I’m halfway there!
I’m halfway there!
My contacts in the hip hop community
warn me that ‘Kevin Gates; is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to uninspiring anf unmemorable rap names
I have been reliably informed that the days of exciting nom de plumes such as Old Dirty Bastard, Tyler the Creator, Slap-de-Wit the Immortal Instigator and Watch My Dicky Leg are over
‘Nom de plume’ in French literally translates as ‘the name of plumage’, as it is common for Gallic birds to have separate names for when they are fully-feathered, as Napoleon thought it obscene that ‘le disgustient pink merdes’ be attributed the same name when they are all naked and disgusting. For example, a plucked chicken body, the like of which you’re likely to buy in Le Tesco, is called ‘poulet’, while the proper, fully feathered beauty that you’re likely to decapitate to test urban legends down at the local farm is referred to as ‘ooh la la! Les pompe poulet de cheeky cheeky plume plume!’
My contacts in the hip hop community assure me that I shall really notice the sea change in 2017, where I’ll see new releases by ‘Geoff Turnbull’, ‘Paul Johnson’ and ‘Stuart’. Remember Stuart? Well he’s dedicated four tracks to you on his debut rap album, maybe now you’ll give him the time of day? He knows that he’ll never replace your real Dad, but your Mother loves Stuart very much, and Christmas is going to be a lot easier this year if you at least acknowledge his presence
Kevin Gates isn’t even his real name! It’s like me releasing my dope debut mixtape as Alexander Furnkwith
My rap name would be Rhyme Minister. Rhyme Minister Yeah! Rhyme Minister Ho Need Yeah!
It’ll be a Tony Blair reference, yes, because say what you will about his politics and the blood of half a million people on his hands, he once did that hilarious Catherine Tate bit for Comic Relief, so he’s obviously a top geezer
See? Not bothered
Perhaps the greatest strength of Mr Gates’s (is it, like, a Bill Gates reference? Because that’s just… just…) debut album proper is how much of a fully realised solo offering: almost completely free of the endless guest spots that can far too often clutter and saturate rap albums, and with every hook and chorus coming exclusively through Gates
And ‘Isiah’ is a procession of top quality hooks, hooks you could hang Mussolini off,
hooks you could pester Peter Pan with, a real ‘hard hook story’, it’s an album done very much ‘by the hook’, it’s like the Farrelly Brothers film ‘Hook On You’, or the Happy Mondays song Wrote for Hook…
…by hook or by crook….
…like when Kurt Angle comes out…
and all the crowd start chanting…
…OK, I’m done…
It’s just a shame that such a singular demonstration of Gates’s indisputable talents couldn’t have perhaps strayed a little from standard well crafted hip-hop, and no matter how fantastic its heights are, the lack of anything unique and unusual can make the record’s already testing length seem to especially drag
‘She got me like Michael/Jackson, Jordan, it don’t matter to me’. See, that distinction really would matter to me…
A small but pleasant pronunciation +5
Also, I don’t know why, but I was very impressed by the correct apostrophe usege in the title of Thought I Heard (Bread Winners’ Anthem)
As further tribute to Prince
I think points should be awarded for any artistic license taken with spelling (not grammer though, that shit’s biblical!!), so Kevin has to be applauded for Kno One. Is it meant to be ‘know one’, as in ‘I used to know one chap who refused to acknowledge the existence of Macedonia’, or ‘no-one’, as in ‘no-one has ever been to Macedonia, so why are we putting so much trust into so called ‘experts’?’? Either way, it’s equally wrong and so equally right
‘You the only one that my dick could get hard for/I’m confused, what the fuck you want my heart for?’ That line has to be worth a good
Ah, come on now….
Pics stolen from: