109 Zayn: Mind of Mine

Zayn Malik? He loves the sex, he does. Like, really loves it! Loves chucking it up and in every hole he sees. ‘Every hole’s a goal’, he says. All day long, he’s like: shag, shag, shag, shag, shag. ‘Zayn Shaggik’ he calls himself, even though it doesn’t really scan, he just wants to make it absolutely clear how big a fan of the old shake and whack he is. Loves it. Loves sex



Sex on vaginas! Oh, God, he can’t stress that enough! Definitely on vaginas! Sex on girls’ pulsating vaginas as he pokes their boobs. Their massive boobs. Not that there’s anything wrong with the bum sex, Zayn stresses, it’s just that he used to be in a boy band and for some reason wants to make it very clear that he only has eyes for vaginal intercourse.


He loves the vaginal intercourse


Like, he doesn’t even wipe his bum after going for a poo, less he accidentally poke his anus. Not his bag, y’hear? Not for Zayn!



I once saw a movie where a man and woman engaged in what I can only assume was the ‘heavy petting’ that mother had always stressed to warn me about, and enjoyed it to such a degree that I felt confident in describing my profession as ‘Copulation Devotee’ on the last government census, but next to Zayn O’Mac Daddy I feel like such a casual fan of the sex: he’s been a fan of sex since before it was cool, before all those teenage girls got into it and ruined it for the proper fans like the ancient Greeks


‘Mind of Mine’ is perhaps the most successful album of 2016 in terms of what it sets out to do: it utilises absolute top shelf, million dollar pop writing and production, and achieves in positioning Zay-Zay as a credible ‘adult pop star’, convincing the listener that Zayn has had consensual vaginal intercourse with literally loads of women, and doesn’t even know the meaning of The Kinsey Institute’s ‘Prevalence of Homosexuality Study’.


It’s inevitable that such a categorical attempt at constructing Zayn’s new ‘brand’ is often a little artificial sounding, and obviously most jagged edges of potential interest are sanded off at first opportunity less they don’t play well on Radio ASDA


….so it has some pretty gash tracks…


But there are moments, like the first single Pillow Talk and Rear View (y’know, like an arsea woman’s arse!), where despite the cynicism of the project it’s impossible to not be taken on board.





There are encouraging glimpses of Shaggik’s potential though (yeah, I’ve accidentally changed the font, get over it, gosh): perhaps inspired by Bill Maher (rated at an impressive 36 in The Economist Magazine’s 2016 list of ‘World’s Biggest Absolute Cock-Monkeys’) hilariously stating how he resembled the Boston Marathon bomber- because Bill Maher has evidently only ever seen two people with lightly brown skin and figured Muslims don’t get told they look like terrorists enough- ‘Mind of Mine’ contains a pleasant amount of confirmations of Shaggik’s religion. From him frequently thanking ‘Allah’ for a particular woman’s particularly pleasant vagina, to one (disappointingly short) album highlight sung in that language what all them Arabs use…



These allusions are minor, but they lend ‘Mind of Mind’ enough personality and variety to save the album from more comprehensive indistinctiveness, and suggest Shaggik may grow into something far more interesting


Metacritic: +69

Length 45 minutes.

Good boy, Zayn, keep it brief and then put it away


Best Lyric: ‘I always keep the top tier, 5 star/Backseat lovin’ in the car/Like make that wood, like make that wood/Holly like a boulevard’ +1

Is the last song just the first track but played on Ukulele? No -1

Total 52

Pics stolen from:




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