Hooray for me. A winner is me. I’m the king of the world. I am a golden God. I put the bomp in the bomp bah bomp bah bomp. I’m that star up in the sky. I’m that mountain peak up high. Hey, I made it. I’m the world’s greatest. I assume that allows me to enslave any underage girl I want, with occasional pissing privileges. What a time to be alive.
This week 2019 officially outstripped 2018 on Necessary Evil, with the site getting more views and more individual visitors than ever before. This despite me not even starting the end of year list, which has always been the only reason any of you miserable cunts (love you!) ever visit this piece of shit site. This is, of course, an outstanding achievement which you no doubt would have heard on the news. Whatever it is that I do on this blog is more popular than ever. Perhaps it’s due to me writing many more non-list entries this year. In 2019, I’ve written
I’ve written a number of non-list entries, which beats my previous record of ‘a lot less’ at best and, more commonly, ‘fuck all’. I’m not going to waste much time trying to analyse why I’m so popular- just luck at that fucking face. Adorable- but such a momentous occasion deserves something of a celebration. And I couldn’t think of a better one than this. Or, more accurately, I could think of a million better ways to celebrate than this, but this is the only one I could be arsed doing. Good? Good.
You could probably guess what I’m aiming to do. As we edge towards the end of the year, it’s obvious what needs to be done, and the fact that we are about to close on a decade that has seen the arrival SnapChat, Pope Francis, Boko Harem, Transformers: Age of Extinction and Miley Cyrus & Her Dead Petz only makes things more imperative.
That’s right: a statistical breakdown of the best albums of 2018!!
Yeah, I know, I should have done this in January when I finished the countdown, much like I published detailed breakdowns soon after 2016 and 2017 finished. But you know what? I’ve just been busy, man, y’know? Did you not notice that it took me three entries to list the greatest Money in the Bank matches ever? If I’m spending so much time on bullshit like that how am I ever going to find time for bullshit like this? Are you going to be one of those people who doesn’t like it when things they don’t like happen?? Grow up, this is neoliberalism and you’ll accept whatever we tell you that you’re happy with.
The Ten Albums That Were Considered Potential Winners
10. Ash Koosha: ‘Aktual‘(Actual position: 42)
I was convinced after that opening track, which unfortunately Mr. Koosha kind of neglects to follow up on.
9. Zeal & Ardor: ‘Stranger Fruit’ (18)
Z&A’s method of making music probably deserves to come first place all by itself, and they’re among the artists likely to finish top at some point in the future. ‘Stranger Fruit’ isn’t quite that record yet, and perhaps suffers as a result of the band feeling that their ‘proper’ debut album had to be 45 minutes+. This essentially leads to an awesome opener, an awesome closer, but an unfocused and meandering middle.
8. Young Fathers: ‘Cocoa Butter’ (17)
On paper, Young Fathers really should win Necessary Evil one day, shouldn’t they? The next album, definitely…
7. Lupe Fiasco: ‘DROGAS Wave’ (11)
Considered throwing him the win in recognition of his service, but come on, Lupe, man, 98 minutes??
6. Anna Calvi: ‘Hunter’ (9)
I really, really loved this album for the longest time, but something about the profuction and the muffled sound kept me from going balls in
5. Tove Styrke: ‘Sway’ (6)
This album’s 26 minutes long, because that’s how long it needs to be. Take note, Zeal. You too, Ardor. The both of you can learn a lot
4 Tierra Whack: ‘Whack World’ (4)
Yeah, this list becomes a bit redundant now
3. Low: ‘Double Negative’ (3)
If I wrote the list again, I might put this at number one…
2. Janelle Monae: ‘Dirty Computer’ (2)
I assumed this’d win for almost the whole year
1. Car Seat Headrest: ‘Twin Fantasy (Face to Face)’ (1)
Sigh… Why wasn’t my list just that…?
OK, this is the good part, we set nations against nations to prove which one is the best. Apparently, there wasn’t one Canadian album this year (or Mexican. Or German. Or Chinese. Or African. Shit…) which leads me to assume I’ve made a mistake somewhere. Let me know if I have, but really, you Canadians are basically American, no?
Sigh.. is USA just going to wipe the floor with everyone again…?
Best First Person Albums
6. The Body: ‘I Have Fought Against It, but I Can’t Any Longer’ (77)
5. Luke Haines: ‘I Sometimes Dream of Glue’ (73)
4. Hinds: ‘I Don’t Run’ (51)
3. Santigold: ‘I Don’t Want: The Gold Fire Sessions’ (34)
2. tUnE-yArDs: ‘I Can Feel You Creep Into My Private Life’ (33)
1. Let’s Eat Grandma: ‘I’m All Ears’ (7)
(special mention for ‘Care for Me‘ at no.32 and ‘For My Crimes‘ at no.45)
I Also Loved
Laura Jean: ‘I remember when she told me/She was on cocaine/I felt like I didn’t know her/Or how she got that way’
Camp Cope: ‘Could it be true?/You don’t seem like that kind of guy/Not you, you’ve got that one song that I like/They said he’s got one song that I like’
Denzel Curry: ‘With a good girl gone bad girl/Who went gay ’cause of date rape/That’s a metaphor for the US/’Cause they got us all in the same state’
Kanye West: ‘Today, I seriously thought about killing you/I contemplated, premeditated murder/And I think about killing myself/And I love myself way more than I love you, so…’
Dishonourable Discharge: I thought the lyrics of It Doesn’t Matter by my mate Christine were ‘If I barely feel God, and if God exists/It doesn’t matter’ which I freaking loved, but I’ve only just now realised the lyrics are ‘If I believe in God, and if God exists…’, which I’m sure you’ll agree is way worse. Sort it out, Chrissy.
The stats surrounding the 136 best songs of 2018
Can I go now?
Necessary Evil 2019 in about 6 weeks. Ready yourselves (and your anuses)
4 thoughts on “Stats Through the Heart (and you’re to blame) 2018”