91 Gucci Mane: Everybody Looking
Tag: albums
93 Angel Olsen: My Woman
Wait…
So there’s the Olsen Twins, yeah? And there’s that one in the ‘Avengers’ film with the magic ability to do absolute anything that the plot requires at that moment, and now there’s Angel Olsen, so how many of them are there in total? Is it four different Olsen’s? Or is there actually just one Olsen, and our belief that there are more is a shadowy conspiracy by the Illuminati/Jews to hide Barack Hussein Obama’s real birthplace in order to pretend that Tupac is dead?
+3
94 Noname: Telefone
Jesus, this incredible album is only 94th?? Another reason why
98 Garbage: Strange Little Birds
OK, this has really pissed me off: look at the cover of their debut album:
Now look at the cover of ‘Wee Dirty Birdies’:
Nice symmetry, no?
+3
102 Kaytranada: 99.9%
Maybe I’m part of the 0.1%
but there’s something strangely unfulfilling about Kay-Kay’s debut album ‘proper’
-2
(by ‘debut album proper’ I of course mean that every release thus far by the disgustingly young Quebecer has been scandalously improper)
+3
You might perhaps put this down to individual tastes, but if you look at the subjective, scientifically verified scores the album gets, then it just so happens that my own opinion happens to chime with verifiable fact on this occasion
+5
Every song on ‘99.9%’ is at the very least extremely good, and the general sound is so velvet smooth that I actually spend most of my evenings gently rubbing it against my genitals to best experience its soft goodness
+3
But, perhaps, therein lies the main problem: the album is just far too smooth, too silky sounding, too perfect
-12
It’s a technical wonder, and chiselled down to a perfect sphere of gorgeous sound, but in its search for absolute integrity has left it sounding ever so featureless and non-distinct, when I feel the truly great albums risk more ridicule and benefit greatly from their jeopardy when it comes off
-5
Adventures in sonics always get you
7 Prince Points
‘99.9%’ is a great album, but it was always going to be a great album, and never seems to have the bravery to strive for the next level
-3
Metacritic: +81
Ah, come on now….
Length 59 minutes –13
Best Lyric: ‘Me and my ladies sip my D’USSÉ cup/I don’t give a fuck, chucking my deuces up/Suck on my balls, pause, I had enough’ +1
Is the last song just the first track but played on Ukulele? No -1
Total 69
Pics stolen from:
https://www.residentadvisor.net/reviews/18996
103 Lady Gaga: Joanne
The Ga has managed to avoid me thus far. When she first arrived and was at her successful and cultural highpoint, I was in my mid 20s and so obviously far too cool to really like her, and she was just far too big a deal to like ironically, as my overwhelming snarky self-satisfaction would have been lost in the midst of all those pathetic genuine fans
-4
Plus…
…
…
…she was a bit crap, wasn’t she? I mean, come on
-13
She was an absolutely brilliant pop star, exhibiting shades of both Bowie’s artistic mindedness and Prince’s
delight in using both sexuality and fashion to subvert and offend, and the world needs pop stars who are willing to shock the order by stroking their genitals across the dead body of Kermit the Frog while projectile vomiting raw meet <I can’t find the incident to which you are referring, can you please clarify?- Ed>
+5
Oh, and for prior services to fashion Googoo gets
8 Prince Points
But, yeah, songs like the dull electronica of Poker Face or the shameless pandering of Born This way were always several shades less interesting and experimental than the person from whence they came
-3
So, maybe I’m too late, and the Gagoo I discover is producing significantly better music, but the terms of the agreement she made with God unfortunately means she is now about 12.5% as interesting as she used to be
-9
That atrocious lyric is slightly redeemed by the chorus though, which is the inaugural recipient of my
award, which awards a singer finding new and exciting way to work their mouth around a lyric:
Metacritic: +67
Length 45 minutes +1
Number of AMAZING songs: 1 (+10)
Best Lyric: ‘She’s stacking money, money everywhere she goes/You know, pesos out of Mexico/De uno, commas and them decimals/She don’t gotta give it up, she professional’ +1
Is the last song just the first track but played on Ukulele? No -1
Total 66
Images stolen from:
http://gagadaily.com/forums/topic/243627-has-gaga-ever-lip-synced/
http://www.animalplanet.com/pets/healthy-pets/what-does-it-mean-when-your-cat-licks-you/
http://www.wwe.com/superstars/razor-ramon/razor-ramon-photos#fid-26074025
http://gagadaily.com/forums/topic/201964-joanne-album-cover-meltdowns-go-in-here/?page=3
104 Kings of Leon: Walls
I used to really like listening to Kings of Leon
+1
Like, the same way I used to really like sticking my finger up my bum while watching He Man
+2
Not that I’m ashamed of it, when you’re in your late teens and haven’t yet been convinced of the relentless struggle life’s macabre torture show in fact is, you should never regret anything that helped you confirm the exciting potential of your very existence, and if all of your university friends are doing it, why not join in to strengthen bonds that will last as long as eight months?
