102 Kaytranada: 99.9%

Maybe I’m part of the 0.1%




but there’s something strangely unfulfilling about Kay-Kay’s debut album ‘proper’


(by ‘debut album proper’ I of course mean that every release thus far by the disgustingly young Quebecer has been scandalously improper)


You might perhaps put this down to individual tastes, but if you look at the subjective, scientifically verified scores the album gets, then it just so happens that my own opinion happens to chime with verifiable fact on this occasion



Every song on ‘99.9%’ is at the very least extremely good, and the general sound is so velvet smooth that I actually spend most of my evenings gently rubbing it against my genitals to best experience its soft goodness


But, perhaps, therein lies the main problem: the album is just far too smooth, too silky sounding, too perfect



It’s a technical wonder, and chiselled down to a perfect sphere of gorgeous sound, but in its search for absolute integrity has left it sounding ever so featureless and non-distinct, when I feel the truly great albums risk more ridicule and benefit greatly from their jeopardy when it comes off


Adventures in sonics always get you

7 Prince Points

‘99.9%’ is a great album, but it was always going to be a great album, and never seems to have the bravery to strive for the next level


Metacritic: +81

Ah, come on now….

Length 59 minutes –13

Best Lyric: ‘Me and my ladies sip my D’USSÉ cup/I don’t give a fuck, chucking my deuces up/Suck on my balls, pause, I had enough’ +1

Is the last song just the first track but played on Ukulele? No -1

Total 69

Pics stolen from:




103 Lady Gaga: Joanne

The Ga has managed to avoid me thus far. When she first arrived and was at her successful and cultural highpoint, I was in my mid 20s and so obviously far too cool to really like her, and she was just far too big a deal to like ironically, as my overwhelming snarky self-satisfaction would have been lost in the midst of all those pathetic genuine fans


download (1).jpg


…she was a bit crap, wasn’t she? I mean, come on


She was an absolutely brilliant pop star, exhibiting shades of both Bowie’s artistic mindedness and Prince’s


delight in using both sexuality and fashion to subvert and offend, and the world needs pop stars who are willing to shock the order by stroking their genitals across the dead body of Kermit the Frog while projectile vomiting raw meet <I can’t find the incident to which you are referring, can you please clarify?- Ed>



Oh, and for prior services to fashion Googoo gets

8 Prince Points

But, yeah, songs like the dull electronica of Poker Face or the shameless pandering of Born This way were always several shades less interesting and experimental than the person from whence they came


razor eamone

So, maybe I’m too late, and the Gagoo I discover is producing significantly better music, but the terms of the agreement she made with God unfortunately means she is now about 12.5% as interesting as she used to be



That atrocious lyric is slightly redeemed by the chorus though, which is the inaugural recipient of my


award, which awards a singer finding new and exciting way to work their mouth around a lyric:


Metacritic: +67

Length 45 minutes +1

Number of AMAZING songs: 1 (+10)

Best Lyric: ‘She’s stacking money, money everywhere she goes/You know, pesos out of Mexico/De uno, commas and them decimals/She don’t gotta give it up, she professional’ +1

Is the last song just the first track but played on Ukulele? No -1

Total 66

Images stolen from:







105 Anna Meredith: Varmits

‘Varmits’ often threatens to be United Nations certified incredible at times


When 安娜 concentrates on solely producing fantastically abrasive and inexpressibly weird dance music, the results are some of the year’s best electronica


The Merry-Dith manages to present bizarrely home crafted and low budget sounding music that at times strikes me as the greatest- and maybe,even the first- ‘lo-fi’ dance album ever made


‘Varmits’ is at its best a brilliantly odd album, which pulls of the holy grail of all artistic tricks: being at once little unlike anything else out there and yet so rarely unlistenable



Rarely‘ unlistenable, because unfortunately when Anna Meredith sees fit to base a track around vocals the dreaded knitted shark tea cosy is jumped, and what was once thrillingly different instead threatens to sound horribly twee


It reminded me of the ‘Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2’, where it was revealed that Leatherface’s half-brother was Postman Pat. It didn’t ruin the film by any means, Michael Cera was perfectly cast and Postman Pat was only in a handful of scenes, but it kinda delegitimised the creepiness of the whole franchise somehow



However, Wor’ Annie still manages to craft superbly layered pop songs from seemingly minute resources, which is worth a good

6 Prince Points

Metacritic: 84

Length 47 minutes -1

Is the last song just the first track but played on Ukulele? No -1

Total 60

Images stolen from: