4 serpentwithfeet: DEACON

2018 #28

Seriously, three years ago today for serpentwithfeet’s previous album. No, no, duuuuuude, I’m not even joking, Josiah Wise’s previous album – the dark and forbiddingly sensual ‘soil’ – reached #28 back in 2018, and I wrote the blog post about it on December 24th 2018!! Dude, don’t you realise?? Today’s December 24th 2021!! You telling me that’s just a coincidence??

Seriously? I thought there’d be way more wrestlers named ‘Derrick’ or ‘Derek’ or whatever. Who even is this guy?? Derick Neikirk?? I’ve never even heard of him before, and I’m a fucking geek!! Not much of a beard, either. This whole thing’s been an absolute sham.

Yes. That is just a coincidence. Do we need to go through this again? Coincidences happen and they don’t mean anything, Microsoft releasing a game called ‘Omikron’ does not prove that Bill Gates masterminded the COVID outbreak, the Democrats don’t feast on child’s blood in order to survive – they would never be able to sort out anything that complex and meaningful, Biden did actually win the election even if only the losing side seem to care that much about it, whatever Gods you believe in aren’t real, and all the people you believe love you actually don’t, or if they do they will soon die anyway. Such is life. Can we start the blog post now?

‘DEACON’ is spectacular, it’s astonishingly warm, it will make you hold your friends and lovers tighter and it is 2021’s greatest paean to the overwhelming power of love. It’s crazy how Wise was once so occupied with the dark and ungodly shame of love, the pain that so necessarily accompanies such vulnerability. He would frame love as if he was a lowly mortal in thrall to some potentially vengeful God, always aware of the demons’ claws grasping at his feet, waiting for the one moment where such unsafe vulnerability would allow them to drag him to hell to be punished for his Biblically immoral desires. It was some freaking dramatic stuff, yo. ‘Love’ for serpentwithfeet was something to be deeply ashamed of, and his theatrical and breathtaking music matched this dangerous Faustian pact he believed himself to be making every time he touched another guy’s willy. Oooooh, gross!, Satan would say. Don’t you know that it’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and Kenny Everett!

Well, fuck all of that shit, Josiah Wise decides, love is motherfucking magic and I’m ging to make sure all you normies know about it. ‘DEACON’ is sincere, it’s loved up, and it’s absolutely undeniable. The love that Wise presents is transcendent and healing, and importantly leaves a lot of space for hanky panky. Because, after all, we all want a lover who’s ‘stacking that wood/Just like he should/Got my wood, wood boy (Boy)‘. By ‘wood’ he means ‘penis’, by the way. I’m up enough on the current internet slang to know that.

And it’s not black love, or queer love or any caveats you choose to attach to it to somehow make it different and othered from that gross old love you and your ugly overweight husband share. Would you even call that love?? Stuart pays you £25 for a blowie while you finger his anus every Thursday after he finishes work at the Amazon Fulfilment Centre. I’m not shaming anything here, and whatever you call it is as valid as anything else, but do you think that’s enough to base a whole relationship on?? All I’m saying is: maybe think twice about taking him home to meet the parents this Christmas. He doesn’t even know your name, for Chist’s sake. Yes, OK, I get it, that’s part of what makes it so hot. Anyway, ‘DEACON’ absolutely does not recognise such differences, and love is love is love is love is lube is love is love. And, guess what? There’s a motherfucking agenda! Ha! Yes! I fucking love an agenda! “Deacon is something that I wanted to create in a tradition that I saw,” he told the Guardian, “which is black people rejoicing anyhow. Black people living their damn life anyhow. Because nobody can take my peace or my joy from me. Not the government, not a random white person on the street. I just wanted to make an album that was a reminder to me: I get to enjoy this life that I have, no matter the trials or the mountains”.

Bwa-haha! Yes! Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees! The leftist agenda is coming for your fucking children! We’re going to make them all black and gender fluid! You should be scared, because you’re all too dumb to rise your own kids and have surrounded yourself in a blanket of bigotry!

Yeah, more of this, please…


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