+4
Oh, and I don’t regret loving Kings of Leon either, as their second and third albums still stand up as absolute masterpieces
+2
No, that joke didn’t scan at all, did it?
-10
All the cool kids reading this blog for top tips on how to retain their Hilary Swank and remain Snapchatting with Zoella’s Hippie Peppa Pig Crack
might not remember, but people of my decrepit and shameful age- with diminishing relevance and puss ravaged and peeling genitals that have long been solely used for decoration purposes- will remember where they were when Huw Edwards revealed on News at Ten that The Koln’s second album ‘Because of the Times’ had beaten ‘In Rainbows’ to be named the Necessary Evil album of 2007
+1
Unfortunately, the band caught a debilitating infection on their next album, possibly by dangerously close proximity to the crippling Bonovirus of Southern Ireland (though mainly inhabiting the Cayman Islands for tax reasons), that not only sadly convinces bands that would they like to be U2, but that being a band as creatively bankrupt and morally repugnant as U2 is at all worth being
-8
The inescapable Sex On Fire wasn’t the end, as though the song didn’t include an original bone in its venereal body, it still proved that The Ki-Kis were one of the world’s best at crafting brilliant dumb rock songs
+3
The real rot set in with Lose Somebody, where the band discovered the echo pedal, and resolved to never leave any note un everberated ever again
-8
Is an echo pedal a thing? It feels like it should be
+1
‘Walls’walls wouldwould lastlast tenten minutesminutes ifif everyevery soddingsodding notenote finishedfinished whenwhen itit waswas supposedsupposed toto
-12
It’s really ridiculous how much of ‘Walls’ is handed over to echoey stadium mid-pace quasi-ballads, and it would be sad if your takeaway from the record was that the band would never write a rock song as thrillingly raw as Black Thumbnail ever again…
-5
You don’t feel that though, as nestled halfway through the record is Find Me, which is shamelessly conspicuous over how cynically it attempts to tick all the boxes to make a brainless stadium rock classic, and it’s embarrassing how well it works. I’ll go into further detail once I inform you what the year’s best tracks are
but you’d have to put both your shoes on and take a shower, as it’ll be a long walk if you want to find a better example of a perfect pop rock song
+8
I mean, that bit where the musical backing falls away and the riff is played clean for a single bar- ooooooooooooooooooah!!! Has to be
10 Guns n Roses Points
But, yeah,
obviously
I think I forgot to take points off last time I did that…
Oh, and I don’t feel that Bobby Follywobbles <that spelling doesn’t look right, can you check it?- Ed> gets enough credit as a frontman: I love his voice. That is all
+1
Metacritic: +62
Yep, sounds about right
Number of AMAZING songs: 1 +10
Length 42 minutes +4
Best Lyric: ‘And we rode motorcycles/Blackjack, classic vinyl’
Is the last song just the first track but played on Ukulele? No -1
Total 63
Pics stolen from:
https://alchetron.com/Peter-Griffin-4098114-W
http://theresurgent.com/this-is-bono-bono-is-humble-about-politics-be-like-bono/
http://www.rollingstone.com/music/albumreviews/review-kings-of-leon-walls-w444792
https://www.carid.com/seibon-carbon/seibon-carbon-fiber-rear-spoiler-237417791.html
105 Anna Meredith: Varmits
‘Varmits’ often threatens to be United Nations certified incredible at times
+9
When 安娜 concentrates on solely producing fantastically abrasive and inexpressibly weird dance music, the results are some of the year’s best electronica
+7
The Merry-Dith manages to present bizarrely home crafted and low budget sounding music that at times strikes me as the greatest- and maybe,even the first- ‘lo-fi’ dance album ever made
+5
‘Varmits’ is at its best a brilliantly odd album, which pulls of the holy grail of all artistic tricks: being at once little unlike anything else out there and yet so rarely unlistenable
+6
‘Rarely‘ unlistenable, because unfortunately when Anna Meredith sees fit to base a track around vocals the dreaded knitted shark tea cosy is jumped, and what was once thrillingly different instead threatens to sound horribly twee
-32
