In a lot of way, it’s not your fault that you like shit stuff. A lot of the shit stuff you like you had no control over. Maybe the culture you were raised within normalised such abhorrence. Perhaps you just had really stupid friends growing up who liked really stupid things. I’m not going to blame you for that. You rarely get much choice who your friends are, they’re often just there because of some past and continued convenience. Maybe your friends from school are now registered sex offenders, maybe they’re big Fast and Furious fans, but either way it’s not your fault. Your parents could have maybe brought up in an environment where liking such absolute shite isn’t something to ashamed of. Is it your parents’ fault?? Am I saying that they’ve somehow failed at child rearing because of your shitty tastes??
Yes. That’s exactly what I’m saying. But it’s not your fault. Please don’t take any of this post as me mocking your artistic choices. You can’t help it, you’re just wired that way, and me making fun of it would be like you making fun of my cauda equina. Like, dude, come on, I can’t help it. Cryemojicryemojicryemoji. You know how it goes.
You might have seen this repugnant rabble advertised recently:
I know what you’re thinking: “What an opportunity to just seal off the Las Vegas Festival Grounds and never allowing anyone inside to escape back into society”. However that is, in my honest IMHO, a little harsh, Nobody attending this festival can be blamed for their condition, so any sort of cleansing would be undeserved. Some sort of re-education camp would likely suffice. The festival is pandering to middle aged dorks who grew up in the early 00s. Maybe this was their childhood. Fucking… this… As the festival name implies, they were young back then. So therefore stupid. We all like regrettable stuff when we’re young. When I was a kid, I used to enjoy taking my willy out and stuffing soil into my urethra. The difference is I eventually realised how wrong this was and managed to (largely) stop it before my thirtieth birthday. Yeah, there’s the odd relapse, but I generally have it under control. If you’re a legal adult attending a Good Charlotte performance you really need to question your behaviour. Again, not your fault, human free will is an illusion, the issue is a wider society that has normalised openly liking really shit musical artists. Don’t hate the player, hate the game.
Which is where I come in. Think of this blog entry as a mini re-education camp, attempting to combat society’s decay and letting you know what bands are officially not acceptable to like. Like, sorry, but there’s no excuse. I’m sorry if a band you like are on this list. Sorry because you like an officially artistically problematic artist and your upbringing was obviously compromised. It’s never too late to change though. I’m not including artists like Ed Sheeran or Kid Rock – artists that we already know are shit – as I am attempting to combat the cultural corrosion that has somehow lead us to accept that liking certain bands is OK. Oh, and yeah, almost exclusively white boys with guitars, because in the wrong hands that combination can be devastating. And all older artists, as I believe if you like contemporary music at least you’re trying, even if the music itself is indefensibly shit. Like, the 1975, right? Like, they’re fucking awful, we all know that?
Let’s go straight to one of the festival headliners and make it very clear that there is absolutely no excuse for liking Blink 182. First of all, they already belong to the most artistically (and morally) bereft genre of music – that is, ‘anything that calls itself ‘punk’ that was released at any point after the 1980s, especially if the band are American’. Or maybe ‘pop punk that denies it’s pop’. Or maybe ‘beer pong soundtracks’. Or maybe ‘no homo hedonism’. I could go on. So I will. Maybe ‘Brockman Turner Overdrive’. Or maybe ‘rock n’ troll’. Blink 182 really do straddle so many genres of awfulness. Come on, people, if you still like Blink 182 as a grown ass adult then you really have to question what that says about your emotionally maturity. If you’re a guy and say that you like then because it takes you back to your college days then you should watch out, because you absolutely have a campus sexual assault case over your head.
Of course, you couldn’t sing a song like “Fell in love with the girl at the rock show” today, could you? They wouldn’t allow it. You’d have to sing “Enquired as to the consent of the girl at the rock show”. And you probably wouldn’t be allowed to presume the other person’s gender. Bloody wokerati, man.
Listen, I’m sorry, but if you admit affection for Muse I can only assume you’re a moron. I mean, considering that if you liked Blink 182 I’d assume you were a date raping homophobe, I guess it’s an improvement, but it’s still not a label many people are comfortable with. This might be where you’d expect me to say “I’m sure you’re very intelligent but…” or “You may otherwise be a pretty smart person but…”. This isn’t the case though. You like Muse. I know you’re a moron. Again, not your fault, come on, big hug, cry it out.
I kinda get it. There’s always something going on with Muse, isn’t there? Big synths and guitar solos? Except that – if you approach the topic scientifically as I have done – you’ll note that Muse aren’t even stylish enough to be considered style over substance. It’s more KERWANGAWANGAWAAANG over substance. I don’t blame you, I don’t blame a child for eating spaghetti hoops with their hands if they haven’t learned how to use a spoon yet. There’s plenty of time to work out what music supposed to sound like.
Of course, you couldn’t write a song called Supermassive Black Hole these days, could you? They wouldn’t allow it. Critical race theory and stuff. Bloody wokerati, man.
