Statatouille: Necessary Evil 2021 in numbers

This is it, boys and girls. Lock the doors, pull down the shutters, pour out the gasoline, throw the match, salt the Earth so that nothing here can ever grow again – 2021 is now officially over. Sure, if you’re into lame boomer ideas like the ‘calendar’, you might think that we’re already up to the twenty sixth of March 2022, but if you’re a proper gigachad you’ll know that a year doesn’t officially end until the scientifically proven best albums of that year have received a statistical breakdown. 2015 actually managed to end on the thirteenth of December that year, but 2016 didn’t end until the fourth November 2017, 2017 ended on the fourth April 2018, 2018 ended on October twentieth 2019, 2019 quickly ended on January eleventh 2020, and 2020 didn’t end until March thirty first last year. Years before 2015 just… didn’t end… And, yeah, I’m in danger of running out of ‘stat’ based puns at some point.

Feast your eyes, and feast your minds, yeah?

Length (fnnar!*)

Phew, I am getting better. See, mother? Every day I inch further towards normality. One is improving, you old witch! Sure, it sounds like a lot, but it’s a whopping 194 down on last year. Soon, my whole review of the year will merely be my one word reaction to the latest Kings of Leon song: “S’alright”.

I realised after making the picture that the number last year was very similar (11.73) and that I’d, erm, also used a photo of Illuminati Hotties’ Sarah Tudzin to illustrate it… Christ, Alex, you’ve got to chill. Sarah will never date you if she thinks you’re needy. Attract, don’t chase, remember? Maybe if she wouldn’t have such a finger on the pulse of average album lengths!

Sigh, globulously. I feel like some checks and standards need to be introduced here to prevent this six hour behemoth running away with all the awards.

That’s better. Expect to see Ye appear a few times. Not always for good reasons.

‘Fewest’? Is that grammatically correct? Isn’t ‘least’, like, uncountable or some shit? The smallest amount of album tracks. The album upon which there are the lowest amount of songs. You get the idea.

Yeah, see, the image there is supposed to represent a person dying after listening to so much music. A little dark, yes, but if you can’t take such edgy and close to the bone social commentary then you’re on the wrong blog. A full four hours and 25 minutes down from last year!

Yvette Janine Jackson gets the closest, so wins representation with a photo where it looks like she’s recently suffered a stroke and has been instructed to not move while professionals aid her. Up more than six minutes since last year!

Can you guess what’s coming up next?

Do you get deja vu when he’s with you-hoooo?

Lindsay is no longer the housemate of my friend/colleague by the way, so I can thankfully go back to saying crude and disgusting things about her.


Hang on, let me think…

OK! Got one:

Hey, Lindsay? Where did you buy your piano? The… the… the… the shit piano shop??

That sounded better in my head…

(*y’know? Like a penis? Yeah, this guy gets it? High five? High five? Later maybe? Cool.)

Mr Writer, Why Don’t You Tell it Like it Is?

It pains me sometimes to acknowledge the very existence of other critics, as I can so often prove their opinions to be factually incorrect by simple means of comparing them to the straight science poured out on this blog, but I guess Metacritic is worthwhile for this end of year stats breakdown at least.. First, let’s give the real heroes their dues:

Jordana’s too cool for many things. Or too stoned. One of the two. But is she too stoned/cool to let me interview her for her upcoming album? We’ll find out soon.

Oh, and this year there were a few albums too cool for MetaCritic that nonetheless made it into Pitchfork (not cool at all), so I used their review score in a handful of cases. These 21 albums though? Neither. That’s cooler than being cool. That’s ice cold. Alright alright alright alright alright…

Up a whole 0.19 from last year, and an excuse to use a Rico Nasty photo (rated 80).

Honestly, so pleased for Steemy. Well deserved, but at least five records on this list are severely overrated. Nick Cave – predictably, as he is now most critics’ certified bum chum – takes places #2 & 3, so they’re referred to by album title. I could have perhaps done the same for Prince, but are you honestly confused over whether ‘Controversy‘ or ‘Welcome 2 America’ was awarded 90%? One of the two albums on the list not catalogued by Metacritic so having their score attributed by Pitchfork. Along with the 9.0 meted out to DMX’s debut. Seriously, Pitchfork?

Go on, see if you can guess which album was ranked lowest…

National Conflict

Let’s make out like we’re settling scores at the start, until we see the fucking USA has won by a landslide again.

See that guy on the right who looks like he might have experienced sunlight some time in the past thirty years? Yeah, that’s Nicholas Lens, he Belgian.

