100 Kaitlyn Aurelia Smith: EARS

Oct 14, 2017Oct 14, 2017 ~ Lex Leeson ~ 3 Comments

Top 100! This list is starting to feel a little more sensible

+5

Ears!

+3

Ears! Everyone’s got one/two and they’re all full of shit/earwax

+5

What do you call a dog with no ears? Terrible!

+3

Why have elephants got big ears? Elephants do many different things with their big ears. One thing is that they can cool themselves down when they are hot. The blood flowing through the ears is close to the outside of the elephant body, and heat can be released as they flap them about. Some scientists also think that the big ears may funnel sound into their inner ear for better hearing. Elephants can also use their big ears to make threats. When they spread them out wide, elephants look even bigger than they already are, and they can use this posture to threaten other elephants or other animals!!!

+3

A rabbit walks into a bar, barman says why the long ears!!

+2

‘EARS’ (+1 for enforced capitalisation, which can only mean that it actually stands for Elephants Are Really Stupid. Which you’d have to be, really, to be threatened by the size of someone’s ears. Although that might explain why everyone is terrified of Channing Tatum) is an absolutely lovely sounding record, first rate electronica and a bonefide treat for the ears. Ha! Like the name is!

+4

Adventures in sonics always get you

7 Prince Points

Yes, this has been an especially lackadaisical critique, but I have long grown accustomed to the fact that nobody reads my writing, but I’ve found it’s the best non-pharmaceutical method to tackle my crippling depression, and anyway I feel it is the best way to ensure utter artistic integrity, But I’m still a Snowflake Cluck and deep down it hurts that not even my closest friends and family members bother reading this

-13

However, one person I know for sure has read some of this is the number 117 entrant Damian Lazarus! As he Tweeted this almost immediately after I posted the review:

-12

Ouch. I was going to start a fight with him, pointing out how I made clear in my review how I actually paid money forhis garbage record, and that not only had I contributed more money to his art than roughly 99.6% of his Twitter followers but I emphasised in my review how he’s been responsible in the past for some of the greatest dance music ever, yet all I get is mocked for my Twitter followers. I was going to even explain the reason why I have next to no followers!

-18

But, no, I just ‘liked’ and re-Tweeted in an attempt to look too cool to be offended at an artist I’ve supported throughout his career lashing out at me because I said I didn’t love his last album. I’ll just never buy any of his shit records ever again

-7

It wasn’t even a terrible review! Imagine if Pixies read that one from 2015!

-6

Metacritic: +82

Length 38 minutes +8

Is the last song just the first track but played on Ukulele? No -1

Total 71

Pics stolen from

https://kaitlynaureliasmith.bandcamp.com/album/ears

https://voices.nationalgeographic.org/2013/08/16/name-that-elephant-how-to-identify-elephants-in-the-wild/

101 Kevin Gates: Isiah

Oct 14, 2017Oct 14, 2017 ~ Lex Leeson ~ 1 Comment

My contacts in the hip hop community

warn me that ‘Kevin Gates; is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to uninspiring anf unmemorable rap names

-2

I have been reliably informed that the days of exciting nom de plumes such as Old Dirty Bastard, Tyler the Creator, Slap-de-Wit the Immortal Instigator and Watch My Dicky Leg are over

-4

‘Nom de plume’ in French literally translates as ‘the name of plumage’, as it is common for Gallic birds to have separate names for when they are fully-feathered, as Napoleon thought it obscene that ‘le disgustient pink merdes’ be attributed the same name when they are all naked and disgusting. For example, a plucked chicken body, the like of which you’re likely to buy in Le Tesco, is called ‘poulet’, while the proper, fully feathered beauty that you’re likely to decapitate to test urban legends down at the local farm is referred to as ‘ooh la la! Les pompe poulet de cheeky cheeky plume plume!’

