It’s fucking ‘Brat’, innit?
Did I want it to be ‘Brat’? Absolutely not! ‘Brat’ is the NME album of the year. It’s the Rolling Stone album of the year. It’s The Guardian’s album of the year. It’s the Horse and Hound magazine album of the year. As he hopped on a plane to Russia, Bashar al-Assad was sure to state “When the state falls into the hands of terrorism and the ability to make a meaningful contribution is lost, any position becomes void of purpose. But the fact remains that ‘Brat’ is the best album of 2024“. Elon Musk renamed Twitter to ‘X’, then to ‘X Formally Known as Twitter’, then to ‘666 With a Princess Streak‘, then simply to ‘Brax’, before Adrian Dittmann replied by saying what a great decision that was, how Elon was a wonderful father, and how Elon Musk’s penis was so huge that the haters are just jealous.
Everyone thinks this is the album of the year! This is an alternative blog! This blog uses facts and science to prove how everyone is wrong! I don’t agree with people! That’s fucking gross! I explain how Pitchfork and that bald guy are all idiots and they’re way off with their idiot opinions! Beyoncé best album of 2022?? Lol! No! It was fucking 070 Shake, you idiots!! Jessie Ware best album of 2020?? Not even close! It was 070 Shake again! How do you keep messing this up??
But, shit, ‘Brat’ is just undeniable. ‘Brat’ wasn’t just the best album of 2024, it was the biggest thing in 2024. ‘Brat’ ensured 2024 as a whole had a background of neon green and was soundtracked by illegal raves. To not name it album of the year would be like listing the biggest moments of 1969 and putting the moon landing at, like, third. Listen, it would kind of be on brand for me to say Yasser Arafat being appointed chairman of the Palestine National Congress was the biggest moment of 1969, but come on.
But ‘Brat’ isn’t the best album of 2024 because of the literal phenomenon it sparked…
Hmmm…
This would be where I’d name examples of acts that were bigger phenomenons and how that by no means makes them the album of the year, but… holy shit, nothing was anywhere near as big a deal as ‘Brat’ in 2024. And it’s pretty great that we live in this world.
But ‘Brat’ isn’t just one of the greatest marketing successes of our time. If Dua Lipa recorded themselves doing a long, wet fart into the microphone, and released the resulting 40 minute cutting of cheese with exactly the same marketing as ‘Brat’, it probably wouldn’t sell as many copies. Probably. Or, if you prefer, if Dua Lipa just released ‘Radical Optimism‘ with ‘Brat’s marketing, it would elicit the same response. God, that album stinks, doesn’t it?
‘Brat’ wasn’t just a cool colour scheme though. It connected with people in a way no pop album has for years. Charli switched their lyrical focus to be far more nakedly honest and bare, on the nose emotional vulnerability. And people love that shit! Just like ‘Brat’ is 2024 and 2024 is ‘Brat’, the album simply connected with humans across the world because it simply is the inner monologue of an early 30’s human being. You could be reductive and ghetto it as really connecting with women, but first of all gender is garbage, and this is simply a gorgeously human record. It documents the highs of companionship soundtracked by sensational music* , and also the lows of your self esteem being crushed, your status anxiety overwhelming you as you attempt to compare yourself to your peers.
Why I wanna buy a gun?
Why I wanna shoot myself?
Volatile at war with my dialogue
I’d say that there was a God if they could stop this
Wild voice tearing me apart
I’m so apprehensive now
(*by Nasty Cherry; A.G Cook; Hudson Mohawke; The Streets; Lana Del Ray… the list of contemporary artists explicitly shouted out at on ‘Brat’ is dizzying. And that’s before you get to the rumours…)
Such a successful human connection with millions of fans through these astonishingly open and honest lyrics would probably be reason enough for ‘Brat’ to come out top, but the album is also musically astonishing.
Funnily enough, it was 2022’s ‘Crash’ that was Charli’s major attempt at a breakthrough album, their “one last shot at mass communication” as Nicky Wire would put it. ‘Crash’ is a great album, but it found Charli losing a little bit of their soul as they instead reached for pop perfection, releasing by far the most commercially viable album of their career in the hopes of finally breaking big on their seventh attempt. As learned scholars said at the time:
It represents a massively disappointing step back into familiarly for Charli, after it really seemed that she was taking her music into far weirder and yet so sonically fascinating places. Hey, Charli (baby), wha’ happen? You’re just doing a pop album now? You’re just gonna reign in the experimentation and simply give us an album of solid gold pop bangers? And, to rub it in even more, you’re going to make this one of the most pristine collections of electro pop imaginable? So you’re going to turn your back on the future, burn it down, salt the Earth, then just set off absolute firecrackers in the mainstream that now lays in front of you?? Then just fill it with absolutely sodding perfect songs?? Fuck you, Charli, that’s so annoying!
The album was good. It was great. But this is Charli motherfucking XCX! Charli doesn’t give us good songs! Charli has illegal raves and invites the whole world! Charli makes music that sounds like robots’ brains frying in the 24th century! Charli recreates the high of drugs that humanity has yet to discover! Good songs?! Fuck off.
Well, all that effort and ‘Crash’ went number seven in the US. That’s as good as it gets, maybe just go nuts with the next record?
And so ‘Brat’ was born, where Charli decided to no longer give a shit, to just spray her id all over a record while transferring the sounds in their skull to backing music; to record her “most aggressive and confrontational record” that would pop the raves even if the mainstream didn’t care. In doing so, they made one of the most notable and important albums of the 2020’s, that connected with people in a way that we assumed dumb old music never could again.
