That film was sixty four minutes long. Sixty four minutes!!
+6
Back in 1941, film makers knew how long a film was meant to last, there was no scene in ‘Dumbo’ where Timothy Q.Mouse had a bath in a fucking magic pool and screamed as he was tortured visions of the Olsen twins exploded into magical CGI confetti as Robert Downey Jnr made some tortured pun about cheese or some shit, in order to expand on the Dumbo Cinematic Universe (DCU®). Boom, there’s your fucking film, now fuck off home. Life was great in 1941
+12
‘Titanic’ was the big turning point: it made approximately all the money that existed in the world despite being roughly 12 weeks long, and because movie producers are really dumb they attributed its success to its unforgiving length
rather than down to it being one of the greatest stupid movies ever and people really liking stupid movies by virtue of them being extremely stupid. So since 1997 at least 150 minutes has been considered the bare minimum the public will consider acceptable from a blockbuster film
-1
It doesn’t even make financial sense: if the next gritty superhero reboot, possibly the Bananaman franchise starter we’ve all been waiting for, was just Jason Stathan in a banana suit punching a succession of foreign looking baddies for 8 minutes, you’d be able to show it 17.625 times in the time it takes for a cinema to show the bloated headache shaker ‘Age of Ultron’, which I’ve calculated would lead to a box office take of nearly twenty five billion!!
+12
I mean, that’s more than the GDP of…
Uganda!
+1
…
Really?
Uganda?
That’s it?
I seriously thought it’d be a bigger country than that. It hardly seems worth the effort really
You might have noticed that I don’t have much to say about ‘Utopia Defended’. It’s a gorgeous collection of poppy indie, sung by a guy who thankfully doesn’t consider Jeff Buckley a dated reference point
+13
It’s fabulous pop that’s just bizarre enough to win
6 Prince Points
Metacritic: +80
Length: 37 minutes +9
Best Lyric: ‘You can taste the dishonesty/It’s all over your breath as you pass it off so cavalier/But even that’s a test’ +1
Number of AMAZING songs: 1 (+10)
…But Are All the Rest of the Songs Kinda Amazing Anyway? Yes (+50)
Is the last song just the first track but played on Ukulele? No -1
Total 221
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