The Full Count-fucking-down
Have you noticed all those ‘best films/songs/books/soapy tit-wanks of 2016 so far‘ pieces of guff that are flying about cyberspace like an unusually critical swarm of locusts recently? What’s that all about?? Just another excuse for the laziest of journalists to whore themselves like your mum, baring their puckered anus to the passing crowd of disinterested and in all scientific accuracy probably masturbating internet in the sad and transparent attempt to get someone-anyone– to poke their click finger in their exposed SEO hole
In an entirely unrelated matter, I’m about to post what I (me! Meeeeee!) believe to be the 12 greatest songs released in the months of December 2015 through June this year, which is a completely different thing. I have only allowed myself one song per artist, which was insanely difficult for some artists but VERY easy for others, and I’ve tried (but in all probability failed) to only talk about the song in question, so even though there are a few (to the the least! Hahahahahahahahahaha!!! Ammi right guys? Huh? Ammi Right??!) artists on this list who would definitely benefit from a long discussion, you’re going to have to wait until 2016 Necessary Evil in December
I’m not going to apologise for any opinions, because that is literally the stupidest fucking thing in the worl
Why is it top 12?
Why is 12, and not, like 10, or 20, or 5?
Wha…? Jesus fucking Christ Stewart, were you listening at all? There were twelve brilliant songs this year, no more, no less, don’t you ever think I haven’t already considered something that’s somehow seeped into your tiny brain, and don’t you ever question my methods
Get back in your box
#12 Car Seat Headrest: Drunk Drivers/Killer Whales
I know what you’re thinking, I know what you’re always thinking when you read whatever tiny piece of amateurish writing I produce by way of telling a hedgehog that his or her parents are getting a divorce and them publishing whatever his confused and emotionally fraught body types out on the keyboard. You’re always thinking ‘I wonder how Alex masturbates’.
Well, I’ll let you in in my fiercely guarded secret: I ‘raise the red lantern’ by turning this anthemic, intelligence, dramatic and plain epic song on full volume and then stand in front of my open window and scream every gorgeous lyric at the top of my lungs with my eyes closed tightly as confused pedestrians pass
Got me in jail a few times, but if you knew the song you’d know it was totally worth it
#11 Rihanna: Consideration
It has come to my attention *glares around room accusingly; spits on floor* that some of you offensively crude attempts at people don’t completely love Rihanna (or, as I call her her, ‘Hanna-hanna’). This isn’t a joke, I honestly think you people are all humanity’s own wettest farts and should have your ears, eyes and (to be on completely the safe side) genitals removed immediately as they are clearly not working and they need to be taken from you before you hurt anyone, like the council removing the child from parents who use their daughter’s head to attempt to unblock the toilet. There are so many fabulous bits in this short song, but the sheer music in her own voice when she sings ‘I do advise you, Run it back, run it on back, When you’re breaking it down for me, Cause I can hear you two times, Run it on back, will it ever make sense to me?’ just makes me… makes me…
You know what, Hanna-hanna? I know I’ve fought your restraining order in court a dozen times now, but there are moments like that when I get it
#10 Sia: The Space Between
Emotional manipulation is, I believe, generally a bad thing. Boom! First fucking sentence motherfuckers and I’m already coming up with, like, t-shirt level shit. When you’re hot, you are HOT…
What was I talking about?
You know, that Australian who looks like she’s what Avril Lavigne might’ve done to her barbie doll as a teenager and was convinced it looked ‘totally kick ass’
Oh, Sia! Yes, while emotional manipulation in art is generally the type of thing I’d tut at loudly over my glass of Courvoisier and roll my eyes theatrically so that everybody in the vicinity would be aware of how dumb it was and by extension how intelligent I am (because I, like every single fucking person in the world, truly believe that all it takes to be smart is hating the right things), and Space Between is shameless, like Steven Speilberg directing a movie about the horrors of the 2012 tsunami and made the lead character a wickle fwuffy bunny wabbit. But, similar to that movie (what, you didn’t see it? Dude, it won the Oscar for Achievements in Fluffiness, open your fucking eyes sometime) Sia somehow pulls it off, belting out the song like the room is filling with gas and she knows she only has 5 minutes of life yet, and managing to use her breathtaking pipes to somehow deliver the emotion a scandalously overwrought song promises.
