61 Frankie Cosmos: Next Best Thing

this list is fucked.jpg

Bollocks, the Mitski album is so much better than this, and doesn’t even sound that similar, it’s just another record made by a human with a guitar and no implied penis


Roughly 50% of the world has an implied penis, and I’d say at least 65% of the artists included on this list have an implied penis, as the gender balance is unfortunately way off. But how many people do you know who have an obvious penis? Like, how many of your friends unarguably have a penis? Count them all in your head now, count all of your friends who you could swear to in court of possessing a penis. Not that many, is it?


Where the fuck was I going with that?





Is that it? The dog songs? Because Mitski’s album had a canine musing too? Am I that simple?




(after I took that photo I spent a good phew seconds trying to find my glasses, as I usually take them off to avoid screen glare)


It seems that many of the best songs on Mitski’s record I’d falsely attributed to Franny-Co, and much of the less effective indie wiffles on this album I’d blamed on Mits, leading to this record being listed ever so slightly too high and Mit Romney’s record getting a way lower placing than it deserves


It doesn’t matter though, does it?


I mean, nothing in life truly matters in any real sense, and literally every single thing you do or have ever done is just some laughable attempt to subconsciously avert your tiny brain from over-contemplating the fact that you are rapidly careering towards the death of a life that has achieved no mark on the wider world, a world that in turn has had near zero effect on the wider scope of cosmological reality


But specifically in this case I mean the actual listings don’t matter. All of these albums are worth a listen, as you are a human being with your own stupid opinions that very rarely bear any resemblance to- nor approval from- facts


frankie C.jpg

Take your own opinion out for a joyride sometime, listen to all of these albums and discover which ones you love, listen to albums that aren’t on this list! Maybe some of the albums won’t sound great on first listen, in which case just disregard it: if it takes any effort to appreciate it’s not worth your time. This is art: you should only listen to your gut


Avoid listening to music that’s more than a decade old- preferably less than a handful of years- and never listen to music that was released before you were born: you should be attempting to build new cultural touchstones not merely pandering to nostalgia, and definitely not latching onto defunct propaganda


As Matt Busby and Led Zeppelin said: if they’re good enough, they’re old enough





I was going to say Gary Glitter, but that seemed to make an already nasty and distasteful ‘joke’ just that little too objectionable, so I decided to continue one of Necessary Evil 2016’s themes of emphasising the leisure pursuits of ‘The Zep


Fanny Coo’s album may be slight and a little lacking in any real sense of ‘wow’, and between 2 and 15 of the tracks are essentially the same song depending on how generous you feel, but it’s uncommonly charming, and perhaps poked the correct buttons in my heart/penis because it acts as a more than suitable placeholder until the next Waxahatchee album is released





i might be wrong

No ‘might’ about it, Mitski may be due compensation <you could always just change it- Ed> Yeah, but that’s, like, so much effort, y’know? <wait, so you can interact with me now?-Ed> Of course I can, why on Earth would I not be able to? <because I’m supposed to represent your editor reading this piece after it’s been submitted for publishing, supposedly long after you’ve finished writing, if you respond to my notes it breaks the illusion and betrays the fact that we’re both actually being written in sync- Ed> Bollocks, good point, I am nothing if not committed to my gimmick, I shall ignore you from this point onward <delete all this- Ed>


Metacritic: +78

Dang it, just as we enter Flavour Country too

Length: 28 minutes +18

Oh! Oh! I forgot to mention that! It was going to be a central part of my review but instead I decided to accuse Led Zepellin of paedophilia again whilst flagrantly dallying in meta genius like the post-modern literal savant that I am, but the brisk length of the songs on Fra-Co’s debut really satisfied me. There are nine songs- proper songs, like, not skits where Frankie argues with Tyler, the Creator over the price of a McFlurrie- that are satisfyingly wrapped up in less than two minutes, and I feel I should pay respect to that


Is the last song just the first track but played on Ukulele? No -1

Total 202


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