Christ, I’m starting to question the 2009 award now I see how badly the Manics’ name fucks up a good font

Yes, January 4th 2018 is when I finally draw a ragged and filthy curtain, drenched in its maker’s tears of salted pure worthlessness, over the best albums of 2016. I’ll outline my future plans for the maybe two people who will ever read this (a sweaty old man creeping the internet late at night who happens upon this site because he happened to be Googling ‘real skinned warthorg porn’, and maybe my Dad. Actually, that might just be one person) but first I thought I’d search my media library alphabetically and mention the many, many, fucking many! albums that weren’t deemed noteworthy enough to warrant a place in the top one hundred and seventeen!!:

21 Savage & Metro Bloomin: Savage

He’s hip-hop, isn’t he? I notice 21 Savage’s name pop up here and there but have next to no memory of this album

Abrahamsen: Let Me Tell You

What the fuck is this? Serious question

Ariana Grande: Dangerous Woman

I had already deleted it from my media library by the time of the Manchester bombing, and considered giving it a bit of attention in some show of mawkish camaraderie, but I felt that highlighting how generic and uninspired the album was would feel somewhat out of place

Babyfather: BBF

This was a late exclusion. A very decent album, but too often murkied my mood. And merked my mood. Is that a thing?

BJ the Chicago Kid: In My Mind

Yeah, just forgot to count this one in the list. No massive lost, I’d guess it would have come about 74th, but Shine is a truly excellent song

Blossoms: Blossoms

Why bother, Alex? Are you ever going to like an indie band called fucking Blossoms??

Brian Eno: The Ship

Yes, I am most certainly insufferable enough to love Brian Eno, and I probably spent roughly 17 days and 8.4 hours listening to ‘The Ship’ and its 543 minute songs in 2016/17, but then late on realised I simply had no strong opinions on it

Bruno Mars: 24k Logic

Come on, Alex, you’re better than this

Case-Lang-Veirs: Case-Lang-Veirs

Have I spelled that correctly? I don’t even care enough to check. Are we only up to ‘C’??

Cass McCombs: Mangy Love

What is this? What am I doing to myself?

Cat le Bon: Crab Day

The Manics like her. I listened to the album six dozen times and still could think of nothing else to say about her

Charli XCX: Vroom Vroom EP

Don’t worry, Ms. XCX, I still love you and your chance will come

Cobalt: Slow Forever

Nope, no idea. Next

Cousin Stizz: MONDA

Who are you people?

Dexys Midnight Runners: Let the Record Show

I literally listened to 64 seconds of the opening track and thought ‘What the fuck am I doing?’

DJ Shadow: The Mountain Will Fall

One good song

Fat White Family: Songs for Our Mothers

I quite liked Whitest Boy on the Beach, being able to relate and all…

Future: Purple Reign

Right, OK, yeah? Remember that friggin’ name, I’ll come back to it at some point: an artist it’s impossible to keep up with (so, a very fitting album title. Well, was fiting… Too soon?)

Giggs: Landlord

I’ve been a fan of Giggsy ever since the remarkable Talkin’ Da Hardest but ever since I’ve quit drinking I’ve been very conscious of my everchanging moods, and once attributed a plummet in happiness down to listening to ‘Landlord’, so I jettisoned it

Gruff Rhys: Set Fore to the Stars OST

I still haven’t seen the film, I had, like, a thing I was planning to do in the write up, but ultimately I… couldn’t be arsed…

Hamilton Leithauser + Rostam: I Had a Dream That You Were Mine

One good song

Heron Oblivion: Heron Oblivion

Guitar rock: groan

Huerco S: For Those Of You Who Have Never (And Also Those Who Have)

…

…

…

Nice title…

…

…

…

Anyone?

Isaiah Rashford: The Sun’s Tirade

Quite good this one, a late omission

James Blake: The Colour in Everything

I listened to the album for a fair bit before thinking “Hang on… Who gives a shit?”

Jeff Rosenstock: Worry

Garage rock

Julia Jacklin: Don’t Let the Kids Win

Nice title! It’s probably country, which explains its absence

Kamaiyah: A Good Night in the Ghetto

I actually liked How Does it Feel to be Rich enough to make it the title theme of my second book (since unpublished)

Kane: Made in the Manor

One good song

Kendrick Lamarr: untitled unmastered

I really liked this album, but thought late in the day that I’d save my thoughts on Kenny for his 2017 album

Kevin Morby: Singing Saw

One good song

King: We Are King

It’s just too smooth, ya-nar?

Kodak Black: Lil B.I.G Pac

Nope. Next

Korn: The Serenity of Suffering

Yes, yes, I knoe, I freaking know, alright? I just thought I’d write a piece about how history may be kind to Korn and ajudge them to be far mopre artistically worthy than many of their brainless Nu-Metal contemporaries, but the album was fucking terrible so I scrapped the idea

Kvelark: Nattesferd

…

La Femme: Mystere

My computer’s just making names up now

Leonard Cohen: You want It Darker

One good song. My deepest sympathies

Lil Uzi Vert: Lil Uzi Vert vs the World

I really liked Canadian Goose and its chorus of ‘Ain’t nobody cool as us/Literally, I’m cold as fuck’

Lil Yachty: Lil Boat

Minnesota was one of the best songs of the year, and I wish I’d invested more time in the mixtape. I won’t make the same mistake with ‘Teenage Emotion’

M83: Junk

I actually paid real pounds sterling for this physical CD, and still couldn’t care enough to muster an opinion on it

Marie Cognitum: Lumiferous Archer

What are you…?

Margo Price: Midwest Farmer’s Daughter

Really, Alex, thought you’d like this album did you?

Martha: Blisters in the Pit of My Heart

Yeah, this is a good record, but I felt it was just treading ground that Abi Reimold was doing far better

Meat Loaf: Braver Than We Are

Honestly, I did try to love this big dumb record

Misty Miller: The Whole Family is Worried

A lot of great songs, just missed out

 

Moodyman: DJ Kicks

???

Nicholas Jaar: Sirens

Fuck, even writing this list is tiring me…

Oranssi Pazuru: Varahtelija

Alright, that’s it, I give up…

 

Final Thoughts, Future Plans

I invested a lot of my time, energy and emotions into the NE2016 top 117 (!!), and it sometimes plunges me into a vast well of psychological angst how few people have ever bothered to read it. However, I think I’ve found my style for future editions: utter insanity occasionally interjected with morbid confessions, and I plan to continue this into the near future.

Next year’s list will arrive relatively soon, it won’t be 117 albums, and will probably resemble a lot of other lists as I haven’t had the time to unearth a great deal of hidden gems, but I’m keen to catch up with the dreaded outside world. I plan to start the list soon after my immigration law exam in February, so that I’m fresh and ready for the new Manics album in April (yes, that is precisely how I measure my time)

 

Thanks to all six or seven of the people who read something I wrote this last few months, and I’ll see all of you soon. Remember, I’m a desperately lonely man so crave any small validation you can spare