We all like to imagine relationships ending in flames, don’t we? We want to think that all affiliations will grow into a whirlwind of emotions and angst until one partner is Marlon Brando STELLAAAAAAAAAAAAAing their guts out to the other partner, Adam Driver, inside the house… shouting…? I dunno, I’ve not seen that relationship film where Adam Driver and Scarlet Johansson shout at each other, but I gather it’s rather intense. Both of the partners will inevitably accuse the other of gaslighting them because, Jesus Christ, we just can’t get enough of using that fucking word, can we? You don’t think this Burberry scarf goes with my faux leather pants? Quit gaslighting me. You fascist.
When we see an old friend and find out that they broke up with Alan, we’re always so disappointed to hear they just ‘drifted apart’. No, fuck that! Where are the story’s of Alan punching through walls or cutlery being thrown across your apartment as you both exchange obscenities!? Where’s the anecdote of both of your infidelities coming to light on the day you were supposed to get married when it’s suddenly revealed that you’re both fucking the Imam officiating the wedding?? One of life’s most depressingly dull facts is that the vast majority of relationships end with a sad whimper. Listen, there are billions of relationships in the world, and billions of people will be in multiple relationships. The majority of these relationships won’t be good fits. They might have thought they were in love at one point, but more likely they just really liked each other. Then they started to merely like each other. Then they tolerated each other. Now, they just find each other a bit annoying. It’s fine, it’s normal, and I’m not talking about your relationship, you and Stuart are meant for each other. Yeah, that’s the person you’re happy to spend the rest of your life with, yeah? Yeah?
Yeah, I know, my relationships always end with the whole ‘Adam Driver/Scarlet Johansson’ thing, but that’s because I am psychotic and also a horrible person. I simply cannot be used for any real comparison.
Well, ladies, gentlemen, others, I feel I need to sadly announce that Soccer Mommy and I are probably going to have to go our separate ways. We’ve been together since Sophie Allison’s 2018 debut album gave me an excuse to discuss my alcohol issues, but now she’s on her third album I just feel like the spark is no longer there (if it ever truly was). We’ve just drifted apart. We just… changed, y’know?
[LATER THAT NIGHT, AFTER I’VE HAD A FEW MORE DRINKS (OF RED BULL)]
No, the thing is, mate, that I changed, and she really didn’t. I got into her on her debut because she really showed promise, y’know? I got excited thinking about the quality of the songs she’d soon be coming up with if she was already coming out with gold like Cool and Your Dog on her debut album. But, guess what? She never really went anywhere. That sound on her debut was the exact same grunge inspired angsty acoustic stuff that she was going to do for the rest of her career. Only – keep your voice down! – her songs got ever so slightly inferior as her career progressed. I thought ‘Color Theory’ was going to reignite our relationship, it’s intriguing packaging seemed to suggest some sort of exciting musical evolution, a radical step on from her debut but – mate, don’t look at her! She’ll know we’re talking about her! – it was just exactly the same shit! Yeah, dude, we all loved Circle the Drain, but that’s not the point. This time though, I really thought we’d made a breakthrough. When she came back with Unholy Affliction – an unexpected and weird industrial rocker that called to mind Nine Inch fucking of all bands – I thought things were finally going to improve, thought things were going to change. Dude, yes, I know, it’s just a different 90s rock band for her to heavily mimick, but at least it was something, y’know?? But… no… The rest of the album is more of the same. And I’m afraid it’s far too often m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m
It’s technically very proficient stuff. And Sophie Allison is extremely talented. It’s just not for me, and I’m worried that I’m wasting my time.
Oh shit! This is also Soccer Mommy’s third album and everything they’ve ever released has been on Necessary Evil! So they are also awarded a:
However, it may soon have to be returned, as without big changes I can’t imagine Soccer Mommy making this list again. It’s cool, a lot of far more famous (but far less talented) writers than me are big fans of her’s, she’ll be fine. I just find her music deathly dull far too often. It just seems like I’m never going to get another Blossom.
Shit, the lyrics of Blossom (Wasting All My Time) really fit the vibe I was going with on this post. Should’ve incorporated them in more. Ah well, too late now