#10 Jeremih: Planes
You’re probably already bored of this list and we’re not even in the top 5 yet. “Oh Alex!” you’re saying “I don’t want to read about this! I want to look at the humblebrags from people I never fucking liked in the first place as they commit hateful onanism in front of me while I wonder what would be the best way to kill myself, my spouse, and all my hateful children in one fell swoop without the authorities getting suspicious”, yes, yes, a tale as old as barbiturates and wine itself, but please give me another chance, if only to read how the nerdiest of nerdy white guys attempts to get around using the ‘N’ word, everyone enjoys that, don’t they?
“You need a *person of afro/carribean origin* that’s gonna come over and dig you out
You need a *person of afro/carribean origin* that you know is not gon’ run his mouth
You need a *person of afro/carribean origin* when he done probably gon’ put you out
You need a *person of afro/carribean origin* that’s gon’ put it in your mouth
Dick so big it’s like a foot is in yo’ mouth
And you ain’t babysitting, but my kids all on yo’ couch
And oh, you nasty, oh, oh, you nasty
Both graduated so fuck keepin’ it classy”
Now, with a lyric like that, I don’t believe the song’s brilliance need further justification
#9 Prince Rama: Bahia
Are you or have you ever been in close contact with someone who defies themselves as an adult? Stay well away! It’s a horrendous affliction that can lead to every single aspect of life dwindling into pointlessness and your whole existence suddenly only placing real importance into its most absolutely dull facets. ‘Bahia’, despite being made by a pair of fit, athletic, beautiful adults…
‘Hello. Ah hello, good to hear from you, I always welcome a call from my lawyer… What?!…Both of them?!…Are you even sure that two sisters are allowed to have restraining orders against the same person, I mean the logistics of it for a start are… Hmmm… Yes, I see…’
Sorry about that, where was I?
Yes despite being made by two *consults lawyer* human adults, ‘Bahia’ is an absolutely joyous 3 minutes, like the glorious fun a dog would have if he broke into a cadaver lab before the police inevitably arrived to put him down
If you watched the video you’d have a new favourite thing, but you won’t, because you’re a cretin
#7 Kanye West: Waves
Oh! He’s waving! So when I put ‘kanye west waves’ into Google… I just assumed he was throwing his hands up in childish glee at his own cultural relevance. Ok, I understand everything a little better now.
What a year Mr. ‘Can? Yay!’ has had in 2016, let’s start on the chiming in of the new year on 00:01 January 1st, where rather than singing Aul Lang Syne he, and I can’t believe I’m actually writing these words…
Όχι! Δεν μιλάμε για τον τραγουδιστή Alex , για να κολλήσει το τραγούδι και τίποτα άλλο !
Ok, Ok, sorry…
That was Alekiseh, I thought I could use some help remembering never to actually talk about the artists themselves yet, so I hired an intern. Yes, he is Greek, they can obviously use the work at the moment, and to be honest I can’t help but assume you’re being a bit racist in noticing, much like the only reason anyone would ever have for leaving the EU*.
‘Waves’ though, is absolutely stunning, the one moment on his patchy album…
Κανένα άλμπουμ δεν μιλούν !