It’s not all been plain sailing. Charli’s simple ‘kamala IS brat’ Tweet in July lead to an embarrassing appropriation by the Democrat party in the US. In doing so, Charli tied the album to that party’s failure, and the Brat Summer turned into a Brat Winter of Discontent. Does it make this astonishing, once in a lifetime album any less of a miracle? No, but I will just leave this here:
Oh, and ‘Brat and It’s Completely Different but Also Still Brat‘ will be included in next year’s list.
Damn fucking straight
Album title as AI image
Honestly, no idea what it’s going for here. Charli is too smart for AI!!
THE SIMPSONS DID IT!
And we’re done! The Legit Bosses will be coming soon, but not soon soon, as there’s fucking loads of the cunts. I’ll bid you all a happy new year by listing all the children under 1 years old killed by the Israeli army in Gaza. Happy new year!
Noura Walid Abdulsalam Shaheen (0 years old)
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Fatima Louay Rafiq Al-Sultan (0 years old)
Watan Mohammed Abd Al-Rahim Al-Madhoon (0 years old)
Mohammad Al-Jabbari Said Misbah Al-Khour (0 years old)
Diyaa Ahmed Abd Al-Aati Saleh Moussa (0 years old)
Oday Mohammed Rafiq Al-Sultan (0 years old)
Mohammed Nidal Hisham Attallah (0 years old)
Ahmad Shadi Talal Al-Haddad (0 years old)
Masa Mohammed Youssef Nasr (0 years old)
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Yasmin Ramez Abd Al-Razzaq Al-Masri (0 years old)
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Kanary Moatasem Mahmoud Aql (0 years old)
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Ghaith Rami Khaled Abu-Riya (0 years old)
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Mohamed Ahmed Sami Al-Amawi (0 years old)
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Maria Khaled Nasr Al-Jed (0 years old)
Kanzy Mohamed Ayman Al-Khateeb (0 years old)
Nada Anas Ayman Abd (0 years old)
Odai Adel Mohamed Al-Ghosein (0 years old)
Malak Murad Ammar Barash (0 years old)
Jory Murad Ammar Barash (0 years old)
Hour Osama Suleiman Abu-Sanima (0 years old)
Misk Ahmed Abd Al-Karim Hararah (0 years old)
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Daughter/Aisha Mohamed Ibrahim Abu-Matwi (0 years old)
Daughter/Suhair Mohamed Shahda Khattab (0 years old)
Son/Ilham Ahmed Hammad Khattab (0 years old)
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Jouri Mohamed Mohamed Abu-Sultan (0 years old)
Maram Mohamed Mustafa Abu-Ghoula (0 years old)
Mahmoud Hassan Khalil Obeid (0 years old)
Yamen Mahmoud Abbas Muqata (0 years old)
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Nazira Saher Nasr Sahlool (0 years old)
Malak Saher Nasr Abu-Sahlool (0 years old)
Carmel Alaa Walid Hamdan (0 years old)
Asil Mansour Khaled Al-Louh (0 years old)
Misk Yusuf Zuhair Al-Qanousi (0 years old)
Amal Mohamed Jumaa Abu-Soueis (0 years old)
Kenan Shadi Hashem Mushtaha (0 years old)
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Salma Ahmed Ezzat Azzam (0 years old)
Samira Ahmed Ezzat Azzam (0 years old)
Ibrahim Abd Al-Fattah Said Salam (0 years old)
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Habiba Hesham Hassan Abu-Jarri (0 years old)
Rahaf Deeb Mahmoud Al-Skafi (0 years old)
Maysaa Deeb Mahmoud Al-Skafi (0 years old)
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Sewar Hossam Talal Abu-Atiwi (0 years old)
Khitam Bara’a Abd Al-Bari Abu-Foul (0 years old)
Ahmed Saed Amer Ayash (0 years old)
Girl/Randa Mohammed Abd Al-Qader Wahba (0 years old)
Daughter/Mona Jamal Mohammed Abu-Layla (0 years old)
Mohannad Ahmed Jumaa Azzam (0 years old)
Yasser Salah Yasser Al-Dalou (0 years old)
Daughter/Nidal Jalal Al-Banna (0 years old)
Zain Omar Zuhair Al-Daour (0 years old)
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Insam Mahmoud Jihad Al-Louh (0 years old)
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Mohammad Ehab Eddin Khaled Owaidah (0 years old)
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Sara Arafat Hameed Al-Arjani (0 years old)
Wateen Yahya Khaled Abu-Hilal (0 years old)
Siyala Raafat Jamal Shatat (0 years old)
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Hala Yasser Hamed Al-Sinnwar (0 years old)
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Fatima Mohammed Rizk Al-Wawi (0 years old)
Bilal Khaled Mohammed Sobh (0 years old)
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Kinan Akram Sameeh Karim (0 years old)
Jannah Hisham Mohammed Hamouda (0 years old)
Tolin Ibrahim Jihad Al-Maghari (0 years old)
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Tahani Ezz Al-Din Ahmed Zourob (0 years old)
Ayloul Omar Kamel Abu-Rahmeh (0 years old)
Hanan Mohammed Abd Al-Hakim Asfour (0 years old)
Hour Omar Mahmoud Al-Azib (0 years old)
Lana Yousef Emad Lolo (0 years old)
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Jehad Mohammed Ra’fat Al-Da’lais (0 years old)
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