Stats Through the Heart (and you’re to blame) 2018

Hooray for me. A winner is me. I’m the king of the world. I am a golden God. I put the bomp in the bomp bah bomp bah bomp. I’m that star up in the sky. I’m that mountain peak up high. Hey, I made it. I’m the world’s greatest. I assume that allows me to enslave any underage girl I want, with occasional pissing privileges. What a time to be alive.

celebration
That’s me, that is

This week 2019 officially outstripped 2018 on Necessary Evil, with the site getting more views and more individual visitors than ever before. This despite me not even starting the end of year list, which has always been the only reason any of you miserable cunts (love you!) ever visit this piece of shit site. This is, of course, an outstanding achievement which you no doubt would have heard on the news. Whatever it is that I do on this blog is more popular than ever.  Perhaps it’s due to me writing many more non-list entries this year. In 2019, I’ve written

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I’ve written a number of non-list entries, which beats my previous record of ‘a lot less’ at best and, more commonly, ‘fuck all’. I’m not going to waste much time trying to analyse why I’m so popular- just luck at that fucking face. Adorable- but such a momentous occasion deserves something of a celebration. And I couldn’t think of a better one than this. Or, more accurately, I could think of a million better ways to celebrate than this, but this is the only one I could be arsed doing. Good? Good.

You could probably guess what I’m aiming to do. As we edge towards the end of the year, it’s obvious what needs to be done, and the fact that we are about to close on a decade that has seen the arrival SnapChat, Pope Francis, Boko Harem, Transformers: Age of Extinction and Miley Cyrus & Her Dead Petz only makes things more imperative.

That’s right: a statistical breakdown of the best albums of 2018!!

Yeah, I know, I should have done this in January when I finished the countdown, much like I published detailed breakdowns soon after 2016 and 2017 finished. But you know what? I’ve just been busy, man, y’know? Did you not notice that it took me three entries to list the greatest Money in the Bank matches ever? If I’m spending so much time on bullshit like that how am I ever going to find time for bullshit like this? Are you going to be one of those people who doesn’t like it when things they don’t like happen?? Grow up, this is neoliberalism and you’ll accept whatever we tell you that you’re happy with.

Love you!

8641b7b0-d59e-4906-bb86-613a24a93505-2003-000002a6569964be
awakebutstillinbed got it spot on
cfb74410-76aa-4c5c-98b8-90762ad7603f-2003-000002aa11b72d32
I can’t do the maths, but a 15 minute album making it all the way to number 4 has to mean… something… yeah? Like, statistically…
30d58246-a212-4773-a1fc-094933a64827-2003-000002a887a272ef
I mean- whoof!- fair fucks, Lupe, you be you, yeah?

Track Numbers

f3dfbeca-802f-4ad3-935a-7d1d3f8187b8-2003-000002ac680559f5
MRSN’s Stef Chura gets close
f43a3782-ee08-455e-a694-5553a8157bca-2003-000002ae84c5f7bf
I mean… it’s one song… does that even count…?
7b4a023f-8b64-42ca-b957-031e7aee7529-2003-000002af054ee29b
Yeah, that’s more like it. Also, forgot all about this amazing record
a1965eb1-9b5e-479b-b18f-ecac08f33598-2003-000002ad372da4e4
I mean, hmmm, yeah, it’s the best compilation of recent times, but not really an album, is it?
41bdd1f3-916a-4737-8d09-76a376551312-2003-000002ae0280ea7b
Yeah, that makes more sense. An absolutely amazing collection of songs all leading into that moment in Nothing Left But Their Name

The Ten Albums That Were Considered Potential Winners

10. Ash Koosha: ‘Aktual(Actual position: 42)

I was convinced after that opening track, which unfortunately Mr. Koosha kind of neglects to follow up on.

