The Only Reason I Do This Fucking List
Yaaaay!! A statistical breakdown of 2017’s albums!! Suddenly, all those wasted evenings desperately bashing out 1000 words of utter shite on Muna or something finally comes to fruition!! I get to do a mathematical breakdown of the findings!! Kinda get tired reading more than 100 words but enjoy looking at pretty pictures? Yeah, me too…
This post is just for you!!
(around Ibeyi quality. So pretty fucking good…)
(Number 12, and surely a record that’ll never be beaten)
Look, I’m sorry for looking so smug, but it’s hard to look anything but when your unarguable genius is near comprehensively confirmed. The average of all 60 albums, even taking into account several EPs and mammoth outliers like Magnetic Fields, is just nine seconds short of what I personally decreed to be the perfect album length. Don’t just assume I write this blog as some throwaway larf: I am also a musical genius.
(Elevator Going Up by Gorillaz. On my version it’s actually only 2 seconds, but I decide to keel to Spotify’s view, as so many other great artists have. Utterly pointless. Albarn, you are a fucking tool
(What are the chances? Both that the gap between the shortest (ILY2 in Charli’s case, Call it What You Want in Taylor’s) and longest (Dreamer and End Game) tracks on the two women’s albums would be exactly the same, and that an actual picture exists of the two people together?! Saved me a lot of time that I’d already wasted trying to work this meaningless award out)
(sigh… I think Mr Merritt is going to be awarded rather a lot of these plaudits. Best make it more interesting:)
(fun fact: if Mr. Yachty followed Mr. Merritt’s lead and made a song for each year of his life, then ‘Teenage Emotions‘ would actually be one track SHORTER!)
(Japanese Breakfast one of many albums to go so close…)
(Merritt is here by law of averages, but both the Lil Yachty and Gorillaz are plagued by having a lot of songs that just aren’t quite brilliant enough. Interestingly, I don’t believe a photo of these three artists currently exists)
(even the Magnetic Fields couldn’t compete with the majesty of Lorde)
(even in the depths of 59th place hides a song amongst the year’s best)
(Christ, Ibeyi, let the other kids have a go. Yes, the sisters make it as high as 14th despite none of the album’s songs considered amongst the year’s best. Transmission was SO close though…)
(75% of the albums are 100%. with me?)
as high as Number 3 despite me being brave enough, some would say inspiringly so, to note that not every song on it is of the topmost quality)
(or, to put it more pessimistically: of my 60 absolute favourite albums of 2017, 8.58% of the songs I don’t much care for)
(I’m sorry, Future, but that’s fucking ridiculous)
(is that low? That feels low. Out Lines are the highest debutantes)
(ah, that difficult six and a halfth album. It was St Vincent’s sixth, so she’s almost there. And speaking of ageless: #segway)
(You’re going to die one way as well, Jaden Smith)
(Yeeeeeees, Mark Lanegan and Stephin Merritt! You both prove that you’re never too old to ROCK!! What’s that? Erm, yeah, I suppose it is getting a little late. I said I SUPPOSE IT IS GETTING A LI- oh, forget it…)
(Wow, I am near enough perfection yet again. Jim Rohn once said that you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with, but maybe you’re actually the average age of the 60 best albums from the previous year)
Dividing People by Nationality then Ranking Them
If a band has multiple nationalities, I’ve gone for the singer. If that singer has two nationalities, I’ve chosen the more interesting one
(Ah, Björk, the stalwart still hanging in at 57)
(Arcade Fire are Canadian. I can’t remember who the other two are…)
(alt-J are highest at number 4. Which is appropriate, because they look like the most English band ever)
(an absolutely humiliating victory for the Yanks, led by Perfume Genius at No.1. And talking of humiliating:)
(Wha’ happen?? Even SETH Manchester managed at least one entry!!)
The Most Viewed Pages
Jesus, I’m not going to speculate over what people thought that entry might involve, but it got more views than all but six of the actual albums. I’m still waiting to hear back from And So I Watch You From Afar, probably a lot of legal issues to sort out. Or they wanted me to finish this year’s blog first! Thanks, guys!
5. 7 SZA: CTRL
The one where I bore on about how much I miss Hejjy, whom I hadn’t heard from in years, only for the actual Hejjy to only fucking read it!! That comment is legitimately from her in China, by the way, and by God will you be hearing more about this!!
Thank you! The one entry I actually enjoyed writing and that took me by far the most time!
Obviously ASIWYFA fans checking out the new lead singer. Hi, guys!!
Great, way to send me a message, people. So by far the most popular thing I’ve written is where I document my own failed suicide attempt. What do you want me to do here: keep talking about my suicide attempt(s), or try to commit suicide more often and document it?? Because, seriously, I’ll do either: I am desperate for validation.
One person who read it was Samantha, the ex-wife I talk about. The first thing she’s said to me since 2013. I might talk more about it in the future…
I mean… eventually…
How is this entry more than 1000 words??