113 Black Mountain: IV

 

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Guitars: we done with them, aren’t we?

-5

I mean, sure, if it’s the middle ages- or whatever time The Beatles and The Who were knobbing about- and superior instruments haven’t been invented yet, then by all means strum your Cs and your Ds and your G minors while bobbing your head like a dick, but in 2016 I feel like we should be past the kind of music that B-Mount serve up

-8

I mean, I imagine Bla-Mo are those weird people you meet that are really into Led Zeppelin, which is, y’know, fine, but tacit approval of kidnapping underage girls to keep as your sex slave and becoming one of the biggest bands in the world by shamelessly pilfering the music of black Americans, and call me old fashioned but I just can’t get behind that

-7

Bee-Mo know their way around a riff though, and even though ‘IV’ has no interest in any musical evolution post 1972 it’s undeniably stirring in places

+5

The fortnight long guitar solos have to be worth at least

6 Guns n Roses Points

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It’s their fourth album, they’ve named it ‘IV’. This is how it should be

+1

While Blacky-Mon undeniably rock hard, the lack of humour is sometimes tiring, ‘IV’ isn’t just po-faced in places, it’s Tinky Winky, Dipsy, La-La and Po-faced

-8

That line made a lot more sense in my head

-7

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No, no, no, it’s, like, a portmanteau of China and tune, yeah? So, though it may look like…

Hey, I don’t need to explain my genius to you twats, go and suck a dick full of eggs.

I love a good long song. And opening track Mothers of the Sun is the best track on the album by some distance, justifying every millisecond of its 8:34 run time

+8

…however, as the album chugs on they also demonstrate how not to do it, with two further 8 minute plus songs offering little but tears of painful boredom as the guitars chug along endlessly

-10

Metacritic: +75

Length 56 minutes,

which surprised me, as trust me when I say it feels a lot longer

-10

Best Lyric: ‘I smell your secrets, and I’m not too perfect To ever feel this worthless’            +1

Is the last song just the first track but played on Ukulele? No -1

Total 39

Images stolen from:

https://blackmountain.bandcamp.com/album/iv

https://www.bbc.co.uk/cbeebies/shows/teletubbies

 

114 Trentemøller: Fixion

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After I had climbed the sacred tree of Conceit and blew my throbbing trumpet of self-satisfaction four times into the western wind to alert all the musicians within earshot of the upcoming end of year list, as is tradition, I was aware that I’d already left it shamefully late, and had in my hands far too many albums to consider, painfully slicing the skin between my fingers as they sifted through, creating a ghastly red porridge as it mixed with the endless tears I could not help but shed, and so started my brutal cull.

+1

Sure, the top 117 albums may seem already excessive to your untrained and- if we’re being honest- unacceptably ugly eyes, but that was a number only reached after the ‘Night of the Long Knives’, where I ruthlessly ejected any album I felt was either too average or that I simply couldn’t even imagine voicing a coherent opinion on.

+1

This was made the more difficult by the Long Knives I decided to use on the ‘Night of the Long Knives’ being altogether far too long: I had trouble getting them in through the door, never mind swinging them sufficiently. In Necessary Evil 2017 (which I promise will arrive before the Qatar World Cup and only cause half as many migrant worker deaths) I have decided to instead hold a ‘Night of the Appropriate Length Knives’ if I conduct a similar exercise

+1

Mø-Mø seem to have slipped through the cracks though: this is an absolutely fine album, if disappointingly inferior to its predecessor

-10

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The opening track is the best one…

+1

See? Nothing

-20

Metacritic: +66

Length 56 minutes,

and by the end you’ll have forgotten every single one. Mind you, soon we’ll all be dead, and have forgotten everything, so this album is no less depressingly pointless than the reality that contains it

-10

Best Lyric: ‘Are you aware you’re my lifeline/Are you tryna kill me?’ +1

Is the last song just the first track but played on Ukulele? No -1

Total 29

Christ, that opening track’s really good. I may have been too harsh on this album…

115 Childish Gambino: Awaken My Love

I don’t… But… It’s… But… If it’s… I think…

+1

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I know people like you fear change, which is why you still listen to exactly the same music you did when you were 15 so you can pretend that you never got fat and ugly, but I welcome it: I change my underpants more than three times a month on average and I’m proud of never once defecating in the same room twice for coming up to eight years now. So the utter volte face performed by Immature Leg on his third/fourth/fifth/tenth/twentieth <can you Google this? It’d literally take two seconds- Ed> album can only be applauded. It’s depressingly rare that artists take such risks and completely turn their entire sound and style upside down and Etch-a-Sketch the fuck out of it

+3

‘Volte Face’ comes from the French meaning literally ‘facially similar to a vole’. The French have long considered voles to be uncommonly inconsistent animals

+1

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I think that’s a mole, not a vole…

-10

It’s not like Chilly Gambo was ever that great a rapper anyway. Sure, he did that brilliant song once called…

erm…

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Sunrise, which I honestly think is one of the best songs of recent times in any genre (not just urban ones), but him singing slower is no great loss to hippity hop

+1

Honestly, it took me literally 15 minutes to find the name of that song…

-10

And, initially, it really works: opening track Me and Your Mama (fnnarr!) is a brilliantly bonkers and exciting riot of a track, and you’ve already got your underpants around your ankle and presenting yourself to Mr Gambino, begging to be filled with his Genius

+1

Awaken,_My_Love!

Unfortunately… That’s really about it…

-1

The rest of the album collapses quickly into prosaic jazz parody, that given Donald Sutherland’s day job you can’t help but worry that it’s supposed to be somehow funny, like if Chevy Chase forwarded a plan to the United Nations to cut down on carbon emissions by banning plastic bottle tops despite obviously misinterpreting the data on how much damage they actually do. Like, the plan’s obviously shit, Chevy, but is it supposed to be…?

-18

The rest of the album would be pretty much disposable if it weren’t for Redbone, which is a lovely track, and one I saw performed live twice by a woman called Nadia at a couple of live events for Refugee Week this summer, which was great

+4

Yes, I am far better than you. What have you done to help refugees recently? You’re practically Katie Hopkins

-24

I mean, Nadia even changed the lyrics to ‘Stay woke, people creeping’…

+1

9 Prince Points

Any worthwhile music is either like Prince or like Guns n Roses, so I will attempt to judge all albums of 2016 on how much they adhere to either side. An unexpected and experimental album that’s still borderline unlistenable at times despite very occasionally scaling lofty heights? Yep…

Metacritic: +77

Length 48 minutes -2

Best Lyric: ‘Blindly in love, I fucks with you ‘Til I realize I’m just too much for you I’m just too much for you’      +1

Is the last song just the first track but played on Ukulele? No -1

Total 27

Honestly, we’re still in the rubbish stage of me trying to remember how to write, it gets better than this nonsense…

116 Primal Scream: Chaosmosis

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You have to appreciate Pri-Scem, who are comfortably one of the most ridiculous bands to have ever boogied across the Earth. Priz-Scrum, the sound of the interstellar nuclear Armageddon constantly playing out in their drug addled minds that has kept them from sleeping since 1986 is embarrassingly underplayed, they swear that subtlety is a Zionist conspiracy, and have been governmentally ordered to be carefully monitored at all times unless they lock themselves in the studio for thirty minutes and record ANOTHER ridiculous 70s southern rock boogie woogie pastiche while earing glittered jumpsuits.

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It’s not that P-Scree don’t care how awful they frequently sound, it’s that they honestly believe they’re making impossibly cool music, and that it’s the rest of the lame world that is too dumb (or perhaps the victims of another Zionist conspiracy) to come around to their genius.

-16

The frustrating thing is that sometimes they’re right!!

+5

Three times in the past, after admittedly ceding a lot of their creativity to much more restrained geniuses, they have actually put their names to undisputed classics: 92’s ‘Screamadelica’, 97’s ‘Vanishing Point’ and 01’s ‘XTRMNTR’

+2

It’s that last classic that did the most lasting damage, as they first chanced upon the idea of recording themselves drilling holes in their own testicles, over dubbed with the screams such an exercise naturally elicit, filling up 64 tracks with similar noises, launching drone strikes on the studio and then setting it on fire before kicking it to Neptune for good measure. By way of some bizarre celestial joke, the album ended up being amazing. Nobody in the band knows quite how, so they decided to record every album in similar fashion just to be safe

+1

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So they would have finished recording ‘Chaosmis’ without a single one of their members ever questioning whether it sounded a bit too much like the music a secondary school’s drama unit would have been forced to throw together after Andrew Lloyd Webber refused them the rights to ‘Starlight Express’, or in parts like the music a CBeebies show would use to soundtrack evil space rabbits, because their music’s sounded far crazier before, and people fucking loved it

-10

‘Chaosmis’ starts with the delightfully daft Tripping on your Love, which is at least a lot of fun in its inherent naffness

+8

…but aside from Golden Rope’s glorious coda of ‘I know that there is something wrong inside of me’ the album all to rarely deliverers on its gloriously nutty promise

-10

Metacritic:

Even though this is a subjective exercises, I will still consider the opinions of the great, smelly, unwashed, plebeian masses to be of some relevance to the final mathematical grading, so I have taken into account metacritic.com’s broad numerical summarisation of the general critical consensus. Unfortunately, I’ve had to start here, as Damian Lazarus is judged not to exist

+65

Length 37 minutes +9

Best Lyric: ‘Lord forgive me/I’ve been running/Running blind in truth’    +1

Is the last song just the first track but played on Ukulele? No -1

Total 25

117: Damien Lazarus and the Ancient Moons: Message from the Other Side

Remember how good ‘Smoke the Monster Out‘ was?

+5

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Well, no, obviously you don’t, because you’re an aged philistine whose only musical purchase in the 21st century has been a CD of ‘Stadium Arcadium’ you keep for the car for when a programme about rugby starts on Talk Sport, but trust me when I tell you as your intellectual and cultural superior that Damo Lazzy’s 2009 debut was one of the best dance records since cavemen first realised that their evening rituals worshipping the disappearing sun would be infinitely improved by rhythmically smashing rocks against peoples’ heads

+4

A.J.P Taylor would later theorise in his 1975 thesis ‘Prehistoric Bangers’ that this was the first historically recorded instance of ‘putting a donk on it’

+3

donk

Christ, that’s a dated reference…

-1

So I so dearly wanted to adore ‘Message From the Other Side’ (awful, hackneyed title -1) that I actually went to a shop and bought it on CD!! Which in 2016 is like paying for porn

-1

I’ve force fed the album now for longer than I’ve worked at any relationship and, much like my second, fourth and fifth wife, if there’s any subtle depths and nuanced artistry that I’m missing it’s buried far too deep beneath banal noises, unimaginative aesthetics, and a horrible hairy mole on its lip that it just refuses to shave

-1

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It’s not a bad album by any means, it just makes me weep salty tears that a man who once wrote orgasmically brilliant dance tunes that freaking sampled Red Right Hand can somehow manage to produce 2016’s most depressingly average record

-1

Length

The side of a tape is 46 minutes, and I feel that any album that feels the need to go longer than that is unforgivably flagrant.

Unfortunately, ‘MftOS’ is exactly 46 minutes, so is the worst possible example to start the list off with. I’m giving him

-5

just for being so difficult

Is the last song just the first track but played on Ukulele? No -1

Total: 1 Point

(NOTE: Wow that’s a… that’s a really rubbish score… Like, we’ll be in the hundreds pretty soon, y’know? Oh, and the writing gets much better as well, this was my first try back, gimme a break!)

Necessary Evil 2016

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‘Better later than never’ the kids are fond of saying, but really though? Really? I mean, my mate Paul- y’know, Paul– said that he was going to post dog faeces through my letter box on Monday, and though it finally arrived three days late this morning I’d still have preferred it if he didn’t do it all.

I wrote two books in 2016, the first one of which I to this day struggle to convince people is a daringly obnoxious work of borderline genius that I honestly believed would create a new style of fiction writing. Unfortunately, it was not an easy read and I know for a fact that nobody I know ever reached the end of it. So, I quickly wrote another one that was a thousand times easier to read and about a hundred times less a explosion of unrefined inventiveness. Nobody even started to read that. The reactions hurt me, because I am a Delicate Snowflake Social Justice Cluck, so I deleted all the titles from the Kindle store.

It was then around the glorious;y suitable bygone era of October 2016, so I started writing Necessary Evil 2016. However, I realised I couldn’t do it, struggling under the fallacy that I was a proper music writer, rather than a guy who made nob jokes for 400 words before telling you that the new Pixies album is terrible. I jacked it in and decided to write my third book, as I’d begun to find fiction writing so much easier. It depressed me greatly when I discovered that I could no longer do that either. All I listened to were 30 year old Prince records, becoming the kind of person I have always correctly hated

Just before Christmas, because the government are such dedicated trolls, it was decided that I was no longer disabled and my Employment and Support Allowance would be stopped. I was talentless and moneyless, and music ceased to give me joy. I began wondering what the easiest way to commit suicide would be, but because guns are illegal in this country and I’m an especially unimaginative sort, I couldn’t think of anything appropriate.

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BUT! But but but! But! I recalibrated my brain and kissed myself in the mirror repeatedly, and early in 2017 I began to consider myself worthwhile again. Then the Magnetic Fields released a new album in March, and listening to it convinced me that I should do these lists again.

Of course, you’ll have to wait until next year to hear my response to ’50 Song Memoir’, as I couldn’t let a year as musically important as 2016 not be garbled on and so it’s important I get all my affairs in order. So, yeah, I’m going to always be a year out in future, but just… just… shut up

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So, yeah, NE2016 has grown to be fucking ridiculous: there are 117 (one hundred and seventeen) albums, and that’s after I decided it was getting a little excessive and began harshly trimming the herd.

It is, however, fucking brilliant, and emboldens my claim as perhaps the greatest living essayist. It’s definitely the best Necessary Evil so far because, y’know, it would have to be, wouldn’t it?

