Rumble in the Bumble pt.8

Previous parts

Ah, Hurley. Remember Hurley? Sure you do, she spoke in code about hating the police and people from Cradley Heath, and made it very clear that she was after someone over six foot two despite announcing her lust for Calloway, who only lists his height as three foot nothing. All of that can be forgiven, but she announced one thing that many people would simply find utterly unforgivable:

Eugh! Eugh, eugh, eugh, eugh, eugh! A vegan!! Vegans are the worst aren’t they?? With their… with their… with their vegatables… and… and… and their… and their… fucking… lentils… We all hate vegans, don’t we?

Vegans are our pet peeve, aren’t they? We fucking hate the cunts! In fact, we say our pet peeves are vegans and people with no manners, but they’re pretty much the same person, aren’t they? Eat this animal carcass, you fucker! You have such bad manners!! Vegans are as bad as Gemma fucking Collins aren’t they?? Because, as we all know, Gemma Collins is a fuckwad, because… erm…

We hate vegans so much, that we even self-identify as not being one, as if the fact that you’ve never once considered the possible ethical and/or environmental drawbacks of the industrial meat industry as a shining example of your proud ignorance. I mean, that’s fine, but it’s not as if my bio proudly proclaims how I don’t read. I just guess. There’s more than one sign but it’s getting less.

In fact, I think ’50 Shades of Grey’ has already had its time in the spotlight:

(OK, no joke, the second I changed my bio, someone actually Superswiped/Abdominal Ruptered me! I’ll get round to her soon enough, I’ve just got a lot to write about first! I got women, I got women, in different area… comen… Hey, leave off me, ‘hos’ and ‘codes’ is hardly the most watertight rhyme to begin with!)

Why do people hate vegans so much?

No. No. No. Don’t give me the standard response, don’t give me that ‘They never shut up about it!’ bullshit, that has never been the case. Name me one vegan you’ve ever met who ‘never shut up’ about being a vegan. Oh, that one guy you kind of remember from university? Are you counting the times you offered someone a cooked animal carcass and them politely refusing as being a time someone ‘never shut up’ about their veganism? You shut up. No, I didn’t ask for the reason people give for hating vegans- saying that you hate vegans because ‘they never shut up about it’ is like saying you voted for Donald Trump because you were concerned about Hilary Clinton’s emails– I’m interested in why people really hate vegans.

Well, I think there are a few minor reasons. Firstly, we just hate people who disagree with us. Full stop. A lot of vegan hate is simply an attempt to win a philosophical disagreement by bringing into disrepute the person you’ve imagined making the argument rather than having any sort of debate. This also ties into the major reason we hate vegans, which I’ll soon get to. We also don’t like it when somebody holds an idea that is largely based on the belief that you’re doing something wrong. But then why don’t we hate religious people with similar vigor? Religious people don’t just think you sometimes eat gross things, they likely think every single thing you marks you out as one on Satan’s plaything and that you’re doomed to spend eternity flossing demons’ teeth with your foreskin. I mean, a Jewish guy looks at you and thinks that difference between his soul, in all its independence, inner desires, longings, character and standing, and the soul of all dirty Gentiles like you, on all of their levels, is greater and deeper than the difference between the soul of a man and the soul of an animal. And you’re cool with that?? Yet some student says that eating dead animals is needless and fuck her, right?!

The difference is… we all kind of know that religion is bullshit, don’t we? Yeah, some of us might ‘believe’ it, but we don’t actually believe it, do we? Not really. We appreciate it, sure, and we’re smart enough to recognise how much help a belief in religion is to a great many people, and don’t we all have ‘Gods’* that we ‘pray to’** every night, hmmm? But as an actual and literal belief it’s all a bit too abstract and silly, isn’t it? An old guy in a funny hat telling you that some Lovecraftian demon is going to claw at your skin for eternity because you don’t wear braces on a Tuesday or whatever is about as meaningful as your nephew claiming you’re going to be fucked because you’re not carrying enough fire based Pokemon in your Pokedex.

(*genitals)

(**masturbate)

But people hate vegans for the same reason people hate gay people. Because, deep down, you know that they’re onto something, don’t you? You already have a deep, borderline debilitating recognition that you’re doing the wrong thing. You know that you shouldn’t be eating meat, you know that it’s wrong to have living beings mechanically slaughtered just so you have that bit of texture between slices of bread and underneath layers of special sauce and Szechuan spunk, you know it’s ethically unforgivable to support an industry that is probably more harmful to the environment than freaking cars. Those misreported sounds of vegans ‘going on about it’? Exist solely in your head. That’s shame fuckin’ wit’ ya. Just like homosexuality. Yeah, kind of forgot I started that analogy.

People who hate vegans are my pet peeve, yeah? The worst people in the world.

Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurgh!! Apart from these people!! I’m not going to ask her why, partly because she is a subhuman buffoon who deserves not an ounce of my valuable attention, but mostly because I know what her dumb fucking answer is going to be: “They’re just doing their job!!”. Right. Fine. Nobody should be thanked for things that they’re financially recompensed for. In that case, we should never thank the police, firefighters or the army. Does this woman refuse to say ‘thank you’ to cashiers? Jesus, what a shameless fuckturnip. I’m not going to say I hope the next plane she’s on crashes, because that would be considered a bit too much, all I’m saying is, were it not to be considered too much, I’d probably say that. But it is. So I’m not. Wow, Bumble, you’re especially grim today…

Really grim. Wait… are those all sexual references…? Geri Halliwell’s eldest daughter is 14 in May, these ‘people in the past’ are all fucking perverts.

