4 The Hotelier: Goodness

‘Goodness’ starts with a fucking poem

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Picture the scene: you’ve returned home after a hard day investment banking and immediately retired to the smoking library. You’ve taken off your driving gloves, unclipped the ‘Shaguar’ cufflinks that were already painfully dated when your laundry maid got you them for Christmas years ago, thrown on your smoking jacket, lit up a Silver Vogue Lucky Strike and reclined in the leather push back ready to hear the new collection by young upstarts The Hotelier

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(erm, that’s honestly the record cover, I’m not just being weird…)

You are greeted by a nerdy and presumably privileged white guy explaining to you how he deserves your pity and attention because he once fell in a pond when he was younger. In a fucking poem

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You are enveloped by dismay, the world is terrible, people are shit and make shit music, despair is the only feeling that washes over you

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Then the first song starts…

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Continue reading “4 The Hotelier: Goodness”

22 Wild Beasts: Boy King

Next time you’re at an Aerosmith concert- which is the type of humanatarian atrocity you often commit because you have the same laughable sense of taste in music as Homer Simpson and literally every artist you like is music that you’ve forgotten that you initially got into ironically- look out at the back of the crowd for a paunchy man in leather trousers and a faded ‘Toys in the Attic’ tour t-shirt and the kind of haircut that men only grow when they’re either unwilling or unable to accept that they’re bald. He’ll be disgusted that the band aren’t playing cheap Rolling Stones pastiches- a band that, lest we forget, are fucking shit in the first place- about a teenage girl having electric vaginal spasms, or whatever

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they’ll be muttering to themselves

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Continue reading “22 Wild Beasts: Boy King”

26 A Tribe Called Quest: We got it from Here… Thank You 4 Your Service

We love it when old people can still do stuff, don’t we?

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Roughly seven times every day local news recommends that we celebrate the fact that a 98 year old man still has his job as Tesco’s, inviting us to applaud open mouthed in marvel that an old person is still able to stack shelves for 8 hours a week without frequently shitting himself

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Not frequently

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My Gran is a real inspiration, as she’s 94 yet still walks up to two miles a day to post dog excrement through the letter box of immigrant families’ houses

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Continue reading “26 A Tribe Called Quest: We got it from Here… Thank You 4 Your Service”

101 Kevin Gates: Isiah

My contacts in the hip hop community

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warn me that ‘Kevin Gates; is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to uninspiring anf unmemorable rap names

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I have been reliably informed that the days of exciting nom de plumes such as Old Dirty Bastard, Tyler the Creator, Slap-de-Wit the Immortal Instigator and Watch My Dicky Leg are over

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‘Nom de plume’ in French literally translates as ‘the name of plumage’, as it is common for Gallic birds to have separate names for when they are fully-feathered, as Napoleon thought it obscene that ‘le disgustient pink merdes’ be attributed the same name when they are all naked and disgusting. For example, a plucked chicken body, the like of which you’re likely to buy in Le Tesco, is called ‘poulet’, while the proper, fully feathered beauty that you’re likely to decapitate to test urban legends down at the local farm is referred to as ‘ooh la la! Les pompe poulet de cheeky cheeky plume plume!’

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My contacts in the hip hop community assure me that I shall really notice the sea change in 2017, where I’ll see new releases by ‘Geoff Turnbull’, ‘Paul Johnson’ and ‘Stuart’. Remember Stuart? Well he’s dedicated four tracks to you on his debut rap album, maybe now you’ll give him the time of day? He knows that he’ll never replace your real Dad, but your Mother loves Stuart very much, and Christmas is going to be a lot easier this year if you at least acknowledge his presence

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Kevin Gates isn’t even his real name! It’s like me releasing my dope debut mixtape as Alexander Furnkwith

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My rap name would be Rhyme Minister. Rhyme Minister Yeah! Rhyme Minister Ho Need Yeah!

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It’ll be a Tony Blair reference, yes, because say what you will about his politics and the blood of half a million people on his hands, he once did that hilarious Catherine Tate bit for Comic Relief, so he’s obviously a top geezer

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See? Not bothered

Perhaps the greatest strength of Mr Gates’s (is it, like, a Bill Gates reference? Because that’s just… just…) debut album proper is how much of a fully realised solo offering: almost completely free of the endless guest spots that can far too often clutter and saturate rap albums, and with every hook and chorus coming exclusively through Gates

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And ‘Isiah’ is a procession of top quality hooks, hooks you could hang Mussolini off,

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hooks you could pester Peter Pan with, a real ‘hard hook story’, it’s an album done very much ‘by the hook’, it’s like the Farrelly Brothers film ‘Hook On You’, or the Happy Mondays song Wrote for Hook…

by hook or by crook….

like when Kurt Angle comes out…

and all the crowd start chanting…

…’you hook’…

…OK, I’m done…

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It’s just a shame that such a singular demonstration of Gates’s indisputable talents couldn’t have perhaps strayed a little from standard well crafted hip-hop, and no matter how fantastic its heights are, the lack of anything unique and unusual can make the record’s already testing length seem to especially drag

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‘She got me like Michael/Jackson, Jordan, it don’t matter to me’. See, that distinction really would matter to me…

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Bollocks… https://twitter.com/jamesknightbad

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 A small but pleasant pronunciation +5

Also, I don’t know why, but I was very impressed by the correct apostrophe usege in the title of Thought I Heard (Bread Winners’ Anthem)

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As further tribute to Prince

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I think points should be awarded for any artistic license taken with spelling (not grammer though, that shit’s biblical!!), so Kevin has to be applauded for Kno One. Is it meant to be ‘know one’, as in ‘I used to know one chap who refused to acknowledge the existence of Macedonia’, or ‘no-one’, as in ‘no-one has ever been to Macedonia, so why are we putting so much trust into so called ‘experts’?’? Either way, it’s equally wrong and so equally right

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‘You the only one that my dick could get hard for/I’m confused, what the fuck you want my heart for?’ That line has to be worth a good

8 Prince Points

Metacritic: +81

Ah, come on now….

Length 63 minutes –17

Best Lyric: ‘Bad motherfucker, God complex/Motivate your ass, call me Malcolm X’ +1

Is the last song just the first track but played on Ukulele? No -1

Total 70

Pics stolen from:

https://intl.target.com/p/kevin-gates-islah/-/A-50489578

https://www.usbornebooksathome.co.uk/catalogue/catalogue.aspx?cat=1&area=ED&subcat=EDD&id=7608

https://www.petful.com/grooming/why-do-cats-lick-each-other/

https://www.shutterstock.com/video/clip-14930800-stock-footage-woman-ticking-off-grocery-list-in-grocery-store.html

https://grayciebay.wordpress.com/2010/09/09/the-journey-of-a-plump-chicken/