It might actually be the greatest year end list of all time, as I have always considered the shameless subjectivity inherent in many similar undertakings a real affront to science, and so the list you are about to receive is based on points and maths and shit

It’s also about 70’000 words, because I hate myself and the reader

Now leave me alone…

Welcome to the Circus. Christo Fire Machon, circus performer, Alison Laredo

NECESSARY EVIL 2016: PRE-EJACULATE

The Full Count-fucking-down

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Have you noticed all those ‘best films/songs/books/soapy tit-wanks of 2016 so far‘ pieces of guff that are flying about cyberspace like an unusually critical swarm of locusts recently? What’s that all about?? Just another excuse for the laziest of journalists to whore themselves like your mum, baring their puckered anus to the passing crowd of disinterested and in all scientific accuracy probably masturbating internet in the sad and transparent attempt to get someone-anyone– to poke their click finger in their exposed SEO hole

In an entirely unrelated matter, I’m about to post what I (me! Meeeeee!) believe to be the 12 greatest songs released in the months of December 2015 through June this year, which is a completely different thing. I have only allowed myself one song per artist, which was insanely difficult for some artists but VERY easy for others, and I’ve tried (but in all probability failed) to only talk about the song in question, so even though there are a few (to the the least! Hahahahahahahahahaha!!! Ammi right guys? Huh? Ammi Right??!) artists on this list who would definitely benefit from a long discussion, you’re going to have to wait until 2016 Necessary Evil in December

I’m not going to apologise for any opinions, because that is literally the stupidest fucking thing in the worl

Why is it top 12?

Hmmm?

Why is 12, and not, like 10, or 20, or 5?

Wha…? Jesus fucking Christ Stewart, were you listening at all? There were twelve brilliant songs this year, no more, no less, don’t you ever think I haven’t already considered something that’s somehow seeped into your tiny brain, and don’t you ever question my methods

Sorry…

Get back in your box

 

#12 Car Seat Headrest: Drunk Drivers/Killer Whales

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I know what you’re thinking, I know what you’re always thinking when you read whatever tiny piece of amateurish writing I produce by way of telling a hedgehog that his or her parents are getting a divorce and them publishing whatever his confused and emotionally fraught body types out on the keyboard. You’re always thinking ‘I wonder how Alex masturbates’.

Well, I’ll let you in in my fiercely guarded secret: I ‘raise the red lantern’ by turning this anthemic, intelligence, dramatic and plain epic song on full volume and then stand in front of my open window and scream every gorgeous lyric at the top of my lungs with my eyes closed tightly as confused pedestrians pass

Got me in jail a few times, but if you knew the song you’d know it was totally worth it

 

 

#11 Rihanna: Consideration

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It has come to my attention *glares around room accusingly; spits on floor* that some of you offensively crude attempts at people don’t completely love Rihanna (or, as I call her her, ‘Hanna-hanna’). This isn’t a joke, I honestly think you people are all humanity’s own wettest farts and should have your ears, eyes and (to be on completely the safe side) genitals removed immediately as they are clearly not working and they need to be taken from you before you hurt anyone, like the council removing the child from parents who use their daughter’s head to attempt to unblock the toilet. There are so many fabulous bits in this short song, but the sheer music in her own voice when she sings ‘I do advise you, Run it back, run it on back, When you’re breaking it down for me, Cause I can hear you two times, Run it on back, will it ever make sense to me?’ just makes me… makes me…

Oooooof….

You know  what, Hanna-hanna? I know I’ve fought your restraining order in court a dozen times now, but there are moments like that when I get it

 

 

#10 Sia: The Space Between

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Emotional manipulation is, I believe, generally a bad thing. Boom! First fucking sentence motherfuckers and I’m already coming up with, like, t-shirt level shit. When you’re hot, you are HOT…

What was I talking about?

You know, that Australian who looks like she’s what Avril Lavigne might’ve done to her barbie doll as a teenager and was convinced it looked ‘totally kick ass’

Oh, Sia! Yes, while emotional manipulation in art is generally the type of thing I’d tut at loudly over my glass of Courvoisier and roll my eyes theatrically so that everybody in the vicinity would be aware of how dumb it was and by extension how intelligent I am (because I, like every single fucking person in the world, truly believe that all it takes to be smart is hating the right things), and Space Between is shameless, like Steven Speilberg directing a movie about the horrors of the 2012 tsunami and made the lead character a wickle fwuffy bunny wabbit. But, similar to that movie (what, you didn’t see it? Dude, it won the Oscar for Achievements in Fluffiness, open your fucking eyes sometime) Sia somehow pulls it off, belting out the song like the room is filling with gas and she knows she only has 5 minutes of life yet, and managing to use her breathtaking pipes to somehow deliver the emotion a scandalously overwrought song promises.

 

#10 Jeremih: Planes

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You’re probably already bored of this list and we’re not even in the top 5 yet. “Oh Alex!” you’re saying “I don’t want to read about this! I want to look at the humblebrags from people I never fucking liked in the first place as they commit hateful onanism in front of me while I wonder what would be the best way to kill myself, my spouse, and all my hateful children in one fell swoop without the authorities getting suspicious”, yes, yes, a tale as old as barbiturates and wine itself, but please give me another chance, if only to read how the nerdiest of nerdy white guys attempts to get around using the ‘N’ word, everyone enjoys that, don’t they?

“You need a *person of afro/carribean origin* that’s gonna come over and dig you out
You need a *person of afro/carribean origin* that you know is not gon’ run his mouth
You need a *person of afro/carribean origin* when he done probably gon’ put you out
You need a *person of afro/carribean origin* that’s gon’ put it in your mouth
Dick so big it’s like a foot is in yo’ mouth
And you ain’t babysitting, but my kids all on yo’ couch
And oh, you nasty, oh, oh, you nasty
Both graduated so fuck keepin’ it classy”

Now, with a lyric like that, I don’t believe the song’s brilliance need further justification

 

#9 Prince Rama: Bahia

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Are you or have you ever been in close contact with someone who defies themselves as an adult? Stay well away! It’s a horrendous affliction that can lead to every single aspect of life dwindling into pointlessness and your whole existence suddenly only placing real importance into its most absolutely dull facets. ‘Bahia’, despite being made by a pair of fit, athletic, beautiful adults…

*Phone rings*

‘Hello. Ah hello, good to hear from you, I always welcome a call from my lawyer… What?!…Both of them?!…Are you even sure that two sisters are allowed to have restraining orders against the same person, I mean the logistics of it for a start are… Hmmm… Yes, I see…’

Sorry about that, where was I?

Yes despite being made by two *consults lawyer* human adults, ‘Bahia’ is an absolutely joyous 3 minutes, like the glorious fun a dog would have if he broke into a cadaver lab before the police inevitably arrived to put him down

If you watched the video you’d have a new favourite thing, but you won’t, because you’re a cretin

xxxxxxxxx

 

#7 Kanye West: Waves

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Oh! He’s waving! So when I put ‘kanye west waves’ into Google… I just assumed he was throwing his hands up in childish glee at his own cultural relevance. Ok, I understand everything a little better now.

What a year Mr. ‘Can? Yay!’ has had in 2016, let’s start on the chiming in of the new year on 00:01 January 1st, where rather than singing Aul Lang Syne he, and I can’t believe I’m actually writing these words…

Όχι! Δεν μιλάμε για τον τραγουδιστή Alex , για να κολλήσει το τραγούδι και τίποτα άλλο !

Ok, Ok, sorry…

That was Alekiseh, I thought I could use some help remembering never to actually talk about the artists themselves yet, so I hired an intern. Yes, he is Greek, they can obviously use the work at the moment, and to be honest I can’t help but assume you’re being a bit racist in noticing, much like the only reason anyone would ever have for leaving the EU*.

‘Waves’ though, is absolutely stunning, the one moment on his patchy album…

Κανένα άλμπουμ δεν μιλούν !

Sorry… A moment that proves beyond dispute the existence of his utter genius that some people with both cloth ears and brains full of sulphur dioxide (and yes, also a little bit racist) refuse to admit

*That’s not a joke, it’s a statement of fucking fact, don’t give me this ‘economic blah and your democratic freedom bluh, the reason you don’t want to be in the EU is because you don’t like funny brown people, so even if your opinion makes NO SENSE I think I’d respect you more if you just admitted it**

 

**I’ll never respect you, in any context, ever

 

#6 David Bowie: Lazarus

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Jesus fucking suffering Christ Bowie, you really didn’t think about this did you? This list is supposed to be a weightless gas (“Join Alex P Later Here Tonight on GUMP-TV Where He’ll Take An HILARIOUS Sideways Look At the 6 Months In Music”) but I can’t even make humourous things funny, so I’ll just post the lyrics here instead and you vultures* can all wait until Christmas

Look up here, I’m in heaven

I’ve got scars that can’t be seen

I’ve got drama, can’t be stolen

Everybody knows me now

Look up here, man, I’m in danger

I’ve got nothing left to lose

I’m so high it makes my brain whirl

Dropped my cell phone down below

Ain’t that just like me

By the time I got to New York

I was living like a king

Then I used up all my money

I was looking for your ass

This way or no way

You know, I’ll be free

Just like that bluebird

Now ain’t that just like me

Oh I’ll be free

Just like that bluebird

Oh I’ll be free

Ain’t that just like me

*I don’t really think you’re all vultures**

**I fucking do though

 

#5 Beyonce: Hold Up

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Nggggg, Ngggggggg, huh huh huh, NGGGGGGGGGG!

No, I’m not trying to pass a particularly aggressive bowel movement (but I can definitely understand why you’d jump to that conclusion and can only assume you’ve actually lived with me before: Hi!!) but trying to review a TINY part of Beyonce’s masterful ‘Lemonade’ project…

Σε παρακολουθώ!

Alright mate, chill your tits. All I can say is that you should all beg, steal, borrow and hustle until you have a copy (any copy! I’ll look the other way, know-warra-mean-nudge-nudge-wink-wink-kiss-kiss-bang-bang) of the full video art project behind the album, as not only  can I not really talk to you before you’ve seen it, I’m not sure I really count you as an actual person

Back?

It’s amazing isn’t it!? The way the video changes to a security camera POV and she sings”I always keep the top tier, 5 star Backseat lovin’ in the car, Like make that wood, like make that wood, Holly like a boulevard” as the sound quality warps may be the GREATEST THING ANYONE HAS EVER DONE EVER!!!!

What are you nodding for? You didn’t see it *turns back*

 

#5 Anhoni: Execution

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“Wah! Wah! Why to transgender people wants so much rights? Wah! Wah! I won’t even call them by whatever name that they choose to be called by for some fucking reason! Wah! Wah! If we let them use whatever toilet they want they’ll sacrifice our kids to paedo-Hitler! Wah! Wah! Or some shit like that, I only flicked through the news channel to be honest. Wah! Wah! You’re actually an-unrepresented minority today if youre a white straight person! Wah Wah! OH GOD PLEASE JUST GIVE ME SOME FUCKING ATTENTION! WAAAAAH! WAAAAAAAAAH! I’M A LITTLE WORM WHO ONLY WANTS ATTENTION! WAH! WAH!

#subtle

Yeah, you’re right, Anohni probably does these things a little better than me, and even when she’s delivering an impassioned commentary of execution being ‘the American dream’ she manages to cloak an important message behind simply lucious music and a voice that would melt the kneecaps off a butterfly*

Take note, Literally Every Other Singer in the World

#DoubleSubtle

*Jesus, where did that come from? I worry myself sometimes

 

#3 Radiohead: Burn the Witch

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“Yes. Yes. Yes” you nod your big ugly nose and sit back in your reclining Kunt chair (IKEA catalogue number 5767, look it up, I don’t just make these things up for cheap heat you know?) as you allow yourself a self-satisfied sip of organic urtica dioica tea “Thank God Radiohead are here, they’re a proper band. Probably, actually, probably, definitely the best band in the world. In, like, twenty years time they’ll be looked back on as the Beatles of my generation”

Shut up! Shutupshutupshutupshutup! You are the reason I hate Radiohead, you are the reason even the band themselves HATE Radiohead on occasion! I’m not saying your affection is in no way false, but you act like being ‘into’ Radiohead is an act of high culture appreciation on par with tenderly stroking the public hair of Warner Herzog. You like Radiohead because you like guitar music and choruses, you’d be a fan of McBusted if you weren’t constantly tying yourself in knots over your own ridiculous self awareness. Enjoy ‘Hail to the Thief’ much do you? Do you stick on ‘King of Limbs’ very often? No, you fucking don’t, you stick on ‘OK Computer’ and play air guitar in the mirror to ‘Lucky’ because you’re a cunt*

What’s that?

Oh the music, yeah it’s fantastic, the best thing they’ve done in ages, but since when has that been relevant?

*I honestly do apologise for the language. Why do I ONLY get angry over life’s most trivial things, and music?

 

#2 The Coral: Connector

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Remember The Coral? No? Ask your Gran, she’ll say to you “The Coral? Didn’t they release their first album in 2002? It’s a bit unlikely they’ll be much of a reference point for me, or indeed anyone’s grandparent”

At this point you should simply tell Enid (for that is your Gran’s name) that I was only using her as a cheap joke in order to accentuate how long it’s been since the Coral felt relevant.

“I see” Enid would reply, understanding everything immediately, she has grown so wise in her advanced years “In which case I can say I remember their debut album sounding like nothing else on Earth but the band then unfortunately released lacklustre bum clap after lucklustre bum clap albums until they steadily turned from the country’s most exciting young band into one of the world’s most boring”

Kiss your Gran on the forehead and excitedly explain that they’re back! They’re back with a stomping rock classic with a ball bag so heaving with fortitude and with chunky riffs that’d be rejected by Pukka Pies for being too meaty

Then, calmly and methodically, place the cushion over her face and push down so air can no longer escape. It’s time for her to go…

https://www.izlesene.com/video/the-coral-connector/9363851

 

#1 Animal Collective: Floridada

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Yes, it absolutely is, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let myself be dragged into an argument with a man who’s just killed his own grandmother.

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We should pay our respects to her though by playing this song at her funeral, Enid was in love with life’s infinite possibilities no differently to how this gorgeously inappropriate song is in love with the mind-bending and genre-fisting opportunities inherent in the core of music itself, of all art Goddammit!!

