42 Alicia Keys: HERE

Don’t you hate it when people ask you what ‘kind of music’ you like?

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It’s awful to think that some people (most people??) only like a certain genre or style, which the question covertly supports

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HERE

Be very wary of people who quickly answer the question with a definitive variety of music, increasing your wariness exponentially the more specific the genre they name. If they say they like ‘dance’, ‘classical’ or ‘indie’ music, then they are merely extremely boring people who only really interact with music when they want to escape all ties to consciousness, relax in their study while planning further expansions of their plantation, or just want to really magnify their dullness, respectively

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However, if they get more detailed, and say they only like metal music made by Brummies without the full collection of fingers, or rock music containing no more than three chords made by two men in denim jackets with mullets, or by a band from Glastonbury with a strongly simian frontman singing songs about touching things, then they’re absolutely thinking of a specific artist and a specific time when they first heard their music and are cursed to spend the rest of their life searching in vain for that specific moment in their life when they were last happy

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Continue reading “42 Alicia Keys: HERE”

44 MIA: AIM

Oh! It’s MIA backwards! I’ve literally only just got that

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oral

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Hey ladies, hey fellas (you know you’re doing good because they’re jealous)

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I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news: Mildred Ingrid Addison, whom you all may know as MIA, once one of the most exciting, ingenious, influential and visionary artists making music, is now around 86% ridiculous

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49 Jamila Woods: Heavn

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I am a tiny little bit racist, and believe most white people are

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I’m not consciously racist: I don’t go on 4Chan message boards and eulogise how James Bond could never be played by Idris Elba because black people are genetically poor at espionage; I don’t complain about ‘multiculturalism gone mad’ because in the new Sainsbury’s advert there’s a 0.6 second shot of a brown person; I don’t vote Conservative; after the pub’s last orders me and my equally pathetic and ugly white friends don’t chase down people of different ethnicities and beat them to death in a failed attempt to compensate for the gigantic hole in my existence where self-worth and happiness is supposed to go. These people put a lot of work into their racism and we should respect them for that: they’re the real heroes

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dyslexican

Dat not how you spell heavan!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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50 Solange: A Seat at the Table

Top 50! This is almost a normal list!

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Firstly, Pitchfork- that self-congratulating vomitorium that regards itself biblical text for hipster edgelords*- naming ‘A Seat at the Table’ as 2016’s best album is absolute bullshit

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Not ‘in my opinion’ this or ‘controversial choice’ that, actual inarguable and scientifically objective bullshit

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They realised that Solly’s sister Be-Be

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was going to land high on many critics’ lists, so decided to swerve everyone with a hot take

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