Yeah, I know, everyone knows they’re shit now. If you were to say that Weezer used to be good but are awful now I’d actually half agree with you. But, guys, friends, Romans, countryman, when are we all just going to get together and accept that Weezer were always culturally, artistically and morally bankrupt? Weezer wrote incel themes back when incels were just the norm. OK, perhaps the incel ideology is still the norm, but at least we call it out these days?? That’s what I’m doing to this piece of shit band. I am calling out their bullshit. Wispy, passionless, over-arch nonsense. If you were a Weezer fan… first of all you’re almost definitely a guy, or another gender with serious self-hatred that we don’t have time to unpack here. You also absolutely had serious conversations with your (cishet male) friends about having to maybe disguise how smart you were in order to get more chicks. Like, you would have never spoken to a woman, but not because you’re necessarily sexually repugnant (though you absolutely are) but because you honestly don’t believe women are smart enough to keep up with you. Have they ever even heard of Freaks and Geeks??
Of course, you couldn’t write a lyric like “Goddamn you half-Japanese girls/Do it to me every time” these days, could you? They wouldn’t allow it. Because of course they wouldn’t, because, Jesus, that’s creepy as all dang hell, you bloody weirdo. Bloody wokerati, man.
Oh, I’m sorry, were you looking for sacred cows? Ah, you’ve made a simple mistake there, you must have missed that sign above the door when you came in. No, not there, up a bit. Yes, that one. The one that says ‘no sacred cows’.
Seriously? Fuck this band. Hairy cock rock bullshit. Listen, I’m not going to get into moral ‘death of the artist’ stuff in this post – you answer to your own morals – but why is it that we all at least agree that an artist like Michael Jackson is ‘problematic’ but we will happily overlook ‘classic rock’ behaviour? Jimmy Page kidnaped a 14 year old girl to bonk and kept her locked up for three years so nobody would find out. Y’know. Because that shit’s illegal. It was a different time, I guess? I wasn’t alive in the 70s, was old hairy dudes taking underage sex slaves considered something of a compliment? I’ll also overlook the fact that Led Zeppelin were pretty much a covers band. Only they didn’t actually credit any of the artists they covered because they were poor black people and couldn’t be trusted with the money.
I’m gong to come out and say it: a lot of this hasn’t aged well. But even overlooking all that ‘of its time’ behaviour, Led Zeppelin were just so fucking boorish. Not necessary ‘boring’, but definitely boorish. Led Zeppelin would corner you at a party and explain at length how the Lord of the Rings lore far outclasses Harry Potter. Yeah, Led Zeppelin would probably have an issue with there being a black Little Mermaid. Like, whatever, Led, I don’t care, but do you have to give a 45 minute speech defending your opinion? If you asked Led, they would say they’re definitely not a racist, which is exactly what a racist would say. They don’t have any black friends either, so… I mean, they used to, before they stole all that shit from them.
Of course, you couldn’t write Immigrant Song these days, could you? They wouldn’t let you. Not even allowed to talk about immigration, are we? Bloody wokerati, man.
Oi oi! Oooosh! Der-da-der-da-der-der-da-der!! Ugh, they’re just so blokey aren’t they? Posh kids thinking this is what the working class feels like. Kudos on making punk music and politics in general seem like the most sexless thing in the world.
Of course, you couldn’t write (White Man) In Hammersmith Palais these days, could you? They wouldn’t let you. These days it’s against the law to say you’re white. Bloody wokerati, man.
No, sorry, you’re wrong, Queen are the absolute worse.
Listen, I grew up in the nineties. I’m a ‘Nineties Kid’. No, I’m not thirty eight years old, and you keep your fucking voice down, I’m a ‘Nineties Kid’. And back in the nineties, us Nineties Kids agreed on two things: Walkers salt and vinegar crisp came in blue packets, and that Queen were the absolute antithesis of everything that was good in the world. Like, seems quite quaint now in the current political climate but back in the nineties we all generally agreed that racism was a bad thing, so we kinda treated the band that happily performed multiple shows in Apartheid era South Africa with a little distaste. If was a different time.
What has happened?? When did Queen become something you’d happily admit to liking even in polite conversation?? I’ll give you all Freddie Mercury, who was an amazing frontman with a uniquely powerful voice, but are we supposed to just gloss over those three blokes behind him wearing the constant look of sadly staring through the windows at Bose at a home cinema system they can’t quite justify spending that much money on? Oh, and are we just supposed to overlook the fact that all of their songs are absolutely fucking gash? You could perhaps argue that this change in perception is just evidence of shifting social trends, and I would counter that yes, it is, in the same way that the 1932 elections saw a quite drastic shift in social trends in Germany. Am I comparing Queen to the Nazis? Yes. Only Queen are actually far worse, because there are now laws against Nazi ideology and even displaying their iconography, yet playing Fat Bottomed Girls loud enough for someone else to hear isn’t even technically a crime.
Seriously, I fucking hate Queen. This post hasn’t been 100% serious, more a silly palette cleanser after last night’s exorcism. But no jokes here. I fucking hate Queen.
Of course, I am sure Queen started now they would be forced to have people of different colours and different sexes and a trans person. Not a joke, a direct quote from Brian May. The absolute fucking tool. Bloody wokerati, man.
OK, they are now officially the bands you are no longer allowed to make. I don’t make the rules