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I’m often a big fan of music that was obviously as fun to make as it sounds, so it’s a massive shame that isn’t the case here, as simply no possible human activity could literally be possible to be anywhere near as fun as this song sounds. Across the road from the studio Animal Collective recorded this in there were a couple of teenage girls riding velociraptors in pink tutus (yes, the teenage girls, the velociraptors and, for good measure, the crowd and the referee were all wearing tutus, don’t try and catch me off guard with pedantic grammar again or I’ll set fire to your chin, capiche?) while they played the game NIP-TIZZ where the only way to score points is to squirt the opposing player on one of their exposed, erect nipples with a Supersoaker 2000. While they recorded this song Toyah belched to signal time out and turned to Channel to say “Fuck this garbage, I want to see what they’re doing over there!”

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The brilliant, hilarious, bizarrely erotic video catches my feelings about this insane work of absiolute and limitless genius and creativity best: when Aver Tare wraps his lucious lips around the hard, throbbing lyrics of “I don’t even know where to begin
Or how I should start these days. The green mountain south or The Clay of the westerns, The Maryland meadows at midnight they do have a misty grace’ I want nothing more than to fuck this song hard. Or even lay it down on the silk pillows by the fire after making it an romantic meal and make sweet tender love to it all night long…

Γεια σου ! Είστε πραγματικά σέρνεται ανθρώπους έξω τώρα ! Σας εγγυώμαι ότι κανείς την ανάγνωση αυτή είναι απόλυτα σίγουρος για το αν είστε αστειεύεται ή όχι !

Good point, I better go now

*takes Floridada up to his bedroom*

*locks the door*

 

SO INTERNET, WHAT DO YOU THINK!?!?!?!*

 

*nobody has ever cared what you think

2010 Albums of the Year

Yep, it all needs to be cataloged I’m afraid, here it is, unedited and uncorrected

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Thoughts…

-I realised how ridiculously overwrought my 2009 list was, and this has to be the shortest end of year list I’ve ever done. People were so lucky in 2010

-Big Boi was originally (and deservedly) in the top 3, but I liked the idea of an all female top 3 so I relegated him. It’s all a sham! HAHAHA!

-There are at least 7 albums here that I have no memory of

-I obviously LOVED Anais Mitchell, but I literally have no memory of who she is…

-‘…coke they plan to snort out of Peaches Geldofs bum-crack’. My obsession with Peaches Geldof is a bit worrying…

-‘toe-curdlingly’, ha! Nice one Alex

-Hardly ANY dumb pop culture references! I must have been ill…

-‘One’ by Yeasayer, ‘Runaway’ by the National, ‘Obsessions’ by Marina… Not a lot of my favourite albums, but a lot of my favourite ever songs were released in 2010

-2010 was obviously the most ‘meh’ year

-…but the number 1 album is a legitimate classic, to this day

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2010

You know the drill: conjecture, conjecture, ill-informed opinion, ham-fisted and already dated topical reference, inflated sense of self-worth, end. After the length of last years list was comparable to your average Greek epic, or a Joanna Newsom album, Ive kept things as brief as possible this time around. Basically, its nearly 11am now, Im going out at around 8pm and I want this thing done.

20. Everything Everything: Man Alive

Extremely impressive debut from a band consisting of members from almost all of the UKs pop powerhouses- Manchester, Newcastle, Guernsey- that despite its occasional rough edges shows the band have more than enough originality and invention to completely balls up their second album then spend the rest of their career embarrassingly attempting to recapture their early promise.

19. Gorillaz: Plastic Beach

The first time I heard The Gorillaz third album I thought it was great, the second time I loved it, the third time I thought it was perhaps an album of the year contender, and the fourth time I thought maybe I was getting a little bored of it. I honestly dont think Ive listened to it since. Therein lies the problem with Plastic Beach– despite its technical excellent (and in places it is superb) theres something strangely un-engaging and disposable about it, like that iPad app that can accurately predict how many Polo mints you can put up your nose without sneezing.

18. Plan B: The Defamation of Strickland Banks

Christ this is a difficult one, and not just because of that title. In 2006 Plan Bs debut album Who Needs Actions When Youve Got Words announced the arrival of a major new talent, in equal parts musically challenging, fiercely intelligent and sickeningly horrific, it suggested that the London rapper could conceivably be judged as the UKs answer to Eminem without the fart jokes and self-obsession. Which is why Ben Drews decision to follow up that album four years later with an album of retro soul with an edge in what seems like a calculated (and, judging by the records sales, successful) attempt to position himself as the male Amy Winehouse. Jettisoning pretty much all of his previous attempts at originality, he seems to have given up on becoming a viable alternative to Eminem (just as Eminem himself seems to have lost the plot musically too) and is instead happier being more of a 21st century- Yikes!- Terrence Trent DArby (who, to be fair, has completely lost the plot in pretty much every sense).

What makes it even more difficult to accept is that, well, hes really good at it. The production of Defamation…’ is spotlessly lush, Ben Drews voice is wonderful, the narrative of the album works well, despite some glaring plot-holes and the album is easily the best of its type since, yep, Back To Black. I await his 2013 collaboration with James Corden and Susan Boyle with baited breath.

17. Flying Lotus: Cosmogramma

From an album almost shamefully derivative to one blissfully original- its hard to adequately compare Flying Lotuss debut album- a cacophony of computer beeps, psychedelic rock, funk bass-lines and any other random descriptions you may want to add- to much other music out there, though many commentators have flagged up the genre-breaking similarities to DJ Shadows seminal and equally original debut Endtroducing. Perhaps if dubstep had been conceived in America on different, and by the sounds of things much better, drugs then wed have a whole movement of artists that sound like Cosmogramma, but considering even one listen to this great record can occasionally make you feel like your brain is leaking out of your eye-sockets, one will do for now thanks.

16. Built to Spill: There Is No Enemy

How many great tracks does it take to make a great album? If you said all of them or similar then youre either a liar or one of the lucky souls whos never been subjected to Yellow Submarine, Sloop John B, Digsys Dinner or countless other steaming turds thoughtlessly laid on classic records. Idaho band Built to Spills seventh album (do keep up) tests the theory with eleven tracks almost exactly divided between fantastic and meh…’ However, while it may lose points for consistency, the high points of There Is No Enemy have few equals this year- The opening salvo of Aisle 13, Hindsight and Nowhere Lullaby especially are as good an introduction to an album as youll ever hear.

15. Manic Street Preachers: Postcards From A Young Man

On their tenth album (Jesus fucking Christ) The Manics have now released three consecutive critically-acclaimed albums and enter their early 40s seemingly all too happy with mainstream acceptance. The critical salivation and great artistic success of last years possible career high of Journal for Plague Lovers though seems to have infected the band with that most cancerous of artistic afflictions- happiness. Postcards…’ is a wonderfully euphoric and anthemic collection of unashamed commercial rock songs, the Everything Must Go to their previous albums Holy Bible (God help us when they reach Lifeblood again), but the band seemingly having little to rail against or be angry about gives the album a certain inconsequential- dare I say irrelevant?- air that disappoints from a band who were always convinced of their own (self) importance. All We Make Is Entertainment’ indeed.

14. Yeasayer: Odd Blood

Deliriously good second album from the Brooklyn collective, dizzyingly inventive and possibly the one album released this year most in love with the gleeful possibilities of pop music. Odd Bloods wilful experimentation occasionally gets ahead of itself, with a handful of songs not quite standing up, and the clash of styles predictably comes at the expense of more cohesion across the album, but these are small gripes, and theres seemingly endless treats to discover here. And was there a better single than O.N.E released last year?*

* No

13. N.A.S.A: Spirit of Apollo

David Byrne, Chali 2Na, Chuck D, Seu Jorge, Method Man, RZA, John Frusciante, KRS One, Karen O, Ol Dirty Bastard, Tom Waits, Kool Keith, Kanye West, Santigold, Lykke Li, Sizzla, Lovefoxx, George Clinton, MIA, Nick Zinner, Nina Persson

To avoid being overshadowed by what must be the most ridiculously eclectic guest list on any recent album the debut record by LA/ Brazilian duo N.A.S.A would have to be pretty special musically. Luckily, there are enough moments of genius spread over its 18 tracks (far, far too many!) to see that the records lofty ambitions are just about realized, and despite more than three dozen guest stars it still on the whole manages to retain some semblance of cohesion in a deft mix of hip hop and Brazilian funk. An impressive achievement.

12. Mystery Jets: Serotonin

Scientists recently proved that the Mystery Jets have become 56.8% more interesting since they realised the stylistic restrictions of pretending to be an indie band and accepted that a few synthesizers does not Nik Kershaw make. Their third album is both their most commercial and their best yet, obviously influenced by some of the better pop of the 1980s but not sounding at any point derivative or dated, thanks in no small part to the fantastic production job by Chris Thomas. Plus Flash a Hungry Smile, Dreaming of Another World and Show Me the Light are as good a trio of pop singles as youre likely to hear.

11. Grinderman: Grinderman 2

Nick Cave is such a permanent feature on these lists that if tragedy strikes and he doesnt manage to release a record next year I may just have to leave a slot blank in memoriam. Grinderman 2 is another fantastic album, superior to both the bands debut and last years slightly lacklustre Bad Seeds release Dig! Lazarus, Dig!. It mostly eschews the bands previous releases primal squall for a slightly more considered psych-rock style, though when the band cut loose they still do so with the intense anger of a rhinoceros attempting to return a faulty foot spa without a receipt. Those awaiting Nick Caves long-mooted cover of perennial favourite Chico Time though will presumably have to wait until the next Bad Seeds album.

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10. Ariel Pinks Haunted Graffiti: Before Today

Before Today is what FM Rock would sound like if the World was just that little bit more batshit mental, like the result of some wonderful yet to be commissioned game show where members of the public drink a tin of emulsion paint and attempt to play the greatest hits of ELO. Its wonderful stuff from start to finish, marrying a fantastic knowledge of melody to the courage to take things into left-field if necessary. Its almost disarmingly charming, considering its a record made by people who look like they spend their evenings injecting disinfectant into their eyeballs and painting the walls with their own blood and semen, and is blessed with more hooks than any other record this year- Round and Round, LEstat and (ahem) Butt-House Blondies especially deserve to be considered for the next winner of the X Factor

9. Gil Scott-Heron: Im New Here

The joke being, of course, that he really isnt. After more than a decade of personal problems, crippling drug addiction and no new material since 1994 the most people wouldve conceivably expected from Herons thirteenth solo album was a pleasant acceptance that he wasnt quite dead, a patronising pat on the back and perhaps two songs on Jools Holland. What no-one couldve predicted was quite how modern, experimental, ambitious and vital it sounded- this is not a record by a 61 year-old has been embarrassingly attempting to recreate former glories, but an album that sounds unmistakably a part of 2010s musical landscape as any other on this list. Musically XL Records owner Richard Russell’s production is by turn solemnly beautiful and almost unbearably exciting (best exemplified by how the stark acoustic title track effortlessly segues out of the violent electronica of Me and the Devil), while Herons voice retains a beauty and an anger that shames people a third of his age.

8. Marina and the Diamonds: The Family Jewels

Last year Marina Diamondis (Christ I hope thats her real name) released a debut trio of almost perfectly realised left-field pop singles that displayed more imagination, individualism and invention in their accumulative 10 minutes than most other artists manage in their entire career, which left many people beside themselves wondering just how disappointing her debut album could possibly be. Luckily, Marina and the Diamonds debut album more than pulls it off, and while Obsessions, I Am Not A Robot and Mowglis Road are still among the albums highlights, the album is packed with similar examples of gleefully weird, yet deftly realised, pop music. Theres not a duff track among the 13 here, and almost every song has at least one moment of dizzyingly inventive originality. Marinas main problem is that almost every song also has at least one moment so toe-curdlingly embarrassing its all you can do to stop chewing your knuckles off (the ‘And let the drum beats drop! refrain in I Am Not A Robot is a particularly painful example), but she has more than enough charm to pull it off in most cases, and with slightly better self-control her second album has the potential to be a classic.

7. The National: High Violet

We all know the deal with The National by now- a few songs that sound a bit like The Tindersticks, a couple of songs that sound a lot like The Tindersticks, and the rest of the songs falling somewhere in between. Guffaw! While High Violet doesnt make any giant strides forward for the New Yorkers- and why should it?- their fifth album cements the bands sound to near-perfection, delivering their most focused, cohesive and best collection to date. Its also refreshing, after losing count of how many otherwise fantastic albums Ive heard that seem to lose steam three quarters in as the producers minds inevitably turn to how much coke they plan to snort out of Peaches Geldofs bum-crack at the wrap party* (Im looking at you Snow Patrol), to hear an album that actually grows and evolves as it progresses, awarding the listeners perseverance by placing its strongest tracks at the albums close. The albums highpoint, though, is Runaway, a song so lovely and fragile that even just one listen would convince Rupert Murdoch to head off to Oz in search of a soul.

