Hey, did you know that people are still making classical music?

+43

No, honestly, not just film soundtracks! I mean there are actually people still composing new pieces that aren’t just Hanns Zimmer going WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRGG while Tom Hardy bites the Loch Ness Monster’s head off with his fists

+44

Such an act of heroic senselessness would obviously convince Emma Stone that she did love Matt Hardy after all, despite all her previous banter, because women are generally only impressed by creative slaughter of mythical beasts

+52

Notice I specified ‘new’ music, as I would have previously sworn that classical music only exists now as exclusively rich and exclusively old and exclusively white exclusively men playing karaoke covers of old Vivaldi hits, because classical music fans are obviously like Punch and Judy enthusiasts, in that they’re only interested in consuming the exact same shit they’ve done so a million times before, only with perhaps different strings

-2

But no, here comes Jherek Bischoff to challenge classical music’s superannuated obsession with its past and rejection of anything new that isn’t soundtracking the aforementioned Nessie wrangling, with a new album that was actually and literally recorded in an submerged water tank, because he’s obviously a Bond Villain

+43

 

 

Speaking of Bond villains: do you know why Hollywood loves painting its leading antagonists, from Hans Gruber to Hannibal Lecter, as classical music fans?

Well I’ll tell you

It’s because its a quick shorthand to paint somebody as perilously uninterested in evolution and modern standards. If the viewer is introduced to someone as a classical music buff, then subconsciously we assume that they’ll also be a fan of slavery, smallpox and black face

Yeah, probably not. Fun theory though

+42

‘Cistern’ is freaking marvellous. Expansive, ocassionally uncompromising, but never anything less than absolutely riveting

+43

So… erm… How do I hear more music like this…?

 

Metacritic: +75

Length: 43 minutes +3

Number of AMAZING songs: 2 (+20)

…But Are All the Rest of the Songs Kinda Amazing Anyway? Yes. Yes they are. +130

Is the last song just the first track but played on Ukulele? No -1

Total: 502

https://jherekbischoff.bandcamp.com/