The Only Reason I Do This Fucking List

Yaaaay!! A statistical breakdown of 2017’s albums!! Suddenly, all those wasted evenings desperately bashing out 1000 words of utter shite on Muna or something finally comes to fruition!! I get to do a mathematical breakdown of the findings!! Kinda get tired reading more than 100 words but enjoy looking at pretty pictures? Yeah, me too…

This post is just for you!!

(number 3)

(Number 16)

(Ital Tek, Young M.a., Muna, Andrew Bird, Rina Sawayama, Out Lines)

(Number 5)

(around Ibeyi quality. So pretty fucking good…)

(Number 12, and surely a record that’ll never be beaten)

(Number 57. It’s the sound of Brexit, don’t forget)

Look, I’m sorry for looking so smug, but it’s hard to look anything but when your unarguable genius is near comprehensively confirmed. The average of all 60 albums, even taking into account several EPs and mammoth outliers like Magnetic Fields, is just nine seconds short of what I personally decreed to be the perfect album length. Don’t just assume I write this blog as some throwaway larf: I am also a musical genius.

(Earth from ‘Planetarium‘)

(Elevator Going Up by Gorillaz. On my version it’s actually only 2 seconds, but I decide to keel to Spotify’s view, as so many other great artists have. Utterly pointless. Albarn, you are a fucking tool

(Ms Sawayama expertly demonstrates succinct pop perfection)

(change yr mind, the shortest song from ‘american dream‘ still enjoys pissing about)

(With Save That Shit, the longest track on ‘Come Over When You’re Sober Pt1‘, not even breaking 4 minutes, Mr. Peep obviously knew time was an issue)

(What are the chances? Both that the gap between the shortest (ILY2 in Charli’s case, Call it What You Want in Taylor’s) and longest (Dreamer and End Game) tracks on the two women’s albums would be exactly the same, and that an actual picture exists of the two people together?! Saved me a lot of time that I’d already wasted trying to work this meaningless award out) 

(This was easier: no song this year is even close to being as long as Earth and few are as short as Haley’s Comet)

(sigh… I think Mr Merritt is going to be awarded rather a lot of these plaudits. Best make it more interesting:)

(fun fact: if Mr. Yachty followed Mr. Merritt’s lead and made a song for each year of his life, then ‘Teenage Emotions‘ would actually be one track SHORTER!)

(Mr. Tek’s EP never wastes time and is admirably brief, unlike the Brexit he’s so keen on soundtracking)

(Japanese Breakfast one of many albums to go so close…)

(Merritt is here by law of averages, but both the Lil Yachty and Gorillaz are plagued by having a lot of songs that just aren’t quite brilliant enough. Interestingly, I don’t believe a photo of these three artists currently exists)

(globulously…)

(at numbers 14 and 7)

(even the Magnetic Fields couldn’t compete with the majesty of Lorde)

(even in the depths of 59th place hides a song amongst the year’s best)

(Christ, Ibeyi, let the other kids have a go. Yes, the sisters make it as high as 14th despite none of the album’s songs considered amongst the year’s best. Transmission was SO close though…)

(75% of the albums are 100%. with me?)

(as low as 57th despite its perfection. I hope that’s the last we see of Ital, as I don’t think there are any more Brexit pictures)

as high as Number 3 despite me being brave enough, some would say inspiringly so, to note that not every song on it is of the topmost quality) 

(Number 52. You’re SHIT, Albarn, aaaaaaaaaaah! Even Lil freakin’ Yachty is more consistent than you) 

(or, to put it more pessimistically: of my 60 absolute favourite albums of 2017, 8.58% of the songs I don’t much care for)

(I’m sorry, Future, but that’s fucking ridiculous)

(is that low? That feels low. Out Lines are the highest debutantes)

(ah, that difficult six and a halfth album. It was St Vincent’s sixth, so she’s almost there. And speaking of ageless: #segway)

(You’re going to die one way as well, Jaden Smith)

(Yeeeeeees, Mark Lanegan and Stephin Merritt! You both prove that you’re never too old to ROCK!! What’s that? Erm, yeah, I suppose it is getting a little late. I said I SUPPOSE IT IS GETTING A LI- oh, forget it…)

(Wow, I am near enough perfection yet again. Jim Rohn once said that you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with, but maybe you’re actually the average age of the 60 best albums from the previous year)

Dividing People by Nationality then Ranking Them

If a band has multiple nationalities, I’ve gone for the singer. If that singer has two nationalities, I’ve chosen the more interesting one

(Lorde at Number 2)

(Ibeyi at Number 14)

(Arca at 35)

(And So I Watch You From Afar at a far too low 47) 

(Ah, Björk, the stalwart still hanging in at 57)

(with Fever Ray the highest at sixth) 

(Out Lines are actually highest at 5, but I think I’ve already used literally every photo the band have ever taken, so here’s Mogwai, who came 50th)

(Arcade Fire are Canadian. I can’t remember who the other two are…)

(alt-J are highest at number 4. Which is appropriate, because they look like the most English band ever)

(an absolutely humiliating victory for the Yanks, led by Perfume Genius at No.1. And talking of humiliating:)

(Wha’ happen?? Even SETH Manchester managed at least one entry!!)

The Most Viewed Pages

10. 26 Public Service Broadcasting: Every Valley

9. 21 EMA: Exile in the Outer Ring

8. 33 Various Artists: Tegan and Sara Present The Con X: Covers

7. A Quick (possibly final) Entry

Jesus, I’m not going to speculate over what people thought that entry might involve, but it got more views than all but six of the actual albums. I’m still waiting to hear back from And So I Watch You From Afar, probably a lot of legal issues to sort out. Or they wanted me to finish this year’s blog first! Thanks, guys!

6. 19 Protomartyr: Relatives in Descent

5. 7 SZA: CTRL

The one where I bore on about how much I miss Hejjy, whom I hadn’t heard from in years, only for the actual Hejjy to only fucking read it!! That comment is legitimately from her in China, by the way, and by God will you be hearing more about this!!

4. 24 Waxahatchee: Out In the Storm

3. 12 The Magnetic Fields: 50 Song Memoir

Thank you! The one entry I actually enjoyed writing and that took me by far the most time!

2. 45 And So I Watch You From Afar: The Endless Shimmering

Obviously ASIWYFA fans checking out the new lead singer. Hi, guys!!

1. 23 St Vincent: MASSEDUCTION

Great, way to send me a message, people. So by far the most popular thing I’ve written is where I document my own failed suicide attempt. What do you want me to do here: keep talking about my suicide attempt(s), or try to commit suicide more often and document it?? Because, seriously, I’ll do either: I am desperate for validation.

One person who read it was Samantha, the ex-wife I talk about. The first thing she’s said to me since 2013. I might talk more about it in the future…

(I’m sorry, Mark, you know I love you, but this song is worse than AIDS)

 

I mean… eventually…

How is this entry more than 1000 words??