*Note to Peaches Geldofs lawyers: Come on, its true

6. Sleigh Bells: Treats

Probably the years most individualistic and unique record, and definitely its most certifiably bonkers. MIAs greatest contribution to music in 2010 was not her own laboured and overcooked MAYA album, but discovering and subsequently signing Brooklyns (again??) Sleigh Bells, and hence ensure that their visceral head-fuck of a debut album saw the light of day. Theres little to compare Treats to, at least theres little music to compare it to- some songs may put the listener in mind of being inside a tumble-dryer perhaps, or the constant jagged white noise inside Mickey Rourkes head that has ensured he hasnt slept since 1988. Its an astonishingly brave attack on the senses, fully-realised yet thrillingly raw, the only complaint I could make is that, apart from a handful of relatively reserved songs such as Rill Rill, it can all be a bit too much at times, but maybe Im just showing my age

5. Arcade Fire: The Suburbs

At some point in the last three years it was decided that Arcade Fires rapturously received (and very, very good) 2007 album Neon Bible was, in fact, shit, and so Im actually obligated to call this a return to form, even if continuation of a pretty spotless recording career thus far would make a lot more sense. The Suburbs is better than Neon Bible though, and possibly even their best album yet- a lot more relaxed and loose than their previous works, there are moments where you could even imagine the band smiling as they recorded (not Win Butler, obviously, he hasnt found reason to smile since John Candy died in 1994) and theres a fantastic propulsive nature to the album that betrays a real drive and sense of purpose, and ensures that despite its length (60+ minutes and 16 tracks) there doesnt seem to be an ounce of fat on it. Bruce Springsteens lawyer, however, may want to listen to a few of the tracks

4. Big Boi: Sir Lucious Left Foot: The Son of Chico Dusty

Too often ridiculously thought of as Outkasts Andrew Ridgeley to Andre 3000s George Michael- usually by the kind of ignoramus who still listens to Mosely Shoals and uses the phrase At least they write their own songs in every argument, even if youre talking about the West Bank occupation- Big Boi has frequently proven himself both the most talented rapper and the most radical musical thinker in his (former?) group. Hey Ya may have been the highpoint of the duo’s 2003 double album, it was Big Bois Ghetto Musick that was the most ground-breaking and artistically radical moment, and on the Idlewild soundtrack literally every high-point of a confusing and disjointed album (The Train, Morris Brown etc) was a Big Boi cut, while Andre 3000s contributions were, to be frank, absolute steaming turds. Big Boi has also raised the bar ridiculously high with his solo debut- Sir Lucious…’ fires so much ideas and invention at you from the first bars of opener Daddy Fat Sacks and throughout its 19 tracks that its almost impossible to keep up, and you will continue to discover new subtleties within its deliciously layered production well into your 30-40th listen (I would recommend a lie down between spins though). Its a work of absolute genius, and youd have to go back to 2000s masterpiece Stankonia to find the last Outkast-related release of comparable quality. Flaws? Sigh Its a bit too long, and there are too many fucking skits! But you could pretty much say the same about every major hip-hop record released in the past two decades

3. Lonelady: Nerve Up

Fucking brilliant. Theres nothing particularly new or ground-breaking about Julie Campbells debut album- its basically just an extremely accomplished and almost psychotically tight New Wave punk record. It is, however, almost panic-attack inducingly exciting, performed with such intensity and with such an insanely absolute sense of purpose that the records 45 minutes seem to fly by in a matter of seconds. Such intensity and focus, not to mention her disregard for wasted seconds or redundant musical flourishes, is probably most reminiscent of the early work by her MCR compatriots Joy Division, though obviously lacking the devastating despair. She is, to my humble (ha!) ears, the most exciting thing to come out of Manchester since Carlos Tevez last spat out his dummy, and its good to see the city producing something that isnt four blokes in kagoules re-writing Dear Prudence/ She Bangs the Drum

2. Anais Mitchell: Hadestown

There have been so many wonderful albums released this year- in other years any of this years top 10 wouldve conceivably been my favourite. I qualify myself here in apology to Anais Mitchell- in different circumstances to put a work of absolutely unqualified genius such as Hadestown at number 2 would be tantamount to insanity. Ms. Mitchells forth album is simply awe-inspiring; thematically its similar to last years wonderful Decemberists album The Hazards of Love in that its also a concept album that uses folk music to tell a mythical tale (in this case Orpheus and Eurydices). However, as brilliant as The Decemberists album was, it cant help but sound like a tiny appetizer when compared to the feast served up by Hadestown. Its an amazing ride- through dozens of emotions and countless musical styles, and starring a fantastic cast of supporting actors- chiefly Bon Ivers Justin Vernon- and yet astonishingly it never sounds disjointed or jarring- every song flows so magnificently into the next that the album is able to create an experience quite unlike any other recently released. So, again, Im sorry Ms. Mitchell, in any other year youd have walked it

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  1. Janelle Monae: The Archandroid (Suites II & III)

Yet this was still the best by a country mile.

Christ, where do you startHas there been a more astonishing debut album (a 2009 EP was Suite I) than Janelle Monaes released in the past 5 years? The past decade? Its Songs In the Key of Life meets Ziggy Stardust with ten times more glamour and style than the former and twenty times more eclecticism and invention than the latter; its the second side suite of Abbey Road recorded by All Around The World In A Day era Prince; its Erm Elvis Presley On acid Its bloody brilliant, basically, breathlessly so (sometimes literally- the slower pace, and absolutely gorgeous, Sir Greendown must have been inserted on Doctors advice after another blast of energy on a par with the albums first four tracks would put thousands at risk of heart seizures) and its hard to think of any other album of recent years, or of any year, that so effortlessly and deftly handles so much genre-hopping and eclectism without once compromising the records faultless flow and sense of direction. The Archandroid Suite is partly based upon Metropolis (the series involves the fictional tale of Cindi Mayweather, a messianic android sent back in time to free the citizens of Metropolis from The Great Divide, a secret society that uses time-travel to suppress freedom and love’– in a perfect World, all albums should be decreed by law to follow a concept as fabulously batshit mental as this) and if it werent for the slightly cack-handed Big-Band stylings of Come Alive (War of the Roses) there would be little evidence that Janelle Monae was human at all. On top of all this, Monae also possesses one of the most startlingly powerful and versatile voices to have emerged in a long time- capable of moving from Mary J Blige smooth to Patti Smith squeal within a couple of words. If there are any better records released before 2020 its going to be a fantastic decade for music. The one major gripe? This is going to be absolutely impossible to top.

Also considered:

Antony & the Johnsons: Starlights Beautiful in parts, but severely lacking in actual tunes

The Roots: How I Got Over Some great moments, but theyre always so fucking pleased with themselves arent they?

LCD Soundsystem: This Is Happening Is it?

Hot Chip: One Life Stand Hmmm, just remembered this album. Probably shouldve gone in

Gayngs: Gayngs Great, but heard it too late for consideration

Joanna Newsom: Have One On Me A triple CD. Triple CD

Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross: The Social Network Soundtrack Just missed out

MIA: MAYA The self-importance is beginning to overtake the music for the first time

Also completely forgotten:

Well?

2009 Albums of the Year

Well, I’ve come this far… Once again, presented without editing or spellchecking:

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Quick Observations

-Eugh! Straight away I use that horrific and hackneyed ‘So good it’s probably illegal’ line again! I deserve to be spat at in the street…

-I really think I massively undersell quite how fantastic ‘11th Dimension’ is, I don’t even get its fucking name right…

-I don’t remember my writing being quite so obnoxious in 2008’s list, I think 2009 was when I was absolutely worst as a human being, and that’s reflected in some truly horrific writing

-‘Evocates’ Alex, really?

‘…couldn’t be more shocking if he confessed to murdering Jill Dando while doing an impression of Louis Walsh’: that’s an, erm, interesting choice of analogy there Alex

-“…a first taste engineered to make you eagerly await her next move”. To this day I have never listened to another Florence & the Machine release. In fact 2009 was full of artists- Grizzly Bear, Damian Lazarus, Andrew Bird, The Veils, AC Newman, Animal Collective- that I was enthused to be introduced to for the first time but  never even listened to another album by. It was a year of brief musical humps that I enjoyed for a while but quickly forgot all about once 2010 started

-However, the top 3 albums are all absolute classics, the best the year had to offer by a ridiculous distance, and obviously even back then I had an inkling which albums were most likely to survive

-“Finn Andrews is probably closer to Miley Cyrus than Sean Lennon in terms of rock royalty”. Is that a really funny line? I’m really not sure, what was Miley Cyrus doing in 2009??

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-The Surgical Spirit reference has bamboozled me, it ran from 1989-1995 yet here I am nearly 15 years after it finished describing it as ‘long running’. Bizarreness bordering on the hysterical

-Wow, just as I’m writing this year’s list as a lazy mess I go that extra mile and add an accent to ‘Bublé’

-It is a terribly written list though: clunky prose, dull and endless entries that say nothing, horrendously hackneyed phrases, unfunny attempts at jokes and oh dear GOD so po-faced and humourless in places

-“…the kind of bored disdain usually reserved for Louis Walsh”. Wow, really had it in for Louis this year

-“‘Whatever’s To Be Done With Such a Palaver’, ‘I Wish I’d Never Even Been Born’ and the hit single ‘It’s My Duty To Be Delightfully Despondent Doris’”: my game is strong when it comes to fake Morrissey songs

-I never heard Future of the Left’s first album, nor much of McClusky, but I’m impressed with my blagging. Describing them as ‘one of the most important’ bands in Britain is a bit much though…

-Rare usage of the verb ‘to Geoff Cape’

-“hooks so big you could hang Mussolini on them”: I use that fucking line every year

-“one of the most intriguing recording career in modern British music”, “one of the finest British dance record released this decade”, “One of the finest lyricists this country’s ever produced”…. Enough with the grand statements!!

-“Pigeon Detectives/Scouting for Girls/The Wombats/The Automatic/Jack Penate/The Feeling/etc… they’re all so adverse to character and personality that the only way you could tell them apart is by burning them all alive and then checking their dental records”. Boom! We’re back in the room, this list is saved by that line

-OK, I’ll take the top 3 and Animal Collective’s album, but that’s it, you hear?

-“…the kaleidoscopic possibilities of pop music”: oh fuck off Alex…

-“…dressed like Andy Pandy’s difficult adolescence” the writing is improving nassiveltoward the end, I just think that Andrew Bird review that opens the top 20 is the dullest piece of written word commited to time by human hangs

-Ouch, ragging on Peaches Geldoff? Too soon. Like, way too soon, 5 years at least

-“… it imagines a time in the not-to-distant future when Jack White suffers a nervous breakdown and decides to join a band of travelling minstrels”: yeah, pretty sure that happened in 2011

-“equally admired by the beard-strokers and the whistle-blowers”: nice…

-Just imagine how good the Fuckbuttons album would have to be for me to even consider allowing it to finish ahead of that Manics album!

-You know what? Some of the writing here isn’t all bad…

 

2010 when I can be arsed!

 

xx

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30. Julian Casablancas: Phrazes for the Young

Strokes man’s debut shows flashes of his band’s breezy melodic charm and- clocking in at a massive eight tracks- their prodigious work rate. ‘Fourth Dimension’ is so good it’s presumably illegal

29. Geoffrey Gurrumul Yunupingu

Blind Aborigine folk singer mixes traditional styles with more contemporary western guitar music to create a deeply satisfying experience for anyone who chose to actually listen to it rather than just display it on their coffee table.

28. Jarvis Cocker: Further Complications

Steve Albini produced second effort with enough great songs to just about avoid mid-life crisis classification

27. Blakroc: Blakroc

Blues revivalists The Black Keys team up with the cream of creditable US hip-hop to create a record that somehow entirely avoids being in any way cringe-worthy. Would be a lot higher if it wasn’t released just a week ago.

26. Various Artists: Cathedral Classics volume 1

Fantastic first retrospective from London label Sonic Cathedral, just don’t call it shoe-gazing Ok?

25. Mastodon: Crack the Skye

Mind-blowingly accomplished and unashamedly ludicrous- the best metal album of the year by about six furlongs

24. Jay-Z: The Blueprint 3

Another perfectly great modern hip-hop album, but you get the feeling it’s the kind of solid effort Jay-Z could fart off under his bedclothes without even bothering to roll over. More off the wall efforts like the ingenious ‘D.O.A’ next time please.

23. Doves: Kingdom of Rust

Same old story with the Doves: spectacular first single (in this case the gorgeous title track) followed by undeniably accomplished but oddly underwhelming album. However, when their fourth album is good, it’s career best good.

22. MF Doom: Born Like This

Frequently fantastic, the best hip-hop album of the year is still let down by the inevitable wearisome skits and occasional homophobia that’s so unpleasant it’s almost impressive

21. Soulsavers: Broken

No, there isn’t a song as good as ‘Revival’, but while the Soulsavers’ second album with Mark Lanegan doesn’t quite scale the same peaks as the first, it’s a much more complete and satisfying body of work overall.

Top of Form

20. Super Furry Animals: Dark Days/Light Years

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Everyone loves the Super Furry Animals; it’s just a crying shame that most people don’t seem to realise it. Since 1996’s Fuzzy Logic– and seemingly without asking anyone’s permission- they’ve steadily built up a body of work that fully deserves to be ranked alongside any British band that still likes to think of themselves of a going concern, and yet have never truly threatened to breakthrough and sell any records beyond their devoted admirers (fact- every SFA album so far has sold exactly 172’027 copies each, which is the exact size of their fan base). Their ninth album was never likely to change that- being more of the same peculiarly Welsh brand of fried indie-rock psychadelica which they’ve made their own,-but it’s probably their best since 1999’s Guerrilla (or ‘Their best in a decade’ if you think that would look more eye-catching on the posters) and exhibits the kind of sparkle, energy and ingenuity you’d usually associate with barely pubescent bands who buy their trousers in a can, rather than a disheveled band of cagoule wearing Welshman who generally look like the kind of provincial loners you see on local news being charged with sending threatening letters to Fiona Phillips.

The highlights of Dark Days… are among the highlights of the band’s entire career: ‘Mt’ is a commendably restrained attempt to invent glam-folk, ‘The Very Best of Neil Diamond’ somehow manages to live up to the glory of its title by being a dark-tinged pop masterpiece with a hook on it so large you could hang you cagoule on it, and the album is bookended by ‘Crazy Naked Girls’ and ‘Pric’, two tracks that pull off that rare trick of being psychedelic jams and not making you want to clean out your ears with sandpaper. ‘Inaugural Trams’, however, is the album’s (and, in terms of singles, possibly the year’s) one indisputable classic, and can probably be considered one of the top ten songs ever written about the construction of a German town’s transport system. It’s both admirably insane and endlessly inventive, and in proving that it’s possible to sound deliriously happy without sounding either hackneyed or inane it sounds like the theme tune to the coolest children’s TV show ever. As a bonus, it also gives new credence to that old phrase ‘Why have a guitar solo when you can just rope in the guitarist from Franz Ferdinand for a few lines of German spoken word?’

While the highs on Dark Days… are positively Snowdonian, they do cast a shadow that certain parts of the album can’t help but wither in. While it’d be harsh to call any of the tracks here truly bad, it’s fair to say the skip button on your remote control will be getting a work out as the likes of ‘Inconvenience’, ‘Where Do You Wanna Go?’ and ‘Lilwiau Llachar’ (The inevitable Welsh song) just sound pedestrian and uninventive in their stellar company, giving the album a slightly uneven feel, and hold the record back from being truly great.

