“Everybody wanted ‘Yandhi’/But Jesus Christ did the laundry” 

So Kanye ditched ‘Yandhi‘, which was late in its production and looked like it might become very worthwhile, to instead work on a completely new album. OK. I mean, switching projects completely so rapidly and frequently might not bode well for general standards of quality, but who am I to speak about artistic methods? I do this list every year and yet still manage to never let the quality slip below pelvis shattering power, so I’m sure lesser artists like Kanye will be able to ensure standards are still high. And it’s a gospel album?! Well colour me intrigued! Perhaps Kanye will be able to put similar spins on (and analysis of) the genre as Chance the Rapper did on ‘Coloring Book‘! Back when Chance was good! Perhaps, in the future, we will look back on ‘Yandhi’ as Kanye’s ‘Black Album‘, Prince’s mythical 1987 album that he allegedly dropped work on after experiencing a spiritual epiphany while on pills* and decide to instead focus on the gorgeous paean to the struggles of good over evil (and, y’know, shagging) that was ‘Lovesexy‘. Perhaps something happened to Kanye similar to Prince coming up and seeing the light. Kanye West doesn’t take good drugs though, guy has far too much upper body tension, so it’d be an experience more suited to him. Maybe he saw someone else wearing leather jogging pants- his invention!!- and it just pushed him over the edge. Maybe he realised the president he’s such a fan of is an unashamed racist and wants many of his fans removed from the country. Hard to say. Perhaps ‘Yandhi’ will finally receive a proper release in 7 years time and people will be ever so slightly disappointed

(*described as a ‘bad experience on MDMA’ in the Wikipedia article, which, hehehe, no. Taking a pill and then deciding to drop the darker work you’re doing in favour of positive stuff that tries to bring love to everyone isn’t a ‘bad experience on MDMA’, it’s just what happens when you take pills)

Actually, while I’m here, can I just have a quick moan about what I still consider to be the most offensive aspect of Kanye’s unbelievably dumb conversion to Trumpanomics*? Please? It won’t take long. OK, so that fucking Chance the Rapper tweet:

(*which, as I’ve previously explained, he’s so detached from reality that he still doesn’t even understand what the big deal is. He honestly thinks he’s just being criticised for being a free thinker. To someone not paying attention, it’s like having the house maid turn on BBC News for the first time since 2008 and finding out that Nasty Nick is now Prime Minister. That would be fucking awesome. His utter ignorance either makes it much better or much worse, or perhaps both)

Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh where do you even start with that utter horseshit? I don’t want to say that Kanye West’s colour had nothing to do with it, because unfortunately despite great strides made recently a person’s race still always has always got a lot to do with the way they’re perceived in every situation, but I think we could safely say that Kanye being black was only a part of the reason him falling for Trump was so abhorrent. If this were the main reason, surely if Bruce Springsteen announced his support for Donnie Fartberg, people’s reaction would be

“Well, that’s a shame… Makes sense though, when you think about it”

Ooooooh, maybe he could reshoot his ‘Born in the USA’ album cover to include a MAGA hat! It makes TOTAL sense! Is this part of the Qanon conspiracy?

OK, let’s just assume he meant ‘Kanye doesn’t have to be a Democrat’. I’d absolutely agree with that, I hate the Democratic Party, they seem to embody the utter failure of the ‘left’ over the past 2-3 decades (including the fact that they’re so rarely fucking left wing!!). Plus there’s all that raping children in pizzeria basements. I mean, we can forgive a bit here and there, but to put it in your actual manifesto?? It’s a free, democratic country, so Kanye is allowed to protest the Democrat’s nonsense by taking his vote elsewhere. But people weren’t upset that he wasn’t a Democrat. He wasn’t even a Republican. He didn’t care about policies. He was just a fan of Donald Trump. Donald Trump is a horrible man. People were upset by this. And no, he doesn’t have to be a Democrat, he proved this by not being one, if it were fundamentally essential then he would scientifically be simply be unable to do it. Nobody’s arguing that he shouldn’t be allowed to praise Dumpen Frump, just that he’s a massive dick for doing so. What you’re actually saying is ‘people should be allowed to do things and never have to answer to criticism’. Shut the fuck up, Chance.

 

Yeah, I know, he’s since apologised, and this allegedly happened more than 18 months ago, but I gotta get my shit in!! Almost as important is how will Kanye take on the complexity of religion? We’ve heard his incisive, childishly profane, occasionally profound and frequently very witty takes on many aspects of fame and modern life (‘I wanna fuck you hard on the sink/After that, give you something to drink/Step back, can’t get spunk on the mink’- we can all relate to that), so having him turn his attention to his own religious beliefs is sure to be fascinating. So, what is it, Mr West, what exactly is it that makes God and his cute little sidekick Jesus all that and a bag on potatoes?

