We humans, we love two things. In fact, we animals love two things… We organisms love two things. Sure, you might have your own individual things that you like. You, Susan, for example, you really love downloading photographs of ducks off the internet, don’t you? You Google Image search, you right click, you save the duck photo to C:/staff/Susan/PRIVATE/EVEN MORE PRIVATE/SERIOUSLY, YOU SHOULDN’T BE HERE/Ducks, and then… what? You don’t do anything with the 56’963 duck photos, do you Susan? You just like to know that there there, don’t you?

Don’t worry, you’re not breaking any law in liking all these duck photos, and the fact that your office have had serious talks with you about it is more about them being concerned about your general mental well being than any real specific misdemeanour. It’s probably a genetic defect though. Much like me liking the 80+ music albums I’ve named on this fucking list. Me liking music and you liking duck photographs serves no wider purpose, and is really pointless in the grand scheme of things. As living organisms, there are only two things that we really like.

We like to survive, and we love to fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

To fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck us humans need to make ourselves desirable. The only reason I get up in the morning and have a shower is because I know mathematically that a woman is much less willing to fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck me when I smell like what I smell like. I work part time and volunteer at a refugee charity, but is that because I really, sincerely want to help some of the world’s most ill-treated and abused people? I mean… yeah. That’s definitely what I’m saying to you right now. That’s definitely the reason I’m giving. But, even if I was lying- which I absolutely am not*-that’s what I’d say. Maybe I’m just in the game because it providing support to these people gives me first pick of vulnerable exotic ladies to fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. Or maybe I’m just using the charity as a leg up into the Immigration Law game, because I know how desirable lawyers are, and how much more they’re likely to fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. I’m definitely not*, but I would understand that, as we humans are always wanting to signal how smart, succesful and powerful we are. It makes us more likely to fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck, you see?

(*which is what I would say if I was lying. I’m not. But, again, that’s exactly what I would say if I was. Everything you’re reading is true, but if I was lying the whole idea would be to state that false things was true. I’m not, but just be aware of how lies work and any lie often necessitates further lies. There are no lies though. Which is exactly <that’ll do- Ed>)

In the West, one company is close to completely owning the entire franchise of being desirable. Apple has always known that sex and luxury are completely irrational impulses, and became the biggest company in the world by appealing to those irrational pulls. Apple isn’t the biggest company in the world because its products do things well, ‘doing things well’ is for the nerdy Bill Gateses of this world, the dorks sitting at their PC doing work and building powerful machines– these people never fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck! Apple put adverts in Vogue rather than Den of Geek, and had supermodels come to their product launch, and building ridiculous glass stores as giant churches to the religion of Apple. People don’t invest thousands of pounds into buying the iPhone X because they’ve read in At Least Mother Loves You magazine that the HZ rate is top notch and the fingerprint recognition places it markedly above similarly priced brands. People buy the iPhone because they need it in order to signal to potential mates that they make a good living, appreciate the art and have disposable income. Your kids are more likely to survive if you mate with a iPhone owner. An iPhone owner is, most definitely, good to fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

Apple learned from Microsoft’s mistakes. Microsoft’s method was always to advertise their dull, unsexy machines basically around the central message of ‘THIS IS A REALLY GOOD COMPUTER BECAUSE WE’RE A FUCKING HUGE COMPANY AND WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO, FUCKFACE? FUCK OFF. AND BUY OUR PRODUCT ON THE WAY OUT. CUNT”. Microsoft never felt it had to lower itself to improving the company’s image, it was unimaginably huge and wealthy and so didn’t see the point in any of that hippy bullshit. This also meant that it was often called up on its bullshit. Apple has always been eager to position itself as a company of hippy dippy liberal nonsense, all ‘think differently’ and ‘You’re harshing my buzz, man‘ and ‘Take a hit on this, bra!‘. This is because they knew how progressives are more likely to be thought of as weak, and the bullshit facade led to far less interference as they unfairly steamrollered the competition. And the West fell for it. We only really say we’re against unfair monopolies, but when we actually encounter one we get a bit weak at the knees and start to swoon. You earn that much money?? Your penis must be huge! Wanna fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck? Disputing businesses that big soon becomes a macho test: “You wanna limit their power?? Someone’s a little insecure about the size of his own business!”.

Of course, controlling the sexual libidos of only half the world is never going to impress your stockholders, so Apple obviously had to try and con China the same way.

Despite acting in the rest of the world like their far too cool to listen to The Man’s rules and, like, far too wasted to learn about your antitrust laws, man, Apple are sucking up to the Chinese government in an embarrassing way. In a way, this is understandable, because China is the world’s biggest smartphone market, but it’s a bit galling that the company has made it quite clear that they don’t give a shiny iShit about consumer laws and practices in other countries and yet are willing to do anything the brutal and undemocratic Chinese government asks as long as it ensures a few more iPhones shipped to Dongzhou. When confronted about the ethics of (apparently) Gandhi’s favourite multinational technological corporation working with the Chinese government, and they responded with how they feel they’d be able to do more good working from within. Which is Absolute Bullshit, even if we were told exactly how they were going to do good. The thing is, despite the numbers looking strong above, and Apple being more popular than water everywhere else in the world, Apple really isn’t a big deal in China.

About six years ago Apple were pretty huge in China. Probably bigger than any one country and at one point with absolutely the power to make a change in the country if they chose to. They chose not to, because money, and the Chinese government did something that governments in the West have been too intimidated to do (or just plain aroused by such a huge company’s macho energy), and started putting restrictions and controls on Apple. They saw that it was getting too big (y’know, about as big as it is in your country, whatever country you’re reading this in) and put a stop to it. Whatever their thinking behind it, they showed the rest of the World they needn’t be bullied into accepting Apple’s monopoly.

You can do your tiny bit by throwing a fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck to someone who doesn’t oown a iPhone. Fight the commodification of desire!

What do you mean, ‘tangential’?? What do you call this?!

Don’t you ever question my methods! No fucking idea where I was going with the duck photographs thing though…

Sophie: Oil of Every Pearl’s Uninside

Or: The Other 2018 Electronic Album I Couldn’t Think of What to Write About

46 Minutes

Yes. That is how long this record lasts.