88 Culture Abuse: Peach

Jeez, I was just 20 minutes ago on the bus from visiting a ‘friend’ in Hyde, and when we arrived at the final destination of the bright lights, big city of Ashton-under-Lyne


I left my seat on the top level of the bus and made my way to descend the stairs. In the seats in front of me there was a gentlemen that I paused to allow to descend the stairs first, only he hinted that he’d prefer it if I went first, and although we were in England when in the past a Mexican Polite-Off such as this has been recorded as going on for as long as fourteen days, I took him up on his offer and made my way down the stairs. However, the approximately 0.47 milliseconds this gracious stranger and I spent nodding niceties at each other was evidently an unbearable waste of time to the person behind me wanting to alight the bus, so he poked me in the back to hurry me along!!!!!!!!!!


I of course turned round and said ‘Oh, I’m sorry, are you in such a hurry to get back home and furiously masturbate to the previous 66 episodes of Game of Thrones before tonight’s premiere??’ <perhaps don’t give them clues as to how long you’ve spent writing this list?- Ed> and shattered both his shin bones with my walking stick before spitting in his face and screaming ‘Oh, not in such a hurry now, Usian fucking Dolt!!’ to cheers from the entire bus



No, of course I didn’t, I may have tutted and glared as I went down the stairs, because in England we’re so paralysed by politeness that you can get away with whatever the fuck you want if you don’t mind what people think about you



Such impatience would surely appeal to Culture Abuse (brilliant name +1), as ‘Peach’ sounds like it was conceived, written, performed and produced in the 30 minutes they’d rented the studio out that day, in absolutely a good way



Not a second is wasted on this breathless bubblegum hardcore minor-masterpiece, and the 29 minutes spent in its company will make you at least 290% happier


Metacritic: n/a

Not rated, the squares can’t handle it


I just said! What’s the point in all of this if you’re not going to pay attention??


Best Lyric: ‘You ain’t trying hard enough/You ain’t loving hard enough/You don’t love me deep enough/We not reaching peaks enough’ +1

Is the last song just the first track but played on Ukulele? No -1

Total 84



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