Sorry… A moment that proves beyond dispute the existence of his utter genius that some people with both cloth ears and brains full of sulphur dioxide (and yes, also a little bit racist) refuse to admit
*That’s not a joke, it’s a statement of fucking fact, don’t give me this ‘economic blah and your democratic freedom bluh, the reason you don’t want to be in the EU is because you don’t like funny brown people, so even if your opinion makes NO SENSE I think I’d respect you more if you just admitted it**
**I’ll never respect you, in any context, ever
#6 David Bowie: Lazarus
Jesus fucking suffering Christ Bowie, you really didn’t think about this did you? This list is supposed to be a weightless gas (“Join Alex P Later Here Tonight on GUMP-TV Where He’ll Take An HILARIOUS Sideways Look At the 6 Months In Music”) but I can’t even make humourous things funny, so I’ll just post the lyrics here instead and you vultures* can all wait until Christmas
Look up here, I’m in heaven
I’ve got scars that can’t be seen
I’ve got drama, can’t be stolen
Everybody knows me now
Look up here, man, I’m in danger
I’ve got nothing left to lose
I’m so high it makes my brain whirl
Dropped my cell phone down below
Ain’t that just like me
By the time I got to New York
I was living like a king
Then I used up all my money
I was looking for your ass
This way or no way
You know, I’ll be free
Just like that bluebird
Now ain’t that just like me
Oh I’ll be free
Just like that bluebird
Oh I’ll be free
Ain’t that just like me
*I don’t really think you’re all vultures**
**I fucking do though
#5 Beyonce: Hold Up
Nggggg, Ngggggggg, huh huh huh, NGGGGGGGGGG!
No, I’m not trying to pass a particularly aggressive bowel movement (but I can definitely understand why you’d jump to that conclusion and can only assume you’ve actually lived with me before: Hi!!) but trying to review a TINY part of Beyonce’s masterful ‘Lemonade’ project…
Alright mate, chill your tits. All I can say is that you should all beg, steal, borrow and hustle until you have a copy (any copy! I’ll look the other way, know-warra-mean-nudge-nudge-wink-wink-kiss-kiss-bang-bang) of the full video art project behind the album, as not only can I not really talk to you before you’ve seen it, I’m not sure I really count you as an actual person
It’s amazing isn’t it!? The way the video changes to a security camera POV and she sings”I always keep the top tier, 5 star Backseat lovin’ in the car, Like make that wood, like make that wood, Holly like a boulevard” as the sound quality warps may be the GREATEST THING ANYONE HAS EVER DONE EVER!!!!
What are you nodding for? You didn’t see it *turns back*
#5 Anhoni: Execution
“Wah! Wah! Why to transgender people wants so much rights? Wah! Wah! I won’t even call them by whatever name that they choose to be called by for some fucking reason! Wah! Wah! If we let them use whatever toilet they want they’ll sacrifice our kids to paedo-Hitler! Wah! Wah! Or some shit like that, I only flicked through the news channel to be honest. Wah! Wah! You’re actually an-unrepresented minority today if youre a white straight person! Wah Wah! OH GOD PLEASE JUST GIVE ME SOME FUCKING ATTENTION! WAAAAAH! WAAAAAAAAAH! I’M A LITTLE WORM WHO ONLY WANTS ATTENTION! WAH! WAH!
Yeah, you’re right, Anohni probably does these things a little better than me, and even when she’s delivering an impassioned commentary of execution being ‘the American dream’ she manages to cloak an important message behind simply lucious music and a voice that would melt the kneecaps off a butterfly*
Take note, Literally Every Other Singer in the World
*Jesus, where did that come from? I worry myself sometimes
#3 Radiohead: Burn the Witch
“Yes. Yes. Yes” you nod your big ugly nose and sit back in your reclining Kunt chair (IKEA catalogue number 5767, look it up, I don’t just make these things up for cheap heat you know?) as you allow yourself a self-satisfied sip of organic urtica dioica tea “Thank God Radiohead are here, they’re a proper band. Probably, actually, probably, definitely the best band in the world. In, like, twenty years time they’ll be looked back on as the Beatles of my generation”
Shut up! Shutupshutupshutupshutup! You are the reason I hate Radiohead, you are the reason even the band themselves HATE Radiohead on occasion! I’m not saying your affection is in no way false, but you act like being ‘into’ Radiohead is an act of high culture appreciation on par with tenderly stroking the public hair of Warner Herzog. You like Radiohead because you like guitar music and choruses, you’d be a fan of McBusted if you weren’t constantly tying yourself in knots over your own ridiculous self awareness. Enjoy ‘Hail to the Thief’ much do you? Do you stick on ‘King of Limbs’ very often? No, you fucking don’t, you stick on ‘OK Computer’ and play air guitar in the mirror to ‘Lucky’ because you’re a cunt*
Oh the music, yeah it’s fantastic, the best thing they’ve done in ages, but since when has that been relevant?