Zimbabwe/Canadian Backxwash represents for a second successive year, as does…

Sudanese American Dua Saleh.

Lorde and Pickle Darling, the two essential Kiwi artists.

Before you get too excited at your bronze medal, Aussies, remember that 3.5 of these came from the same artist. If Cave was born in Wellington you’d be fucked.

Sigh, a spirited effort everyone, and 3.5 up on last year.

A triumph officially announced by president Rodrigo in her State of the Nation address. But steady on there, Olivia! Sure, it’s another absolute squash, but USA are 19.5 down on last year! And while in 2020 the world’s imperial masters got a massive 368.57 percent of the entries of the old imperial masters, in 2021 it was down to 214.29%!! The British are coming! The British are coming! Oh, and I forgot to add Backxwash’s 0/5 this year, so that might have helped..

Movers and Shakers

It’s Marina, bitch!

I really shouldn’t say that word. I’m sorry. What if I told you that, when I said that, I was speaking to a good friend of mine who is an absolutely flaming homosexual? No? What do you mean I’m making it more problematic?? OK, forget all that, I’m not even comfortable referencing Britney Spears right now, let me have another go:

It’s motherfucking MARINA!! Stick that in your cunt and see if it soaks! Just beating out slowthai, which I feel is narratively important, the sheer joy at having Ms Diamandis back means this list makes me smile. Kings of Leon though?? My list was so long in 2016 they actually placed at #104…

OK, slight caveat here: the biggest faller was technically Blanck Mass, whose ‘In Ferneaux‘ album was a massive fall from his previous proper album’s #5 placing. But, like, it’s not a real album, is it? I don’t want NE to punish artists for creative expression. Oh, and I guess you could then say Nick Cave’s ‘fall’ from first to #64 with his ‘Idiot Prayer‘ live set, but that doesn’t count either. Because I said so. Sorry, Son Lux, but it simply has to be you.

Release Date

Albums released in November 2021: 2

Albums released in October 2021: 8

Albums released in September 2021: 5

Albums released in August 2021: 7

Albums released in July 2021: 2

Albums released in June 2021: 8

Albums released in May 2021: 6

Albums released in April 2021: 5

Albums released in March 2021: 8

Albums released in February 2021: 7

Albums released in January 2021: 8

Albums released in December 2020: 7

Albums released earlier in 2020: 5*

Albums released in 2019: 0

Albums released in 2018: 0

Albums released in 2017: 0

Albums released in 2016: 0

Albums released in 2015: 0

Albums released in 2014: 0

Albums released in 2013: 0

Albums released in 2012: 0

Albums released in 2011: 0

Albums released in 2010: 0

Albums released in 2009: 0

Albums released in 2008: 0

Albums released in 2007: 1

Albums released in 2006: 0

Albums released in 2005: 0

Albums released in 2004: 0

Albums released in 2003: 0

Albums released in 2002: 0

Albums released in 2001: 0

Albums released in 2000: 0

Albums released in 1999: 1

Albums released in 1998: 1

Albums released in 1997: 0

Albums released in 1996: 0

Albums released in 1995: 0

Albums released in 1994: 0

Albums released in 1993: 0

Albums released in 1992: 0

Albums released in 1991: 0

Albums released in 1984 – 1990: 0

Albums released in 1983: 0

Albums released in 1982: 0

Albums released in 1981: 1

Albums released in 1980: 0

Albums released in 1979: 0

Albums released in 1978: 0

Albums released in 1977: 0

Albums released in 1976: 0

Albums released in 1975: 0

Albums released in 1974: 0

Albums released in 1973: 0

Albums released in 1972: 0

Albums released in 1971: 0

Albums released before Edward Heath became Prime minister in 1970 : 0

(*balls! The Miley album was released on November 27th! I still think this is the best way of listing this by the way)

Legit Bosses

Drivers License almost got it exactly on, if you want more explanation of how Olivia Rodrigo captured the zeitgeist.

Not anywhere else apart from BandCamp, as far as I can tell, but an absolute choon. Can I just upload it to YouTube? Can I just say that I wrote it?

I wrote this. I wrote, produced and performed this. Pay me

Kanye’s received a bit of a kicking on this post so far, but don’t let that take away from how much of an epic piece of genius Jesus Lord is (part one or two, really).

Kudos to Jordana, but if you come at the king etc…

Eesh, I know, that is an ugly little picture I’ve made there…

Lot’s of feature spots on Legit Bosses 2021. And isn’t that the real lesson here? Te friends we make along the way and all that?

I don’t know how to end this post…

2021 is finally fucking over!!!

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