Rumble in the Bumble pt.9

Previous parts

I don’t mind telling you, sports fans, I really hate this blog right now. In fact, I’d even go as far as to say that this fucking blog has very much replaced alcohol in my life, in that it might be good for a few laughs and occasionally leads to opportunities of great fun and the odd sexual encounter*, but more generally it is the source of basically every fuck up that I ever make. Notice how I seemed to become far less concerned with this dumb Bumble series last week, and yet now I’m obviously keen to write it again in order to take my mind of something?? Well, come to your own conclusions.

(*I should be clear here that this statement was mostly a joke, less than a dozen women have had sex with me because of this blog)

Recent incidents in my life have really forced me to question ‘What kind of a fucking person am I?’. Well, luckily, if you remember way back in part 8 we were introduced to people who described themselves as things like ‘INJF‘ and ‘INJP‘ and ‘INXS‘ and ‘INTEL INSIDE‘, which I obviously initially read as cool street talk for certain sexual peccadilloes, such as ‘Inner Neck Japanese Fun’ or ‘I Negate Jordan Peterson’ (that’s basically just existing as a transgendered or nonbinary person), but it turns out these were actual personality types!!

“The Myers–Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) is an introspective self-report questionnaire indicating differing psychological preferences in how people perceive the world and make decisions“. Yes. I need that. Please explain why I am as big a dick as I am, so next time I make someone angry or upset with me, I can just say “Not my fault! I’m a DICK (Dirty Insensitive Careless Kunt) personality type!”. Where do I get me one of these tests??

Awwwwwww, what?? ‘Certified professionals’?? ‘Cost’??? Fuck that, I’m not paying for this bullshit! Come on, it’s 2020, we don’t pay for anything anymore, certainly not bullshit pseudo psychology! This is going to take a great deal of my investigative journalism skills.

Five years studying journalism at Harvey University. Before that I would just type ‘PLEASE HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!’ into Google when I had an issue. This one looks fine:

‘It’s a little bit creepy’. That’s their sell. Yes please! Imagine if you were offering free personality tests on Withington High Street, I imagine you’re only likely to get proper interest if you ensure the hesitant potential clients that it’s ‘a little bit creepy’! I appreciate the honesty, all personality tests are at least ‘a little bit creepy’, you’re asking somebody who has never met you before to tell you exactly what your own personality is. Although I would go further- to have such a poor grasp on your own personality that you’re willing to outsource the judgement of your own being to an outside invigilator as being ‘a bit fucking ridiculous’. This is going to be fun!

Well, this has already taken me far longer than twelve minutes, so there’s the first lie. Answering honestly is always difficult for me in any situation, but I suppose I’ll try and make an exception. No ‘neutral’ answers? How much are you willing to bet that my honest answer to every question is going to be ‘somewhere in the middle’?

Now, there’s an interesting qualifier in that sentence. If it asked me simply if I enjoyed social events with lots of people, then I would have to land dead centre because it would of course depend on what social event and which types of people were there. I mean, I’m sure there would be lots of people at the great social event of the Nazi Party’s annual Nuremberg Rally, but I probably wouldn’t enjoy that. However, if this social event was a mass orgy at the Playboy Mansion in the 1980s then… No, I’d probably hate that even more. Christ, the whole Playboy Mansion thing is so fucking gross, isn’t it? But, importantly, they stress that this is a ‘vibrant’ social event. That’s already a value judgement! Of course I enjoy social events that I’ve already deemed ‘vibrant’! I mean, Janelle Monae at the opening of the Manchester International Festival last summer was a ‘vibrant social event’, and I loved that! I reckon I’m pretty high on this.

Next question is another banker:

A-ha, hmmmm, hehe, hoo-mama! Firstly, almost every woman I’ve pursued is an ‘unrealistic yet intriguing idea’. I’ve never been entirely sure what my level is in terms of physical attractiveness, but I’ve often feared that it’s fucking abysmal, so spending time on ‘unrealistic and intriguing’ options is basically my only choice. Plus, I’m a pathetic daydreamer who spends far too much time thinking about sky high plans and ideas that are simply never going to happen. So, yeah, this is me all over, but I best change the question slightly:

The next question is the most difficult one so far:

To be honest, if left to my own devices, my travel plans are unlikely to extend much past ‘get to the airport and see what kind of places the airplanes seem to be going to’. However, I often travel with someone else who has the holiday plans down to which toilets we’ll be using at 3:16pm on the fourth day, and I’m often happy to bow to their superior planning. My own plans are likely to be non existent, but I’m still likely to follow a detailed itinerary made by someone else. See what I mean? Fucking complicated. I guess I kind of agree:

The next question is… wow… yeah…

That is, honestly, about 92% of what I do. To me, ‘thinking’ simply means ‘regretting saying/not saying that really dumb/profound thing about ten years ago’. I have ‘resting regret face’. Fuck, honestly, even seeing that question written down has inspired a long and painful rumination on past failings. Some, erm, rather more recent than I’d like. Christ, this questionnaire is forcing me to hate myself. If you actually pay for this test does it make you feel a little better?

