72 Luke Haines: Smash the System

If ISIS rang and told me that they’d kidnapped my family and would brutally execute them all unless I started naming my favourite albums ever released, I’d first make clear my thoughts that their terrorism was in real danger of losing its edge and question how exactly such an exercise conforms to their particular vision of Islam, no matter how warped it is. I would then ask them to specify the order in which they would be executing my family, as if they’re going to execute Paula or Viscous-Smithweldy first I’m in no great hurry, but if Juicy Lucy <child services have a court order saying you’re not allowed to call her that anymore, please delete- Ed> is up for decapitation first then I’d be a little more urgent, as she’s already a looker- by far the fittest girl in her preschool- and I’m planning to profit on her comeliness later in her life, perhaps by getting her to advertise something with her top off. And then I’d ask who exactly they considered ’family’, as I’m not going to break my back for any ex wife or second cousin, or…

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