Put your minds back, if you will, to that wild and crazy year of 2022. We were all young fools, grooving to hip new tunes like Running Up that Hill and sending a lot of Tweets in the format “She’s a 10 but she pronounces ‘Uncut Gems’ like that“. America was still led by the 143 year old Joe Biden, as his mushed brains slowly seeped out of his ears, while the glorious UK was more ably managed by the strong and stable government of Boris Johnson and then Liz Truss and then Rishi Sunak. Oh, and, erm, A coup d’état in Burkina Faso removed Roch Kaboré from power and the prime minister of Peru, Aníbal Torres, resigned. I hate how I only ever mention politics in the UK and US as well, don’t worry. Heidi Klum dressed as a worm.

Russia invaded Ukraine, an obviously horrendously violent act that luckily the rest of the world were dedicated to end as quickly as possible in order to save untold innocent lives, and to ensure that the skyrocketing energy prices wouldn’t harm working class people worldwide for long. Russia were also banned from all international sports competitions and – most damningly – disqualified from Eurovision. That was only fair enough, as any state partaking in similarly violent actions would undoubtedly be treated the same. Nick Cave even cancelled gigs in Russia, because he is a man of strong and consistent principles. Incredibly, Will Smith slapped Chris Rock at the Oscars and the Queen died in the same fucking year!! Maybe you’re too young to remember, but the internet just could not with all that shit! We all had so much fun, that the owner’s of capital obviously couldn’t let that happen, and by the end of the year Elon Musk had bought Twitter for a laughably inflated $44 billion. Because he is, never forget and incredibly thick cunt.

I made an offer