73 Topaz Jones: Arcade

Ho-hoo! Another brilliant albums! We’ve really stepped it up a gear now, haven’t we ladies and gentlemen!?








Whenever you listen to Topaz Jones’s impossibly debonair second album, you are scientifically proven to immediately become up to 43.6% more cool


Mr Jones’s music has probably never been described as ‘debonair’ before, seeing as it has mainly been released post 1865



Can you even imagine how cool I am with that extra 43.6%?? I’m setting shit on fy-yah!



‘Topaz Jones’ now that’s a name



‘Arcade’ is an infectious blast of ten beacons of pure pop-rap joviality, guaranteed to make you utterly forget how much of a dismal pit of misery the world is increasingly rapidly sinking into for about half an hour, and if you let Topaz throw his arm around your shoulder he’ll momentarily make give you second thoughts about that thing you’ve got planned at Ashton Job Centre next Thursday that newspaper reports on will end with ‘…before turning the gun on himself’


They’re not really ‘blasts” though, more crooked smiles as Topaz meets your eyes across a crowded dancefloor playing another Godawful song that everyone else seems to idiotically enjoy, as he shrugs his shoulders as if to say ‘Yeah, but we can still have fun, can’t we?’



Because He was the coolest cat to ever walk the Earth, something this cool automatically gets the full

10 Prince Points


I’m just disappointed that Mr Jones’s witty wordplay stopped with Ms Ryder, he could have let the song go on for ten minutes:






OK, I’ll stop now…

Metacritic: n/a

Pah, it’s way too cool for that

Length 35 minutes +11

Number of AMAZING songs: 1 (+10)

Best Lyric: ‘He trying to roll me up, I ain’t picking up/Headed to the club, I ain’t thinking ’bout you’ +1

Is the last song just the first track but played on Ukulele? No -1

Total 124.6



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