OK, Christ, I’ll try and stay more on point for this one…

Swift’s Immodest Supposal*

“Love made me crazy If it doesn’t, you ain’t doin’ it right”

When did that become the accepted view? Why are we still selling the idea that ‘real’ love is supposed to be difficult? Can’t we have a few songs about how you met someone who also thought that ‘Nevermind’ was an overrated album and made you smile a noticeably increased amount of times? If ‘love’ is driving you crazy, it doesn’t prove that you’re ‘doing it right’, it proves that one or both of you is a little mentally unstable and absolutely not good for each other.

I’m going to break it down in a completely scientific and not in the least bit cynical way:

• Roughly 7% of the world will find a partner they really love, they’ll rarely have to fight through many difficulties and drama to be with each other, and they’ll spend the rest of their lives blissfully comfortable in each others presence. These people die happy, if they die at all
• 32% of the world will find a partner that they’ll eventually realise isn’t right for them at all, but unfortunately they’ll spend so long planning how best to leave the relationship and move on that before they realise it they’re married with three kids that they hate and share utility bills that would simply take too much effort to stop. These people die unhappy
• 23% of people find the person that’s perfect for them but still manage to mess it up, not because of ‘love’ being inherently difficult, but because the person is a bit of a dick and/or has unattended issues with drink/drugs/dabbing. They spend the rest of their life unsuccessfully attempting to find the exact copy of that person rather than moving on. These people die unhappy
• 18% of people keep switching partners, searching for an elusive perfect love that they’ve been sold through popular culture, and searching for a perfect relationship narrative they believe they’re owed. I’m not saying that there aren’t perfect men/women in the world, but there’s, like, seven (Beyonce, Juan Mata, Alex Palmer, Eric Cantona, Joann Zayir, Serena Williams and, of course, your Mum) so the chances of you bagging one are slim. I mean, there definitely are people who win a million pounds from scratch cards, but I wouldn’t plan your future around it. These people die unhappy
• 
• And, erm, 20% of people are just, like, really ugly, so they never find anyone. Nobody cares if these people die unhappy or not

 

Merry Christmas!

…I really need to get these lists out in time…

Y’know, like ‘Face/Off’, but for songs, yeah? Shut up, it makes perfect sense

D.R.A.M: Cute vs Taylor Swift: Gorgeous

My photo editing is on point this/last year, isn’t it?

D.R.A.M thinks you’re ‘cute’, Taylor thinks you’re ‘gorgeous’, but which endorsement of physical attraction is better? There’s only one way to find out: DATED HARRY HILL REFERENCE!!!!

Cute is an absolutely brilliant song, sweeter than a three peace suite**, and actually scientifically proven to be the 83rd best song of last year, but I think Taylor has created a mini pop masterpiece with Gorgeous: capturing both the majesty of admiring immaculate beauty and the bizarre anger that comes with the strauggle to comprehend how they might be out of your league.

Also, in today’s climate, it’s a bit less creepy coming from a woman, isn’t it?

Taylor Wins +5

“My reputation’s never been worse, so/You must like me for me”

Now, Taylor… Yes, please come in, sit down. Now, Taylor, this is a seriously worrying lyric: you seem to be saying that because your ‘reputation’*** is so bad this person showing an interest in you must obviously be because of some deeper connection. This, to me, a trained amateur psychologist, suggests a dangerously low self-esteem, a self-image worryingly tied up with how you are viewed by the outside world, and betrays this bizarre fear that your every move is analysed and broken down by obsessive fans! I’m afraid I’ve got to dock -3 points for that

Score:

Album Length: 52 minutes (-6)

Very Good Songs: 8 (+16)

Brilliant Songs: 4 (+20)

AMAZING Songs: 1 (+10)

% of Album Worthwhile: +92.8571429

Cover:

How on Earth do you create a cover with the name ‘Taylor Swift’ repeated 3’680’986 times and not sneak a ‘poo’ or a ‘bum cheeks’ in there? Do people have no respects for Easter Eggs? Yes, I checked. I really like her shirt though

+1

Previous Entries: 2014 No.24

Total: 135.857143

https://store.taylorswift.com/

 

*I’ve decided that pun makes sense. If you don’t understand it’s not my problem

** Bollocks, that’s a brilliant pun when spoken out loud…

***The word ‘reputation’ is used roughly every three seconds. i should have really made a video of me counting that instead of… sigh… You’ll see…