+3

My contacts in the hip hop community assure me that I shall really notice the sea change in 2017, where I’ll see new releases by ‘Geoff Turnbull’, ‘Paul Johnson’ and ‘Stuart’. Remember Stuart? Well he’s dedicated four tracks to you on his debut rap album, maybe now you’ll give him the time of day? He knows that he’ll never replace your real Dad, but your Mother loves Stuart very much, and Christmas is going to be a lot easier this year if you at least acknowledge his presence

-3

Kevin Gates isn’t even his real name! It’s like me releasing my dope debut mixtape as Alexander Furnkwith

-2

My rap name would be Rhyme Minister. Rhyme Minister Yeah! Rhyme Minister Ho Need Yeah!

+3

It’ll be a Tony Blair reference, yes, because say what you will about his politics and the blood of half a million people on his hands, he once did that hilarious Catherine Tate bit for Comic Relief, so he’s obviously a top geezer

+5

See? Not bothered

Perhaps the greatest strength of Mr Gates’s (is it, like, a Bill Gates reference? Because that’s just… just…) debut album proper is how much of a fully realised solo offering: almost completely free of the endless guest spots that can far too often clutter and saturate rap albums, and with every hook and chorus coming exclusively through Gates

+7

And ‘Isiah’ is a procession of top quality hooks, hooks you could hang Mussolini off,

hooks you could pester Peter Pan with, a real ‘hard hook story’, it’s an album done very much ‘by the hook’, it’s like the Farrelly Brothers film ‘Hook On You’, or the Happy Mondays song Wrote for Hook…

…by hook or by crook….

…

…like when Kurt Angle comes out…

and all the crowd start chanting…

…

…’you hook’…

…

…OK, I’m done…

+3

It’s just a shame that such a singular demonstration of Gates’s indisputable talents couldn’t have perhaps strayed a little from standard well crafted hip-hop, and no matter how fantastic its heights are, the lack of anything unique and unusual can make the record’s already testing length seem to especially drag

-7

‘She got me like Michael/Jackson, Jordan, it don’t matter to me’. See, that distinction really would matter to me…

-8

Bollocks… https://twitter.com/jamesknightbad

-5

A small but pleasant pronunciation +5

Also, I don’t know why, but I was very impressed by the correct apostrophe usege in the title of Thought I Heard (Bread Winners’ Anthem)

As further tribute to Prince

I think points should be awarded for any artistic license taken with spelling (not grammer though, that shit’s biblical!!), so Kevin has to be applauded for Kno One. Is it meant to be ‘know one’, as in ‘I used to know one chap who refused to acknowledge the existence of Macedonia’, or ‘no-one’, as in ‘no-one has ever been to Macedonia, so why are we putting so much trust into so called ‘experts’?’? Either way, it’s equally wrong and so equally right

+5

‘You the only one that my dick could get hard for/I’m confused, what the fuck you want my heart for?’ That line has to be worth a good

8 Prince Points

Metacritic: +81

Ah, come on now….

Length 63 minutes –17

Best Lyric: ‘Bad motherfucker, God complex/Motivate your ass, call me Malcolm X’ +1

Is the last song just the first track but played on Ukulele? No -1

Total 70

Pics stolen from:

https://intl.target.com/p/kevin-gates-islah/-/A-50489578

https://www.usbornebooksathome.co.uk/catalogue/catalogue.aspx?cat=1&area=ED&subcat=EDD&id=7608

https://www.petful.com/grooming/why-do-cats-lick-each-other/

https://www.shutterstock.com/video/clip-14930800-stock-footage-woman-ticking-off-grocery-list-in-grocery-store.html

The Journey of a plump Chicken.

102 Kaytranada: 99.9%

Oct 14, 2017 ~ Lex Leeson ~ 2 Comments

Maybe I’m part of the 0.1%

but there’s something strangely unfulfilling about Kay-Kay’s debut album ‘proper’

-2

(by ‘debut album proper’ I of course mean that every release thus far by the disgustingly young Quebecer has been scandalously improper)

+3

You might perhaps put this down to individual tastes, but if you look at the subjective, scientifically verified scores the album gets, then it just so happens that my own opinion happens to chime with verifiable fact on this occasion