*I honestly do apologise for the language. Why do I ONLY get angry over life’s most trivial things, and music?
#2 The Coral: Connector
Remember The Coral? No? Ask your Gran, she’ll say to you “The Coral? Didn’t they release their first album in 2002? It’s a bit unlikely they’ll be much of a reference point for me, or indeed anyone’s grandparent”
At this point you should simply tell Enid (for that is your Gran’s name) that I was only using her as a cheap joke in order to accentuate how long it’s been since the Coral felt relevant.
“I see” Enid would reply, understanding everything immediately, she has grown so wise in her advanced years “In which case I can say I remember their debut album sounding like nothing else on Earth but the band then unfortunately released lacklustre bum clap after lucklustre bum clap albums until they steadily turned from the country’s most exciting young band into one of the world’s most boring”
Kiss your Gran on the forehead and excitedly explain that they’re back! They’re back with a stomping rock classic with a ball bag so heaving with fortitude and with chunky riffs that’d be rejected by Pukka Pies for being too meaty
Then, calmly and methodically, place the cushion over her face and push down so air can no longer escape. It’s time for her to go…
#1 Animal Collective: Floridada
Yes, it absolutely is, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let myself be dragged into an argument with a man who’s just killed his own grandmother.
We should pay our respects to her though by playing this song at her funeral, Enid was in love with life’s infinite possibilities no differently to how this gorgeously inappropriate song is in love with the mind-bending and genre-fisting opportunities inherent in the core of music itself, of all art Goddammit!!
I’m often a big fan of music that was obviously as fun to make as it sounds, so it’s a massive shame that isn’t the case here, as simply no possible human activity could literally be possible to be anywhere near as fun as this song sounds. Across the road from the studio Animal Collective recorded this in there were a couple of teenage girls riding velociraptors in pink tutus (yes, the teenage girls, the velociraptors and, for good measure, the crowd and the referee were all wearing tutus, don’t try and catch me off guard with pedantic grammar again or I’ll set fire to your chin, capiche?) while they played the game NIP-TIZZ where the only way to score points is to squirt the opposing player on one of their exposed, erect nipples with a Supersoaker 2000. While they recorded this song Toyah belched to signal time out and turned to Channel to say “Fuck this garbage, I want to see what they’re doing over there!”
The brilliant, hilarious, bizarrely erotic video catches my feelings about this insane work of absiolute and limitless genius and creativity best: when Aver Tare wraps his lucious lips around the hard, throbbing lyrics of “I don’t even know where to begin
Or how I should start these days. The green mountain south or The Clay of the westerns, The Maryland meadows at midnight they do have a misty grace’ I want nothing more than to fuck this song hard. Or even lay it down on the silk pillows by the fire after making it an romantic meal and make sweet tender love to it all night long…
Γεια σου ! Είστε πραγματικά σέρνεται ανθρώπους έξω τώρα ! Σας εγγυώμαι ότι κανείς την ανάγνωση αυτή είναι απόλυτα σίγουρος για το αν είστε αστειεύεται ή όχι !
Good point, I better go now
*takes Floridada up to his bedroom*
*locks the door*
SO INTERNET, WHAT DO YOU THINK!?!?!?!*
*nobody has ever cared what you think