So Bumble is installed, time to open my account, type in my details and…
Aw man! So we’re straight in there, are we? No ‘How you doing?’, no ‘Nice to meet you’, no ‘Tell us about the two months you spent in Bologna studying clownlogy’. No, we’re straight into the meat market. Give us your ugly mug so that people can harshly judge your entire being based on the milliseconds your fat face spends on their smartphone while they’re on the toilet taking a particularly rough dump, before they swipe you left into oblivion. Well, dang, if people are so shallow that my photo is really going to be of such uppermost importance, I guess I’ll have to make sure I take a good one.
I’m of course not going to just add from Facebook. I only use Facebook these days to advertise the blog posts that I wouldn’t mind Mum reading (so, erm, not this one) and I don’t think I’ve added a photo there in years. Anyway, the photos I add to Facebook are, like, only 75% with the aim of getting people to have sex with me, whereas now I aim to be at one hundred and ten percent, motherfuckers!! I mean, take a look at my Facebook profile:
Would you fuck that? Of course you wouldn’t. Tegan and Sara also wouldn’t, though I accept that was always going to be a big ask. Lil Peep won’t want to have sex with me either. Because he’s dead. Yeah, Mark Mulcahy and I had our little ‘thing’ not long back, but I’ve been informed by the solicitors that, legally, that never happened. I need to separate the two important but absolutely distinct areas of my life- Bumble is for the love, Facebook is for conning Aunty Beryl into buying £359.99 worth of protein powder so I don’t lose money on the month’s shipment from AdvoCare. Yeah, one rule: no Facebook.
How to ensure that most affecting main picture though? How can I make myself look like the sexiest hunk of man meat that any browser is likely to have seen in their petty, miserable life? It’s a rhetorical question, you idiots, I already know the answer. Did you try and answer it? You did, didn’t you? Christ, I can’t even imagine how fucking stupid you feel right now. The answer’s obvious: find men who are already considered to be the sexiest in the world, and just copy them. I think we can all agree that, when it comes to Sexiest Men Alive, the authority is definitely People Magazine. So, who is it, Peeps?
Hmmm… I… erm… So, to look like John Legend… I mean, I suppose if I… No, this is all getting far too ‘problematic’. Sorry, Mr. Legend, but I feel for reasons of sensitivity I’m going to have to instead look to 2018’s sexiest man:
Oh, for fuck’s…
OK, no, absolutely not. Right, there are in fact two rules: no Facebook, and no blacking up with shoe polish. You’d like to think that to think that second rule wouldn’t need to be said, but this is the world we live in. Christ, this is such a difficult situation- women obviously don’t want us to be ugly waste of skin, but they don’t want us to black up in the odd chance it might make us look like John Legend or Idris Elba. Is there not a middle ground here?? What do women want?!?!
Hey, it’s 2020, I can just Google it!
The results were, shall we say, surprising.
It turns out women want Mel Gibson. Fair enough. You go, girls, each to their own. But how ca I look more like Mel Gibson? I mean, he would definitely appreciate it if I wore blackface, but if anything that would take me further away. Unless…
Now this all makes sense. Hold my drink…
The hair isn’t very Gibson though, is it? I mean, chicks dig hair, so if I’ve 100% Gibson in the face but 0% in the hair then the finger might be tempted to swipe left. Luckily, I’ve got an extensive wig collection. Well, I’ve got a wig…
Yes! I am Mel Gibson in ‘Braveheart’! The movie he won an Oscar for and so is therefore sexiest in! Now, just need to put a little something on, as you don’t want to spoil the ladies with the naked skin straight away, got to make sure they’ve got something to work towards.
Awesome! Good to have FKA Twigs in there as well, so that people know what sort of standards I usually have. Now, to post that to Bumble, and we’re through!
We’ll add more photos later (not an urgent need, that one picture should really be enough) but first we’re asked to give a few details:
No need to lie about my age or gender (yes, I am that old. And that manly), but what name should I introduce myself with? ‘Alex’ is fine, but is it really the name that’s going to inflame the loins of your average woman? No, I’m going to delve into my own extensive knowledge of the fairer sex. Women are- to a person- all obsessed with two things. The first thing will probably come up later, but the second thing is ‘Stories about Caroline Calloway‘. No, I don’t understand, but I’m a man (did you not see my bio above?), and I could do well to profit off the association, even subconsciously.
Yeah, we’re done here. Next! What am I using Bumble for?
I mean, globviously the first one. Making friends? Who wants to make friends? The only people who like making friends are schoolchildren, and they’ve got school for that. Don’t like the kids in your class? Well tough, that’s who you’ve got, may as well make the most of them as they’ll keep trying to stay in touch with you for the rest of your life. Adults don’t want to make friends. Adults have already made all the friends they’ll ever want, the only time there might be an opening is if Darren suddenly has to do community service every Thursday nights so there’s nobody to watch Europa League matches. And even then, you don’t really want a friend, you just want someone to get drunk next to you and confirm your opinions about Video Assistant Refereeing. Do women want friends…?
No. Women want Mel Gibson. We’ve been over this.
And business?? People really use Bumble for business?? Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuullshit, this is just a ready made excuse for when a wife notices it installed on her husband’s phone, ‘using Bumble for business’ is like ‘reading Playboy for the articles’ or ‘visting Porntube for its Dow Jones analysis’. Come on, Bumble, I’m obviously here for he fanny, now let’s move on.
Should we verify our account? Yeah, gotta keep things legit
This is never going to work, is it?
Nope! Ah well, we’ll come back to that after we’ve got a few more pictorial examples of my dashingness, let’s finish up today by adding my bio.
What’s the thing that women love more than anything else? No, not unicorns or puppies or menstruation or any more of your dated sexist nonsense. They love 50 Shades of Grey!! If I fill my bio with a quote from that literary masterpiece, the women will be scratching to get to me so hard that they’ll tear out their fingernails. Hot! OK, so what quote best sparks up that animal lust that I’m all about…?
Alright! A very good start! Next time, we’ll have a look at some of the options out there.
Now… Now I really need to wash my face…