Hey. Yo. Hey yo. You still there? Is anyone there? Is this whole list all just a tree having a manic episode in a forest when nobody’s there to utter the safe word? So you stop panic attacks with ‘safe words’? Yep. Pretty sure you do. Is this just the abyss at this point? If nobody’s reading, could I just, like, finally tell everyone that I was real Lockerbie bomber, and apologise that it caused a bit of a fuss? Because if not: no, of course I’m not, that was obviously a joke. But if so: yeah I did that shit.
Sorry, I’ve just kind of hit a brick wall. It happens every year, at some point I start to really question what the fucking point of all this is. Like, what am I actually doing? One time, I’m just going to stop writing one of these lists halfway through and never pick it up. You know how parents always like to repeat that “One day you’ll put them down and never pick them up again. And thank God, that fat little fuck is throwing my back out”? Well, one day I’ll just stop writing these lists and never start them again. And thank God, this fat little fuck is throwing my back out. Maybe because I’ve died. Spooky! I’ll be all afterlife and shit gettin ma ghost game on.
Not this year though. Probably. Probably not this year though. More than likely.Not. More than likely not, I mean, I’m probably doing one more post today, and I can actually think of things to say about the next artist
To be honest, this overbearing sense of ennui was probably kicked off by that fucking piece of US war crimes I did. It made me question the importance of what I did, question the meaning of contributing something so meaningless and, most importantly, I just didn’t think the post was very funny! Like, what am I even writing for?? I’m certainly not a musical critic, because music critics are hacks. I’m more of a philosopher. A political theorist, perhaps. I am, very much, goated with the sauce. I’m not a freaking journalist though! Look at me, reading articles! Collecting sources! That’s not what I do! Generally, as longtime readers will have no doubt noticed, I just vibe. That vibe will soon return, don’t worry. Hopefully before the top 20. Oh! We’re in the top 30 no! Makes it look like I’m doing all this intentionally, which I…
Ah, poor Santigold though, ‘Spirituals’ is banging. Actually, the whole Santigold ‘thing’ – coming back with radical new musical directions with each project – also suits a comparison I made in the Jenny Hval post, so I might just repeat it? You probably haven’t read that review, so you will never know. OK: picture me doing this ‘bit’ at a mid level bar’s open mic night. You’re drunk, obviously (because you’re a functioning alcoholic), but not too drunk, so I hope you can still appreciate my cerebral comedy with a critical ear.
OK *clears throat*
“OK, here’s the thing
Jenny Hval Santiold is very much like the TV show The Wire.
*some audience members clap and whoop. They know that show*
Have you seen this? Have you heard about this? Any Wire fans in the house tonight?
*those same audience members clap and whoop*
Now, I remember when I first watched all of The Wires, I finished the first season, I’d just about got my head around every character’s different and complex storylines and place withing the show’s meticulous hierarchy, I stick on season two, and…
*waits for crowd’s reaction. Unfortunately, they’re not really with him so far*
And I’m like, What??
*pause for the laughter. After eight seconds it becomes clear that none is imminent*
I need to learn about this completely different set of characters! Will you please go easy on my brain??
Thank you! You’ve been amazing!”
*the same audience members clap and whoop. They know The Wire!*
By the way, those audience members were my Mum and Cheryl, a woman she knows from Weightwatchers. Thanks Mum! Cheryl too, I guess, even if I found your views on conversion therapy a little problematic