+5

Every song on ‘99.9%’ is at the very least extremely good, and the general sound is so velvet smooth that I actually spend most of my evenings gently rubbing it against my genitals to best experience its soft goodness

+3

But, perhaps, therein lies the main problem: the album is just far too smooth, too silky sounding, too perfect

-12

It’s a technical wonder, and chiselled down to a perfect sphere of gorgeous sound, but in its search for absolute integrity has left it sounding ever so featureless and non-distinct, when I feel the truly great albums risk more ridicule and benefit greatly from their jeopardy when it comes off

-5

Adventures in sonics always get you

7 Prince Points

‘99.9%’ is a great album, but it was always going to be a great album, and never seems to have the bravery to strive for the next level

-3

Metacritic: +81

Ah, come on now….

Length 59 minutes –13

Best Lyric: ‘Me and my ladies sip my D’USSÉ cup/I don’t give a fuck, chucking my deuces up/Suck on my balls, pause, I had enough’ +1

Is the last song just the first track but played on Ukulele? No -1

Total 69

Pics stolen from:

https://www.residentadvisor.net/reviews/18996

A Letter to Craig David

Gypsy Travels to Quebec City

103 Lady Gaga: Joanne

Oct 14, 2017 ~ Lex Leeson ~ 1 Comment

The Ga has managed to avoid me thus far. When she first arrived and was at her successful and cultural highpoint, I was in my mid 20s and so obviously far too cool to really like her, and she was just far too big a deal to like ironically, as my overwhelming snarky self-satisfaction would have been lost in the midst of all those pathetic genuine fans

-4

Plus…

…

…she was a bit crap, wasn’t she? I mean, come on

-13

She was an absolutely brilliant pop star, exhibiting shades of both Bowie’s artistic mindedness and Prince’s

delight in using both sexuality and fashion to subvert and offend, and the world needs pop stars who are willing to shock the order by stroking their genitals across the dead body of Kermit the Frog while projectile vomiting raw meet <I can’t find the incident to which you are referring, can you please clarify?- Ed>

+5

Oh, and for prior services to fashion Googoo gets

8 Prince Points

But, yeah, songs like the dull electronica of Poker Face or the shameless pandering of Born This way were always several shades less interesting and experimental than the person from whence they came

-3

So, maybe I’m too late, and the Gagoo I discover is producing significantly better music, but the terms of the agreement she made with God unfortunately means she is now about 12.5% as interesting as she used to be

-9

That atrocious lyric is slightly redeemed by the chorus though, which is the inaugural recipient of my

award, which awards a singer finding new and exciting way to work their mouth around a lyric:

Metacritic: +67

Length 45 minutes +1

Number of AMAZING songs: 1 (+10)

Best Lyric: ‘She’s stacking money, money everywhere she goes/You know, pesos out of Mexico/De uno, commas and them decimals/She don’t gotta give it up, she professional’ +1

Is the last song just the first track but played on Ukulele? No -1

Total 66

Images stolen from:

http://gagadaily.com/forums/topic/243627-has-gaga-ever-lip-synced/

http://www.animalplanet.com/pets/healthy-pets/what-does-it-mean-when-your-cat-licks-you/

http://www.istockphoto.com/gb/illustrations/vomit?excludenudity=true&sort=mostpopular&mediatype=illustration&phrase=vomit

http://www.wwe.com/superstars/razor-ramon/razor-ramon-photos#fid-26074025

http://www.nbcsandiego.com/entertainment/music/Lady-Gaga-Beyonce-Premiere-Tarantino-Inspired-Telephone-Video-87444397.html

http://gagadaily.com/forums/topic/201964-joanne-album-cover-meltdowns-go-in-here/?page=3

104 Kings of Leon: Walls

Oct 14, 2017 ~ Lex Leeson ~ 4 Comments

I used to really like listening to Kings of Leon

+1

Like, the same way I used to really like sticking my finger up my bum while watching He Man

+2

Not that I’m ashamed of it, when you’re in your late teens and haven’t yet been convinced of the relentless struggle life’s macabre torture show in fact is, you should never regret anything that helped you confirm the exciting potential of your very existence, and if all of your university friends are doing it, why not join in to strengthen bonds that will last as long as eight months?

