What the actual fuck? You’re from the fucking Isle of Wight! What’s this rogue ‘Z’ doing in the album title?? Moisturiser, please! What would King Arwald say, the last pagan king in England and last king of the Isle of Wight? You really think that’s going to break you in America??
Actually… top 50 album in the US…? That’s… not to be sniffed at at all…
OK, carry on, you obviously all know what you’re doing.
You wanna fuck me, I know, most people do
Looka there, liquor in my hand
The grandbaby of a moonshine man
Gadsden, Alabama
Got folk down Gavelston, rooted in Louisiana
They used to say I spoke too country
Then the rejection came, said I wasn’t country ‘nough
Said I wouldn’t saddle up, but
If that ain’t country, tell me, what is?
I’m going to say this right out the bat, less you start reading this under false expectations: I do not give one shiny shit about what fucking genre of music you say you’re a part of. This is Beyoncé’s country album. Is it real country though?? Well, she’s wearing a cowboy hat on the cover and she mentions whiskey a lot. The title of the album has the word ‘cowboy’ in it, for fuck’s FFS! What more do you people want??
Listen, do you know which comedy series now holds the record for most Emmy wins? The fucking Bear! Have you seen that show? It’s 30 minutes of stressed Catholic Americans shouting “BEHIND!” at each other and having emotional breakdowns to the soundtrack of 90’s REM songs. I think that show has had about two jokes in its entire run so far. Well, ‘Cowboy Carter’ features Willie Nelson, Dolly Parton and Miley Cyrus – literally the only three country singers I could name and the three undisputed geniuses of the genre – so by my maths it’s at least 50% more of a country album that The fucking Bear is a comedy show. Case closed, move on everyone.
‘Abd a-Rahman Mahmoud ‘Abd al-Fatah ‘Abd a-Nabi
I got these
Really neat (Really neat, really neat)
Very beautifully
Alliterated
Little battle raps for you
OK, so mark it down: this is the first album that I’ve come to so far that I’ve rated way too low. This album’s fucking mega! And thirty-fucking-second?? Geddafuggardahere! Trust me, there are some stinkers lower down on this list.
Well… not stinkers, but… y’know…
‘Cowboy Carter’ is still to come? Geddafuggardahere!
I have to say, ‘concept albums’ give me a bit of an ick. If you’re going to go all in, dress up a smurfs, sing all the lyrics in n’avi, and get James Cameron to pilot you to the bottom of the ocean to record the whole album in one whole live take before the deep ocean pressure causes the submarine to explode, killing everyone on board, instantly, that I can respect. Like, I don’t even know what ‘concept’ you’re going for there, and I guess it’s a shame you didn’t survive to edit the Genius entry, but by gahd I respect the dedication!
Mayar Jamal Jaber Abu Musbih
2018 #16, 2016 #112 (!!!), 2013 #15
They came number one hundred and twelfth in 2016?! Sorry, I’ve just made myself feel a little ill by reminding myself of how many fucking albums I used to include on this dumb year end list that nobody reads. I did one hundred and seventeen albums in total that year, in one of the greatest years for music of the last two decades at least, so The Joys were unfortunately near the bottom of the pile with easily their weakest album. Dead bottom was Damian Lazarus who – and you’ll like this – actually slagged me off on Twitter because of the review!! I mean, fuck me, I know these days I am The Most Trusted Voice in Music™, but back then I think I had about 300 views in total across the whole year!! I had only just started my current Twitter account and had nine followers!! Damian Lazarus, you absolute fucking muppet.
That retweet was from me, because it was fucking hilarious. And I stand with my response at the time:
I still think I suit a bald head,you know?
Continue reading “33 The Joy Formidable: Into the Blue”
“And I said that I was sorry about that line
I only wrote it cause it rhymed”
‘Last year’ I wrote for the first time in detail about my last suicide attempt. ‘Last’ as in ‘previous’, it takes a mighty pair of brass balls to confidently predict you’ll never attempt suicide in the future, no matter who you are. I wrote it because I was in a good place mentally and didn’t like feeling that it was this uncomfortable skeleton hanging in my closet, awkwardly swinging after a laughably failed attempt at hanging itself. Remember, I’m allowed to make those jokes, not you. Maybe you’ve read it, because it was the most viewed post ever on this blog, because you’re all sickos. Honestly, I really do hope another post overtakes it soon, as currently the example of what musters the absolute most traffic to my website is failed suicide bids. What if I felt I needed to repeat its success?? How do you even plan a failed suicide bid? I can’t very well jump off the bottom step of the stairs and then claim I’ve survived another suicide bid, can I? Well, maybe I could once, but after the fourth or fifth time I’d likely start losing the trust of readers. And that’s what’s most important to me, dear readers, your trust. Or just another random person visiting the site to assure me the clicks, I really couldn’t give a fuck. You’re all cattle to me.
Continue reading “35 Camp Cope: How To Socialise & Make Friends”
No artist currently working has as amazing a back catalogue of hit singles as Ri-Ri
Don’t agree? Diamonds? Umbrella? We Found Love? Only Girl? Take a Bow? Rude Boy? Disturbia? SOS? Shut Up and Drive? Don’t Stop the Music? Rehab? California King Bed? Banger, banger, banger, banger, fucking banger!!
If you take away the terrible singles from great singles, I’d put Paul McCartney at about -57, whereas Ri-Ri has barely any stinkers blemishing her record
Necessary Evil 