It… it turns out that Jesus… and God*… are good because… They’re good because… Kanye West is really successful… and… and he has a lot of money… That’s it. If you’re looking for deeper ruminations on faith and the place of religion in the modern world, may I recommend God is a DJ? Or perhaps Where’s God by the Insane Clown Posse? Fuck, listen to the instrumental version of God Save the Queen, even the Sex Pistols version, and you will find far more enlightened and intellectually challenging ideas about the nature of God that on Kanye’s half arsed effort. When I say that he argues that Jesus/God is pretty rocking just because he’s so successful, I don’t mean that Kanye speculates whether it was only his faith that made all his success possible. No. He’s successful, so God’s great. the end. Kanye doesn’t actually question or defend his belief in God, his belief in God isn’t really even a card he’s playing at all. He’s simply saying how successful and rich he is, and God happens to be watching over it all so, sure, give him a shout out as well. The album may as well be called ‘That Freckle On My Right Wrist Is King‘, because that little spot below Kanye’s arm has been present for all his success, never interfering in his wonderfulness. Kanye doesn’t believe in God, he just supports God like you would support a football team. And he’s even a derisively casual supporter, only properly getting behind his team when the going’s good.

 

(*the two characters really are interchangeable, you get no impression of their defining characteristics or motivations. I did a bit of research, and I found different instances of them being referred to as both father and son and just the same character! Such lazy, inconsistent writing plagues the first two books, and it’s no wonder that the Third Testament- released in the West as ‘Mr Pinkwhistle Interferes‘- was such a flop)

So God and his irritating, Scrappy-Doo esque sidekick Jesus are great because you’ve got loads of money? Do you not think that might not be such a universal platitude? Are we all supposed to celebrate the fact that God made Kanye West so successful and happy? God gave you those disgustingly large tax breaks? What about those people who actually pay tax? Y’know, the poorer people? Guess what, Mr West, I’m fucking broke, I’m not in any way successful, and my life is just one neverending cycle of misery, what should my relationship with Jesus be?

In fact, I’m proud to announce:

63 Alex Palmer: Jesus Is A Cunt

Yeah, I’m pretty proud of my debut album, turned out great. I’ve gotta give thanks to the hard work of all the three billion people in the world (including one billion children) currently living in poverty, whom- using Kanye’s measure- are all living proof that Jesus and God are both absolute pieces of shit. Man, the percussion playing by the 1.3 billion people in extreme poverty was something else, I think because they were on a mission to prove that Jesus was the worst kind of cunt. Like, some sort of vicious psychopath, surely? I’ve got barely any money and I’m not even close to being successful, so I figured this must mean that Jesus is a dick and spell it out over the record’s eleven tracks. Apart from track seven, Jingle When You Mingle With My Shingles, that’s a Christmas song because my agent said I should also aim for that market. The record’s also brown. Because that’s the colour of poo.

I’m joking, of course, but I’m being deadly serious. These are the parameters that Kanye justifies faith in God and- if I can stop joking for just a second- it’s fucking disgusting.

What makes it more disgusting is the fact that, musically, ‘Jesus Isn’t a Cunt, Apparently’ is frequently a brilliant album. It’s all the more frustrating that, despite its release being delayed for roughly several Anno Mundis, it still sounds slight and unfinished in places. You know why that is, Kanye? It’s because you can’t focus on one record for more than twelve seconds!? Why not, rather than starting twelve dozen projects, giving none of them proper time, then just releasing whatever happens to be in your MiniDisc player at the end of the that happens to only have brief flashes of the genius that you’re still capable of, you actually put all your energy into one record for a decent amount of time and produce something even slightly worthy of being considered alongside your best work? You utter ignorant, fucking capitalism blowing, fat cunt on a fucking bicycle!!!

Kanye’s always going to make this list, always so much to write about!

Metacritic: 55

72 in 2019

12 in 2018

36 in 2016

4 in 2013

 

Hey, I was just playing. My life’s pretty good, I’ve got a job that I love and haven’t attempted suicide in years. I may not be financially successful, but I get to talk to all you guys, which is the biggest reward in the World! I’ve actually re-released my album:

Kept that colour though. Because, no matter how well life’s going, Jesus is still a bit of a shit, isn’t he?