19. Andrew Bird: Noble Beast

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Nature’s rubbish isn’t it? It gets all over you, it’s hard to wash off, it’s seemingly 90% composed of shit, it flies up your sinuses, it drops into your drink, it falls from trees with nary a care for who’s supposed to clean it up, it seems to have a irrational phobia of noxious industrial fumes, it grows where you don’t need nor want it and meekly withers and dies when you attempt to meet it half way and encourage it. Chicago multi-instrumentalist (one of those words which are only ever encountered written down, and with good reason) Andrew Bird may not completely agree with this, his fourth solo album is as bucolic as the chewed end of a piece of straw, a sumptuously organic piece of work that evocates the natural world with no little flair. It’s an extraordinarily detailed album, so incredibly layered with violin, clacking percussion, double basses, flutes and dozens more instruments that even nearly twelve months after its release every listen seems to uncover some new device to ignite your attention. This meticulous approach to music making extends to Bird’s lyrics, with words mainly chosen for their sounds and tonal qualities rather than any actual meaning (although dropping lines like ‘The young in the larva stage orchestrating plays/ In vestments of translucent alabaster’ into day-to-day conversation is a great ice-breaker).

If that sounds a little pretentious, then you haven’t heard the half of it. Andrew Bird’s main failing is that he can occasionally lose track of himself in attempting to impress the listener, very occasionally the songs can briefly tumble over the fine line separating ‘very good’ with merely ‘very impressive’. And you can practically see the grin on his face as he contemplates how he got away with opening an album with the line ‘In the salsify mains of what was thought but unsaid/ All the calcified arithmetists were doing the math’. One of the songs is called Nomenclature for Christ’s sake…

However, it seems extremely churlish to bemoan a brilliantly smart and gifted musician just for being aware that he is a brilliantly smart and gifted musician. With Noble Beast Andrew Bird has pulled off the difficult trick of creating a record that is on one hand endlessly inventive and experimental while on the other hand remaining faithful to some of the oldest forms of music known to man, it’s an album that has it’s eyes firmly on the future while and the same time never losing sight of its past. His best album; and I say that with the authority of someone who’s never heard any of the others. A fine whistler too…

18. Grizzly Bear: Veckatimest

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While Brooklyn’s Grizzly Bear may not operate entirely in the same ball park as Andrew Bird, they certainly play there for two hours every other Wednesday and frequently drink in the clubhouse. Beloved of Radiohead and other alternative types whose opinions generally elicit sage nods from the general media, their third album Veckatimest (a title I have generally avoided saying aloud) is further proof that artists can make innovative and modern-sounding music without resorting to a Lethal Bizzle guest spot or putting a donk on it. The album manages to splice in elements of psychedelica, chamber music, classical, folk, indie and more, while at the same time never threatening to jeopardize a commitment to melody that actually makes the record one of the most accessible albums released this year (a statement proved by it debuting in the US Billboard Top 10). However, just because the album is likeable enough to be so broadly appreciated doesn’t mean that it’s shallow or one-dimensional, in fact few other albums this year reward the patience of repeated listening and close examination as much, the record’s chief modus operandi of mid-tempo acoustic numbers can on initial listens conceal just how much has been crammed into each song- while the record may superficially sound like one that has been recorded mainly under the influence of folk, it’s actually the stench of prog-rock that more wafts over this album, like Genesis have left the toilet door open a few feet away. What the album most calls to mind is the ultimately unfinished and occasionally radically experimental recordings that Jeff Buckley intended to be his second album (where you can clearly map his influences moving away from Billie Holiday and more to The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway), so you could conceivably give Veckatimest the high praise that it’s the album Jeff Buckley would make if he were alive today.

If Veckatimest has one flaw, it’s that it’s forced me to attempt to correctly spell the Native American for a small Massachusetts island three times in less than 400 words. If it has two flaws however, it’s that the record can be so one-paced and pleasant sounding that it sounds like it’s almost demanding to be played in the background and shies away from close examination. If it were played in a pub while your friends and you fiercely debated the reasons Jaffa Cakes aren’t ‘Jaffa Biscuits’ there would be tellingly few moments (the drums on ‘Southern Point’, the last 90 seconds of ‘While You Wait for the Others’ and ‘I Live With You’…) that would truly prick your ears up and stop listening to your friend describe the baking process. But that may just be nitpicking (and when I’m discussing Jaffa Cakes, occasionally a nuclear bomb won’t stop me having my say), the simple fact of the matter is that is unlikely any other album on this list was as widely liked as Vecktatimest, whether these people were brave enough to attempt to pronounce its title or not.

17. Antony and the Johnsons: The Crying Light

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Perversely, the main drawback of the third album by everyone’s favourite Nina-Simone-voiced-Giant-Haystacks-sized-Sonya-Jackson-look-alike Antony Hegarty is that it’s exactly the album he wanted to make, and achieves precisely what it sets out to do. Amongst all the hoo-ha and accusations that surrounded Antony’s 2005 Mercury Music Prize victory, it’s often forgotten what an absolutely astounding record I Am a Bird Now was, and is, an utterly jarring yet entirely bewitching set of psychosexual baroque pop that should have plenty to say when people start thinking about the best albums of the last decade (‘the noughties’ if you prefer, or ‘the proppa nawties’ if you’re Danny Dyer). It also exposed Antony Hegarty to something dangerously close to fame- not quite Madonna levels of hysteria admittedly, but the kind of fame that prompts Richard Littlejohn to mention you in his Mail column while using the phrases ‘Give me Rod Stewart any day of the week’ and inevitably ‘You couldn’t make it up’- which goes some way to explain the near four year gap between the two albums. In response to the critical and commercial success of that album, for The Crying Light Antony has decided to reign in a greet deal of the flamboyance and drama that used to be pretty much his trademarks- gone are the operatic codas, the wailing torch songs and all the camp and circumstance that defined his greatest work, and as a result the album is so shockingly restrained and slight that in places it barely exists. It’s also wilfully uncommercial, with the great majority of the album made up of just Antony and a piano, with perhaps the tiniest hint of an orchestra, singing melodies so subtle you have to locate them with a magnifying glass. There’s a moment near the end of ‘Aeon’ where Antony suddenly calls out in that astonishingly beautiful voice of his ‘Oh that man I love SO MUCH!’ which honestly couldn’t be more shocking if he confessed to murdering Jill Dando while doing an impression of Louis Walsh, and it takes you a while to realise that it’s because it’s the only point in the album’s entire 40 minutes that the singer lets himself go for even just a millisecond- the rest of the album is repressed, studied and almost psychopathically restrained.

It’s also frequently brilliant and heartbreakingly beautiful (unsurprisingly, as Antony next album could be a track-by-track Oompah Band re-imagining of Aqua’s Aquarium album and he still couldn’t help himself making it exquisite enough to make even Fabio Capello weep), and so far ahead of any of his contemporaries that it’s almost embarrassing. Tracks like ‘Another World’, ‘Her Eyes are Underneath the Ground’ and the title track are so beautifully precious and ornate that you worry they’ll simply shatter if you talked over them. If the record does nothing else it provides further evidence of Antony Hegarty’s title of possibly the most singular and unique musical talent of his generation, even if I wish that his next record didn’t jettison quite so many of the things that made him so special in the first place.

16. Florence and the Machine: Lungs

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At times last year it seemed that the British music industry was simply desperate for Florence Welch to succeed, she was talked up as the Next Big Thing since around 1987, and all through 2008 as she released a handful of raw and uncommercial singles, they thrust a Brit award at her early this year and named her top of nearly every embarrassingly titled ‘ones to look out for’ polls (along the lines off ‘Tha Freshest Cold Meats Slammed On Tha Counter xx09xx’. That one was on Blue Peter.) and when her debut was finally released in July it was named on the Mercury shortlist within approximately seventy eight seconds, suggesting that it would’ve been nominated even if all it consisted of was recordings of Florence performing her favourite Eddie Large stand-up routines while riding a mechanical bull.

Thankfully Lungs contains enough brilliance to just about justify the cement mixer full of hype that it has been saddled with (hey, it’s my list and I can mix as many metaphors as I want to thank you very much), even if ultimately it’s a debut that promises a potentially great career rather than a truly great album in its own right. The album’s highs are generally wonderful enough to paper over its occasional duds, and it’s always great to see an artist as delightfully bizarre as Florence Welch- both in her slightly leftfield musical style and wonderfully odd and occasionally grotesque lyrical imagery- getting such mainstream attention. there aren’t many albums with a better opening one-two than the singles ‘Dog Days are Over’ and ‘Rabbit Foot (Raise It Up)’ (how on God’s green earth did that only limp to number 12 in the charts?! This is a country that gave The Black Eyed Peas two number one singles this year for fuck’s sake), and ‘Howl’ and ‘Hurricane Drunk’ are hit singles in anything resembling a sane world. You know you’re at least partially onto a winner when you have the chutzpah to cover one of the greatest dance songs of the last 25 years (The Source and Candi Staton’s ‘You Got The Love’) and manage not to make it a complete affront to all that’s holy.

There are a few misfires though, ‘Kiss With a Fist’ is a slightly cack-handed White Stripes pastiche that sounds out of place (unsurprisingly, as it was originally released as a single more than a year before the album came out) and disrupts the albums flow, and ‘Girl With One Eye’ ramps the drama up to such ridiculously portentous levels that it makes the last night of the proms sound like a Steve Albini production. In future Florence may also like to consider a dash of subtly every now and then, her singing style, although impressive, only seems to have two settings- ‘belting’ and ‘Shirley Bassey’, and her habit of finishing each and every song by singing the chorus one more time but even louder begins to grate by the albums close.

Debut albums aren’t meant to be perfect though, and these are relatively minor quibbles. As a first taste engineered to make you eagerly await her next move, Lungs does its job to perfection.

15. Yeah Yeah Yeahs: It’s Blitz!

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It’s amazing that, despite it being approximately 133 years since Elisha Gray first patented the first electronic musical synthesizer (back when Rick Wakeman was still a fresh-faced 28 year old) and 40 odd years since it was first used to make pop records, if your average guitar band decides to utilize the instrument a great section of the music press act as if it’s a staggeringly futuristic gesture akin to announcing your next album will be released solely through sat-navs. The Editors last album, for example, was praised for its modern use of the occasional Moog stab, when in reality all they’d done is moved their sound on from 1979 to about 1982.

The Yeah Yeah Yeahs’ move to a more electronic sound was actually not that far of a journey, most of their best moments have had at least one eye on the dance floor and their primal rhythmic sound has as much in common with krautrock (what a charmingly offensive name for a genre that is) than it has with the skinny denim of CBGBs. In creating their most polished (TV On the Radio’s Dave Sitek further demonstrates his band’s recent Midas touch on co-production duties) and listenable album-and their best- to date the band have also rediscovered a sense of drive and purpose that was mainly absent from the reserved and meandering Show Your Bones album. Tracks such as ‘Runaway’ and especially ‘Hysteric’ easily rank amongst the band’s very best work and show that underneath their achingly hip exterior the band are more than capable of producing pretty great pop music.

However, if the Yeah Yeah Yeahs ultimate goal is to one day produce music that is as captivating and as charismatic as their front-woman, they fall ever so slightly short once again here. Karen O dominates proceedings almost completely, exhibiting a voice able to seamlessly switch between disco queen, lovelorn balladeer and over stimulated eight-year-old, occasionally on the same line and crucially never stumbling into irritating yelping. The band’s music still sounds ever so slightly plodding- and strangely detached- in comparison, plus Nick Zimmer still has the kind of face past civilisations would have punched for sport, though I accept that second point may well be slightly irrelevant.

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It’s Blitz is the closest they’ve yet come though, and most importantly it reintroduces a great sense of fun which initially seemed one of their hallmarks but was largely jettisoned on their last record. There’s a sense of a band actually enjoying the process of making music which can’t help but rub off on the listener- the sense of blissful abandon as ‘Heads Will Roll’ collapses into near chaos is one of the greatest musical pleasures put to disk this year. It’s all more than enough to make you hope they’re still taking as much pleasure out of what they do when they come round to their next album.

14. The Veils: Sun Gangs

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As the son of XTC’s keyboardist, Finn Andrews is probably closer to Miley Cyrus than Sean Lennon in terms of rock royalty, but he’s still wise enough to bypass any accusations of industry favouritism by cannily limiting his fanbase to about eight people. His third album (the rest of the band are essentially session musicians that have changed with each record, if it aids your enjoyment of the record in any way feel free to picture him being backed by whoever you want- the cast of long-running BBC sitcom Surgical Spirit for example) was never likely to catapult his band to Michael Bublé levels of fame, but after forty minutes of near exemplary song craft and striking eclecticism you can’t help but wonder why The Veils aren’t annoyingly ubiquitous.

Fortunately, Andrews is so convinced of his music’s importance that his own conviction is the equivalent of at least six million devoted fans, plus perhaps a couple of Grammies and a Nobel Prize for Literature. Sun Gangs is an album utterly convinced of its life-changing potential, and doesn’t think it’d be appropriate to crack a smile in the face of such significance. From the choral-like opener ‘Sit Down By the Fire’ the album is awash with grand gestures and grandiose orchestration, to the point where the atypically underplayed closer ‘Begin Again’ sounds like the entire record collapsing with exhaustion like an athlete after a marathon or, perhaps more appropriately, an enthusiastic forty minute wank.

As irritating as it is to admit, given my proud British commitment to seeing any such self-belief fall straight on its arse, a great deal of Sun Gangs near enough justifies its own confidence. Despite its thick and multifaceted instrumentation, its mostly delicately composed enough never to descend into cheap pomp and bluster, and when at its very best can invest tracks such as the eight minute ‘Larkspur’ and ‘It Hits Deep’ with such elegant splendour that you almost don’t feel embarrassed calling them ‘epic’. The record’s devotion to eclecticism and experimentation puts other bands’ tedious imagination-vacuums to shame, and while it’s occasionally grating and overwrought it’s never boring. It also helps that Andrews is actually a pretty great songwriter, and wisely decides to augment his grand vision with half-decent tunes; ‘The Letter’ and ‘Three Sisters’ are textbook melodic rock songs, and the almost distastefully entertaining ‘Killed by the Boom’ is a riotous high-point. It would be nice if Williams himself chose a more subtle way of portraying emotion rather than singing each line like he was about to burst into tears, but Sun Gangs’ numerous achievements mean it’s more likely you’ll be on his side come the album’s end.

