42 Alicia Keys: HERE

Don’t you hate it when people ask you what ‘kind of music’ you like?

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It’s awful to think that some people (most people??) only like a certain genre or style, which the question covertly supports

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HERE

Be very wary of people who quickly answer the question with a definitive variety of music, increasing your wariness exponentially the more specific the genre they name. If they say they like ‘dance’, ‘classical’ or ‘indie’ music, then they are merely extremely boring people who only really interact with music when they want to escape all ties to consciousness, relax in their study while planning further expansions of their plantation, or just want to really magnify their dullness, respectively

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However, if they get more detailed, and say they only like metal music made by Brummies without the full collection of fingers, or rock music containing no more than three chords made by two men in denim jackets with mullets, or by a band from Glastonbury with a strongly simian frontman singing songs about touching things, then they’re absolutely thinking of a specific artist and a specific time when they first heard their music and are cursed to spend the rest of their life searching in vain for that specific moment in their life when they were last happy

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49 Jamila Woods: Heavn

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I am a tiny little bit racist, and believe most white people are

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I’m not consciously racist: I don’t go on 4Chan message boards and eulogise how James Bond could never be played by Idris Elba because black people are genetically poor at espionage; I don’t complain about ‘multiculturalism gone mad’ because in the new Sainsbury’s advert there’s a 0.6 second shot of a brown person; I don’t vote Conservative; after the pub’s last orders me and my equally pathetic and ugly white friends don’t chase down people of different ethnicities and beat them to death in a failed attempt to compensate for the gigantic hole in my existence where self-worth and happiness is supposed to go. These people put a lot of work into their racism and we should respect them for that: they’re the real heroes

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dyslexican

Dat not how you spell heavan!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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55 D.D Dumbo: Utopia Defeated

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That film was sixty four minutes long. Sixty four minutes!!

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Back in 1941, film makers knew how long a film was meant to last, there was no scene in ‘Dumbo’ where Timothy Q.Mouse had a bath in a fucking magic pool and screamed as he was tortured visions of the Olsen twins exploded into magical CGI confetti as Robert Downey Jnr made some tortured pun about cheese or some shit, in order to expand on the Dumbo Cinematic Universe (DCU®). Boom, there’s your fucking film, now fuck off home. Life was great in 1941

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56 Maxwell: blackSUMMERS’night

Francis Fukuyama argued in his 1989 essay ‘The End of History’ that the fall of the Berlin Wall represented the final stand of any opposition to Western liberal democracy, and that the human race had finally found its final form, and so this was the….

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edge of antiquity

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And he was right, as you know, seeing as literally nothing has happened anywhere in the world since November 9th 1989. It can be a little boring sometimes, turning onto the Ten O’Clock news only to watch Huw Edwards awkwardly shrug his shoulders for 30 minutes, but it’s still nice that all conflict is finished and the world is finally agreed on everything

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62 Run the Jewels: RTJ3

I think it’s fair to say that I’ve never quite been swept up by the Runny Jews freight wagon

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Perhaps it’s because they’ve made a habit of releasing their albums late in the year, leaving me next to no time to properly consider them for the year end Necessary Evil. This logically titled (beautifully so +2) third effort came out on Christmas day 2016, which would render any selection in the 2016 list near impossible under normal circumstances

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Hmmmm, though it would qualify for the 2017 list under old rules though… and be one of the most listened to albums due to its early release…

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