It reminded me of the ‘Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2’, where it was revealed that Leatherface’s half-brother was Postman Pat. It didn’t ruin the film by any means, Michael Cera was perfectly cast and Postman Pat was only in a handful of scenes, but it kinda delegitimised the creepiness of the whole franchise somehow
-33
However, Wor’ Annie still manages to craft superbly layered pop songs from seemingly minute resources, which is worth a good
6 Prince Points
Metacritic: 84
Length 47 minutes -1
Is the last song just the first track but played on Ukulele? No -1
Total 60
Images stolen from:
https://annahmeredith.bandcamp.com/album/varmints
https://www.loveknitting.com/shark-tea-cosy-knitting-pattern-by-teacosyfolk?country=GB
106 Lambchop: Flotus
Erm… I mean… Yeah, go for it…
+3
In the sometimes murky waters of the markedly less fabulous albums of 2016 in which we have been of late wading in, I have often complained that what it is that causes these records to split their foreheads open on the glass dome preventing them from gaining access to the land of the truly magnificent is that far too often they feel like they’re making compromises and blunting their edges in an attempt to ensure wider appeal, so it’s only right that I praise Lambchop (love that name +1) for making an album that spectacularly refuses to conform to expectations, and strives to please absolutely nobody, save the landlord at their recording studio, who is delighted that the recording of ‘Flotus’ (love that name +1) was much quieter than usual
+4
That was a fucking mega sentence, wasn’t it?
+5
Such lengthened grammatical structure is extremely apt, because I am a certified genius, as it references the fact that La-La have no issue with spending as long as eighteen minutes over a track, because they get paid to make music now, so fuck all of y’all, they’ll do what they freaking want
+2
Radiohead would kill to have the balls to make a record as unyieldingly inaccessible as this…
+1
Experiential dirge seemingly for the hell of it? At least
8 Prince Points
However, the hour long slap across accessibility’s face with a wet fish of artistic inflexibility is far easier to admire than actually like
-20
Much like my daughter’s husband Albert: I mean, I really appreciate how much money he’s made of by designing a cold-water filtering system which eliminates 2.7% of all office shredder waste, but sweet Jesus is he boring!! Yes, Albert, you told me last time how you saved 34p by buying your chalkboard and chalk at two separate retailers, I really think you should look into investing in a new anecdote, especially because most people you know would have heard it in your wedding speech. I sometimes wish she’d get back with Darren. Yeah, I know, he used to tie up her in the cellar and burn her with his crack pipe, and had that weird sexual fetish about Nazi prison guards that I kept insisting to him was not appropriate after dinner conversation, no matter whose Bar Mitzvah it was, but at least he was fun! And he did a hilarious impression of a Polish person trying to order seafood, which definitely wasn’t racist because he said he had a friend at work who was black
-8
I initially just planned to describe Darren’s enjoyment of crack pipe torture, but because of how the drug crack can conjure up unwarranted and unnecessary racial stereotypes , and the fact that I’m a Social Justice Snowflake Cluck, I decided to add the Max Mosley Third Reich fetish to muddy the assumptions a bit. Since you ask, Darren was actually white, not that it makes a difference. Funnily enough Albert is black, which makes his dullness all the more surprising, as you’d think he’d break out into a breakdance or a gangsta rap at some point
‘Flotus’ is a lovely album in theory, but in content…
…
…
well, there isn’t really any content. I listened closely last time it politely dribbled out of my speakers and this is the entire timeline of its 68 minutes:
03:31 Has it…? I think… Yeah, it’s started
15:56 The band accept that Mike isn’t going to turn up, and decide to see what the buttons on the keyboard do
26:02 The pianist clears his throat, the rest of the band stop playing as they await his announcement
27:23 No, he wasn’t requesting their attention, he just had a bit of a dry throat
34:21 In the background, you can hear the producer enquiring whether anyone wants any tea
34:23 H-ho! A bit of a beat!
