Man, as a British person, I can’t help but shake my head in bewilderment at the simply awful race problems that they have in the US of A. I don’t mean to sound judgmental, but considering that we don’t have that sort of trouble over here in the UK, you can only come to the logical impression that the UK is simply a more liberally developed country than the US. More liberally developed than white America, I mean, all you African-Americans are obviously being treated horribly over there, it looks ghastly. George Floyd, isn’t it? Awful business, truly horrid. #BlackLivesMatter, ammi right? If only Obama was still president, I do so wish that I was able to vote for him. I’d have voted for him in the next three elections if they’d let me. Quite, quite, quite. You have my sympathies for that ghastly country. You’re welcome to come and romp in England’s green fields with me. So long as you don’t outstay your six month visit Visa Britain is full, I should stress, and we simply can’t take anymore people with skin as dark as yours. Oops, did I say that last part out loud?

You know why I think is the reason we’ve ended up a slightly more civilised society? You know why I don’t think any of us really even see colour? The reason why I don’t even notice if my cleaner, my personal driver, or my pool cleaner is black? Actually… I think my personal driver might be Indian or Pakistani, or maybe one of those Muslim ones… But whatever they are I don’t notice! And I believe the reasons for this go back to us ending slavery first! Yes, you Americans might go on about your Abraham Lincolns and your ’12 Years a Slave’ and your Sylvester Magees and your thirteenth amendments, but to be honest, us progressive Brits are chuckling behind our china tea cup! 1865, you say? Oh, how cute! Erm, cough, erm, cough cough, eighteen motherfucking thirty three, bitches! Golly, that must mean that the UK is a whole thirty two years more progressive than the colonies across the pond! And, to be honest my American chums, the UK is so much more progressive now, that I doubt you’ll ever catch up! And I believe your hick, backward country is still debating reparations, but I can see that the United Kingdom of Great Britain already paid some sort of reparations when they passed the Slavery Abolition Act in 1833, I assume that all the slaves were fairy remunerated and that’s why the UK is free of racism now? I don’t mean to talk down at you, but when both my high horse and my ivory tower are this high, it’s difficult not to.

Najwa Mahmoud Fathi Radwan