13. Ian Brown: My Way

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Ok, let’s get this out of the way: Stone-Roses, Stone Roses, Stone Roses, Spike Island, Stone Roses, baggy clothes, Top of the Pops with Happy Mondays, Stone Roses, John Squire, Fools Gold, Waterfall, Spike Island, debut album: hooray!/overrated, second album; boo!/underrated, Stone Roses, John Squire, Spike Island, I Wanna Be Adored, John Squire, Stone Roses.

Can we start now? Good. Along with his Mancunian compatriot Morrissey Ian Brown must have accepted a long time ago that a certain well-loved and influential band he may have fronted in the 80s* will never be truly put to bed, no matter how many times you respond to reunion questions with the kind of bored disdain usually reserved for Louis Walsh.

The issue must be particularly exasperating for Brown, as while Morrissey has generally produced Smiths-lite solo work while gradually sliding more into self-parody (his latest solo album includes the songs ‘Whatever’s To Be Done With Such a Palaver’, ‘I Wish I’d Never Even Been Born’ and the hit single ‘It’s My Duty To Be Delightfully Despondent Doris’) Ian Brown has admirably ploughed a much more esoteric solo path. Even taking into account the consistently high quality of his solo work to date, the sheer quality of the songs on his sixth (that’s sixth!) solo album is still something of a shock. On My Way Brown pushes melody to the forefront of his music like he’s never done since… y’know… and as a result the album is by some distance his strongest collection of songs yet. Brown says he used Thriller as his blueprint for an album where every track was a potential hit single, and it seems to have worked in irradiating the tuneless skunk-fuelled dirges that occasionally marred his previous albums (only the lifeless ‘Crowning of the Poor’- regrettably placed at track two- manages to evade the screening process to become the album’s ‘The Girl is Mine’). Ian Brown has an almost naïve approach to making music where he develops ideas that most artists would reject as being ridiculous at the inception stage (mariachi cover of Zager and Evans’ ‘In the Year 2525’? Motown-esque torch song? R n’B ballads?) and then having a crack at them with such stubborn zeal that the sheer charm of the enterprise mostly fills in any flaws in the music.

His voice, however, is truly, truly atrocious. The fact that Brown has a voice that frequently resembles the torture of various land mammals, or that in more than twenty years of professional singing he has only ever managed to hit one note (the rarely used key of ‘Naaaaar’), is hardly news, but in the past he has been acutely aware of his limitations of a singer and his solo career and has written songs that rarely required his voice to rise above a growl. Here, the new focus on melody and tunes has exposed his voice like never before, and it’s not too unfair to say that at some points it sounds so bad that a person coming to this album having never heard any of Brown’s work before would surely presume it was a joke. The sheer quality of his song writing occasionally deserves a better voice to do it justice, and the fact that Ian Brown initially wrote lead single (and stand-out track) ‘Stellify’ for Rihanna hints that his future plans may lie in becoming modern R n’B’s most unlikeliest song-writer for hire.

*Is there a more ridiculously over depicted period of music than 1980’s Manchester?? Do we need a new book every week where the bass player from Crispy Ambulance gives ‘his side’ of the story? Is there anyone who doesn’t know that ‘Blue Monday’ lost money on every copy sold?

12. Future of the Left: Travels with Myself and Another

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There’s a song on here called ‘Stand By Your Manatee’. I think that alone justifies this album’s position, but if for some reason you need more reason then read on by all means:

Cardiff’s Future of the left formed following the collapse (I think I’m legally obliged to use the phrase ‘from the ashes’) of the criminally underappreciated McClusky back in 2005 and, to put it frankly, they make the kind of rock music that puts nearly every other guitar band in Britain to shame.

While FOTL’s debut album was undoubtedly impressive in parts its spiky guitars and angular rhythms were still unmistakeably the work of two thirds of McClusky, and as a result it struggled somewhat to establish its own identity as the work of great band in its own right as opposed to just a very good side project. Their second album comprehensively does away with any such concerns though, fleshing out their sound marvellously and presenting a strong case for the band to be considered, at least potentially, as one of the most important in Britain.

Musically FOTL are a thrilling mixture of the dumbest visceral jolts of heavy metal and the high-brow artiness, complex song structures and jagged rhythms of post-punk, all the while still writing tunes that your postman could still whistle as he contemplated his next strike. The sheer joy the band exhibit in making music that’s frequently leftfield and yet never loses sight of the mosh-pit (FOTL are one of those delightfully archaic bands that’s naïve enough to believe that making music their fans may actually enjoy may not be an entirely bad thing), plus the fact that they’re savvy enough to realise that if something’s worth taking serious it’s also worth making a joke out of, positions the band as probably the closest thing this country has produced to the brain-frazzling brilliance of System of a Down, the difference being that those uncultured, stupid and irony-unacquainted Americans have made SOAD one of the biggest bands in the country while Britain’s indifference toward Future of the Left means they’d struggle to sell out their own front room.

Lyrically though, FOTL are simply on a different plane to most of their peers. Singer Andy Falkous can write words that are at once hilarious, profound, nonsensical, crude, sad, joyous, obtuse, blunt, unflinchingly honest and scathingly sarcastic, and proof to any budding songwriters out there that there is some middle ground between meaningless pseudo-emotional guff (‘I climbed the mountain and saw that the storm was too pure/ I need to see your eyes to fly back to the shore’) and over-earnest eulogies on ‘serious’ issues (where every song has to mention a non-specific group of people who ‘Got no home’). Any writer who can wittily articulately deconstruct such diverse subjects as rampant consumerism (‘Drink Nike’), Rupert Murdoch (‘Lapsed Catholics’) and the mundane nature of evil (‘You Need Satan More Than He Needs You’), while never losing track of how important it is to open a song with a line as good as ‘Slight bowel movements/ Preceded the bloodless coup’ deserves all the praise he gets.

11. Arctic Monkeys: Humbug

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Ridiculous as it may sound, is there any chance we may have underestimated the Arctic Monkeys? Yes, we all loved them when they shuffled into the limelight as fresh-faced nine-year-olds a few years back, forgiving them for treating every interview and media appearance with an enthusiasm they usually reserved for their school’s BCG injections, we thrilled to their cheeky tales of fruit machines, chips, and all other sorts of things that conveniently have long been shorthand in large parts of the press for the Northern working class, and we were all charmed by a singer who sung in a voice more usually heard on stage at the end of Blackpool Pier sometime in the 1930s. But did anyone truly expect them to turn into a band of such substance?

Their debut album exhibited an extraordinarily accomplished song-writing ability, and potentially marked out Alex Turner as a truly brilliant lyricist, but it was such a relief to finally find a British rock band that might have an appeal beyond four blokes wearing trilbies in some Camden gastro-pub that it was possibly overrated in some quarters, there’s a strange lack of depth and invention to the music, and there was always the creeping suspicion that this was as good as it was going to get. However, their second album Favourite Worst Nightmare was twice as good and ten times as coherent- and as is traditional with these things sold about one tenth as much- and coming so soon after their debut clearly marked out the band’s intention for their career to follow a more abstruse and musically challenging path than anyone could have initially predicted.

Roping in Queens of the Stone Age’s Josh Homme to produce their third album sent out a pretty clear signal of intent too: this record was never going to be accused of being ‘a bit heavy on the ballads’. Homme’s beefy production injects about 600mls of anabolic steroids straight into the eyeballs of nearly every track, to the extent that most of the songs strain their muscles so much they’re in danger of popping a blood vessel. Make no mistake, this is a heavy album, and at least initially the band’s more muscular and aggressive sound is as surprising as it is exciting. The experiment works a lot better than you might expect, with neither the songs nor Alex Turner’s voice (a lot deeper and devious sounding here than before) rising to the challenge of not being flattened by the sonic onslaught. It’s hard to shake the feeling though that maybe the Monkeys are trying that little bit too hard to prove their brawniness, especially with the coolest kid in school in the recording studio with them. While the sound they make is undoubtedly thrilling and, you begin to wonder how genuine the change in direction is, which can’t help but lead to a slightly detached experience.

There’s also the creeping suspicion that the Geoff Capesing of their sound may have seen the baby being discarded with the bathwater somewhat, as the sledgehammer approach of many of the tracks comes at the loss of much of the charm that was a big part of their old appeal. Once ‘Cornerstone’ slides into view though you simply won’t care anymore- a song so comprehensively lovely that it’s already been invited to be a guest on the Alan Titcshmarch show, and built around a melody that’s so instantly memorable you assume it’s been around since medieval times. The fact that Turner spins so much pathos, beauty and meaning out of what is essentially a tale of getting off with someone you meet in a pub is just one example among many on this record (see also his acknowledgment of the charged erotic potential of Pick n’ Mix on ‘Crying Lightning’) that he is fast growing into one of the greatest lyricists this country has ever produced.

10. AC Newman: Get Guilty

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There’s no doubt that, love her or hate her (and I’ve bounced between the two poles so much I could be doing a beep test), Lady Gaga is a brilliant pop star (bear with me here, I’ve decided to tackle this using the scenic route); she’s provocative, ridiculous, completely deluded about her own importance, entirely pretentious while at the same time utterly stupid and totally committed to appearing most unlike a normal person as possible (she’s even got her own ‘removed two ribs’/’12 pounds of semen pumped from stomach’ style urban myths built up around her allegedly being a hermaphrodite- she’s truly in the big leagues now). She’d pretty much be the perfect pop star then, if her songs were actually half-decent. Oh come on admit it; save perhaps ‘Paparazzi’ her music’s absolutely terrible, ‘Poker Face’ especially sounds like a Roland 303 suffering an aneurysm, no sane person would buy that shit if it was released by some personality vacuum like Rachel Stevens.

So it proves that the cosmos does occasionally like to even these things out that the year’s best pop record came via the second solo album from a 41 year-old erstwhile front man of The New Pornographers whose visual style generally just suggests that he’s been painting the back bedroom. Regardless, Get Guilty is a master-class in punchy choruses and hooks so big you could hang Mussolini on them, each of its twelve tracks is a mini-masterpiece of no-flab song-writing so tight it’s actually quite obscene to look at from some angles. ‘Catchy’ isn’t necessarily a positive description when it comes to pop music, even the sound of badger cubs been rhythmically thrown against a bus shelter will probably have you tapping your toes by around the two minute mark, but Newman rescues the word’s reputation by managing to craft songs that manage to be certified crowd-pleasers without ever resorting to pandering to the lowest common denominator. There were few more immediate songs released this year than the likes of ‘The Palace at 4am’ and ‘The Changeling (Get Guilty’, but beneath the surface of sledgehammer power pop each song is actually rather delicately put together, with surprisingly nuanced string arrangements complimenting the blitzkrieg of the central instruments.

Lyrically Newman generally deals in oblique impressionistic statements that are either intriguingly complex riddles that display an admirable respect for the listener’s intelligence, or garbled rubbish lazily masquerading as deep meaning, depending on what side of bed you got out of this morning (although personally I can’t help but admire anyone with the chutzpah to open an album with a lyric as arch as ‘There are maybe ten or twelve things I could teach you/ After that well I think your on your own/ And that wasn’t the first line, it was the tenth or twelfth/ Make of that what you will’).

Get Guilty doesn’t break any new ground, nor does it offer anything particularly new or innovative, but it never purports to, and as an uncomplicated and honest (isn’t it a pisser when you get a dishonest album? I once had a Tom Petty album that kept drinking my milk and then claiming it was my flatmate) collection of pop songs it’s pretty hard to beat

The Most disappointing albums of 2009

5. Deadmau5: Random Album Title

Fantastic album of course, but it would have walked into this list if it I hadn’t only just found out it was released in November 2008. Curse my admirably strict selection policy

4. Kasabian: West Ryder Pauper Lunatic Asylum

After the great strides made on 2006’s Empire, this just seemed like a bit of a step back into half-hearted psychadelica and tired sixties imitation.

3. Bat for Lashes: Two Suns

Natasha Khan follows her excellent debut with an overproduced second that sounds so in thrall to her influences it occasionally lurches into pastiche.

2. Eminem: Relapse

Better than the almost fascinatingly awful Encore, but still the strained and underwhelming efforts of a once essential and important artist with nothing else to say; ‘My mom, I’m bet you’re sick of hearing about my mom’-well… yes, frankly

1. Regina Spektor: Far

Terrible. If her last album, the fantastic Begin to Hope, occasionally threatened to slip into radio-friendly blandness, Far dives right into the deep end, completely shedding all traces of her personality in pursuit of the Starbucks dollar. Worse, every time she attempts to inject a modicum of her trademark weirdness it comes out as the sort of self-consciously ‘kooky’ crap that the writers of Friends would reject as being too eye-gougingly irritating; ‘We built ourselves a computer/ Out of macaroni pieces’- Aaaaaaaaaaarrghh!!!

9. Micachu and the Shapes: Jewellery

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You have to question the work rate of the average student nowadays when 21 year-old Mika Lee aka Micachu seems to have enough spare time from studying composition at Guildhall School of Music to not only build up a reputation as one of the country’s most promising remixer/producers (including a production spot on Speech Debelle’s Mercury prize winning debut) but also form a band to record this beguilingly bizarre debut album. God help us if there’s a war. Another war that is.

It’s hard to think of a more peculiar and idiosyncratic debut album released in recent years, Micachu’s fearless experimentation and refusal to accept any accepted song writing rules firmly marks her out as a worthy heir to the likes of Captain Beefheart, although musically is difficult to trace any significant musical influences at all. In fact you could go as far as to say that Jewellery sounds like the work of people who have never actually heard music before, but have read an article about it in the Independent on Sunday and have gamely decided to give it a whirl. The infectious speed-punk of ‘Just In Case’ and the delightfully summery single ‘Golden Phone’ are probably the only songs on the album that makes some sort of concession to conventional song-structure, even if it’s a song-structure so frenetically unhinged that it’s sectioned under the mental health act before it can reach three minutes, otherwise the record is a dizzyingly avant-garde collection of songs that delight in completely subverting and rejecting any accepted musical rules, and shows that doing something completely wrong can sometimes seem so right.