Hahahahaha! Mental!!

*shudder* You think you’re prepared for how sick and depraved online dating can be in some corners of the internet, but…

Another sicko!

OK, this is a cheap one, but… come on.

I’ve got another suggestion of what your new peoject should be. OK, no more just laughing at typos, even I’m better than that (‘devorse’, though? I’m not sure that even looks like a typo, I would almost suggest that’s just how she thinks the word is spelled). I particularly like how this is in the ‘two truths and a lie’ category, so you might meet this woman only for reveal that she’s a great cook and swimmer but, no, she is not in the least bit interested in improving herself in any way. Hey, it made me smile. Swipe right.

Wait…

What…?

Respect to those essential healthcarers.

I also noticed a strange, almost definitely disgustingly depraved, sexual preference that a lot of women seem to be indicating that they’re into:

Some women describe themselves as ‘INFJ’, while one describes herself as ‘INFP‘ (as well as saying she has ‘high standards’. Come on, high standards are such a turn off). Now, if you’re my age you’ll know that ‘INFJ’ is a shorthand for someone being ‘away on other business’, or ‘absent without leave’, with the suggestion that he or she may be up to no good, and their reasons for being absent might not be altogether wholesome.

“Where’s Philip, we’re due to be waving on the balcony in five minutes”

“Philip? INFJ, as usual, ma’am”.

Short for ‘In Netto Fucking Jaffa (cakes)’, as I grew up before the internet, so the absolute most pleasurable and seedily secretive thing you could do was to sneak into the popular Danish supermarket chain and stick your dick in a Jaffa Cake. If you catch them just when they’re new in store, and the sponge is still warm and the jam sticky then it feels just…. mmmmm!

So I’m told.

I somehow doubt this is what these women are referring to though. I’m not even sure Netto still exists.

Holy shit, you guys, there’s, like, loads of personality types. I assumed there were three- funny, dull and ‘bit arsey’- but there’s actually sixteen! Yeah, I know, some of those ‘personality types’ are almost definitely filler, after they’ve named about six or seven personality types, they’ll start counting stuff like ‘smells the toilet paper after wiping bum’ and ‘clap on airplanes’ and ‘not vegan’ as personality types. Regardless, I’m definitely doing the personality test soon and I’m definitely working it into my profile!

Anyway, INFJ? Stands for ‘Inverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Judging’. I mean… kinda stands for it, they took some liberties with ‘Intuitive’ there, didn’t they? It seems these two women are essentially describing themselves as ‘quiet and judgy’. “People with INFJ personalities are creative, gentle, and caring. INFJs are usually reserved but highly sensitive to how others feel”. We’ve got an other empath!!

It also states that “The INFJ type is said to be one of the rarest with just one to three percent of the population exhibiting this personality type”, so it’s pretty amazing to spot two of them out in the wild like this! If we look at other people who are INJFs, we can really see how honoured we are to be in these women’s presence:

What about INFP though? Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling and Podgy? Unfortunately, it isn’t a typo, but even though I was joking with the letters standing for near enough the exact same thing, turns out I wasn’t far off: Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling and Prospecting. Prospecting?? So this woman is basically exactly the same as the other two, except rather than moping around judging people, she’s out looking for gold?? I know who I’d rather be with! “People with this kind of personality tend to be introverted, idealistic, creative and driven by high values”? Didn’t we just do that?? Are all sixteen of these personality types quiet creative people who are amazing on the inside but nobody else can see it? I fucking hate this bullshit. I cannot wait to do the test. So who are you claiming to be like if you say you’re an INFP?

“Have you met Paul? Yeah, he’s pretty much a mix between William Shakespeare, JRR Tolkein and Princess fucking Diana”

This is brilliant. I no longer care about Bumble. And yeah, we’re all thinking it: what personality type was Hitler? I mean, talk about judgy…

Talking of Hitler, I’d like to leave you today with ‘Anne’, perhaps my favourite discovery on this recent particularly grim trudge through the absolute drecks of my Bumble options. We’ve encountered a few women who have been mysterious, some who have warranted a little bit of further reading to fully understand. Not Anne. Anne lays it all out on the fucking table:

No comment needed on this tragic memoir. I’ll just say that, given the tone and context it’s within, doesn’t ‘I’ve been to Aushwitz’ sound strangely like a threat…?

Anyway, that’s more than enough for today. It’s been an emotionally draining one that’s going to require a few days rest. Remember all those people I was matched up with last time? Yeah, none of them made contact with me. Remember the woman who superswiped me earlier in this very fucking article? She seems to have deleted her account and disappeared. She obviously ‘Abdominal Teared’ me by accident, and committed suicide because of the shame. This is useless, isn’t it? There’s absolutely nobody out there who’s right for me. This series has now become a solitary therapy to come to terms with the reality of dying alone…

W-w-w.. wha…? You… you’ve been to….? Wh-which Wrestlemania…? Was it last year’s...? Was it 32…? W-w-w-w… Was it Wrestlemania 30…??

She wouldn’t be lying, would she? That’s be a very cruel thing to lie about…