9. Zeal & Ardor: ‘Stranger Fruit’ (18)

Z&A’s method of making music probably deserves to come first place all by itself, and they’re among the artists likely to finish top at some point in the future. ‘Stranger Fruit’ isn’t quite that record yet, and perhaps suffers as a result of the band feeling that their ‘proper’ debut album had to be 45 minutes+. This essentially leads to an awesome opener, an awesome closer, but an unfocused and meandering middle.

8. Young Fathers: ‘Cocoa Butter’ (17)

On paper, Young Fathers really should win Necessary Evil one day, shouldn’t they? The next album, definitely…

7. Lupe Fiasco: ‘DROGAS Wave’ (11)

Considered throwing him the win in recognition of his service, but come on, Lupe, man, 98 minutes??

6. Anna Calvi: ‘Hunter’ (9)

I really, really loved this album for the longest time, but something about the profuction and the muffled sound kept me from going balls in

5. Tove Styrke: ‘Sway’ (6)

This album’s 26 minutes long, because that’s how long it needs to be. Take note, Zeal. You too, Ardor. The both of you can learn a lot

4 Tierra Whack: ‘Whack World’ (4)

Yeah, this list becomes a bit redundant now

3. Low: ‘Double Negative’ (3)

If I wrote the list again, I might put this at number one…

2. Janelle Monae: ‘Dirty Computer’ (2)

I assumed this’d win for almost the whole year

1. Car Seat Headrest: ‘Twin Fantasy (Face to Face)’ (1)

Globulously

Sigh… Why wasn’t my list just that…?

Nationalities

OK, this is the good part, we set nations against nations to prove which one is the best. Apparently, there wasn’t one Canadian album this year (or Mexican. Or German. Or Chinese. Or African. Shit…) which leads me to assume I’ve made a mistake somewhere. Let me know if I have, but really, you Canadians are basically American, no?

Sigh.. is USA just going to wipe the floor with everyone again…?

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My mate Christine representing
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Where’s the next album, Hinds? Come on, it can’t take you more than a week to make one
193c4250-7b3e-432c-aa7c-212207b8b856-2003-000002b1e86d1e64
Ursula’s Cartridges just part of a Strong Scandinavian Showing (SSS) in 2018. Wait.. is Finland in Scandinavia…? It’s pretty cold, right?
560c0c78-ea8f-454a-a818-fb625a00f42c-2003-000002b56dbdf238
The wonderful Zeal & Ardor with their glorious yet controversial music that’s… culturally appropriating… slaves…? It’s complicated
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I mean… kind ofZ Tapes is based in Slovakia
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It’s really impossible to place Superorganism
83a79f01-1e40-4741-b769-45fe39aeccda-2003-000002b7a7c9bb9b
Bet you didn’t know Laura Jean was Australian! Actually, bet you didn’t know who Laura Jean even is…
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Japan’s highest album, Voice Hardcore, only got to 72, but it’s still nice of them to turn up
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Two albums. Both by the same guy, but still
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Sweden officially the third best country in the world (and an excuse for a picture of the love of my life)
ac4d204d-f37d-425c-bb4d-096a92d8690e-2003-000002b943a4279b
Thirteen albums from the UK. Thirteen!! A pathetic showing, even if Let’s Eat Grandma are doing their best from Norwich
655f4aed-2e95-46db-a4f2-ac613ca19821-2003-000002baa9eaa96e
Sigh, another trouncing. Car Seat Headrest win the entire thing, and combined with Hank Hill they become the most American thing ever
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I know, Tove, I’m upset too. Hopefully in 2019 we can at least break the USA’s stranglehold on the top five

Gender Balance

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Don’t ask me how I worked this out, but I’m quite happy with that ratio. Princess Nokia flying the flag there

Best First Person Albums

6. The Body: ‘I Have Fought Against It, but I Can’t Any Longer’ (77)

5. Luke Haines: ‘I Sometimes Dream of Glue’ (73)

4. Hinds: ‘I Don’t Run’ (51)

3. Santigold: ‘I Don’t Want: The Gold Fire Sessions’ (34)

2. tUnE-yArDs: ‘I Can Feel You Creep Into My Private Life’ (33)

