Have you ever been down with the kids? I have
‘Down where?’ you ask, which someone who was really down with the kids would never have to ask
If you were down with the kids, you’d know it was more a question of ‘down what (and how vigorously)’
It’s nice being down with the kids, you feel connected to the Matrix (or as the kids say now ‘Snapchatting with Zoella’s Hippie Peppa Pig Crack’), you know what’s hippity-happening in hoppity-town, and the odd envious glare you receive from less cool adults as you attempt to trade hot cultural tips from students outside the secondary school in exchange for sweets from your van is a small price to pay to be with it
Yeah, so I just Googled ‘youtube celebrity’ to know who exactly ‘Zoella’ is, but in a way doesn’t that make me more cool, yeah?
However, being so cool that you frequently Air so many BnBs that you Uber all over your Nintendo Switch brings with it a near overwhelming sense of status anxiety, and that when you one day wake up no longer being the hip daddio that you went to sleep as. You’re no longer down with the kids, the kids have changed what down is, and now when you even peek at what’s down it instils you with a sickening sense of acrophobia
Thankfully, that hasn’t happened to me yet, but an almost equally terrible sensation is when you’re not down with the kids because the kids are wrong
The 1975: what the fuck are they? This was NME’s album of the year, and I imagine NME is as dependable a bastion of what’s down with the kids as it ever was, as I imagine every issue must be feted over by almost a dozen cool and groovy young trend-makers across the globe. It’s a prize once handed out to only the coolest bands: your Public Enemies; your Spiritualizeds; your Björks; your Sugars (you’ll have to trust me on that last one)…
‘I Love It When Your Asleep Because You Don’t Notice Me masturbating Outside Your Window’ is perfectly decent album, but it’s an album of inoffensively pleasant pop songs doused in a sedative treacle of prosaic production. It sounds like it was released in 1984 by Phil Collins, and widely regarded as his best album, like, but still… I thought we were supposed to be fighting this!!
It actually most reminded me of those cheap synth albums that Bruce Springsteen released in the 1980s that were a bit shit but we forgave him because he’s Bruce Springsteen. Only The 1975 are not Bruce Springsteen. Honestly, not even one of these 17 tracks is Bru…
Seventeen tracks!?!? You absolute cunts!!
Never use that word
The 1975 will never write a song as good as Tougher Than the Rest
I mean, I’m with it enough to know that Ed Sheeren isn’t cool, but I’ve always imagined his music inhabiting a similar glossy populism to The 1975, even though the only song of his that I know if the one featuring Pharell with all the muppets in it
that goes ‘whoah-woah-oah’, a song that sounds about a thousand times more current and provocative than anything on ‘I Like It When Your Asleep Because I Can Pretend Your Dead While I Squeeze Your Boobs’
there are, however, enough pale allusions to win
3 Prince Points
Hearing The 1975 I had a similar feeling of dread to when I heard that glorified The War on Drugs album, which was similarly drooled over despite a similarly feverish adoration to similar tropes for 80s stadium rock that I thought we all agreed was worse than cancer. Did older people feel similarly dumbfounded by The Strokes, a band I quite happily ejaculated over intensely for roughly 18 months, because it was simply referencing music that they had assumed was dead?
Maybe I’m coming at this from the wrong angle, maybe if I’d been into The 1975 from the start, followed their career from that first handful of promising singles, to a debut album that thrillingly set out their intentions whilst still being lovably imperfect, maybe I would greet this second album as the joyous culmination of all their potential….
No, this is dull, the kids are wrong
Length 73 minutes.
No, honestly, that’s not me just making up the highest number I can think of in order to make some obscure joke that you’re too stupid to get, this album- an album of nice little pop songs that pale in comparison to a proper pop music like Carly Rae Jaap Stamm
is an hour and seventeen cocking minutes long!! I blame all of Zayn Shagik’s Muslim mates
Best Lyric: ‘Yeah, yeah, she gon’ slang/Too smart to crave material things/Stacking her paper/Stacking her cake up’ +1
Is the last song just the first track but played on Ukulele? No -1
Pics stolen from