+4

Oh, and I don’t regret loving Kings of Leon either, as their second and third albums still stand up as absolute masterpieces

+2

No, that joke didn’t scan at all, did it?

-10

All the cool kids reading this blog for top tips on how to retain their Hilary Swank and remain Snapchatting with Zoella’s Hippie Peppa Pig Crack

might not remember, but people of my decrepit and shameful age- with diminishing relevance and puss ravaged and peeling genitals that have long been solely used for decoration purposes- will remember where they were when Huw Edwards revealed on News at Ten that The Koln’s second album ‘Because of the Times’ had beaten ‘In Rainbows’ to be named the Necessary Evil album of 2007

+1

Unfortunately, the band caught a debilitating infection on their next album, possibly by dangerously close proximity to the crippling Bonovirus of Southern Ireland (though mainly inhabiting the Cayman Islands for tax reasons), that not only sadly convinces bands that would they like to be U2, but that being a band as creatively bankrupt and morally repugnant as U2 is at all worth being

-8

The inescapable Sex On Fire wasn’t the end, as though the song didn’t include an original bone in its venereal body, it still proved that The Ki-Kis were one of the world’s best at crafting brilliant dumb rock songs

+3

The real rot set in with Lose Somebody, where the band discovered the echo pedal, and resolved to never leave any note un everberated ever again

-8

Is an echo pedal a thing? It feels like it should be

+1

‘Walls’walls wouldwould lastlast tenten minutesminutes ifif everyevery soddingsodding notenote finishedfinished whenwhen itit waswas supposedsupposed toto

-12

It’s really ridiculous how much of ‘Walls’ is handed over to echoey stadium mid-pace quasi-ballads, and it would be sad if your takeaway from the record was that the band would never write a rock song as thrillingly raw as Black Thumbnail ever again…

-5

You don’t feel that though, as nestled halfway through the record is Find Me, which is shamelessly conspicuous over how cynically it attempts to tick all the boxes to make a brainless stadium rock classic, and it’s embarrassing how well it works. I’ll go into further detail once I inform you what the year’s best tracks are

but you’d have to put both your shoes on and take a shower, as it’ll be a long walk if you want to find a better example of a perfect pop rock song

+8

I mean, that bit where the musical backing falls away and the riff is played clean for a single bar- ooooooooooooooooooah!!! Has to be

10 Guns n Roses Points

But, yeah,

obviously

I think I forgot to take points off last time I did that…

Oh, and I don’t feel that Bobby Follywobbles <that spelling doesn’t look right, can you check it?- Ed> gets enough credit as a frontman: I love his voice. That is all

+1

Metacritic: +62

Yep, sounds about right

Number of AMAZING songs: 1 +10

Length 42 minutes +4

Best Lyric: ‘And we rode motorcycles/Blackjack, classic vinyl’

Is the last song just the first track but played on Ukulele? No -1

Total 63

Pics stolen from:

https://alchetron.com/Peter-Griffin-4098114-W

http://theresurgent.com/this-is-bono-bono-is-humble-about-politics-be-like-bono/

http://www.rollingstone.com/music/albumreviews/review-kings-of-leon-walls-w444792

https://www.carid.com/seibon-carbon/seibon-carbon-fiber-rear-spoiler-237417791.html

105 Anna Meredith: Varmits

Oct 14, 2017Oct 14, 2017 ~ Lex Leeson ~ 1 Comment

‘Varmits’ often threatens to be United Nations certified incredible at times

+9

When 安娜 concentrates on solely producing fantastically abrasive and inexpressibly weird dance music, the results are some of the year’s best electronica

+7

The Merry-Dith manages to present bizarrely home crafted and low budget sounding music that at times strikes me as the greatest- and maybe,even the first- ‘lo-fi’ dance album ever made

+5

‘Varmits’ is at its best a brilliantly odd album, which pulls of the holy grail of all artistic tricks: being at once little unlike anything else out there and yet so rarely unlistenable

