There’s nothing worse than when your love is badly timed

-1

No! I don’t mean the way you think! I think that kind of ‘badly timed love’ should be strongly dissuaded!

-4

I tried to warn you that ‘If she was four years older you’d be calling me a legend!’ wouldn’t play well in court

-3

Thank God you came to your senses and got the charges dropped by arguing that she was a bit of a slut, because that’s apparently how the fucking justice system works

-3

 

I’ve been a victim of unfortunately timed affections in the past. I didn’t fall in love with my second wife until I married my fifth wife, I didn’t realise how much I loved my third wife until I married my fourth, I only really loved my fifth wife at my wedding to my third wife, and I’m planning to fall in love with my fourth wife when ‘World War Z 2’ comes out in 2019, as the original was her favourite ever film

-4

God, ‘World War Z’, honestly, she really was a fucking idiot…

-3

It took me about six months to realise ‘World War Z’ was intended as a pun, for the longest time I just thought ‘World War Zed’ was a terrible title

-3

In preparation for writing this ‘review’ I listened to ‘Puberty 2’ (love it +3) on the way to ‘work’ this ‘morning’. The ‘record’ was ‘released’ (cough) last ‘June’ and ‘this’ was ‘roughly’ the 4’648^th ‘time’ I’d ‘listened’ to a collection that I’d previously had great affection for but felt slightly bemused by its rapturous critical reception

+5

4’648 is obviously the golden ratio of spins it takes, as I suddenly realised that I freaking love the record. Like, everything about it is amazing: supreme yet experimental rocky pop with engaging lyrics and discernible goals and passion. Fuck…

-3

It’s definitely

until I discover another gem later down the list. I think the problem is I get it rather mixed up with the Frankie Cosmos album, because that’s a bit vagina guitary too, and a lot of the amazing songs on ‘Puberty 2’ I awarded to F.C, which means that album is slightly too high on the list and this absolute masterpiece is ridiculously low…

-1

Like, seriously you guys, it might be top 20 material at least…

-4

It might even be the first album on this list so far that’s actually better than Zeal and Ardor

+21

Peter Capaldi won a freaking Oscar! Ain’t life grand…?

+4

A fantastic plan, I’d actually raise the stakes by answering every question with ‘I’m not afraid to die’, starting with them asking your name. Then answer the second question in indentical fashion, then don’t let them even finish the third question, cut them off half way by screaming how unafraid of death you are. By that point they’ll be convinced that they’ve found their new Junior Administration Assistant

+6

Remember when Jo Cox was murdered? Y’know, the horrific incident that may well have helped assure a ‘Remain’ victory had they resorted to the type of emotional manipulation that ‘Leave’ were masters of but decided not to sink to their level and so lost because the world is fucking mucky as shit flies’ cumsacks these days and you’re actively rewarded for lowering the bar? Y’know, that one? Well, we were always told how the terrorist gave his name as ‘Death to Traitors, Freedom for Britain’, but they never said whether or not that was his real name. Yet another example of the liberal elite only reporting the news that serves their purpose

-3

If it is his name, would it have a comma in it? I’ll have to ask him next time I write

+7

This album’s amazing. The production is a bit quiet though…

-2

Metacritic: +87

Sigh… Yeah, that sounds about right…

Length: 31 minutes +15

Best Lyric: ‘Dishes smashed on my counter from our last encounter/Pictures snatched out the frame/Bitch, I scratched out your name and your face/What is it about you that I can’t erase, baby?’ +1

Number of AMAZING songs: 1 (+10)

…But Are All the Rest of the Songs Kinda Amazing Anyway? Yes (+50)

Is the last song just the first track but played on Ukulele? No -1

Total 198

Jesus, these scores are getting ridiculously high. Buy this album

https://mitski.bandcamp.com/