58 Mystery Jets: Curve of the Earth

You wanna hear about a real ‘mystery jet’?


I’ll tell you about a real ‘mystery jet’!


The bloody jet that flew into the Pentagon! That was a ‘mystery jet’ because it never even existed, yeah? It was a missile! Fired by the US government in order to garner approval for a war against Afghanistan in order to build a pipe through there. A pipeline that was always going to start being built in June 2019, so of course you haven’t seen it yet, you fucking idiot!



Don’t believe me? Dick Cheney’s office at the Pentagon was on the other side of the building! George W Bush’s office was in a completely different building entirely, while Tony Blair’s office was in another freaking country! Hmmmm, what a convenient set of coincidences! Coincidences like that don’t just happen! The world isn’t a strange and random place that I struggle to get my head around!


Or, yeah, or it was a ‘mystery jet’ because it wasn’t flown by Islamic terrorists, but by robots, and all the missing passengers were parachuted off the aeroplane and given different identities or assasinated in order to garner approval for a war to bolster George W’s flailing approval rating


Or the passengers never existed. Yeah, probably that one. Or the second one



Or there was never an explosion at the pentagon at all! Look at this picture, see any evidence of a jet crashing into it?? Probably not! I didn’t look too closely as I’m busy writing this, and I’ve actually no idea when that picture was taken or if it’s showing the area the ‘mystery jet’ supposedly flew into, but doesn’t that prove all of my contradictory theories?


<shouldn’t you put a picture of lampshading here?- Ed > What?! No! I wasn’t just using the language of a conspiracy theorist to try and get cheap jokes using their viewpoint but making no comment on the language! I was clearly making a clever and witty point about people believing any contradicting theory, as long as it was against the official one, proving they deal in rhetoric rather than facts! <Christ, you literally first heard about the term ‘lampshading’ *after* you started writing this list, and suddenly you’re an expert? And I thought you were going to stop interacting with me to make sure the conceit isn’t destroyed?- Ed> I’m not interacting with you, I just happen to be successfully predicting what your responses to my text will be <Your story checks out, carry on- Ed>


mystery j.jpg

1985 explodes into a guitar solo worth at least

9 Guns ‘n’ Roses Points


It’s hard to be unbiased about Mystery Jets, so it’s a good job that this is an empirical and mathematical list with no basing in my personal opinions


They’ve long been a band I’ve had great affection for, and have always had a massive charm about them: the singer’s Dad used to be in the band; my wife and I used to chant ‘poo time’ to the tune of the band’s Zoo Time whenever we need the toilet; and before I saw them live at Norwich’s Waterfront I had not idea that the singer suffered from spina bifida, so the band’s refusal to play on that narrative won them a lot of respect in my eyes


‘Curve of the Earth’ is very good, perhaps a little unremarkable and probably not deserving a place higher than some of the albums we’ve past, but the world is roughly 0.043% a better place because of the band’s existence, and ‘Curve…’ provides more than enough justification for it



Metacritic: +73

Length: 48 minutes -2

Number of AMAZING songs: 0

Yeah, But Does, Like, the Album Have a General Sheen of Brilliance? Yes (+50)

Is the last song just the first track but played on Ukulele? No -1

Total 205


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