#42 Ari Lennox: age/sex/location

Jesus, this record is far too classy for this list. I don’t feel like I’m paying it enough respect just lying here on my sofa. I’m still wearing the same shirt as I was yesterday, for Christ’s sake! I feel like I should be wearing a tie – perhaps a bow tie – or the general mood surrounding a listening to this intensely elegant record threatens to be laughably inappropriate.

No, Alex! This isn’t like all the other records, you can’t just be posting wrestling references that literally nobody is going to get! Put some respect on this album’s name! This album deserves low lighting, it deserves champagne on ice, it deserves candles, it deserves an open fire, it deserves a fur throw that you and your partner(s) are reclined upon. It also deserves lots and lots of sex.

Sex! Let’s talk about sex for a bit! I rarely mention sex on this blog, and certainly never in a positive context. Why do you think this is?

Firstly, let’s get the jokes out of the way: Talk about sex?? Why don’t I talk about travelling to Jupiter more, considering that’s something I have equal experience of?! OK, that’s one joke, put that in the bank. Here comes another: Talk about sex?? I thought that judge said U legally wasn’t even allowed to mention sex again, after what you did at Whalley Range High School in 2015?! There’s your second joke. Bit of a darker one, admittedly, but might raise a smirk among some of you edgelords. Let me think… Oh! Maybe one more: Talk about sex?? Do you think I talk about power, love and money enough already?! Yeah, not as strong that one, and perhaps presumes a knowledge of 2014 Manic Street Preachers album tracks that many readers may not possess. Their 91st greatest song ever though, and you’ve all read that list, right? I’m begging of you, do some studying outside class once in a while.

OK, happy now! You vultures all have your funnies now, we can move on to more serious talk. Perhaps, after my crippling injury in 2013 (have I ever mentioned that before? I joke, it’s provided me with countless content) I feel more apprehensive about what sex for me actually is these days? I’m not… normal… physically, and perhaps I try not to bring sex up too much because I’m still confused and doubtful about whether sex for me is even a viable option any more?

I’d say that was definitely a factor in the past, in the years following my permanent injury, despite a handful of drunken fumbles, I think I’d sadly decided that I’d probably just have to accept a life of celibacy in order to simply not even consider it. Especially when on top of that I decided to introduce the even bigger disability of quitting drinking. Like, how do people have sex without alcohol? They don’t, right?

But, trust me, these early fears have been very much disproved by this point. In case you were wondering: Yes, I am by this point a certified Poontang Slaver, I get my dick wet most evenings, and I’m widely known as West Ardwick Caleb in the wider dating scene. OK, maybe the truth is somewhere in the middle, I’ll let you decide which side you think it’s closer to.

So is it just good old fashioned British prudishness?? I don’t think so, I don’t consider myself particularly prudish at all, and if anything I’m likely to fall under ‘grossly inappropriate’. There are actually two reasons that I rarely talk about sex in any sort of positive way. Firstly: this is, or at least attempting to be, a funny blog. The most important thing to me is to at all times be as funny as possible. Well, the wrestling references are the most important, but after that it’s the funny thing. The best way to be funny about sex is to be self deprecating and, if all else fails, just be really fucking gross. I’m pretty good at the former and a freaking expert at the latter.

The gold standard. Deleted though?? What a fucking coward

The second thing? Well, allow me to present some of the lyrics on Ari Lennox’s stellar second album in a context in which I believe would make you understand:

I just don’t think I’m attractive enough to seriously discuss sex! I don’t know if I want to go overboard and say this is ‘the last taboo’ or other such nonsense, I just can’t help but feel that the world is far more prepared to hear someone as gorgeous as Ari Lennox discuss how they’re ‘leaking’ than they are a fat old ginger knacker such as myself. We’re still only serious about ‘sex positivity’ if we can picture ourselves being involved in said sex. Disagree? Come over to my house right now and fuck me. If you don’t do that, then you’re a fucking hypocrite.

Wait, was that all a joke again? I don’t even know anymore…

2019 #32

Metacritic: 84

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