#8 Jeshi: Universal Credit

When I become in charge of the UK – I am more than happy to kill the 50.48million people ahead of me* in the line of succession to become king and then declare an absolute monarchy – I like to think I will be a fair and benevolent ruler to the 15 million or so remaining residents that I didn’t need to slaughter in order to become leader. The death penalty though? Yeah, bring that shit in straight away. Only for the most heinous crimes (parking on bike lanes for example), but chiefly for what my reign will consider the Original Sin: complaints about how ‘easy’ people on benefits have it. Yeah, any version of that and it’s Who Wants to be Beheaded?! live on ITV presented by Declan Donnelly (I can’t explain it, but I feel that Ant McPartlin will have been executed pretty early on).

(*yeah, worked it out. I accept that I’m pretty low down on the list, but I am white, so the Royal Family will still automatically choose me ahead of a certain section of the population. So there’s that.)

If a person says this, or holds beliefs close to that effect, then it’s a dead giveaway that they have no real life knowledge, that not only have they not experienced the pay as you go life that such a massive section of the country have been forced into, but they don’t even know or have had any meaningful interactions with anyone trapped into that cycle. It’s an unintended admission that they possess no humanity, no sympathy, and are dumb enough to have their entire worldview dictated by multimillionaire media barons. You thought I was joking before, didn’t you? Now, doesn’t it just make sense to organise mass guillotines for these people? Don’t cry for them, they’re already dead.

Let’s first understand the facts: the basic rate of Universal Credit is £334.91 a month. If you’re over 25. If you’re under 25, it’s £265.61, because… young people don’t need to buy things…? They’re all outside playing knock-a-door run and looking after their Tamagotchis aren’t they? How much money do they really need? Three Freddos a day for food only comes up to less than £30 a month, so if anything they’re vastly overpaid. That amounts to £4018.92 a year (£3187.32 for the kids to spend on Panini stickers). At your friends’ dinner party last Sunday, you wondered how Debbie could possibly survive on only 40k a year. Try 4k. Poverty in high definition. OK, I’ll accept, people on UC will get their rent paid (let’s not even start on the horrors of the satanically cruel UK housing market*), so yeah, you’re right, living the fucking high life. And how much is rent nowadays? Like, five grand a month, on average? They’re bloody raking it in! Why is your tax paying for people who weren’t smart enough to properly maintain the house that Daddy bought them for a graduation present? So take away that rent charge, and suddenly that £344.91 a month only needs to pay for all the bills, Council Tax, phone charges, food, clothing, basic living amenities… These chavs are living like kings! No wonder they can all afford phones and a complete pair of shoes! I’m paying for those luxuries, you layabout!

My mum got addictions, guess I got addictions on me too
My little sister scares me sometimes, whole generation doomed
We’re all anxious, you feel shit, got you lookin’ too much in the camera
We all feel alone, let’s be alone together any time I’m home
Antidepressant pick me back up anytime I’m stressin’
Scared to have kids, already see which way this headin’
Xan man get you so high, then back to the ground you fell
House full of girls, head for the hills, tryna be the man as well
Generation doomed too soon
Oh, maybe the way we move
Generation doomed too soon
Oh, maybe the way we move like
Generation fucked up
Generation on pills
Generation unloved
Generation sit home on your phone ’til you feel who you are ain’t enough
Generation on coke
Generation on smoke
Generation not here
Generation no hope
Generation no hope, yeah
Generation fucked up
Generation on pills
Generation unloved
Generation sit home on your phone ’til you feel who you are ain’t enough
Generation on coke
Generation on smoke
Generation not here
Generation no hope
Generation no hope, yea

Generation

(*landlords should all be executed. No, this isn’t me still doing ‘the bit’, landlords are actually profiting from people’s misery and are happily participating in crimes of humanity. They should be mass executed. Legally, I’m not encouraging you to kill your landlord, and I have to say they’ll probably be consequences of that particular action, I’m just saying that not everyone would hate you for that. A.L.A.S (All Landlords Are Scum))

And, secondly, you have to accept the truth that your life isn’t a tiny percentage as difficult as someone forced by capitalist orthodoxy to claim Universal Credit! I know, it’s scandalous that your new promotion has raised your wages to £60k a year and into the 40% tax bracket. You’re working so hard just to pay for these people to have an easy life! That’s a good point, and the reason so many people quit their well paid jobs to go on UC because it’s so widely accepted as an easier lifestyle (which would be impossible because the UK welfare system now uses horrendous and dehumanising psychocompulsion to force the unemployed to keep looking for work or attending compulsory re-education courses to convince them that the inability to find a job is a problem with them personally, not wider society. You cannot claim UC unless you prove you’ve spent 40 hours each week looking for work. But we don’t have time for that right now!). Then why don’t you just go on welfare then, Cedric? Oh, you have more self respect? Yeah, your job sitting next to a computer for 40 hours a week keeping a track on Kelloggs’s social media impressions to make sure other people make money is a real calling, isn’t it? Everyone has so much respect for you, Cedric. And that 60k a year, might sound like a lot, but you actually have a lot of outgoings don’t you? The essential stuff like the gardener and the Hello Fresh subscription and two holidays a year. I actually agree with you, under decaying capitalism you are forced to spend a lot just in order to feel the requisite sense of humanity. Of course you need to protect yourself and your own mental health. These are essentials, aren’t they? So how exactly are the almost six million people on Universal Credit supposed to afford this basic humanity on four grand a year?

Seriously, fuck you, Cedric. I wasn’t supposed to tell you this, but your wife’s been fucking the gardener for months now, she’s been so unfulfilled considering you’ve not been able to get an erection since Princess Margaret dies in 2002.

Comrade Jeshi, dude, this album is an incredible spotlight on British life – British poverty – in 2022, and also it turns out the best rap album of the year. This shit is essential and I do not wanna hear another Beyoncé “Release your job” from now until the coming revolution.

Just gonna… stick this link… here…

And this one…

…and this one…

BandCamp

Metacritic: 83

One thought on “#8 Jeshi: Universal Credit

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