Of course, making wilfully contradictory music can be the easiest thing in the world if it’s just done for the sake of it (no one was rushing to call me a genius when I released my album of looped train station announcements backed by the sound of two food processors. And yet I still managed to convince Busta Rhymes to appear on a track), the most impressive thing about Jewellery is how it demonstrates how unwavering invention and individualism doesn’t have to come at the expense of writing brilliant pop songs. Songs like ‘Calculator’ and ‘Vulture’ may sound at times like radio-waves picked up from other dimensions, but they’re still deliciously infectious pieces of music, just as likely to beckon you onto the dance floor as they are to illicit sage nods and much stroking of chins with a delightfully erudite time signature. Despite all it’s quirks, bells and whistles, Turn Me Well is actually a ballad for Christ’s sake, and I for one believe a campaign should be started to install it as the ‘X Factor’s winner’s song (they can decide themselves whether or not to include the vacuum cleaner solo. That’s not a joke).

Whether you like the record or not, surely everyone agrees that we need albums like Jewellery to arrive every now and then if only to remind us that there still exists an outlet and a platform for artists attempting to push music’s boundaries and explore possibilities outside the accepted norms, and that there are still record companies willing to take risks on such artists, even if it’s unlikely to sell more than a few thousand copies (thanks once again to Geoff Travis and Rough Trade). The omission of possibly the year’s most inventive and unique album from the weakest Mercury shortlist in years was puzzling to say the least, but it’s hard not to see Micachu submitting many, many more extraordinary records for consideration over the course of what promises to be one of the most intriguing recording career in modern British music.

8. The Wild Beasts: Limbo Panto

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A wise man once declared that ‘ridicule is nothing to be scared of’ (and to be fair to Adam Ant you could never accuse him of not walking it like he talks it) and you imagine Kendal’s Wild Beasts, a band that almost actively encourage small-minded scorn and derision, have the quote taped to the inside of their lockers.

One of the more disheartening developments of the latter part of this decade has been British indie music’s listless descent into possibly the least daring and innovative music being made on the planet. There were points in recent years where it seemed almost every genre of music- from underground hip-hop to ‘throwaway’ manufactured pop- were ripping up music’s rulebook and creating music that was at once unfathomably weird and entirely fabulous, while all the while British indie elected to stay sipping watered down snakebite in the same Camden pub while trying to pluck up the courage to talk to Graham Coxon. It’s not just that Pigeon Detectives/Scouting for Girls/The Wombats/The Automatic/Jack Penate/The Feeling/etc released music so dreary and uninspired that their Cds actually suck the inventiveness and excitement out of any other record in a four foot radius, it’s that they’re all so adverse to character and personality that the only way you could tell them apart is by burning them all alive and then checking their dental records.

Thank God for the Wild Beasts then; a British indie band that sees music as a universe of endless possibilities rather than a dilapidated shed of restrictions and rules. Their 2008 debut Limbo Panto was an ideal introduction to a band whose layered and rattling indie was at once theatrically antiquated and strangely futuristic; who possessed a singer whose piercing falsetto could disrupt telephone signals; and who aren’t too po-faced to turn down song titles as brilliant as ‘Brave Bulging Buoyant Clairvoyants’ and ‘Cheerio Chaps Cheerio Goodbye’. Most importantly it gave the impression of a band that valued the importance of standing out in a crowd above all else, which could only be immensely refreshing.

Their second album came out barely a year later, and shows a remarkable amount of progression for such a relatively short period of time. While slightly muted first single ‘Hooting and Howling’ (the slowest of slow burners which makes much more sense as an album track) may have been a bit of red herring, Two Dancers is a slightly more restrained album than its predecessor, with the songs taking a more insidious approach than Limbo Panto’s occasional aural blitzkrieg. This unsurprisingly means its impact isn’t as immediate, and on the initial listens you can’t help but yearn for the less subtle bombardments of their debut. It’s a gamble by the band that richly pays off when Two Dancers eventually reveals itself not only to be an infinitely more coherent and accomplished album than their debut, but brilliant enough to see the band promoted tentatively into British rock’s premier division. It’s a wonderfully cohesive and deliberate record where songs seem to be included and sequenced according to mood and lyrical themes rather than picking names from a hat- there’s a definite underlying theme of sensual pleasure, from the lush and occasionally dreamy music to the lyrical tales of sex, gluttony and dreams. However, any fears that the band’s more polished and accomplished sound may have been at the expense of their more idiosyncratic tendencies are thankfully unfounded; there are few other bands that would open an album with the line ‘This is a booty call/ My boot, my boot up your arsehole’.

7. Animal Collective: Meriwether Post Pavilion

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About once a year, usually around early Autumn, music writers and critics the world over down tools and seemingly come to an agreement to praise one certain album to such a unanimous and admirably consistent extent that not only would casual observers be forgiven for any assumptions of chemotherapeutic capacities on the record’s part, but also that the album’s merit become less about subjective opinion and actually enters the realm of scientifically proved fact. Last year the music press mysteriously decided en masse and apparently spontaneously that The Fleet Foxes’ debut was the only thing missing in our sad and fetid lives, and this year they elected to shower admiration on the ninth album by a Baltimore collective you could only previously imagine earning this level of mainstream attention by collectively punching the Queen. Of course when faced with this geyser of fawning praise any rational and level-headed human being will take it upon themselves to track said record down and start hating it as soon as possible.

And there are things to dislike here if you’re willing to look, and I was practically booking days off work, but Meriwether Post Pavilion (even the title just begs you to hate it) is such an impressive and charming slice of progressive pop that to force yourself not to like it would be practically self-abuse. Put simply no other album this year was as utterly smitten with the kaleidoscopic possibilities of pop music. Not content with just referencing every genre and style of music, there are moments on Meriwether… where you’d swear the band were determined to include every possible honk, bell, whizz, zoom or simply every possible noise that could be made by recorded sound. There’s a the sense of hyperactive excitement of a group of eight year olds finding the keys to the sweet shop, and initially it sounds just as chaotic- the sheer depth and vivaciousness of the musical onslaught, from the choral harmonies to the aggressive tribal drumming, at first just leaves the listener craving a lie down. Eventually though the album reveals a set of captivating songs and sweetly delicate melodies hidden within its sonic tapestry that makes it a record always intended to appeal to more than just the hipster crowd.

However beneath all the wit, invention and infectious sense of playfulness there remains a curious lack of heart here that renders the album a difficult one to truly love. It’s the musical equivalent of a Spike Jonze movie- there’s a delightful sense of good-natured anarchy and an admirable devotion to stretching the boundaries of their respective mediums, but there’s a sense of arch quirkiness and emotional-detachment that makes it very hard to envision truly taking it to heart.

Essentially though the album’s only real failing is that it was perhaps a bit overenthusiastically received (both the album and its opening track ‘My Girls’ were even featured in the top ten of several critics lists of the best albums/songs of the decade, which is dangerously close to being clinically hysterical), to not be utterly charmed by such a good-natured, blissful and occasionally almost childlike collection of pop songs would be a curmudgeonly act akin to not liking Susan Boyle (you know who you are you black-hearted bastards).

6. The Horrors: Primary Colours

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There are not many things in life more disheartening than when one of your favourite artists makes a bad album. Not an interesting but ultimately flawed attempt at experimentation, or one that perhaps doesn’t push their sound forward as much as you’d hope, but an album that’s simply, unequivocally bad. Uninspired, overlong, so dull it induces tears, lacking in wit, invention, or indeed any apparent idea of what made them so great in the first place, you practically spend the next couple of years pacing the room nervously awaiting their next album to see if this one stinker was a blip or the start of an inexorable decline. This feeling of helplessness and confusion though is nothing to the conflicting emotions that arise when an artist you absolutely despise completely fucks you over by releasing an album that’s indisputably fantastic.

There are few bands in existence that stimulate my spleen quite like The Horrors; they arrived in a blizzard of hype a couple of years ago dressed like Andy Pandy’s difficult adolescence, their music was a laughably incompetent facile of the Birthday Party with any sense of irony or chaos surgically removed, they bragged that on tour they would have competitions to see who could stay awake the longest seemingly unaware that such boasts are not so much typical of Hammer of the Gods-style rock n’ roll debauchery as they are of an eight year-old sleepover, and they generally acted like a bunch of public school boys playing at being in a goth band. Because they were. The singer went out with Peaches Geldof for Christ’s sake!

And on top of all that they have the impudence to then make an album as brilliant as Primary Colours, where do they get the nerve? Their second album is such a stratospheric improvement on their debut that it’s almost unfathomable, they entirely ditch the affected pseudo-punk incompetence of their first album in favour of an almost Kevin Shields-esque wall of sound, their clattering garage rock sound exchanged for an ambitious and daring mix of the best parts of synthesiser-led 80s Goth and the rhythmic slow burn of Krautrock. A band willing to take the enormous risk of alienating their fan base (and The Horrors do have a substantial cult following. It’s a following evidently made up of idiots, but it’s a following all the same) in order to pursue a more ambitious musical calling is impressive enough, but what’s really startling about Primary Colours is how natural the change of direction fits the band, and how accomplished it sounds from start to finish. ‘Who Can Say’, ‘Scarlett Fields’ and the title track are simply thrilling rushes of music, you’d have to be clinically dead not to be stirred by their squealing synthlines and unrelenting velocity, and yet the band also demonstrate that they aren’t afraid of slowing the pace- the funereal cello drone of ‘I Only Think of You’ and the epic ‘Sea Within A Sea’ (who would’ve previously thought The Horrors were capable of a seven and a half minute gig, never mind a song?) are among the most ingenious pieces of music released this year.

While there haven’t been many more enjoyable albums released this year, the fact of the matter is that the record is merely a very, very good approximation of other artist’s sounds, from Joy Division to the Cure to Echo and the Bunnymen, and while the songs are uniformly fantastic, being heavily influenced by a slightly different era of music does not equal true invention. Still, Primary Colours is an absolute blast, and you have to give the Horrors (and a lot of credit must also go to Portishead’s Geoff Barrow on production duties) their dues- I still think they’re bunch of arses, but at least now I can accept their right to exist.

5. The Decemberists: The Hazards of Love

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Of all the almost countless changes to music being brought about by the continuing rise of music downloading, perhaps the most significant and enduring is the considerable shift in power towards the consumer and away from the producers. Not only are the record companies in the ignominious position of practically begging each customer to pay for something that’s widely available for free (that anaemic Groove Armada remix b-side just doesn’t seem to cut it any more), but they no longer have the means to dictate to the customer how they receive their music. This not only means that the centuries old practice of hand-picking singles as promotion for albums (great first single, not quite as good second, rubbish ballad third, anonymous forth that limps to number 38) is now obsolete (if next week 500’000 people suddenly felt the urge to purchase ‘Cross My Heart’, the opening track from Ultrasound’s criminally underappreciated 1999 opus Everything Picture, then it would be number one), but also that people are going to start picking and choosing tracks off albums rather than experiencing it as a whole. While blind optimists have suggested this may spell the end of weak tracks on albums (artist’s don’t tend to make intentionally bad tracks, Morrissey didn’t listen to an almost finished version of The Queen is Dead and said ‘It’s lacking a certain naffness to it don’t you think? I do have this song called ‘Some Girls Are Bigger Than Others’…’), it may well make albums like The Hazards of Love even more rare than they are now.

Taken out of the context of the album the vast majority of the seventeen tracks on the Decemberists’ fifth album make very little sense, some are little more than minute long bursts of melody, others replicate the tunes of previous songs almost unerringly, recurring themes and motifs that surprise and delight when the album is listened to in its entirety merely confuse and irritate if taken in isolation. Not to mention the lyrics, which are elaborate and bewildering enough when they’re listened to in their entirety. This is an album designed specifically to be listened to from start to finish- in effect the record is one epic and ever-shifting song cut into bite-size chunks (understandably, as the prospect of a 40+ minute track would put the fear of prog into most right-thinking people) – it’s an album unafraid to be a tour de force; brazenly pretentious, frequently ludicrous and obscenely entertaining. Musically it imagines a time in the not-to-distant future when Jack White suffers a nervous breakdown and decides to join a band of travelling minstrels, as antiquated melodies and instruments are occasionally defibrillated with Zeppelinesque heavy guitar licks, which should seem as ridiculously out of place as Beowulf talking a quick timeout to update his Facebook Status but is pulled off so expertly – and electrifyingly- that the seams don’t even show. It purports to tell an elaborate tale of enchanted maidens, mischievous shape-shifters, ghosts, mad queens and sodding level 12 Cyber-Ogres for all I can fathom, but following the album’s labyrinthine and occasionally absurd completely isn’t a necessity, the ride is so much fun you won’t even notice that you don’t care. No album this year was so dedicated to creating a true listening experience, and while it’s far from perfect (some of the lyrics are straight out of ye olde rhyming dictionary- you constantly feel you’re only one step away from a ‘hey-nonny-noo’- and it does occasionally feel like maybe three melodies stretched out over seventeen tracks) but its uniqueness, invention and ambition- not to the mention the occasional ultra-gnarly guitar solo- more than merits its inclusion in the year’s top five

4. Damian Lazarus: Smoke the Monster Out

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As a former A&R man, a successful underground DJ for the best part of a decade and the founder of the Crosstown Rebels record label Damian Lazarus has been calmly making a bit of a name for himself in the kind of circles you and I would never be invited into over the past few years, while all the while garnering a reputation (mainly through his impeccable mixes on the City Rockers label) for eclectism and being generally unsatisfied with the restrictions of mainstream dance music. Still his debut album took everyone by surprise (well, everyone of the four dozen people who actually gave a shit), not just because of just how diverse and original the record was, but also because it’s probably one of the finest British dance record released this decade.