+6

‘Rarely‘ unlistenable, because unfortunately when Anna Meredith sees fit to base a track around vocals the dreaded knitted shark tea cosy is jumped, and what was once thrillingly different instead threatens to sound horribly twee

-32

It reminded me of the ‘Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2’, where it was revealed that Leatherface’s half-brother was Postman Pat. It didn’t ruin the film by any means, Michael Cera was perfectly cast and Postman Pat was only in a handful of scenes, but it kinda delegitimised the creepiness of the whole franchise somehow

-33

However, Wor’ Annie still manages to craft superbly layered pop songs from seemingly minute resources, which is worth a good

6 Prince Points

Metacritic: 84

Length 47 minutes -1

Is the last song just the first track but played on Ukulele? No -1

Total 60

Images stolen from:

https://annahmeredith.bandcamp.com/album/varmints

Postman Pat: The Movie

https://www.loveknitting.com/shark-tea-cosy-knitting-pattern-by-teacosyfolk?country=GB

106 Lambchop: Flotus

Oct 14, 2017Oct 14, 2017 ~ Lex Leeson ~ 1 Comment

Erm… I mean… Yeah, go for it…

+3

In the sometimes murky waters of the markedly less fabulous albums of 2016 in which we have been of late wading in, I have often complained that what it is that causes these records to split their foreheads open on the glass dome preventing them from gaining access to the land of the truly magnificent is that far too often they feel like they’re making compromises and blunting their edges in an attempt to ensure wider appeal, so it’s only right that I praise Lambchop (love that name +1) for making an album that spectacularly refuses to conform to expectations, and strives to please absolutely nobody, save the landlord at their recording studio, who is delighted that the recording of ‘Flotus’ (love that name +1) was much quieter than usual

+4

That was a fucking mega sentence, wasn’t it?

+5

Such lengthened grammatical structure is extremely apt, because I am a certified genius, as it references the fact that La-La have no issue with spending as long as eighteen minutes over a track, because they get paid to make music now, so fuck all of y’all, they’ll do what they freaking want

+2

Radiohead would kill to have the balls to make a record as unyieldingly inaccessible as this…

+1

Experiential dirge seemingly for the hell of it? At least

8 Prince Points

However, the hour long slap across accessibility’s face with a wet fish of artistic inflexibility is far easier to admire than actually like

-20

Much like my daughter’s husband Albert: I mean, I really appreciate how much money he’s made of by designing a cold-water filtering system which eliminates 2.7% of all office shredder waste, but sweet Jesus is he boring!! Yes, Albert, you told me last time how you saved 34p by buying your chalkboard and chalk at two separate retailers, I really think you should look into investing in a new anecdote, especially because most people you know would have heard it in your wedding speech. I sometimes wish she’d get back with Darren. Yeah, I know, he used to tie up her in the cellar and burn her with his crack pipe, and had that weird sexual fetish about Nazi prison guards that I kept insisting to him was not appropriate after dinner conversation, no matter whose Bar Mitzvah it was, but at least he was fun! And he did a hilarious impression of a Polish person trying to order seafood, which definitely wasn’t racist because he said he had a friend at work who was black

-8

I initially just planned to describe Darren’s enjoyment of crack pipe torture, but because of how the drug crack can conjure up unwarranted and unnecessary racial stereotypes , and the fact that I’m a Social Justice Snowflake Cluck, I decided to add the Max Mosley Third Reich fetish to muddy the assumptions a bit. Since you ask, Darren was actually white, not that it makes a difference. Funnily enough Albert is black, which makes his dullness all the more surprising, as you’d think he’d break out into a breakdance or a gangsta rap at some point

‘Flotus’ is a lovely album in theory, but in content…

…

well, there isn’t really any content. I listened closely last time it politely dribbled out of my speakers and this is the entire timeline of its 68 minutes:

03:31 Has it…? I think… Yeah, it’s started

15:56 The band accept that Mike isn’t going to turn up, and decide to see what the buttons on the keyboard do

26:02 The pianist clears his throat, the rest of the band stop playing as they await his announcement

27:23 No, he wasn’t requesting their attention, he just had a bit of a dry throat

34:21 In the background, you can hear the producer enquiring whether anyone wants any tea

34:23 H-ho! A bit of a beat!

