Statatouille: Necessary Evil 2021 in numbers

This is it, boys and girls. Lock the doors, pull down the shutters, pour out the gasoline, throw the match, salt the Earth so that nothing here can ever grow again – 2021 is now officially over. Sure, if you’re into lame boomer ideas like the ‘calendar’, you might think that we’re already up to the twenty sixth of March 2022, but if you’re a proper gigachad you’ll know that a year doesn’t officially end until the scientifically proven best albums of that year have received a statistical breakdown. 2015 actually managed to end on the thirteenth of December that year, but 2016 didn’t end until the fourth November 2017, 2017 ended on the fourth April 2018, 2018 ended on October twentieth 2019, 2019 quickly ended on January eleventh 2020, and 2020 didn’t end until March thirty first last year. Years before 2015 just… didn’t end… And, yeah, I’m in danger of running out of ‘stat’ based puns at some point.

Feast your eyes, and feast your minds, yeah?

CHomp chomp

1 Low: HEY WHAT (Greatest Album of 2021)

2018 #3

It’s probably too late now, isn’t it? For you, I mean. This is it in your life. How old are you? Older than those kids you see on YouTube and on TikTok. What are you even doing watching YouTube and TikTok?? Both of those things are full of vitality and with ruthless optimism! Neither of those things are for you. How old did you say you were, I must have missed that? 28? Nah, dude, you’ve just not been counting recently, because your life is now a dehumanising repetition of routines and obligations, you’re actually 32 now. Shit, no, because of your meaningless demands and crushing inevitabilities, you couldn’t find time to read that last sentence all at once, you’re now 44. Shit! You’re now in your fifties!

That’s you, that is

It’s over though, right? Seriously, if you haven’t worked out your entire life by aged 21 you’re too late, and whatever you’re doing now – whatever you are – is officially set for all time. The only ‘change’ that is now permitted is a occasional change in the brand of washing up liquid you buy. And is that even allowed?? What will people say?? That person who works at the checkout counter in Tesco, the one you now know by name, what will they say?? No, you’re too old to be doing shit like this, people will mock you behind your back, say that you don’t even realise how monstrously old and past your prime you are. Put the washing up liquid back, Thomas, say in your fucking lane. Your past the era of change now, this thing now, these cruxes you’ve built to support yourself, these crosses that you’ve accepted to bear, this is your everything and shall always be. This is your life.