Sigh… If you’re reading this, I’m really, really sorry. That statement could apply to about 2’804 people.

Hmmmm, if I have one problem, it’s probably that I too often see friends coming to me with problems as them asking for my sage advise, preferably in the form of a parable like I’m King fucking Solomon, rather than just offering the emotional support that they’re obviously after.

God, I am such a prick, aren’t I?

Ha. Haha. Hahaha!

Yeah, now this has got me thinking about that guy I walked past in the street in 2008 who mocked my t-shirt because he claimed The Klaxons were ‘over’. They weren’t over! They still had two middlingly regarded and critically tolerated albums left in them! No, I’m not still upset about it! I’m crying tears for the band not receiving the respect they deserve!!

Oh my God, this is going to take forever!

I thought those questions were it! Turns out it was only the first page of ten! Holy snake oil, Batman, how long does it take to tell someone that their personality is ‘Often quiet but very artistic and with hidden depths nobody else can notice’??

It’s often said of the British Bulldog that he was the greatest ever wrestler unable to ‘carry’ a match, that is to say he was capable of great matches but only if the other participant turned up as well. I consider myself to be ‘The British Bulldog of Conversations’, in that I’m maybe the world’s greatest conversationalist but only if the other person leads me to the correct talking points. Left to my own devices, as you will have noticed, I’ll just start talking about the British Bulldog.

I might have to take tomorrow off work to finish this…

What? I mean… yeah… whatever…

Right, we really need to be cracking on through these:

The whole weekend you say?? I see that, and I’ll raise you…

(shrug emoji)

Absolutely not as issue. Whether the people I care about would appreciate that affection is another matter entirely, of course.

Nope! I’m just hanging onto the mast of life’s great galleon and screaming with joy as the sea takes the boat wherever the fuck it fancies. I’m not even sure if I believe in free will, only the illusion of it, so fuck it, ain’t no point spending too much time planning something that’s already automatic, is there? Oh! An electric guitar! Yeah, I’m tied to life’s mast while playing electric guitar. Did I really choose to do that, or were my natural impulses always going to draw me there? Doesn’t matter. Here I am. Fucking rockin’!!

Nah man, I’m parties I’m tied to the freakin’ mast playing some rocking electric guitar!! What? You can use the same analogy twice.

I am those people.

Nope. There’s only ever, like, two movies that I ever want to watch. These questions are getting a bit prosaic, aren’t they? Just tell me I’m a misunderstood genius like Leonard Da Vinci!

Not especially. Like, right now I’m under pressure to finish this blog post before the end of the day, and I don’t mind telling you, sports fans, that I’m sweating.

Are your dreams a bit weird? I have to say yes, they often have this surreal dreamlike quality.

Are you a Capitalist?

Abso-cocking-lutely. My goal is to finish this endless personality test, and I am both dedicated and focused in doing so.

I never doubt my abilities or my knowledge, it’s other people’s mistakes that lead to mine. Like, maybe it was a huge mistake not to make me better at my job. That’s on you.

I mean… kinda.. it depends how attractive the new people are, so much context to consider!

Jesus Christ, we really might have to skip to the end here, I can’t seriously be expected to think of funny and/or insightful things to say about all of these 65’556 questions!

Jesus. Fucking. Christ. Eleven minutes. My. Arse.

But we’re finally here! I finally know what personality type I am! And let me tell you, sports fans, it’s a doozy.

Check me out! I’m like a cute little fucking fairy queen! To be honest, I’ve always thought of my life as being like Florence Pugh sobbing as she drags her ridiculously ostentatious May Queen ceremonial around the burning farm at the end of ‘Midsommar‘, so that fits pretty well.

Yep, that’s me. Also, remember how those women in part 8 only had four letters to describe their basic bitch personalities? Well I’ve got the basic four plus an added fifth hyphenated onto the end! I’m so special! What do they stand for? I don’t know yet! I haven’t reached that part yet! Here’s my personality broken down for you:

Alright, pretty ‘turbulent’ personality, but otherwise pretty good stats. I can just own that turbulence anyway, can’t I? Actually, it turns out that my turbulence is in fact a pretty central part of my personality. That extra letter I have? Yeah, ‘turbulent’. INFP-T stands for ‘Introverted, iNtuitive, Feeling, Perceiving- Turbulent’, and I am usually referred to shorthand as a ‘Turbulent Mediator’. If I gain nothing else from this activity- and I near enough guarantee that I won’t– then at least, in ‘Turbulent Mediator’, I finally have my perfect rap name.

But- giggle!- what- guffaw!- fucking nonsense do they- fnarr!- say describes my personality?! This should by a ROFLcopter of LOLtastic giggles!!

Actually… they describe it pretty accurately… like, not perfectly, but close enough… I mean, it’s a little bit creepy… No jokes here at all, just grim self-analysis and the always horrid realisation that I’m not that special at all…

OK! Now just to upload it to my Bumble profile and…. and… and…