It’s more like pineapple-on-pizza metal… we shouldn’t connect with certain kinds of metal fans, but they still appreciate us. Could we call it ‘Thinking-man’s pineapple pizza?’ Is that a valid compromise? It might not be everyone’s cup of tea, but some people will still agree that it’s a pizza even though there’s a little forbidden fruit on there
I know what you’re thinking: yes, Kerrang! is still going and yes that’s the typeface they’re going with for the logo now. In this piece I shall argue that Zeal and Ardor should not be blamed for either of those things.
Ok, are you sitting down? Are you paying attention? Are your ears perked and your soul open? Is your Mana marvelous and your Qi chunky? Then eyes front, attention please:
I’m going to tell you absolutely everything I know about Bella Technika:
They’re called ‘Bella Technika Yeah, you might have been wondering if I was going to count that as a thing I knew about them, but as you’ll soon see this is going to be quite slim pickings so I’ve got to take what I can get.
I’m, like, 90% sure they’re from Belgrade, Serbia Pretty sure. I’m about 99% sure they’re Eastern European, and I found one review that mentioned Belgrade so I was like “yeah”.
This is their second album Now, I wasn’t sure of this, because when I named their previous album ‘Section’ as the 33rd best album of 2019 I was even more beguiled by these mysterious Serbians than I am now. This year though? No, not getting fooled again, I’ve done my own motherfucking research, sometimes as far as the third or fourth page of Google results, and ‘Section’ was actually an outstanding debut record.
This rap shit done saved my life And fucked it up at the same time That pain in my heart I can’t hide Lot of trauma inside You can see it in my eyes
Nigga, you 40, still doing this shit? When you gon’ stop? But God gon’ make you quit Came from hardships, but changed perceptions A blessing
A lot changed since triple X came out Bought a few cars and a house Almost had a spouse Got caught up, she was out Now I’m sitting here, questioning what life is about Can you separate the life from the music? I was clueless, now a nigga foolish On my own, gotta get to it Came too far to right now just lose it
I’ve got the poise of a newborn giraffe And I feel like I’ve fallen off the wagon My moves are quite clearly unchoreographed My comportment like that of a Komodo dragon
…
You deactivate my defense mechanisms I think I’m coming unglued, I have emotional whiplash I cannot brandish my trademark aloof cynicism I’ve taken up macramé, just to deal with the backlash
Oh, what’s that, Alan Sparhawk, you’ve done some experimentation on your new album? Played around with vocal and electronic effects? Crafted something different than what you’ve done previously and embraced a new sonic guise with your new record? That’s cute.
Man, as a British person, I can’t help but shake my head in bewilderment at the simply awful race problems that they have in the US of A. I don’t mean to sound judgmental, but considering that we don’t have that sort of trouble over here in the UK, you can only come to the logical impression that the UK is simply a more liberally developed country than the US. More liberally developed than white America, I mean, all you African-Americans are obviously being treated horribly over there, it looks ghastly. George Floyd, isn’t it? Awful business, truly horrid. #BlackLivesMatter, ammi right? If only Obama was still president, I do so wish that I was able to vote for him. I’d have voted for him in the next three elections if they’d let me. Quite, quite, quite. You have my sympathies for that ghastly country. You’re welcome to come and romp in England’s green fields with me. So long as you don’t outstay your six month visit Visa Britain is full, I should stress, and we simply can’t take anymore people with skin as dark as yours. Oops, did I say that last part out loud?
You know why I think is the reason we’ve ended up a slightly more civilised society? You know why I don’t think any of us really even see colour? The reason why I don’t even notice if my cleaner, my personal driver, or my pool cleaner is black? Actually… I think my personal driver might be Indian or Pakistani, or maybe one of those Muslim ones… But whatever they are I don’t notice! And I believe the reasons for this go back to us ending slavery first! Yes, you Americans might go on about your Abraham Lincolns and your ’12 Years a Slave’ and your Sylvester Magees and your thirteenth amendments, but to be honest, us progressive Brits are chuckling behind our china tea cup! 1865, you say? Oh, how cute! Erm, cough, erm, cough cough, eighteen motherfucking thirty three, bitches! Golly, that must mean that the UK is a whole thirty two years more progressive than the colonies across the pond! And, to be honest my American chums, the UK is so much more progressive now, that I doubt you’ll ever catch up! And I believe your hick, backward country is still debating reparations, but I can see that the United Kingdom of Great Britain already paid some sort of reparations when they passed the Slavery Abolition Act in 1833, I assume that all the slaves were fairy remunerated and that’s why the UK is free of racism now? I don’t mean to talk down at you, but when both my high horse and my ivory tower are this high, it’s difficult not to.