Smoke the Monster Out is an immense achievement, a demonstration of the kind of invention and risk-taking we should be demanding from a genre that once prided itself on being the sound of the future. While far from flawless, it frequently scales heights rarely achieved by any dance music in recent years, and even when its experiments occasionally don’t quite come off they are frequently interesting enough failures to merit inclusion anyway. What’s perhaps most impressive is that an album that showcases such a constantly shifting variety of styles (you have to applaud any album that finds room for both a gothic floor-filler built around a sample of Nick Cave’s ‘Red Right Hand’ and a straight cover of Scott Walker’s ‘It’s Raining Today’) manages not to sound disjointed or incoherent. While superficially the album’s style may seem inconsistent and occasionally contradictory, there’s a constant underlying theme of unseen horror and a creeping dread of unknown- and incomprehensible- danger first suggested in the album’s title that has led some critics to declare it almost an aural companion to the film ‘Pan’s Labyrinth’ in terms of exploring the darker extremes of human imagination.

The first three quarters of the record is a collection of tracks of unrelenting excellence and unshakeable purpose that almost floor you on first listen. The title track is a chilling instrumental that sets out the album’s stall perfectly, ‘Memory Box’ is a near-nauseating depiction of undirected rage, ‘King of Fools’ descends from a pleasantly inane opening into brilliant insanity and ‘Come and Play’ and ‘Neverending’ are simply four minute dance tracks of undeniable quality that would be equally admired by the beard-strokers and the whistle-blowers. The second track ‘Moment’ is undoubtedly the album’s piece-de-résistance however, and stands alone as one of the year’s most astounding musical achievements, starting off sounding like a close relative of Spiritualized’s ‘Ladies and Gentlemen We Are Floating in Space’ it builds to a truly astonishing cacophony of sound and voices and contains more genius and ambition in its eight and a half minutes than 99% of dance bands manage in their entire career.

However, listening to the album is like watching Usain Bolt slowing to a canter over the last quarter of the 100m- you can’t help but think ‘If you’d kept that pace up you would’ve really blown everyone away’. Smoke the Monster Out struggles to maintain its breathless velocity right to the album’s end, until it’s audibly wheezing past the finish line with twee garbage like ‘Bloop Bleep’ which almost completely wrecks the album’s deftly cultivated theme. It’s this bizarrely careless corrosion in the album’s quality that prevent the record from being a true modern masterpiece, the likes of which you wonder if Lazarus will ever come close to making again.

Other Things What I Done Liked This Year

Emmy the Great: We Almost Had a Baby

The latest in a long and distinguished line of pop songs that marry an impossibly sweet melody to a lyric that takes you until the tenth listen to realise may actually be about being raped.

Black Daniel: I Love You but Don’t Touch Me ‘cos You’re Sick

A contender for the ‘They-don’t-make-‘em-like-this-anymore-although-they-quite-obviously-do’ file, this Mudhoney referencing sinewy rocker was possibly the catchiest 180 seconds of the year.

Jordin Sparks: Battlefield

Power balladeering par excellence that somehow managed not to be number one for about six months, again demonstrating the shocking unreliability of the general public. Came with a video featuring the singer in a field surrounded by fireworks, which you just don’t see enough of nowadays

Marina and the Diamonds: Obsessions/ You Are Not a Robot/ Mowgli’s Road

Almost impossibly good debut trio of singles from the Welsh/Greek singer who seems all set to become Britain’s most interesting pop star when her (inevitably crushingly disappointing) debut album is released early in 2010

The Unthanks: The Testimony of Patience Kershaw

Gorgeous stuff from the country’s finest purveyors of Geordiefolk

The Wildbirds and Peacedrums: My Heart

Aural loveliness that proves yet again that the steel drum is the most criminally underused instrument in pop. Go on, try and name one bad song with a steel drum on it. You can’t can you?

Tegan and Sara: Sainthood

Superb album that would have walked into this year’s top ten if I hadn’t first heard it a week ago and could be arsed rearranging the entire list.

Susan Boyle: Wild Horses

It’s fucking great you bunch of ingrate snobs you

3. Fever Ray: Fever Ray

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The Knife are a funny old band. Not just for the way they shield their identity with almost religious zeal or that they’re both very probably certifiably insane (not in an eccentric ‘I think I’ll paint my face pink and buy myself a loudhailer!’ way either, more a ‘did I show you the shoes I made from the skin from my mother’s breasts?’ kind of insane), but also for the way that their body of work seems to be split almost exclusively into breathtakingly ingenious modern electro pop and the kind of cheaply produced pop slurry that Lithuania wouldn’t even consider entering into Eurovision, with pretty much no middle ground. I only mention this as the debut solo album from one half of The Knife (Karin Dreijer Andersson to her accountant) is so consistently sublime that serious questions have to be asked of her brother and band-mate Olof. One can only presume he owns a van.

The Fever Ray album is not only a better and far more complete record than anything Andersson has released in her day job, it also bears little similarity to the piercingly angular post-pop that The Knife tend to trade in, instead it’s a glacial and resolutely atmospheric record. Sonically it frequently bears more than a passing resemblance to Leftfield’s mid-90s masterpiece Leftism, especially in its frequent use of heavily synthesized and distorted ethnic music styles, be it Oriental motifs or the odd smattering of panpipes (so deftly used you even forget that panpipes are so abhorrent that even Satan’s disowned them), but on the whole it’s a work of outstanding individuality. The dark synthesized drone that underlies much of the album- coupled with Andersson frequently distorting and deforming her voice to the point where it begins to sound like a David Lynch attempt to rewrite Cher’s ‘Believe’- is at times jarring and even slightly nauseating for the listener, but this only adds to the effectiveness of a record designed to take you out of your comfort zone. Andersson has mentioned sleep deprivation as one of the main themes of the album, and there’s a lethargic unreality to tracks like the unsettlingly alien sounding ‘Concrete Walls’ that anyone who’s found themselves watching Live Casino on Channel 5 at 3am will immediately recognise. Having her first child shortly before writing the album (well that’ll explain the sleep deprivation) also provokes Andersson to write possibly the first songs ever about childbirth that don’t immediately make you want to introduce compulsory sterilization (see: ‘Isn’t She Lovely’ by Stevie Wonder, ‘Boy’ by John Lennon’, ‘Awwwww, Aren’t Her Feet Tiny?’ by Steely Dan etc), electing wisely to concentrate on the struggles to comprehend the innate strangeness of childbirth, and her entirely human fears for the great unknown of her child’s future (on album highlight ‘When I Grow Up’ she even synthetically distorts her voice in an attempt to sound like a child- albeit that child with a strange habit of stapling earthworms to their arms that your mum would run out of the house to stop you playing with).

Fever Ray is a brilliantly idiosyncratic piece of work, not to mention the always welcome sound of an artist making no concessions on their individuality and yet still making music that is gloriously listenable. It offers more proof that Scandinavian artists are currently light-years ahead of the rest of the world when it comes to cutting-edge pop music.

2. Manic Street Preachers: Journal for Plague Lovers

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Anyone out there still mystified as to what exactly it is that marks The Manics out as more than your average beat combo could do worse than consider ‘Peeled Apples’, the opening track from the band’s ninth studio album- there might possibly be another band that would furnish their album’s curtain-raiser with a chorus of ‘Rudderless horses on Chomsky’s Camelot/ Bruises on my hands from tearing my nails out’, but The Manics are certainly the only band who would do so while cribbing the melody from Heaven 17’s ‘Temptation’.

If there were such thing as a typical Manics album though, Journal for Plague Lovers certainly isn’t it. Easily their most significant album since 1996’s Everything Must Go saw the band attempt to come to terms as life as a three piece- possibly even more so- it sees the band attempt to put music to the last lyrics left behind by ex-band member Richey Edwards for the first time, a full 14 years after his still unsolved disappearance. When the record was first announced it couldn’t have sounded more like career suicide if they’d announced that the working title was ‘Paedomuslim’ and that one track would be a duet with James Corden- why on Earth would you leave yourself so open to accusations of mawkish sentimentality from one side and shrill calls of ‘it’s not what Richey would’ve wanted!!’ (as if they know themselves- I happen to know for a fact that Richey wanted the next album to be a lot more Nordic skiffle influenced) from the other. Yet against everyone’s better judgement Journal… turned out to be one of the musical success stories of the year, and the most critically well-received record of their career by a country mile.

While the temptation must have been to conceive the album as merely a respectful presentation of Richey’s last works*- perhaps it could have been the first album released solely through Microsoft PowerPoint- the band chose to simply write songs that were both worthy of the words and mirrored their tone. The end result is that Journal… contains the band’s most complex and adventurous music to date, to such an extent that the kings of passionate anthem rock have accidentally made a post-punk masterpiece. Perhaps inspired by Richey’s unstructured approach to prose many of the songs take a slightly more relaxed attitude to the accepted rules of structure and pace than they have done in the past, while at the same time exhibiting a subtly and sparseness rarely heard in their previous work- Steve Albini was an inspired choice of producer, giving the album a disarmingly raw and naked feel, so crisp and clear that at certain points you can even hear the band’s sweat. Above all though, it’s still the Manics- James Dean Bradfield’s knack for melody is so instinctive it’s almost a nervous twitch- the songs are as fantastic as ever and the choruses may even embarrassingly result in involuntary fist pumping.

While comparisons to The Holy Bible (a creative high watermark for both the band and Richey’s writing) are as predictable as they are stylistically incorrect (only hidden track ‘Bag Lady is even remotely similar musically to The Holy Bible’s malicious and merciless tormenting of the senses, and compared to the 1994 masterpiece’s commendably bleak worldview the tone here is practically at Christine Bleakley levels of relentless optimism), making Journals… was obviously a cathartic exercise for the band- if ever a album had demons that needed exorcising it was The Holy Bible. Perhaps it marks the closing of a chapter in their, maybe after two decades of naively maintaining that music can occasionally do something more than convey the emotional impact of the latest DFS sale, or that maybe it isn’t so ridiculous that a band can genuinely mean something to some people even in the face of a culture that has increasingly cowered away into irony and insincerity they’ve finally decided that it’s time for that long-awaited Mark Ronson collaboration. If so Journal for Plague Lovers stands as a fitting tribute to not just Richey Edwards, but to the band themselves.

*I’ve avoided touching on the lyrics to any real degree- I didn’t want it to turn into ‘Richey Edwards, We Hardly Knew You’, and besides this piece was already in danger of becoming a novella. In a nutshell they’re great, they’re surprisingly light-hearted and optimistic in places, and they mention Giant Haystacks. That is all

1. Fuck Buttons: Tarot Sport

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There’s nothing easier than making unconventional music, or even making music that’s completely original. I, for example, would find it quite hard to write The Stereophonics’ ‘Pick a Part That’s New’, scientifically proven to be the least original and most doggedly conventional song of all time, and yet I wouldn’t even have to leave my seat to record a Blockbuster card going through a shredder while I recite the eight times table in Kurdish, and no-ones called me a ground-breaking musical genius for, oooooh, weeks now. Even if I played it to my friends and then rejected their criticism by claiming that that the only reason people don’t like it is that they weren’t intelligent or open minded enough to get it, and that the song requires a knowledge if at least conversational Kurdish to be enjoyable, it would still be rubbish, and I’d still be a bit of a twat. Never trust any artist who states that people just didn’t ‘get’ their last album; it’s pop music, not that joke about the two nuns in a bath, if people didn’t like your last album it’s probably less to do with their tiny minds being blown by seven minutes songs and the occasional use of a keyboard and probably more likely to be the fact it was two hours long and contained a song about your mum played on a lute. True greatness lies in making music that manages to be breathlessly innovative and ambitious while still aware of the things that make music great in the first place- to move or even obliterate pop’s boundaries rather than ignoring them completely.

Fuck Buttons’ debut album Street Horrssing suggested that the band couldn’t decide whether they wanted to make challenging yet rewarding music that expands the horizons of pop music’s possibilities, or whether they would rather eke out a living burping into the microphone to see if anyone would buy it. It was certainly innovative and challenging, but just when it seemed on the cusp of something extraordinary it would lose its nerve and take the easy option of simply turning unlistenable, or songs would ratchet up the anticipation to almost unbearably degrees with an expertly crafted introduction before seemingly realising they’ve got no place to go and meekly descending into a repetitive drone, like the best man realising at the last minute that he’s left his much trumpeted speech in his other jacket and electing to start rabbiting on about train timetables in the hope that people would eventually get bored and return to their tuna steaks.

For their second album the band did something extraordinary and peculiar: they identified the weaknesses of their sound and attempted to eradicate them, while bringing their strengths more to the fore- perversely, it seems to have worked. Tarot Sport is a simply brilliant album, and as near as damnit a fully blown modern masterpiece, it’s such a quantum leap forward (perhaps even for dance music in general) that their debut doesn’t even feel like a dress rehearsal for it, in fact I came home last week to catch Street Horrssing packing its suitcase, tearfully telling me it knows when its not wanted. Fuck Buttons still make music like no-one else- colossal, mind-bending instrumental electronica with scant disregard for pop’s conventions- the difference is that on their debut you were just glad such unconventional music was still being released, while after a few listens of Tarot Sport you start to wonder why all pop doesn’t sound like this. Handing production duties to Andrew Wetherall- the most bizarrely underused and undervalued producer in Britain, nearly 20 years since Screamadelica– was a masterstroke, and his experience in acid house euphoria is sprinkled Tarot Sport, which loses all of the cynicism of the debut in favour of something a lot more communal and warm. Perhaps the most radical change has been just how beautiful some of it sounds; there are moments on the record that are genuinely moving, most notably during the astonishing 10 minute long ‘Olympians’, and generally the band aren’t afraid to show how dance music can convey the gamut of emotion (they’d previously only covered ‘fear’ and nausea’) as successfully as any other genre. Tarot Sport was just the pinnacle of a year that’s seen dance music start to regain its relevance after years in the wilderness- if Damian Lazarus demonstrated the variety of sounds you can cover and still sound consistent, Fuck Buttons have shown how you can make music so uncommonly inventive it sounds like a transmission from 2258AD and yet still beautifully human: Bizarre as this may have sounded twelve months ago, no album this year had as much soul as Fuck Buttons’. To think the most affecting song on their debut was a monkey screaming for four minutes.

Now they just need to do something about the name.