#13 Hallelujah The Hills: No One Knows What Happens Next (2012)

Rerelease number two! By the way, I’ve also come to notice since I last wrote that Marina post signalling the Oncoming of the Rereleases, where I rather cerebrally and logically (some would say deeply sexually) explained how I’d been smart enough to collate the list’s three big rereleases all together just outside the top ten. Or maybe that was a complete accident. The point was: I’m a fucking critical genius. Well, afterwards, I realised that there were rereleases at numbers 14, 13, 12, then a completely valid 2022 record at #11… Then another ‘rerelease’ (not technically rereleased this year, but a ‘Legacy Release’ that I’d decided to include) at number ten. Honestly, I’ve no fucking idea what’s going on with this list. Or my life, for that matter. Please help me. Any clues on how to sort this shit out?

My life, I mean, I don’t want to hear about any perceived ‘improvements’ to this blog or the Necessary Evil year end list. Necessary Evil is a perfect little crystal and I’m very protective over it. My life? Meh, I’m not too fussed, so I’ll give everything a shot. Have I ever tried deeps sea crab fishing as a vocation, you ask? Why not!? Live out my days as a Dreamsexual?? That sounds pretty problematic these days. I’ll do it.

In this much talked about run of three official rereleases, the polite tenth anniversary reintroduction of Boston’s Hallelujah the Hills’ third album is the unassuming and courteous outlier. Both Marina’s tenth anniversary celebration and the recontextualisation of the album at #12 received the full treatment: new covers, new songs, free t-shirts, NFTs tattooed onto your ear lobes, all goated with the sauce. Hallelujah simple coughed politely, waited with their finger slightly elevated above their shoulders until they were noticed above the general din, and announced on BandCamp quietly that it had been ten years since ‘No One…’ was released. Did you know this album was pay what you want? Just wanted to mention that, No, no, I’m done. I better be going now. Do you want help cleaning up the dishes? No, no, no, it would absolutely be my pleasure, you’ve been such a grateful host, allow me.

While Hallelujah the Hills made their polite departure, secretly putting £50 into the host’s coat to pay for the evening’s expenses, Marina was waving a shotgun around screaming about the blood getting in her eyes, while the #12 artist was goading her on, grinning while explaining the logical merits of suicide.

Anyway, I’m not sure if there’s something wrong with me, but I absolutely adore this record.

Another thing that marks ‘No One…’ out from the records that are next to it, are that I’d never heard their 2012 record before. This wasn’t me ‘reevaluating’ an old favourite or attempting to measure it up to more recent albums while not being too moved by its obvious cultural impact. I ain’t never heard no ‘No One Knows What Happens Next’!

OK, quick triple negative check: I start by saying “I ain’t“, so negative, “never heard”, negative again, so suggesting that I haven’t never, which would actually bring us back to a positive statement: “I have never not heard“. However, I then stress how it’s “no ‘No One…'”. If we grammatically untie that, it’s the lack of ‘No One Knows What Happens’ next that I am professing to “never not heard”. So, the statement is that “I haven’t not heard the lack of this album”. We can take a quick mathematical shortcut here by simply eliminating the statements that I “ain’t” and also that this suggestion presupposes the existence of “no ‘No One Knows…'”, since these two functions cancel each other out we can eliminate them both, giving us “I never heard ‘No One Knows What Happens Yet'”. The sentence is grammatically sound.

But yeah, first time hearing this record, bought it because why not? And it is by far and away one of the best albums I’ve heard this year. Absolutely gargantuan indie rock, that combines witty lyricism (with no eye roll moments that I believed to be present on ‘I’m Yours’), thrillingly fluid and organic instrumentation and – absolutely the most important thing – absolute motherfucking bops. And looking at it’s general critical consensus, I was shocked (and appalled) that this pristine set of high concept rock perfections wasn’t widely heralded as the classic it obviously is. What does this mean??

That’s right, it means that everyone is a fucking idiot. And this blog is the only trustworthy site on the internet. Does Pitchfork explain its own grammar as part of their reviews?? No, sit the fuck down soft bois.

They have a Patreon to fund their excitingly ambitious next album.


*cough* Pay whatever the fuck you want *wheeze* no excuses

2020 #59

Wow, I go in hard on the band sometimes in that review! It’s a really good album, perhaps I just didn’t quite ‘get’ them yet.

Metacritic: 58

Do people just hate this band when they first hear them??

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