In Hamburg in 1834, a young army officer, Baron von Ropp, was attempting to woo the uncommonly beautiful Countess Lodoiska, the green eyed widow of a Polish general, but was wary that the handsome young army officer Baron von Trautmasdorf posed a serious challenge for the beauty’s affections. Because this was the early 19th century, and history is fucking brilliant, Von Ropp felt the best way to lesson the threat of his rival was to slander his good name. Which he did. By writing a poem. About his moustache
Von Ropp circulated a poem among the two men’s circle of friends that highlighted how Von Trautmasdorf’s moustache was pathetically thin and floppy, and alluded to the fact that perhaps other parts of his anatomy shared this distinction
He was talking about his willy
In 1834 the absolute best way of signalling your suitability to a potential mate was to write a poem that compared a rival’s facial hair to their genitals. Again: history was brilliant
Listen, I know: Baron von Trautmansdorf, Baron von Ropp, it sounds like I’m making this up, but honestly!
Von Trautmansdorf was understandably outraged at such a besmirching, and so the only sensible way to settle their disagreements was through a duel. Both men were not yet thirty years old. They both died in the ensuing fight
So, y’know, K-Tempo’s take on performance poetry is always going to pale in comparison, isn’t it?
In this writer’s opinion, poetry never really recovered from Richard Nixon’s 1968 decree that it no longer had to rhyme. I mean, it’s just open season now, isn’t it?
But, despite a distinct lack of comparing rivals’ facial features to their genitals, ‘Let Them Eat Chaos’ (I… I think I like that name… +0.5…) is an album of enraged performance poetry that isn’t close to being as bad as you’d imagine an album of enraged performance poetry to be
Concept albums don’t get a decent press, what with their association with ugly bearded 70s rockers writing about an elf deciding to make a late career change into system mechanics, but I love me a good Co-Al. Tempest’s effort, concerning the different lives of disperate people living inside the same council block, is a worthy task
Only ocassionally does it stumble into the sort of cringeworthy sixth form that you’d assume it would entirely consist of
and more often the perfectly pitched dubstep-lite of the musical backing ensures that any (admittedly rare) lyrical clangers are forgotten
Is dubstep still a thing?
‘In France a skinny man died of a big disease with a little name/By chance his girlfriend came across a needle and soon she did the same/At home there are 17 year old boys/And their idea of fun/Is being in a gang call The Disciples/High on crack/And toting on machine guns’: since He pretty much invented socially conscious poetry, Kay-Tem gets
5 Prince Points
2016 Simile of the year: ‘Lookin’ like some street smart, arrogant gnome’
I listened to a lot of records in 2016/17/18/19 <can you delete this as appropriate when it becomes clear when you’re actually going to release this fucker?- Ed> , and so it’s just about possible that I didn’t afford some albums the attention and respect they deserve, so this award is for the releases that just feel to me may well have deserved better. It doesn’t win any points though, because that would mean the album would climb the list, and the whole point of the award would be obliterated
Length 47 minutes –1
Number of AMAZING songs:
Nnnnnng, Mmmmm, kinda 1, but I’m still debating whether it’s scientifically a proper banger, so it only gets a
Best Lyric: ‘Why can’t you see me? Why can’t you see me?/Why can’t you see me?/Everyone else can’ +1
Is the last song just the first track but played on Ukulele? No -1
Jesus, look at all this shit: