You’re Looking at the Real Deal Now

 

In 2010 Spin Magazine listed the greatest albums released since the magazine’s conception in 1985, since I’ve been (ahem) alive for a large part of that time I’m going to quickly list the top 20 and briefly state why they’re now way near as good as the top record of 2016*:

*erm, assuming that all the records released between 2010 and now were comparatively garbage

 

20 My Bloody Valentine: Loveless

Speak up, mate, speak up! I can’t bloody hear you over all this racket! Also: know how many albums Ireland contributed to this year’s Necessary Evil? None! Your country’s a musical nonentity!

19 Jay-Z: The Blueprint

Oooooh! Look at my big cigar! A guy smoking a cigar this big couldn’t possibly be subconsciously compensating for something else could he?? Pathetic!

18 The Strokes: Is This It

‘Oh Daddy. could you please buy me and the chaps some leather jackets so that after croquet practice we can all get the chauffeur to drive us to CBGBs and we can all dress up and pretend to be the Velvet Underground?’ Pathetic!

17 De La Soul: 3 Foot High and Rising

Bunch of sissy nerds are too wet to go out gang banging and drive-bying like proper self-respecting rappers and instead bounce around smiling and sniffing flowers: gay!

16 Pixies: Doolittle

Fat guy screams about slicing eyeballs and UFOs and shit. Amazingly, still going now despite fat guy being even fatter and the band somehow managing to be even shitter!

15 Hüsker Dü: New Day Rising

Two umlauts?? What, so you think you’re better than me??

14 Beastie Boys: Paul’s Boutique

‘Hey, guys, even though we’re nerdy rich white Jewish guys, we’re still, like, totally cool, look at our record collection!’ Pathetic!

13 Sonic Youth: Daydream Nation

“There are just fragments of some grand cabal, after-images, bits of torn messages, patches of infection, arrows pointing in a thousand directions: genetic engineering, Walt Disney, the Illuminati, Madonna, the dog-star Sirius, compact discs, Thomas Pynchon, guitar rock, video games, LSD”: What utter horse shit!!

12 OutKast: Stankonia

Hey, Andre, I started watching that Hendrix movie you did, but the stench of shite got too overpowering so I had to turn it off after 7 minutes! How can Big Boi consistently release amazing solo albums and still be considered the Andrew Ridgeley of the group??

11 The Replacements: Tim

What?? I’ve never even heard of this album! You’re making stuff up now!

10 Nine Inch Nails: The Downward Spiral

Down, down, deeper and down, down, down, deeper and down. OK, that’s a pretty decent song… What? It’s not even on this album?? It’s not even by Nine Inch Nails?? Gah! This album is both worthless and wrongfully advertised!! 

9 Pavement: Slanted and Enchanted

‘Shitted and Enshitted’, more like, ammi right, lads?!?!

8 PJ Harvey: Rid of Me

‘Don’t you wish you’d never, never met her‘: you know what, Pooj (ha!!), I do really wish I’d never met this album! #burn

7 Guns ‘n’ Roses: Appetite for Destruction

OK, fine

6 Public Enemy: It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back

How come Flavor Flav is always at least 20 minutes late for our Wednesday Dance Aerobics class? You ‘lost track of time’, Flav, really? Is he taking the fucking piss?

 

5 Radiohead: OK Computer

4 Nirvana: Nevermind

Whiny and commercially produced rock music made by a band with a good looking lead singer to ensure dumb teenagers will still wear their crappy t-shirts until way into 2091

3 The Smiths: The Queen is Dead

Really?? I’ll give you the opening track, which is one of The Smiths four or five legitimately decent songs, but you are aware that this album contains Frankly Mister Shankly and several other tracks that sound like broad parodies of an already embarrassing sound? And most of the other shite songs you pretend to like to convince people you’re cool are actually badly fudged attempts at jokes?

2 Prince: Sign o’ the Times

Yeah, alright…

1 U2: Achtung Baby

Are you…

Fucking…

Kidding…

Me?

 

So, as you can see, only the titans that are Prince

and Guns n’ Roses, so we are really- as the title suggests- looking- as it were- at the- dare I say it?- real deal- as it were- now