34:25 Wait, no, it was just the lead singer nodding his head, you could hear his beard scratch against his chest

48:43 Do Lambchop have beards? I feel like they do, or at least should have. Well, if they didn’t have beards when this record started…

53:51 Yeah, I can definitely hear a lot of beards now

73:43 Nice!!

74:23 No, my mistake, I really liked the sound of that but it turns out it was just a boy outside throwing a plant pot at a squirrel

85:21 That squirrel isn’t moving…

92:45 Should I call RSPA or…?

104:34 Nah, it’s fine…

134:04 Oh! It’s picking up a bit now!!

165:32 No, wait…

184: 45 I think it’s finished

-15

I joke! I joke! Hey, Lambchop, you’re alright! There are some great songs on ‘Flotus’, Writer and Niv especially, and kudos for seeing nothing wrong with ending the album with a eighteen minutes of barely distinct synth that occasionally implores us to ‘do the Hustle’

+6

Hang on… are they taking the piss…?

-6

Metacritic:

If they are, it’s a remarkably successful troll

+83

Length 63 minutes

but… yeah, whatever…

-17

Best Lyric: ‘Daddy made me fight, it wasn’t always right/But he said, “Girl, it’s your second amendment” +1

Is the last song just the first track but played on Ukelele? No -1

Total 55

Images stolen from:

http://www.bethrooney.com/reportage/behind-the-curtain/circus-first-001

http://www.mojo4music.com/artist/radiohead/

http://apctc.com/business-of-coaching-vodcasts/abundant-coach-vodcast/

107 Sleigh Bells: Jessica Rabbit

Oct 14, 2017 ~ Lex Leeson ~ 2 Comments

Capturing lightning in a bottle is difficult enough to do in the first place

-3

I mean, how would you even go about doing that? Are you climbing trees in a thunderstorm with an empty jam jar with a magnet inside?

-3

Perhaps more difficult though, is perfectly capturing frogs in a box

-2

A box full of frogs sounds insane to the uneducated ear, yet if done right such madness can be absolutely exquisite. Already on this list Childish Gambino has attempted the first frog boxing of this career but fell short of majesty and Primal Scream have tried and failed to recapture the glorious frog boxing that they stumbled upon with their glorious ‘Xtrmntr’ album, an album that’s a perfect example of how fantastic capturing frogs in boxes can sound when it is done right

+4

Such success is extremely rare, which makes the fact that The Sleighbos managed to achieve it on their debut album ‘Treats’

in 2010, an astonishing album of which the inclusion of Rill Rill on some recent advert for bubble gum tampons, or some shit, has provided near constant recent reminders of its genius

+3

I used to be dead against artists selling money for adverts, because that’s the opinion you’re supposed to have, until a friend pointed out that if I had ever illegally downloaded an album then I had absolutely no right to complain. I quickly realised that I had succumbed to the horrible Millenial idea that everything should be provided to me without me exerting any effort or money and that artist should produce work solely for the privilege of pleasing my fat ugly ginger self, and felt ashamed

The fact that I parted with ten pounds of my heard earned Employment and Support Allowance for Sleigh-Sleigh’s

fourth album <you said that with such confidence, is it actually true??- Ed> such a crushing disappointment

-3

It definitely resembles Him enough to win

5 Prince Points,

but unfortunately it sounds more like the stuff He came out with in the mid-90s by when insanely prolific recording and releasing had left Him closer to artistically spent

It’s far from a bad album, and has more fabulous songs than many releases (cough) this year, but the glorious insanity that once came naturally to them now sounds contrived and forced. The production can’t decide if it’s a dance album or 80s rock pastiche, and many songs are almost turned legitimately bad by the horrendous idea to add crunching rock guitar riffs to their unbroken sound, which strikes me as a last minute addition to the record and may well be the worst decision of 2016