9 Anna Calvi: Hunter

I wanna know if I can feel alive
I wanna know cause I’m an alpha
I divide and conquer

If you’re reading this, the language I tend to use would suggest that you speak English and maybe 说一点中文. You’re almost definitely British, perhaps American or European. Bizarrely enough, based on the people who read my blog, almost certainly not from Australasia. What’s up with that, Oceania? Don’t I get no love?

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Anyway, you’re more than likely, through sheer luck of birth, to have never had to put up with much dividing and conquering yourself. This time, right now, is actually the most peaceful time in human history. Now, for the first time ever, more people die from traffic accidents (because we’re useless drivers), obesity (because we’re fat bastards) and even suicide (because, as I’ve put it so bluntly before, there really is no fucking point) than die from human violence. Back when we we all lived all 27 years of our miserable life milking a the family duck or sifting through cow shit to find bits worth eating, 15% of all human deaths came through human violence, usually because of the endless war that we were all stuck in. In the 20th century, it was just 5%, as we still had two World Wars to get out of our system Now, it’s only about 1%. Alright, we don’t want to count our chickens too early, and I’m sure the 20th century was looking pretty rosie throughout a lot of 1918, all it takes is an Austrian Archduke being murdered in Syria or the Korean Peninsula and it could be World War 3 (luckily, Austrian Archdukes are quite rarely spotted in Syria and in either Korea). But, in the West at least, it may be Happy New Year (War is Over)!

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39 Ariana Grande: Sweetener

“Once I have you, I will never let you, never let you”

I feel quite sorry for Ariana Grande. ‘Sweetener’ is an absolutely brilliant album, and the jokes about my ‘TDE’ (Tiny Di… yeah, you got that joke, didn’t you?) would write themselves. It sees Grande finally locate an identity for herself, and honestly contains some of the best and most subtly experimental mainstream pop music released this year. I’m just going to use this review to talk about Hejjy again though. First ISIS, now this: poor girl just can’t catch a break.

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Buckle up!

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38 Sufjan Stevens: The Greatest Gift

All of Me Still Wants All of This

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Why do we humanoids place so much value in stubbornness? Why are the people who never change their beliefs or conduct the most respected?

You should always be changing your mind: the world is forever changing, more facts are constantly being uncovered, scientific breakthroughs are continually reversing long held beliefs. If you’re a fully aware human being, you probably shouldn’t believe the same things and hold the same opinions today that you did yesterday. If you believe the same things and hold the same opinions that you did ten years ago, you are an absolutely worthless entity and hold no value as a human. You are probably a very successful Member of Parliament.

People who change their minds are the worst. Like, slightly more respected than ISIS members, but far more hated than the IRA, who are viewed with a bit of nostalgic wistfulness these days.

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72 Luke Haines: Smash the System

If ISIS rang and told me that they’d kidnapped my family and would brutally execute them all unless I started naming my favourite albums ever released, I’d first make clear my thoughts that their terrorism was in real danger of losing its edge and question how exactly such an exercise conforms to their particular vision of Islam, no matter how warped it is. I would then ask them to specify the order in which they would be executing my family, as if they’re going to execute Paula or Viscous-Smithweldy first I’m in no great hurry, but if Juicy Lucy <child services have a court order saying you’re not allowed to call her that anymore, please delete- Ed> is up for decapitation first then I’d be a little more urgent, as she’s already a looker- by far the fittest girl in her preschool- and I’m planning to profit on her comeliness later in her life, perhaps by getting her to advertise something with her top off. And then I’d ask who exactly they considered ’family’, as I’m not going to break my back for any ex wife or second cousin, or…

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