem to have improved at all, and that Liberalism is a deathcult that nobody has ever voted for and that is leading up, smiling politely, right into the bony arms of Fascism. And you might also notice that you should join the Communist Party. And you might also notice a slight twinge in the back of your knee when you sit down, but that’s normal for people your age.
The only people to previously win under a Labour government were Kings of Leon, TV On the Radio and Fuck Buttons. Yes, Kings of Leon, this list has been going for a fucking long time. Kings of Leon released an album in 2024 that, sadly, will not be included. Which is a nice segway: a moment of silence, please for some Necessary Evil stalwarts who didn’t make the list in 2024:
- Kings of Leon won it in 2007, top 20 in 2008, scraped into #104 in 2016 and were #70 in 2021?? I have literally no memory of that 2021 album. Anyway, they were way off the list this time.
- Billie Eilish (#78 2019, #47 2021) could have had Gold Star status if they landed that third album on the list, but they blew it with a turgid and uninspired mood piece.
- Illuminati Hotties (#67 2020 , #57 2018, #32 2021)blew it in the opposite direction: they were a Gold Star Artist but will now have to officially retire their badge after the streak ends. Listen, the last album’s actually really decent, but I’ve shaved the list down to 40 and if you’re in any way indie pop adjacent you’re always likely to be amongst the first to the wall.
- Soccer Mommy (#60 2018, #46 2020, #77 2022) also has to clear out her Legit Boss desks. She was perhaps the one member of that hall of fame that I cared least about, so this was always going to be a matter of time. Also, mate, you never made the top 40, so you can’t complain, really.
- Jane Weaver (#9 2017, #55 2021) committed the crime of being consistently very good, but rarely sparking into true inspiration.
- St Vincent (#4 2014, #23 2017, #63 2021) really sounds like an important and justifiably lauded artist whose time has come. Chill out, you can’t be amazing your whole life, maybe she can catch up on some reading now or something, I dunno.
- I also completely forgot about that new Jamie XX album. Like, I’ve listened to it six dozen times, but as soon as the album finishes or the battery runs down on my Rio PMP300 MP3 player, I forget about the entire album’s existence. Does it exist?? I can’t confirm. I’m sorry, it isn’t getting a place on the list until I hear back from the lab.
And finally, and most notably, I fear that this will be the last year end Necessary Evil list that I’ll ever do. This has long been unsustainable, and I just can’t keep doing this to my health. Yes, I know I said that last year, but I mean it this time! And when I said it the year before that I was just joking. And when i said it in 2021 I was being ironic. And, yeah, sure, I said it in 2020, but that was a frightening year for us, we all said things we didn’t mean! I think I got that pangolin disease! And 2019, 2018, 2017, 2016 and 2014? Yeah, disregard anything I said during those years, massive PCP addiction. Plus that pangolin disease, I actually had that for a while. Oh! And 2015. Yeah, don’t know why I skipped that year, it was the height of my pangolin disease…
OK, fine, but this year will be different: I’m at freaking work this December (gross) because I used all my holidays on my stupid brothers stupid wedding in stupid Thailand, and that existential slap of a visit to China. So, I might not be able to post an entry a day… or I might… but they’ll be pretty shit… and there’s a chance I’m still writing this fucker in 2025. Like, fucking August 2025. And then there’s the Legit Bosses! Why do I do this to myself? Is this a sexual thing? Was I abused as a child?
We’re gonna have a lotta fun.
So, I’ve told you some albums that made the list, some that didn’t maybe that bone album from 2024 that you like will finish near the top!
No. No it won’t. That album is shit and you’re a fool to listen to it.
Ax
Necessary Evil 