58 Björk: Utopia
59 Taylor Swift: Reputation
OK, Christ, I’ll try and stay more on point for this one…
Swift’s Immodest Supposal*
“Love made me crazy If it doesn’t, you ain’t doin’ it right”
When did that become the accepted view? Why are we still selling the idea that ‘real’ love is supposed to be difficult? Can’t we have a few songs about how you met someone who also thought that ‘Nevermind’ was an overrated album and made you smile a noticeably increased amount of times? If ‘love’ is driving you crazy, it doesn’t prove that you’re ‘doing it right’, it proves that one or both of you is a little mentally unstable and absolutely not good for each other.
I’m going to break it down in a completely scientific and not in the least bit cynical way:
60 British Sea Power: Let the Dancers Inherit the Party
You know what?: It probably would have made much more sense to actually start the countdown at the same time I announced it, rather than making a big song and dance about it, then going to bed and doing fuck all for 24 hours. Ah well, here we are:
BSP Inspire Slight PTSD
“You said the world was losing all its lustre
You realised each day you’re growing old”
Your body decides that it’s really given you enough and stops growing in any beneficial way around age 21. This is also the absolute oldest age that you’re really supposed to leave full time education. I mean, sure, there are people older than 21 who decide that, despite being legal adults in every conceivable sense, they still want to stay at school for all their life, base both their dress sense and DVD collection around Tom Baker’s Doctor Who and never shut the fuck up about how much better the quality of the real ale is at their local pub (‘The Queen’s Withered Resignation’) than Wetherspoons’s. These people, though, are the most ridiculous people in the world, and should be disregarded in every discussion.
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Necessary Evil 2017
It’s Back (and Badder than Ever)
Only two months late!
I mean, like, it’s starting two months late, but expect me to actually get to number one some time in late 2034.
Best Albums of 2013: Necessary Evil’s Chris Benoit
I’ve tried to put this off for a long time: the 2013 best albums list that I originally emailed off to ‘friends’ and ‘allies’ around Christmas that year is the final collection to be posted onto the webisphere and officially archived. I considered never doing it, denying its existence and never admitting to the shameful mistakes it contains. However, when I write my NE2017 list (soon, I promise) I want to make a point of referring to artists’ past entries in the Necessary Evil Blogging Universe (NEBU), so I’ve relented and made it available to read.
I was mainly worried about two things: firstly, I spent 6 months of 2013 in hospital, occasionally politely coughing and making my existence known to death’s door, so the fact that I managed to still mash out a top 50 at year’s end- while being an astonishing achievement warranting some achievements in disability award- makes me assume that a large portion of it will be unreadable madness.
Yes, very funny: more so than usual
Secondly, Arctic Monkey’s award for best album was soon revoked in light of their tax dodging selfishness, and the records for 2013 now show Hjaltalin’s astonishing ‘Enter 4′ as the greatest album, as despite it only finishing 5th in this initial list, by the time Arctic Monkey’s were stripped of the award it had grown into my favourite release of the year. Arctic Monkey’s win in 2013 is now viewed in the Necessary Evil Online Community (NEOC) with the same divisiveness as Benoit’s Wrestlemania 20 Heavyweight Championship win, and doubtless the posting of this list will be viewed as an extremely controversial move by victims of the Arctic Monkeys’ crimes. I apologise for any offence caused, but you must understand the importance of establising the legitimacy of NEBU.
So, I re-read the list for the first time in years and…
It’s…
…
…
…not bad. Not bad at all. In fact, I’d say that 2013 might contain some of my best and most incisive actual music writing, and I didn’t cringe nearly as much as I feared. Jesus, some of the entries (The Strokes, Arcade Fire, Kanye West…) are some of the best normal writing I’ve ever done! From death to coherence: I’m such a fucking inspirational figure
It’s far from perfect- I make a quip about Bowie not dying, I’m a little too subtly sexist in my Haim review, Steve Mason is number fucking two…- but I’m not completely overwhelmed by shame posting them
Also: Daft Punk are only no.42, Vampire Weekend 34, that’s pretty gangsta…
NE2017 soon, I promise
I love you all
Except you…
Continue reading “Best Albums of 2013: Necessary Evil’s Chris Benoit”
Bring the Whole Edifice Down on Their Unworthy Heads
Christ, I’m starting to question the 2009 award now I see how badly the Manics’ name fucks up a good font
Continue reading “Bring the Whole Edifice Down on Their Unworthy Heads”
The Hotelier Make Me Believe There’s a God Sometime
There’s something that feels inherently wrong about strongly getting into a new musical artist at my age.
I’m not going to go into details, but I’m older (and fatter) than Ronaldo was when he was embarrassingly decrepit and past his prime at World Cup 2006- which was once my very barometer of shameful over-maturity- but younger than Diamond Dallas Page was when he first started wrestling, so that dream isn’t quite dead yet.
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Donald Trump Breaks the Fourth Wall
There are only two real reasons that exist to justify writing, two possible excuses for dribbling over your fingers and then wiping the resulting saliva- diluted with Monster Munch crumbs from last night’s binge of consumption that attempted to comfort the desolate loneliness that eats at your soul and also from the tears that such an act inevitably result in- across a keyboard and mashing the porridge of shame into roman numerals and expecting the outside world to be deserving of it.
The first reason is if you’re actually, like, good at writing. If you’re a proper good writer like, I dunno, Dan Brown or David Walliams then your writing might be good enough to one day be turned into a movie, and therefore your ideas could actually effect the wider cultural conscious. I’ll admit that here’s a weird grey area that exists where you write good stuff that isn’t turned into a film- like… erm… Salmon Rushdie?- and this just about qualifies your existence. But who reads books today, honestly? Freaking nerds, that’s who.
I obviously don’t fall into this category: I’m not very good at writing.
I’m Not Sure…
But I THINK that 2017 may be a uncommonly average year for albums, with only one so far that I’d confidently describe as a real Nipple Stroker™
Ewan Palmer is a Flaming Dick Whacker
That’s my brother Ewan, and he is- as the caption suggests- a colossal arsewipe
Necessary Evil 