1. Let’s Eat Grandma: ‘I’m All Ears’ (7)

(special mention for ‘Care for Me‘ at no.32 and ‘For My Crimes‘ at no.45)

Notable Improvements

56e3b858-f2c9-461a-846f-856911bc1ddc-2003-000002bf3f4ffc75
Yeah, I got her 2016 placing embarrassingly wrong, but a top five finish hopefully alleviates that
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Yeah, I got their 2016 placing embarrassingly wrong, but a top twenty finish hopefully alleviates that
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Ms Li is making records as wonderful as she is again
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a winner is you
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Yaaaaaaars!! One of my favourite bands actually start justifying my love again!

Notable Fall/Failings

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Am I the only person who realises that ‘Pop 2‘ really isn’t all that?? Not a patch on ‘No 1 Angel
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That’s cool, Jonny Boy, you’re album was exactly what you intended it to be (and you obviously didn’t intend it to be anywhere near as good as ‘Immunity‘)
83e985f3-a0cd-4ea3-b95b-ca396f61929e-2003-000002c963c3f124
Nope, I’m just not having this, your last album was a stinker and not a patch on the genius you’re capable of
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You obviously had fun with ‘Love is Magic‘, now can you go back to making actual great music?
85791dfb-15cc-4165-8fc3-b2033814dbec-2003-000002caf14ef346
Awwwww, leave them, alone! They just did one of the best albums of their career, let them mess about a bit!
a87b054a-84f0-4766-bf18-52ad5f3c94ac-2003-000002cb87267d80
Rubbish. The biggest let down of 2018. I really thought they’d become one of my favourite bands after ‘Multi-Love‘. Booooooo!

Words

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A brilliant song on Z Tapes’ ‘Spring 2018‘ collection. Buy it, you fuckers! You can pay whatever you fucking want, you cheap bastards!!

I Also Loved

Laura Jean: ‘I remember when she told me/She was on cocaine/I felt like I didn’t know her/Or how she got that way’

Camp Cope:Could it be true?/You don’t seem like that kind of guy/Not you, you’ve got that one song that I like/They said he’s got one song that I like’

Denzel Curry: ‘With a good girl gone bad girl/Who went gay ’cause of date rape/That’s a metaphor for the US/’Cause they got us all in the same state’

Kanye West: ‘Today, I seriously thought about killing you/I contemplated, premeditated murder/And I think about killing myself/And I love myself way more than I love you, so…’

Dishonourable Discharge: I thought the lyrics of It Doesn’t Matter by my mate Christine were ‘If I barely feel God, and if God exists/It doesn’t matter’ which I freaking loved, but I’ve only just now realised the lyrics are ‘If I believe in God, and if God exists…’, which I’m sure you’ll agree is way worse. Sort it out, Chrissy.

Legit Bosses

The stats surrounding the 136 best songs of 2018

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Anna Calvi’s Hunter gets close to the standard length
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Sigh, yeah, obviously, every song on Ms Whack’s astonishing album is only a minute long
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Lovely, no?
40c38219-1dd5-40bf-9a3c-b46b77e3786c-3029-0000037f0da3901b
Bollocks! It’s ‘FAMOUS Prophets‘, not ‘FUTURE Prophets’!! Ah well, fucked if I’m remaking that picture…
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The highs on that album are more numerous and more high than any other of 2018
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Boys Will Be Boys‘ is one example, although it’s now on an album that might make it onto the list this year. Also, Vice Magazine, did you have to strip Ms Donnelly down to her grundies for your interview?? Mind you, did I have to use the picture here…?
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Stef Chura is still represented by the soundtrack to MRSN’s Spirit of Manchester 2018 video
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Aqua Girl definitely has the potential for future Legit Boss entries. New album soon…?

And Finally…

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Can I go now?

Necessary Evil 2019 in about 6 weeks. Ready yourselves (and your anuses)

2 thoughts on “Stats Through the Heart (and you’re to blame) 2018

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