OK, own up, whose idea was this? Who needs to be performing a grovelling apology right now? Which one of you absolute eejits thought it’d be a good idea to tell BLACKPINK to do ballads? Like, a lot of them? This wee album got glassed and no cunt leaves till I find out what cunt did this.
Seriously, BLACKPINK (stylised in all caps, because this band are freaking screaming) are supposed to be modern pop’s greatest bonkers whirlwind of explosive colour, perilous bangs, and “Step in the door, waving the coco*, this that pink venom this that pink venom this that pink venom, I bring the pain like la tatata, la tatata”. They can’t be emotionally explained, they can’t be normalised, and they cannot be easily comprehended. BLACKPINK are the xenomorph in the original Alien – deadly, terrifying, and completely incomprehensible to Earth science. Imagine if the next Alien movie** started with the titular alien ripping Ryan Reynolds’s body in half vertically by pulling open his belly button, but then the later part of the film saw the Xenomorph get a job herding sheep in a Wyoming mountain and, despite the alien’s intensely heteronormative upbringing and societal norms, can’t help but be pulled into a passionate emotional and sexual relationship with Jake Gyllenhaal? Yeah, sure, you would definitely watch that film, and more than likely enjoy it, but it might risk the alien losing a bit of its mystique. Well, that’s ‘BORN PINK’ that is. The first three – maybe four – tracks are the kind of standard 胆子 to the wall blood soaked Mardi Gras of violent insanity that we’ve all grown to love and expect. But then – sweet lord Mary Jesus Christ on a pole riding a bike – the album takes such a tragic nose dive into bland nothingness that I can only assume that everyone involved in the album is now deceased after such a catastrophic crash. It’s actually a little traumatic to even think about it. Hard to Love, man, what the fuck is that shit?? Listen, I want you to arrange a seance or get in touch with some decent necromancer, yeah? Because I’m going to commit suicide by thrusting knives in each of my ears so deep that they puncture my brain, then I want you to somehow bring me back from the dead (you’re in charge of the details) and then I want to do the exact fucking thing again! Can you bring me back to life a second time? Brilliant, another brain explosion via auditory canal penetration. I’d do it again too! That’s how much I hate the second half of this album. Whose idea was this?? Who hurt you?!
(*another reason to love BLACKPINK is how Jennie manages to rhyme ‘door’ with ‘coco’. It’s actually a reference to a Notorious B.I.G song, this band has layers, man. Yeah, I learned the singers name just so I could look knowledgeable on this post. I previously thought their names were Blanche, Dorothy, Rose and Sophia)
(**the 74th by count, and the 71st consecutive shit one. Come on, Alien³ was alright. I mean, how cute is that stylised title??)
Sigh, and then you remember that there was likely no one person who made this decision. The direction on the latter half of the album to strive to appeal to the burgeoning market of absolute imbeciles was probably made by a 124 man (man) committee, then pushed onto the official agenda for the next quarterly YG Entertainment financial report, whereupon the notion to make the next album significantly more gross was passed by a vote of eleven to five. There probably weren’t even any humans involved, this whole recording and release project was probably just decided by an algorithm some time in late 2016 and the band are currently working to stock market expectations. BLACKPINK also haven’t been allowed to sleep, eat, nor pass fecal matter in the last fourteen months in preparation for this record’s push. Each member has had between eight and twenty three forced abortions in 2022 alone, a result of their record label boss needing to hastily remove all evidence of his crimes. And the record boss is an algorithm, remember? It’s complicated. I don’t want to have to think about this, man! It’s like the Qatar world cup, we were all ready to put the geopolitical unease aside to try and just enjoy the football, but then the Qatar football team played an underpaid migrant worker as an attacking midfielder in their first game and executed him in the centre circle at half time as he was deemed not to have sufficiently performed his duties. Then they bummed his corpse, the freaking hypocrites. Don’t rub our faces in the horror, y’know?
No, wait, the album’s started again! Straight to ya dome like woah, woah, woah!! Fuck me, I love this band