34:25 Wait, no, it was just the lead singer nodding his head, you could hear his beard scratch against his chest
48:43 Do Lambchop have beards? I feel like they do, or at least should have. Well, if they didn’t have beards when this record started…
53:51 Yeah, I can definitely hear a lot of beards now
73:43 Nice!!
74:23 No, my mistake, I really liked the sound of that but it turns out it was just a boy outside throwing a plant pot at a squirrel
85:21 That squirrel isn’t moving…
92:45 Should I call RSPA or…?
104:34 Nah, it’s fine…
134:04 Oh! It’s picking up a bit now!!
165:32 No, wait…
184: 45 I think it’s finished
-15
I joke! I joke! Hey, Lambchop, you’re alright! There are some great songs on ‘Flotus’, Writer and Niv especially, and kudos for seeing nothing wrong with ending the album with a eighteen minutes of barely distinct synth that occasionally implores us to ‘do the Hustle’
+6
Hang on… are they taking the piss…?
-6
Metacritic:
If they are, it’s a remarkably successful troll
+83
Length 63 minutes
but… yeah, whatever…
-17
Best Lyric: ‘Daddy made me fight, it wasn’t always right/But he said, “Girl, it’s your second amendment” +1
Is the last song just the first track but played on Ukelele? No -1
Total 55
Images stolen from:
http://www.bethrooney.com/reportage/behind-the-curtain/circus-first-001
http://www.mojo4music.com/artist/radiohead/
http://apctc.com/business-of-coaching-vodcasts/abundant-coach-vodcast/
107 Sleigh Bells: Jessica Rabbit
Capturing lightning in a bottle is difficult enough to do in the first place
-3
I mean, how would you even go about doing that? Are you climbing trees in a thunderstorm with an empty jam jar with a magnet inside?
-3
Perhaps more difficult though, is perfectly capturing frogs in a box
-2
A box full of frogs sounds insane to the uneducated ear, yet if done right such madness can be absolutely exquisite. Already on this list Childish Gambino has attempted the first frog boxing of this career but fell short of majesty and Primal Scream have tried and failed to recapture the glorious frog boxing that they stumbled upon with their glorious ‘Xtrmntr’ album, an album that’s a perfect example of how fantastic capturing frogs in boxes can sound when it is done right
+4
Such success is extremely rare, which makes the fact that The Sleighbos managed to achieve it on their debut album ‘Treats’
in 2010, an astonishing album of which the inclusion of Rill Rill on some recent advert for bubble gum tampons, or some shit, has provided near constant recent reminders of its genius
+3
I used to be dead against artists selling money for adverts, because that’s the opinion you’re supposed to have, until a friend pointed out that if I had ever illegally downloaded an album then I had absolutely no right to complain. I quickly realised that I had succumbed to the horrible Millenial idea that everything should be provided to me without me exerting any effort or money and that artist should produce work solely for the privilege of pleasing my fat ugly ginger self, and felt ashamed
The fact that I parted with ten pounds of my heard earned Employment and Support Allowance for Sleigh-Sleigh’s
fourth album <you said that with such confidence, is it actually true??- Ed> such a crushing disappointment
-3
It definitely resembles Him enough to win
5 Prince Points,
but unfortunately it sounds more like the stuff He came out with in the mid-90s by when insanely prolific recording and releasing had left Him closer to artistically spent
It’s far from a bad album, and has more fabulous songs than many releases (cough) this year, but the glorious insanity that once came naturally to them now sounds contrived and forced. The production can’t decide if it’s a dance album or 80s rock pastiche, and many songs are almost turned legitimately bad by the horrendous idea to add crunching rock guitar riffs to their unbroken sound, which strikes me as a last minute addition to the record and may well be the worst decision of 2016
-16
Metacritic: +72
Length 43 minutes… +3
Best Lyric: ‘Big homie better grow up/Me and my whoadies ’bout to stroll up/I see them boppers in the corner/They sneaking out the back door’ +1
Is the last song just the first track but played on Ukelele? No -1
Total 53
images stolen from:
https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/jessica-rabbit/id1147786245
http://www.npr.org/artists/126668015/sleigh-bells
http://www.npr.org/artists/126668015/sleigh-bells
https://www.mnn.com/lifestyle/arts-culture/stories/how-photograph-lightning-summer
Necessary Evil 