And I’m talking about real grief here. Yeah, I know that you were really sad when the guy who played Joey on ‘Home Improvement’ died, or whatever, but that’s not the kind of grief I’m talking about. Actual grief isn’t just sadness. I got sad when Manchester United were knocked out of the Champions League by Real Madrid at the quarter final stage in 2000, but I don’t think you could accurately claim that I went through the grieving process. Yes, Redondo took us so thoroughly apart in that game that I am still suffering from post-traumatic shock, but that’s a separate thing. Real grief is far deeper than that. Your gran dying in 2003 was definitely a solemn moment, but she was 98 years old; hadn’t been able to take a shit since the late 1980’s; had three separate tracheostomies; still smoked 40 fags a day by sticking it one of the holes in her throat; and would angrily complain about you not letting her watch the latest episode of Minderlong after that show was canceled in 1994. Also, she was really racist. Like, a proper vintage racist who still used terms from the mid 20th century that everyone else has forgotten, so you never realised how hateful and bigoted she was being every time she called your friend Kai a “spam fritter”. Yeah, it was a bit of a bummer when Granny Edna died, and you definitely called it grief when you managed to fenangle three weeks off work, but, come on, you didn’t really give that much of shit.
I, I, I am waiting on the other side, sigh Looked out into everything and I lie Tell myself it’s nothing, when it’s quite right Everything grows, everything grows
I, I, I am watching, I am waiting I, I, I am waiting, I’m not breaking I lie, tell myself it’s okay, when it’s not quite Everything grows stronger in the light
So we’re all supposed to go to Bluesky now. The US election (which I’ll get back to talking about later on this countdown) was the final straw for millions of people, where Elon Musk became one of the biggest examples of someone taking their divorce so badly that they ushered in fascism since Benito Mussolini fractious split with Jelena Lewitzki in the early 1920s. Musk had already spent the previous couple of years laughably and repeatedly showing his pasty weird shaped arse to the world since buying the company – which had never really previously made a profit – for a hilariously and stupidly inflated $44 million, and this new exodus is just the latest rat to scurry off a ship being absolutely tanked by its owner’s incompetence. Elon still has his admirers among the clinically stupid, but that just shows you how, if you’re brought up to be a bootlicker, no amount of evidence is going to convince you that a significantly richer person isn’t naturally better than you and deserves to be admired.
OK, reality nerds, I admit: this album was actually released first released in June 2023. I was first introduced to this art rock masterwork when rounding up Seth Manchester’s 2023 records, and was so blown away that I cheekily decided to consider it for the 2024 list. Or, to quote: “holy shit, the Big Beat impact of ‘Aki’ by The Bronzed Chorus on June 9th?? I love that shit, it’s also on NE2024″. I also decided to consider records by Asher White,Jaye Jayle, and Oxbow, which were all pretty great records but didn’t quite make this increasingly elite list. One other album… maybe did… No spoilers.
The Bronzed Chorus, Adam Joyce (L), Brennen O’Brien
But The Bronzed Chorus, man, they made a 2023 album so good that it’s the scientifically proven, objective thirtieth best album of 2024. That’s quite a flex.
The problem is… I have next to no idea who this band are…
Looka there, liquor in my hand The grandbaby of a moonshine man Gadsden, Alabama Got folk down Gavelston, rooted in Louisiana They used to say I spoke too country Then the rejection came, said I wasn’t country ‘nough Said I wouldn’t saddle up, but If that ain’t country, tell me, what is?
I’m going to say this right out the bat, less you start reading this under false expectations: I do not give one shiny shit about what fucking genre of music you say you’re a part of. This is Beyoncé’s country album. Is it real country though?? Well, she’s wearing a cowboy hat on the cover and she mentions whiskey a lot. The title of the album has the word ‘cowboy’ in it, for fuck’s FFS! What more do you people want??
“Pew pew pew!”
Listen, do you know which comedy series now holds the record for most Emmy wins? The fucking Bear! Have you seen that show? It’s 30 minutes of stressed Catholic Americans shouting “BEHIND!” at each other and having emotional breakdowns to the soundtrack of 90’s REM songs. I think that show has had about two jokes in its entire run so far. Well, ‘Cowboy Carter’ features Willie Nelson, Dolly Parton and Miley Cyrus – literally the only three country singers I could name and the three undisputed geniuses of the genre – so by my maths it’s at least 50% more of a country album that The fucking Bear is a comedy show. Case closed, move on everyone.
Necessary Evil 